Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not everyone knows this, but @Soundsaboutleft is the best...around. Nothing is ever going to keep him down.

Except his crippling addictions and his bum knee.

But that didn't stop him from taking on #COBRAKAI.

He's the #KarateKid or...a poor facsimile.

The Karate Kid stars @ralphmacchio, Pat Morita, @MartinKove, Elizabeth Shue, and the amazingly talented @WilliamZabka

Zabka was legit the best 80s bad guy teen.

And I can tell you this. The Karate Kid is one of the best movies of the 80s. Hell. If you boiled it and The Goonies down, it'd be injectable nostalgia.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1438724078328705028

Now I'm not going to get all "Johnny was the hero" too much.

I'm definitely going to do my dumb as hell style, but know I love this movie.

So let's jump right into a movie where an older man teaches a younger man to beat up another young person.

Now guess which side I'm talking about. Ha!

Now let's sweep the leg of this bitch.

We start off in a toxic dump known as New Jersey. Ha! Geographical humor!!!!

We see a kid...a karate kid getting ready to leave with his mom to drive cross country for the land of oranges and kicks to the face:

A bunch of neighborhood kids chase after their car and those kids would go on to be on the Jersey Shore.

Not the show...just the location.

We see a cross country trip where the mom is desperately trying to convince Daniel that Reseda doesn't eat shit.

Way to gaslight the kid.

We also see that their car has to get push started every time they leave their motel.

Good thing LA is a very car-centric place.

They finally end up at the South Spas???

Their new apartment. Back then it probably cost $300 a month.

Today? $3,000/month plus a $2000 deposit.

Daniel's mom is excited about palm trees. Daniel is excited to complain about California.

He's definitely from the Jersey/New York area. They won't shut the fuck up about wanting to move back.

Daniel pushes his bike inside and then kicks the door open, knocking "bails on daniel" guy.

Don't kick a door, asshole. That's how you kill someone.

We get some exposition about Daniel's mom getting a computer job...but she never does that job. I think they explain it in a deleted scene, but who cares.

Some old lady is complaining about the apartment and how she shouldn't have left Jersey.

See. They won't shut the fuck up about it.

Daniel goes inside his apartment and HOLY SHIT IS IT 80s.

Daniel's mom tells him to find his mentor. "Go find the guy who'll teach you life lessons and how to succeed in life. He's downstairs somewhere."

Daniel goes to get the maintenance guy who will change his life...by giving him a sweet car.

Chicks dig cars...and uh...burritos? I don't know. I'm terrible at relationships.

Daniel barges inside of Miyagi's place.

Just...no fucks given.

Miyagi glares at this intruder's bullshit and Daniel babbles some nonsense about faucets.

Miyagi is like "I'm busy, bitch. I'll get to it!"

We cut to the beach. Daniel is playing soccer or, as you freedom haters call it, football.

People kick sand on everyone and Daniel eye flirts with Elizabeth Shue.

He tries to impress her with his hackey-sack skills that he's using for the soccer ball.

We find out Elizabeth is rich as dick.

She's a valley girl.

No...not the one with Nicolas Cage, though that is a good movie.

And sure as hell not the remake.

Daniel's fake new friend tells him to make a move.

The other dbags with him are egging him on.

Daniel. Those new friends of yours suck all the shit ever.

Elizabeth then uses this as an excuse to flirt with Daniel.

Then the amazing Zabka comes motorcycling in with his crew.

#JohnnyWasTheHeroKindaButHeAlsoDidNotGreatThingsWithElizabethWhichWasAbusive

Zabka is pissed that Daniel is trying to get with his girlfriend. I should say ex, but he doesn't want to admit that.

Uh...that's not cool Zabka.

Give her radio back.

OH COME ON. DON'T BREAK THAT, DICK.

So Zabka breaks Elizabeth's ste..oh. Wait. It's the 80s. It's fine.

Daniel tries to help, but he gets Zabkaed. Like...real good.

Daniel finds out that his new "friends" are like bandwagon sports fans. Dicks who bail at the slightest sign of adversity or failure.

Man. Johnny just owns Daniel.

Ugh. Don't blame Elizabeth for your behavior, Johnny. That's...that's not cool.

Daniel cries in the sand...ah. That takes me back to family vacations with Left.

Anyway. Elizabeth tries to help, but her friends go "Leave him to die."

Johnny then blasts sand on Daniel and...you could have killed him, dude.

Not cool.

We cut to the next day and Daniel's mom is making him eggs.

She makes Daniel take his sunglasses off to show his shiner.

She's like "Did you challenge the alpha male of the 80s known as William Zabka? Ya fucked up."

Daniel goes to school with...cruel summer playing. Uh. I mean...is it technically still summer? Sorta, but there's much better songs.

Daniel then sees Johnny and his crew go to his school.

Weird. Uh...there are a ton of schools here and you both somehow go to the same school.

The rich kids and the poor kids from Reseda.

Man. Daniel's "friends" make fun of him because they're human scum.

Ya know what. New theory.

Freddy and his buds are the true villains of this movie.

Like Freddy is the worst.

Elizabeth comes over and flirts more.

Also. They finally exchange names.

You know I need to circle back to Freddy. Daniel, after getting his skills, should have beat the fuck out of Freddy and gone "Yeah. I am the Karate Kid. You just felt my kick...bitch."

Then let Freddy bleed out on the sand.

FUCK FREDDY!!

I'M GOING TO SPEND THIS WHOLE REVIEW TALKING ABOUT HOW FREDDY IS A MONSTER!!!

Oh...right. Zabka and Daniel got in a bit of a fight and Daniel was kicked off the field because the coach is yet another villain.

No. Seriously. Other than Mr. Miyagi and Elizabeth (and his mom)...everyone in this universe is a monster.

We see Daniel practicing karate from a book and Miyagi comes in. He's polite enough to be asked to come in.

Miyagi then fixes the sink and genuinely is concerned about Daniel.

Miyagi is the best.

The next day at school, Elizabeth comes over to flirt more.

Man...young me had a HUGEEEE crush on Elizabeth Shue.

Uh. Right. We then see Daniel going to visit his mom at work...at a restaurant.

Again. They deleted those scenes because fuck you.

Turns out she works beside a dojo.

Convenient. Good thing you lost your computer job so we could have a movie.

Daniel goes inside the Karate Dojo and it turns out to be run by the baddest mofo ever...John Kreese.

@MartinKove is AMAZZZZIINGGGGGG!!

We see Johnny leading the class and he gives Daniel the best shit eating grin in human history. Just perfectly smug.

We cut to the restaurant and Daniel is talking to his mom. In the background, one of Johnny's crew spots Daniel...then gets the others and we see in the background them pulling some kind of shenanigan.

Daniel describes Elizabeth...even after his mom has left.

We then see Daniel bicycling home along an abandoned street when a gang comes by going "DANNIEEELLLLLL. COMMMEEEE OUTTTT TO PLLLAAAYYYYY!!!"

Then they run his ass off the road and almost kill him.

Oof. Johnny...uh...that's some serious t...WAIT. You're rich. Never mind.

Daniel's mom pulls up just as Daniel gets there...he's throwing his bike away.

She sees he's been beat to hell.

Can I point out that this is the 80s and the crack epidemic was going on. She should be afraid he's in a serious situation.

Daniel wants to go back to the safety of Jersey.

Jersey.

Miyagi does a little peekaboo with us.

We cut back to school and Daniel sniffs his armpits because he's...OHH. He wants to talk to Elizabeth and doesn't want to smell like swampass.

We then meet one of Elizabeth's friends and SHE IS A FUCKING SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS AN ASSHOLE BUT DANIEL AND FRIENDS!!!

Daniel runs away from Zabka because he wants to live...I don't blame you.

Zabka's animal magnetism alone has destroyed lesser men!

Daniel then goes home and finds out he has a stalker.

Someone has returned his bike to him fixed up.

Uh...weird.

Daniel immediately knowns it's Miyagi. He goes and asks him and Miyagi is like "You're welcome. Now watch me cut bonsai trees you high school kid."

We then get a lesson about Okinawa and Miyagi's life back when.

Daniel just touches fucking everything.

Miyagi is too nice to slap him.

Miyagi then tells a teenage boy to close his eyes as he's alone in his apartment.

Then tells him to imagine a tree and...OH MAN I'VE SEEN PSAs start this way.

Miyagi whispers in Daniel's ear to cut the bonsai tree and Daniel starts cutting it like ..uhh...a bonsai tree.

I'm shit at analogies.

Daniel spends a long time in an older man's apartment cutting a tree when his mom comes in VERY RELIEVED that's what's going on.

HOW DID SHE KNOW HE WAS IN THERE???????!!!!!!

Like does everyone know to look for their kids at the maintenance guy's apartment?

Oh. And this is the movie that taught me and a ton of people what karate, bonsai trees, Okinawa, etc. are...were...whatever.

Miyagi gives Daniel's mom a tree.

Daniel wants to stay, but she's like "no...you're coming with me. Uh...because you have school."

The next day Elizabeth is walking with her monster group of friends.

Daniel avoids her because he doesn't want Johnny to MURDER HIM LIKE HE TRIED TO WHEN HE RAN THEM OFF THE ROAD...BUT JOHNNY IS TOTALLY THE HERO OF THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!

It's now Halloween. Mr Miyagi has carved some pumpkins and is prying into Daniel's love l..

OH GOD. HE TELLS DANIEL HE NEEDS TO FUCK PEOPLE HIS OWN AGE.

Ugh...but it's about honey and flowers and shit.

Just...ewww.

Mr Miyagi makes Daniel the most blindingly obvious costume ever so he can hide.

We know it's obvious because Elizabeth knows it's him even though it was Miyagi who made it and not Daniel.

SO there's no way it would fit his personality.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth's shit friends talk shit because they're shit people like everyone else in this universe.

Elizabeth gets inside of the shower costume and..uh...wouldn't a teacher stop him since he could be doing anything inside of there???

Elizabeth then implies she'd get all hot and bothered if Daniel hurt Johnny.

Meanwhile, some chicken dude throws eggs at Daniel.

Daniel heads to the shitter.

Inside of the shitter, we see Zabka JUST BLAZING while listening to tunes.

Zabka is the coolest.

Daniel then uses the convenient sink with a long hose in it to prank Johnny.

He turns on the water and screams IT'S JUST A PRANK, BRO!!!

Zabka and his friends are like "Youtube doesn't exist yet, so we're gonna fuck you up for destroying my blunt."

DANIEL YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

YOU JUST CAUSED MULTIPLE CAR ACCIDENTS AND RAN AWAY!!

Fuck...everyone is just the worst in this universe.

Daniel runs away and just sucks at it.

Even with a head start, he's caught conveniently beside his apartment and they beat the holy god damn shit out of him.

Johnny asserts his dominance with some sweet kicks and punches.

Bobby (one of Johnny's crew) believes in mercy.

Uh. Did you not listen to Kreese?

No. Seriously, we see the influence of Kreese upon Johnny here.

Before things can go too far, an old man jumps the fence and beats the fuck out of underaged kids.

Then he takes an unconscious teenager with him...

Dude...uh. Never mind. I won't go there...I'll just imply.

HAHAHA. TURNS OUT THERE'S A GATE THERE YOU DON'T NEED A KEY FOR AND DANIEL DIDN'T USE IT. HAHAHAHA NERD!

We cut to Miyagi bathing the teenager with unknown substances.

Daniel is tripping because he thinks Spiderman saved him.

Miyagi informs him that "I'm the one who saved you...me. Now come here and drink this unknown substance young man."

We get a background on Karate. It's pretty cool.

Miyagi continues to bathe the high schooler.

Daniel takes this as a reason to get him to give him free karate lessons.

Daniel then mispronounces Mr. Miyagi's name. I only bring it up because in Karate Kid 2, Daniel is a TOTAL DICK to a mailman who mispronounces Mr. Miyagi's name.

Daniel then tries to get Miyagi to do shit for him and...Daniel just throws a hissy fit.

Again. No one but Miyagi and Elizabeth and the mom is any good.

The others are dicks.

Daniel whines enough that Miyagi decides to come with him to the dojo.

Daniel then talks about belt color and Miyagi is like "That's like really American of you to talk about this belt color shit."

The next day Miyagi forces a teen who doesn't have a license to drive for him because Mr. Miyagi doesn't have a license...

Oof. YEah. Way to let the kid take the rap for ya.

We cut to the Cobra Kai Dojo and the subtle poster 89239X29392 that shows the all valley karate tournament third act.

We see Kreese just hammering the weaker students.

Kreese is toxic masculinity in its most dojoing form.

Kreese gives his GQP mott...err...dojo mottos.

Basically...be a total dick and never be a good person.

This guy is poisoning the minds of all of his students.

Kreese confronts Miyagi "Uh...you beat up a bunch of underaged teenagers. We should be calling the cops."

We then get some back and forth challenges and the MASSIVE POSTER is used as a equal ground for the fight b/w Zabka and Daniel.

Miyagi has one request. "They can't attack Daniel. Even if he's a total piece of shit to them and just taunts them. Like he goes WAYYY OVER THE LINE WITH HIS TAUNTING! He's like a chihuahua nipping at a rotrweiler's ankles."

DAniel is mad that Miyagi stopped the beatings by making him join a tournament.

They have 2 months of TRAINING MONTAGES MOTHER FUCKERRRSSS!!!

Oh, my god.

Mr. Miyagi takes the underaged teen to his secret, hidden home that's in an industrial area and not able to be seen from the street.

OH GOD.

Miyagi does some yoda wisdom shit and allows Daniel to keep the headband he used to bathe him with.

Oof.

This...this looks bad on paper.

Miyagi then forces Daniel to wash his vehicles by gaslighting him with bullshit.

"You need to wash these...uh...totally is training."

So...uh. Basically, Mr. Miyagi takes a high schooler to his hidden house and forces him to do chores.

Just...

Wow.

Okay. Elizabeth and Daniel's mom are the only good people in this universe.

So Daniel is pressganged into unpaid labor and...uh...goes inside Miyagi's place to...sleep?????

The next day Elizabeth sees his face and SHE IS GOING TO FUCK JOHNNY UP!

Daniel is like "Naw. I got an old man I live with to keep them from beating me up. I'm going to taunt them."

Also. Elizabeth's friends give c-word looks to Daniel because they're horrible.

EVERYONE IS HORRIBLE BUT ELIZABETH AND DANIEL'S MOM.

I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!

Daniel then goes over to Johnny and puts his arm around him in front of a teacher.

Daniel plays himself, though, because he gets himself another lesson from a boring teacher.

You make bad life choices, Daniel.

That night Daniel is driven by his mom to pick up Elizabeth at her swanky place.

Dude...you're totally going to get her all hot and bothered with that.

As Daniel walks up, Elizabeth's parents pull up and they fucking glare at him.

Like "Look at this piece of shit" kind of look.

WOW THEY'RE DICKS.

Elizabeth's parents are snobby and like "YOU DON'T LIVE IN ENCINO? SO YOU'RE NOT AN ENCINO MAN?????!!!!!!"

Again. Why are the reseda and encino kids going to the same school?

Oh, and the care breaks down in front of Elizabeth's parents and Elizabeth has to steer as Daniel and mom push start it.

Oof.

They go to Golf N Stuff ...

God damn I can't express to you how much I miss arcades and putt putt golf and just these local little amusement places.

*sighs*

We get a date montage of Daniel mostly sucking...like...he sucks.

No offense, but the Karate Kid is kinda lame.

Some rich dbag pulls up and flexs on Daniel. Then some more rich people pull up and flex.

It's...oh. Johnny and crew.

Daniel's mom pulls up and holy shit Daniel you have no chance with Elizabeth besides pity.

The next day Daniel bicycles over to continue his unpaid internship.

Miyagi sees him and is like "Uh...sand this wooden floor. Totally karate training."

Then he mumbles to himself "I'm gonna have to find a way to convert this shit into moves or my intern will quit."

Daniel does the whole thing all day and Miyagi is like "Uh...I'm still not gonna pay you. Now go home and sleep. Then get here early because I got more chores for your simple ass to do."

Like Daniel rightly thinks for a second this is all bullshit, but the kid is easily gaslighted.

The next day Daniel comes in with Mr Miyagi trying to catch a fly with chopsticks.

They put this shit in the NES game...god that game sucked ass.

Daniel catches on and Miyagi is like "Beginner luck, fucko. Now go paint my god damn fence."

Again. Only Elizabeth and Daniel's mom are decent people.

Everyone else is an asshole or a whiner or an exploiter or bathes unconscious teens.

JUST SAYING!

Daniel is sooooo easily gaslighted by this old dude.

I'm pretty sure Daniel would allow his kidney to be removed if Miyagi told him to do it.

And this is so 80s with the mom not giving a shit that her young son who has no friends is taken in by an old man who has him come to his secret house to do chores.

Daniel must go home sore and rubbing his arm and looking confused.

She's just like "HAVE FUN, SWEETIE!"

So...given that.

ONLY ELIZABETH IS WORTH A DAMN IN THIS UNIVERSE!!!

We're down to one, folks. Down to one!

Daniel paints everything and goes "I'm done." Miyagi is like "Mother fucker, did you do both sides?"

Daniel's simple ass goes and does it because he's too .

OH COME ON MIYAGI!

Miyagi comes out in a hawaiian shirt and goes to get ass.

Daniel stands their like an idiot.

Miyagi screams "UP. DOWN! YOU DUMB FUCK!"

The next day the high schooler being manipulated by an old man goes back to the house.

Miyagi gives so little of a shit that he just leaves a note for Daniel for him to paint his house.

HAHAHA. MIYAGI IS GETTING SO MUCH FREE LABOR!

Like I can just see Miyagi trying to get a professional painter to paint his house.

"This is all part of training."

"Fuck you, old man. I want $5,000!"

Miyagi comes back from fishing and does not give a shitttt that Daniel is upset.

He has, however, found a way to turn these bullshit chores into a "karate lesson."

Miyagi tells him to show him "sand the floor."

Daniel's arm hurts too much, so Miyagi...massages him.

Oh god.

THis...NO...NO!

Daniel tries to get away, but Miyagi yells at him. Like SCREAMS at his ass.

Then he gaslights him into thinking he's getting karate training.

What a rube.

Miyagi then tries to assault Daniel, but the chores Miyagi gaslighted Daniel into doing somehow block like basic kicks and punchs.

Daniel would get wrecked outside of a tournament with kids just as poorly trained as him.

No. Seriously. Daniel gets like 2 months of training and somehow is good enough to fight kids who have years of training.

Okay...it's years of training once or twice a week with a middle aged man who has a drinking problem...but

What was my point?

We cut to the beach with Daniel being a gangly goof.

Miyagi watches him from above and screams "GO...GO GET WET IN THE WATER. LEARN...UH..BALANCE. THAT'S THE TICKET. GO OUT THERE YOU KARATE HUNK!"

The fuck am I doing with my life where I'm making implications about Mr Miyagi?

*sigh*

I...I need to make better life choices.

Daniel gets the shit kicked out of him by the current. I don't think he learned balance getting face fucked by a couple hundred pounds of sea water.

Daniel watches Miyagi do crane kicks on a post.

He's like "one day I'm gonna do that to that Johnny kid."

Miyagi then implies the crane kick can't be blocked.

Except...it is in Karate Kid 2.

SO Miyagi is a god damn liar.

We then see a couple Trumpers drinking beer on Miyagi's vehicle.

Miyagi karate chops their shitty beer.

They go "MAKE SANTA MONICA GREAT AGAIN!" and ...we cut to school again.

Elizabeth and Daniel are flirting some more.

Elizabeth shuts down Daniel for an early Friday dinner, but says they can meet later.

I bet that won't haunt him.

Now we see Daniel rowing Miyagi out into teh middle of a lake and...uh...Miyagi goes fishing while he makes Daniel balance for his amusement.

Daniel wants to learn to fight, but Miyagi is like "learn balance you dumb fuck."

Daniel asks if Miyagi used to fight as a kid.

Miyagi is like "Well, I'm not going to tell you about this important death rivalry I have with this one dude that caused me to flee my homeland until about 90 days from now considering Karate Kid 2 starts the moment the first ends."

Daniel is then thrown into the water by Miyagi. "YEAH...GET WET DANIEL! GET WET FOR MIYAGI!"

We cut to snobby mcsnob country club.

Elizabeth is dancing with her snobby dad.

She needs to bail, but her dad won't let her go because Daniel is poor.

Elizabeth's parents orchestrate her getting in a dance with Johnny.

Johnny won't let Elizabeth leave the ...OH COME ON DANIEL.

Don't...don't go inside, dude.

That's trespassing. Especially since you're going into the kitchen!

Daniel spies on Elizabeth because he has issues. Zabka sees Daniel and forces a kiss on Elizabeth.

AND FUCK OFF JOHNNY.

You're not the hero, either.

Daniel then gets food dumped on him by a waiter and everyone laughs at him like this is god damn Carrie.

We cut to Miyagi getting SHIT FACED.

Like I haven't been that drunk in my life.

Daniel walks in on a drunk Miyagi and insults his singing.

Miyagi is looking at a picture and we find out he was in the war.

We also find out some dark shit. That he's getting drunk because it's his anniversary.

I should point out that his love of his wife is sorta shat on by the sequel when we find out he loved this other woman who lived in his village and...oof.

This is why you gotta be careful with sequels.

Like this is legit an amazing scene. Pat Morita does an incredible job here.

We also find out that his wife and kid died while they were in an internment camp.

HOLY SHIT.

I'd get hammered, too, dude.

Like I can't think of another movie back then that talked about this.

I sure as hell wasn't taught it in my school.

It's a dark stain on this country and the fact people tried to cover it up is reprehensible.

Like Miyagi fought in WW2 and won the medal of honor. Fighting for a country that killed his wife and kid.

Just...damnnnn. That's a hell of a background story.

Like Miyagi has a better backstory than most dramas and this is a comedy.

We see Daniel montaging the crane kick and balance and shit.

We have this amazing music and, to be serious for a moment, this is a really powerful and fantastic scene, too.

I will joke about this movie, but it's really, really, really, really good.

We then see Miyagi covered in baseball umpire gear as he trains Daniel to FINALLY punch.

Miyagi doesn't have a punching bag, he uses his god damn chest!

Daniel goes to town and Miyagi gets annoyed, she he trips his ass.

Miyagi is tired of Daniel being an annoying c-word.

We cut to Daniel's birthday.

Miyagi has a cake for him.

Man. I'm glad this is a mentor/mentee relationship because otherwise this would just be...weird.

But in all seriousness, we now realize that Daniel is his surrogate son and Miyagi is Daniel's surrogate dad.

They both were missing something and they help to fill that gap with a friendship deeper than most people will ever have.

Miyagi gives daniel his karate gi his wife made for him.

Daniel also got his driver's license. Miyagi is happy because he can continue to force Daniel to drive him and now he won't have to worry about child endangerment charges.

Daniel realizes he's late for his surprise birthday part.

Miyagi has another present for him.

A sweet ass car to impress the ladddddiessss.

Hey. Daniel. Don't get too attached to that car or Elizabeth because the sequel take them both from ya.

Miyagi gives him some yoda wisdom and Daniel drives off not quite understanding it.

Daniel goes to the putt putt place...looking for Elizabeth I guess.

He sees her there with her monstrous friends.

He begins to stalk her across the arcade.

Like, okay, to be fair. Her friends don't like Daniel because they think he's a piece of shit and don't want their friend making a bad life choice.

Daniel makes an ass of himself and Elizabeth is...uh..

Okay. Down to zero people who are nice in this unvierse.

Elizabeth is a bit of a snob. See...she's just an uptown girl in her something world on a something something going somewhere.

Oh. Finally, Elizabeth's friend lets Daniel know that he didn't see what really happened.

Elizabeth decked Johnny.

Daniel asks why she didn't say anything and he gets the response I've gotten. "You should have just known."

Yeah. We men are all psychic.

Daniel goes to apologize to Elizabeth because that's what we do...even if we're right.

Look. I'm not saying EVERYONE is like this, I'm just saying I know how to keep a relationship from imploding for at least a month...maybe even two.

They make up and I'm BACK ON TEAM ELIZABETH!!

They make up and make out.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE. I AM SO GOD DAMN CLEVER.

I SHOULD HAVE 100,000 FOLLOWERS!!!!

Daniel shows off his new ass mobile. He even lets her drive saying "Hey...it's the 80s" and that's such an 80s thing to say.

They drive off and...does...does she have a license?

The next day we cut to the tournament sign up bit.

Miyagi says "Yeah...he's totally a black belt. Uh. Even though the discipline I teach doesn't use such a bullshit system. By the way...I didn't steal this black belt."

We then cut to Daniel getting ready and the Cobra Kai's come in and...oof. Uh. Sexism and a tinge of homophobia isn't cool.

Luckily, the only cool person because Elizabeth comes in. The ref.

He's pretty cool with that stache.

As Daniel comes out Elizabeth gives him the stolen black belt.

Daniel has to go to the ring.

An official tries to stop Elizabeth from going with them because he's sexist and doesn't think a woman can be part of a karate ...I'm kidding. It's the 80s. Of course they don't.

Luckily, Daniel uses the dude's ignorance to say Miyagi needs a translator...to speak to Daniel.

That...that would be an interesting class. Having Elizabeth translate everything.

Daniel steps into the ring and immediately gets kicked out of it.

We ...OH COME ON DANIEL. STOP RUNNING OUT OF THE RING YA WIMP!

The cool ref is like "Stop being a punk ass. You leave again and I take a point...geez. Don't be a loser. Look at my sweet stache."

Daniel then starts montaging the fuck out of being the best.

The Cobra Kai do the same and can I point out that Daniel 100% would have lost.

Like...he barely shows any competence. The Cobra Kai show wayyyy more skill.

We see Daniel and the Cobra Kais winning.

Johnny is just the coolest and HE WOULD HAVE WON IN REAL LIFE!!!

We then see Miyagi strapping medical something or other on Daniel's ribs.

This is the last bit of the tournament.

Semifinals if you will.

Johnny gets up and just awesomes his way to beating the fuck out of some lame ass.

Again. Johnny only loses because the script demands it.

He defeats some dude who is 2983923 times more talented than daniel.

Like Daniel can do basic kicks and shit. These other people are doing flips and roundhouse kicks and shit.

Daniel is maybe a green belt at best.

But...script.

Kreese tells one of his students to put Daniel out of commission. "Punch him in the dick!"

The guy dick punches Daniel and Daniel goes down like a punk ass.

The Cobra Kai guy is disqualified and Daniel has 15 minutes to put his dick back into place and fight.

We then cut to the locker room and WHERE HAS HIS MOTHER BEEN UP UNTIL NOW?

She's there but she...wasn't there before this?

Daniel is crying because his dick hurts. They act like its his leg, but..

OH GOD THIS JOKE IS GOING BAD IN ABOUT 2 SECONDS WITH THE LEG MASSAGE.

Daniel demands Miyagi to fix his "leg."

Miyagi massages it and he gets better.

Well...he's able to hobble his ass out there to get beat if this movie even remotely tried to be real.

JOHNNY WON!!

Miyagi tells him to close his eyes and then massages the high schooler.

Just as Johnny is rightly given the trophy, Daniel comes out to get beaten.

But...script...fucking scripts.

Remkae this god damn movie and have Johnny rightly win!!!

Like I'm legit glad we got the Cobra Kai show so we could get the proper redemption for Johnny.

Johnny outmatches Daniel on every level, but before Johnny can get a point...the director threw the script into Zabka's face.

Zabka is momentarily blinded and Daniel gets a point.

There's another moment Johnny is about to score, when the writer throws sand in Zabka's eyes and Daniel takes advantage of it and bloodies Zabka's nose.

Zabka goes to Kreese to check out his wound, but Kreese calls him a bitch ass.

Then Johnny goes and knocks the director back and gets the point he deserved.

Zabka then gets more points, but the ref refuses to give them because the director is shoving bribes into his pocket.

Seriously. Have some decency!!!

The writer, director, and producer then start shooting poison darts at Johnny to slow him down.

They then grab Zabka's arm and shoves it into Daniel's face to not allow Johnny the point.

Daniel does the most telegraphed kick in human history and Johnny chops that shit.

Daniel limps like a wimp while the Cobra Kai scream they're going to invest in body bags.

Daniel then gets into a crane kick pose. Unfortunately for Johnny, he's not in the sequel...so this ILLEGAL KICK TO THE FACE IS ALLOWED BECAUSE THE REF WAS PAID OFF.

FUCK THAT REF.

HE WAS BRIBED!!!!!

Daniel STEALS the tournament win and then we go from the last point to Johnny going "You're alright" to "We did it" to Miyagi nodding in about 2 fucking seconds.

It's like that scene in the room...rushed.

And...it just ends..

Just fucking ends...

Like Karate Kid 2 gives a proper ending to this movie.

So go watch the beginning of Karate Kid 2 to see the real ending to this movie.

Well. That was Karate Kid and it's a lot of fun.

It's a great 80s movie about the underdog and neve...okay. Giving up but then ungiving up.

Watch it.

@threadreaderapp unroll