Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So the other day @Soundsaboutleft and I were chilling at home when someone hammered on our door. Like...HAMMMERED ON IT.

No, it wasn't Fraggle Ninjas come to seek their revenge.

No. It was something wayyyy worse.

Anxiety.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1437187020854464515

The door just shook as it continuing to pound on my door.

I sure as hell wasn't going to open it up for a couple reasons and not just because this was the third door I'd replaced in as many weeks.

No. There was a pandemic going on and I wasn't gonna deal with that shit.

The other reason was because I was pretty sure that the fraggles had teamed up with the remaining smurfs and hired snipers. Blood feuds...am I right?

Anyway, I peeked out the eyehole and there was this gargantuan dude. On his shirt it said "Anxiety."

Shit.

"Open up, asshole!" it yelled. "I wanna remind you about the fact that the older you get, the closer to death you are. Yeah. That's right, fucko. You're gonna end up underground by hook or by crook."

Left looked up from his jigsaw puzzle. "Ah, shit. That asshole back?"

"Yep."

"I was hoping he'd leave us alone," I said. "I threw out an iPad with movies on it out there. It should have distracted him."

"Yeah. Well, movies and tv only distract so much."

"He...he looks more buff. Like...has anxiety been working out?"

Left got up to look. "Shit. He has."

Left went over to a window to glance out.

I joined him after another smashing by anxiety made the door thwomp me in the nose.

"Hey. Remember that the election coming up in 2022 is gonna be a real ball buster. You live in a country that is seeing the backlash of angry racists. How does it feel?"

"Fuck me," Left said. "This dude is a total prick."

"Yeah and...oh shit. Is...is that existential dread?"

Existential Dread started to walk to my front door. That dude made anxiety seem like a total wimp. Just muscles upon muscles.

"That's not good," I said.

Existential Dread and Anxiety did a bro hug and then started to kick at our door.

Luckily, the door was reinforced steel with a metal frame to keep it from ripping out from the wall.

Existential Dread: "Remember that our galaxy alone is over 600 quadrillion miles across and it's one of trillions of galaxies out there that makes up an ever expanding universe."

Anxiety screamed "Your writing career will never happen. Give up, punk. There's no market for your dumb shit."

Existential Dread: "When you are gone, the world will move on with only a tiny number of people to mourn you."

"God damn, they're brutal" Left muttered to himself.

"What do we do about them?"

"Hell if I know," Left said. "I mean...you'd think that our adventures into absurdist madness would have left us completely immune to this."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Yeah. Obviously, idiot."

"Uh. Do...do we drink?" I asked.

"That's just gonna make them come back later even stronger. This is gonna require us to confront them. We go out there and we talk it out. Maybe they'll fuck off."

Outside Anxiety and E.D. were still kicking at the door when the trapdoor that was part of our porch opened up. Left sneaked out of the hole and jumped on E.D's back and started to stab it in the throat with a butcher knife.

E.D. started to scream "Humanity is destroying the planet and society will collapse within a hundred years."

Anxiety turned to help E.D., but I was already there with a mace. Not the spray kind. The medieval kind.

He took it to the face either way.

Anxiety was blinded by his own blood, but he still started to say "Your isolation has broken your ability to reemerge yourself back into crowds!"

Another blow to Anxiety's face caused it to scream.

A few more to the fact and groin dropped it.

Meanwhile, Left had sawed E.D.'s head clean off. It still was talking smack. "You are stardust and that's what you'll..." Left had removed its tongue.

"Fuck those pricks," Left said between sucking in air. Killing E.D. and Anxiety is exhausting work.

We buried their corpses in our front yard. Mostly because they were really fucking heavy and Bulking Item Pick Up wouldn't take them. I know...we tried.

We salted the bodies hoping that would stop them from becoming zombies.

We'll see if they stay there.