Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So not a lot of people know this, but @Soundsaboutleft and I lived in Salem, Massa...mas...massoftwoshits in the 90s.

It was all skateboards and Surge drinks and...flannel and shit.

Oh, and we released witches that were spiritual cannibals.

Radical, dude!!

I legit still remember watching Hocus Pocus in the theaters as a kid...yes. I am old. Yes, you will be old, too, and have hypothetical people judge you for your age.

YOU WILL GET OLD, TOO!!!

Anyway, Hocus Pocus is a FANTASTIC film and I love it.

Doesn't mean I won't do my thing and goofily poke fun at it.

So understand I do this with love.

It stars the insanely talented @BetteMidler (I ADORE this woman), the wonderful @kathynajimy, THE @SJP, the brilliant @1107miss, the always funny @JasonMarsden, the amazing @actordougjones, the stunning @VinessaShaw, the cool Omri Katz, and others.

Again. I love this movie. LOVE IT.

And I'm going to get dumb with it, so forgive me anyone involved in this for my stupid persona comments.

It starts out with a book.

Ugh. I have to read???

It's the necronomicon ex mortis

We see the Shadow of a Witch...oh man. That'd be a cool game title.

Anyway, the witch flies to Williamsburg Virginia where some guy named...Thackery?

Thackery?

The fuck?

Anyways, Thack wakes up looking for his sister. He's dressed all old timey and screaming "EMILY. GET BACK HERE. I HAVE A CANDLE MAKING SEMINAR TO GIVE SOON!"

Thack goes to his buddy...Ye Teenage Friend and asks about Emily.

The friend is like "LOL...no, but look at that massive pink/purple smoke going into the sky. Witches, yo!"

Then we see a witch taking Emily away "I have an MLM to talk to you about."

Thack gives chase and tumbles the fuck down a massive hill without breaking a rib.

He lands at the bottom of the hill and in front of the...witch's house.

I don't know about anyone else, but if I lived in that village, I'd be pissed that witches lived maybe a 2 minute walk away.

I mean...wouldn't you go over there with your flintlock and Cotton Mather their asses???

Thack sneaks in to look inside the house. He sees his sister getting creeped on by 3 old ladies.

"Just bring in 3 of your friends and you'll be making enough money to quit your day job!! I have a juice that'll also give you lots of energy."

Midler and the others are witches and they start to use the necronomicon to make a spell to drain the life out of Emily which...oof.

That's gotta set off some red flags.

They get all the ingredients needed while Shakespeare is in the corner doing lines and screaming "It's double double toil and trouble!"

Meanwhile, Thack is just...watching?

I mean. Dude. They're going to gank your sister, shouldn't yo...okay.

So you say something just as they go to give her the potion they just made.

The witches circle around each other until Thack knocks them and the potion over.

Thack goes to untie Emily when Midler Emperor Palpatines his ass.

Then...Emily is now glowing even though THEY NEVER GAVE HER THE POTION!

Seriously. She never drinks it.

So the 3 witches go and suck on a...oh god I am going to get on a list if I finished that.

So absorbing emily's life force into them turns the witches younger.

You know rich people use the blood of young people to make themselves feel stronger.

No...fucking seriously. They do.

They're a burden upon the world and should be ...

oh shit. Sorry. I need to Focus on Hocus Pocus.

Thack then talks MAD shit about the Sanderson sisters.

So to punish him, Midler turns him...immortal?

Okay. I mean he has to be an immortal cat, but I'll take it over FUCKING DYING.

Considering this was 1693, he probably would have died from a hang nail the following week.

(So I really dig the synced witch spell casting.

They're all amazing at it.)

After they do this, the local towns folks hammer on the door "Open the fuck up, hags!!! This is Pilgrims P.D.!"

We cut to the sisters being on...gallows? Oh. They're all noosed up and ready to go.

Thack's dad asks about where his son is.

Midler makes a joke "LOL. I turned him into a cat...an immortal one."

Midler then casts a spell so that she and her sisters will be resurrected when a virgin lights a candle sometime in the future.

"I hope it'll be during the decade with Alternative music, cool Doritos flavors, and Taco Bell chihuahuas."

Then we hear a voice over from the lady who gets drunk making food in Gremlins 2.

She's a teacher telling her students the story...that I'm pretty sure the kids have all heard and is only told for the audience's benefit.

Just saying.

Max is the California kid who is new to town.

He keeps screaming "GNARLY!" and "RADICAL, DUDES!!!" and shit.

Max is a bit of a pill. He hates Halloween and fun.

He scoffs at the story and...way to make people hate you on your first week.

The teacher goes "California is a liberal cuckland!!"

Max is confused "Uh...isn't this 30 years too earl..."

And the teacher backhands him.

Max then says Halloween was made by candy companies.

Wow. Way to just make up shit. You don't even have the internet to get your bullshit from.

This is the 90s and only nerds like myself were on the net at this point in time.

Max is corrected by Allison. She's like "Uh..Halloween was a pagan ritual. You're an idiot."

Max flirts with her by giving her his number and saying "Call me if Jimi Hendrix shows up."

Oh, man. Remember giving people your number on a piece of paper?

Some random dude goes "LOL...max you have no shot with Vanessa Shaw. She was in Ladybugs and will be in other films."

Max and others all leave school for HALLLOWEEEEENNNNNNN!!!

SPOOOKKY!!

You know what's really spooky?

Being stuck inside for 2 fucking Halloweens straight because a god damn Biblical plague is ripping through the world.

Man...the 90s were a simpler time.

Max goes up to Allison and tries to flirt with her. He's like "RADICAL! You're stupid for believing in witches and shit in Salem of all places."

Allison gives him a piece of paper and it turns out to be his own number.

YA GOT SHUT DOWN, MAX!

We then get some sweet bicycle through town montages.

Then Max desecrates a...graveyard.

That's...dude. Don't drive your bike through a graveyard. That's not cool.

Max is punished when he's ambushed by Vanilla Ice and his friend...Vanilla Ice2.

Double Vanilla then demand a toll for allowing him to go through their grave...oh my god those clothes.

They then mug Max for his shoes while taunting him and calling him Hollywood.

Sick burn, Double Vanilla.

We cut to Max storming into his house as his parents continue to unpack.

Max goes up to his room and sulks.

The parents see him without his shoes and go "Must be a type of protest...he certainly couldn't be mugged here."

We then see a perspective from the closet like we're in The Crush.

Max then starts to fantacize about Allison and just before he can...uh...complete.

His sister (Thora Birch), Dani storms out of the closet just before she's permanently scarred.

Dani wants Max to take her trick or treating.

Max is like "You're 8...you can go by yourself."

Uh. Man. People had weird ideas on how old you could be to safely do shit like...go out at night by yourself to trick or treat while people dress up and do things to scare each other.

Dani screams and Max is forced to take her out.

"How dare you make me waste my night. I was going to stay home and play drums poorly and fantasize about a girl at my school."

Max is too cool for this when he sees Double Vanilla and his buddies harassing people.

They're demanding a toll from Dani. Dani tells them to pound sand.

Max is a total cuck and gives up all of her candy.

Man. How sad and pathetic is your life that you harass young kids who are trick or treating??

Double Vanilla 100% are both meth heads today and screaming about the "good ole days."

Dani just emasculates the fuck out of Max. I mean Max should just curl into a ball and cry.

Max yells at Dani and she...goes and lays on hay and someone's jack o lantern?

That's...that's how you start fires.

Max goes and apologizes for being a dbag. "I want to go back to California. I refuse to make friends here because SURFS UP, DUDES!!"

Dani forgives him and they go to the next house.

This is a BIG MANSION HOUSE THINGY.

Basically, rich people.

They go to the door and knock...even though no one else is trick or treating at this house.

Way to suspend my disbelief.

They literally B&E this house and see a mound of candy and they go to grab it all. HOly shit.

This is Allison's house and she's WAYYY too cool with these 2 breaking into her house during a masquerade and..HOLY SHIT.

This is a god damn Eyes Wide Shut party. Vanessa Shaw (Allison) would later be in said movie.

This is blowing my fucking mind.

Allison gives them punch and she complains about how the party is lame.

She then says she has candy duty. "I was coming downstairs to open the door when you assholes barged in."

Dani then says that her brother loves Allison's boobs.

WTF!

Dani talks about the witches and Allison is like "My mom ran the museum...that was made from the house of the Sandersons. Yeah, the locals didn't burn that Satanic building. They just left it...until the locals turned it into a museum 200 years later."

So Max gets Allison to take them to the museum because ya know...teenager wants teenager.

Allison walks them ove...OKAY SERIOUSLY.

The Witch's house is on the main avenue.

So the puritans just built their god damn city around a house of actual satan worshippers. WTF.

Then we see them break into the house and Max steals a zippo lighter.

See, the museum closed down, but they left all the merchandise so that a virgin could light a candle.

And that's the other thing. The museum people just left the candle there? And all the other ingredients?

Wouldn't that shit have all decayed over 300 fucking years?

Ya know...this movie about resurrecting, satan-worshipping witches is starting to sound unrealistic.

Max shows off his "light zippo on jeans" trick taht everyone in the 90s did.

We used to also make creases in our jeans and put fluid in it and light it so it'd make a cool flame.

We...we were animals.

We then see them being stalked by the immortal cat as Allison looks at the necronomicon.

It's in a god damn museum case.

As is ...man.

I...

*shakes head*

Whatever.

Allison points out that the black flame candle is in a corner.

"Tubular!! I'm a virgin and I'm going to light this candle" Max says.

Just before he can do it, the immortal cat (Thack) attacks him.

Then Thack goes "my job is done...that loser won't try that again."

Except the loser tries it again and lights the flame.

Then things go sideways!

All the lights explode and candles turn on and the floors get all jump and jivin'.

THEN THE SANDERSON SISTERS RETURN!!!!!!!

Ya know. I refuse to believe that no one before Max who was a virgin didn't try this shit.

Midler and her sisters come storming back into the house.

Makes me wonder how it feels to them be...ah fuck it.

That's like trying to explain why the lucky rattail SJP looked for was still there and not rotted to dust.

Midler's sister (Mary) smells kids and SJP (Sarah...huh) can lure them with her voice and HOLY FUCK where is Chris Hansen when you need him?

They find Dani and she's like "COWABUNGA! I'm a witch and brought you back. And it's 1993. You guys need to try the Sega Genesis!!"

Immediately the sisters try to...eat Dani?

Max jumps up to stop them and Midler Emperors his ass, too.

She then force throws his ass into a wall.

She starts to force kill him when Allison grabs a broom and beats the fuck out of Mary...then hits her with a skillet.

Dani then bagslaps the fuck out of Midler and SJP.

Then Thack immortal claws the sisters.

Max then uses the zippo to set the sprinkle systems off and goes "This is teh burning rain of death."

He doesn't mean like...poison.

He means the bacteria in that stagnant as fuck water is gonna kill them from legionaires or something.

Max trips balls and the cat jumps on him and goes "steal the book ya virgin loser incel."

Max takes the book and they all escape.

Midler then realizes it's just water.

They all try it and this is the thing that kills them later in the movie.

It's like the Martians in War of the Worlds.

The sisters then go outside and are confounded by asphalt.

The sisters then see firemen and RUN AWAY!!

We cut to Max and the others following a talking cat.

Like ya do.

It's a graveyard.

Max is like "We can't go in there. I don't have my bicycle to desecrate it!!"

Thack is like "Follow me, bitches."

They stumble through the graveyard and come across Billy Butcher. Played by the best damn silent actor currently kicking it (Doug Jones).

Billy was Midler's lover who cheated on him with Sarah and Midler went Medie...errr...Puritan??? on his ass.

She poisoned and sewed up his mouth. Ouch.

Allison is like "Hey. You're Thack. Can I have your autograph?"

We then cut to the firemen taking photos for a calendar and then going "I hate Halloween. Teens pull pranks like...flooding a closed museum."

The sisters think they're witch hunters and then Midler tells us "We're dead by dawn unless we get that potion. I'll remember a thousand spells, but not the one that'll keep us alive. And I can't reuse the resurrection spell."

We then get some exposition from Thack about what he's been up to.

"I realized I couldn't die, so I got bored. I didn't have thumbs, so that was out, so I decided to stop virgins from fucking it up. I got distracted when I attacked Max by the catnip...so."

Then Max goes "We got 3 hags against teh 20th century. What can she do? We have dial up!!"

Then we find out that the necronomicon can't be burnt. Yeah...we know. It's basically the LOTR ring without...the volcano weakness.

So it's better than the LOTR ring.

Sarah then hits on an underaged Max and Allison beats her off with a stick.

Huh...so that's where that saying comes from.

Midler tries to sing the book back to herself, but Thack stops her.

Midler is like "LOL. Thack, you're still around? Sucks to be you living all immortal and shit."

Then Max is like "They can't touch us here, right?"

Thack goes "Oh, shit. I forgot they can resurrect their former lovers and I took us to the exact spot he was buried. My bad. Maybe we should have gone to the other side of teh graveyard and we'd be fine."

Billy Butcher resurrects and...my god I love @actordougjones (the actor...not the political monster).

He makes you think he's a 300 year old dead zombie just resurrected with his mannerisms.

Just brilliant.

The kids run from the zombie and he gives chase.

But not until after he looks at his tombstone and gives a "HOLY FUCK?" look to it.

Such a great movie.

They run to a hole in the...wall for some reason is there in the graveyard?

But not before Max knocks Billy's Block off.

Billy searches for his head as Max jumps into a catacomb.

We find out that Thack eats mice in there.

That means Thack is the immortal demon of the rat world. They must tell stories of his evil to all the rat kids.

Billy finds his head as Midler tells him to go find the book.

"We're going to go get ready for our song number later when we enthrall the adults."

The witches land outside the graveyard and I just have to point out that SJP does amazing physical comedy and plays the perfect buffoon.

Just...hilarious.

Mary then makes Midler get into a calming circle.

She takes out some MLM candles and lotions and shit.

She then tells her she can join her MLM for just $3,000.

As this is going on, a bus driver pulls up and hits on the sisters.

He's all like "Get on so I can get you off...to where you want to go."

HOLY SHIT THIS IS A DISNEY MOVIE.

Midler: "We desire...children."

Driver: "Hey, it may take me a couple tries, but that won't be a problem."

How the fuck did they get away with this???

We cut back to Billy stalking them in the catacomb/sewers.

Max and the others find a ladder and they make their way up.

We see the driver with Sarah on his lap and she's driving....hhaha..

How did this shit get made?

Amazing.

Sarah runs over Thack...haha...god damn I love this movie.

The driver is like "Ut oh. Speed bump!!!"

Thack comes back to life going "I told you. I was cursed with immortality...I mean. Cursed in the loosest way possible."

Then Mary screams "I SMELL CH*****N!" and holy fuck this is going to be flagged...

I'm just going to go back and delete some letters.

Sarah stops the bus and they get off while the driver is like "I thought I was the one who was supposed to get off!"

The sisters then wonder around as costumed kids walk around them.

Mary is like "I can smell them, but I can't see them."

Just...whoeer is looking into my account ...I'M JUST DESCRIBING A FAMILY FILM!!

Garry Marshall comes out of his house dressed as Satan and goes "I'M IN A COSTUME. I HOPE 3 RESURRECTED WITCHES DON'T THINK I'M THE ACTUAL LUCIFER!!"

The sisters follow Satan into his house.

Never do this...he never has any good candy. Just that hard candy shit your grandmother used to give you.

Max and the others run up to a cop and Max tells them they brought back the witches.

The cop is like "You lit the candle?"

Then the cop takes Max aside and asks...if he's a virgin after his sister lets that slip.

Just...what???

This god damn movie, man.

The cop then yells at them for "pulling a prank."

We then find out this isn't a real cop. It's just someone dressed as a cop on a cop motorcycle.

Uh...so you were cool with talking to a kid about being...never mind.

The fake cop then drives over Billy Butcher and Billy loses some fingers.

Poor Billy.

We cut back to Satan going to talk to his wife...sister.

The brilliant Penny Marshall.

Oh, god. I love the Marshall family. They were both brilliant and the world is a worse place without them.

Penny is slamming back whiskey as she insults the sisters.

We then cut to outside where 3 kids steal the sister's brooms.

It's implied they fly off.

Those kids 100% fell to their deaths.

Satan then entices them with mini snickers.

Sarah wants to dance with Satan as Midler goes into their kitchen and assumes it's a torture chamber.

Yeah. Uh...they had meat mallets back in the 17th century.

Meanwhile, Mary watches tv. With a baby who is now 30..oh god I'm old!

Satan's wife comes downstairs and sees Sarah dancing with them.

She loses her shit and throws the witches out...with the help of a tiny dog.

The witches flee the hellhound and go out to see their brooms are stolen.

It's at this moment Midler realizes that wasn't Satan.

"That was just an old man who was trying to cheat on his wife!"

And also that everyone in costume is a human.

Yeah. Did you think goblins took over earth???

We then cut to the BIG HALLOWEEN EVENT in Salem...for parents who left their children behind at home.

Seriously...it's filled to the brim with negligent parents.

And we got a cool skeleton band playing tunes like "You're terrible for not watching your kids."

No lie. This Halloween party is cooler than any halloween party you've ever been to.

The costumes are on a whole other level.

Max is then grabbed from behind by his dad.

His dad is like "LOL. We're neglecting you. I hope nothing happened to you while we ignored you. Also, way to get this hot piece right here!"

Dani stumbles across her mom voguing and...oof. Man. That costume.

Dani tells her mom about everything and her mom ignores her.

Thack is too much of a dick to talk because, no lie, if a cat talked to me. I'd fucking listen.

We cut to the Sanderson sisters having found Max and friends by using...GPS????

Midler is glaring at the band like "I could do better at singing."

Meanwhile, Max's parents continue to ignore their kids because THEY'RE THE WORST!

Max goes on stage and is like "GNARLY COOL TUBULAR, DUDEEESSS!! The Sanderson sisters are back. Look over there. I WANT A GOD DAMN SPOTLIGHT ON THEM SO YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME AND LISTEN TO THEM SING!!"

Midler turns that shit around on Max by saying "Thank you Max for that marvelous introduction."

Then Midler sings a song ...a siren song of enthrallment.

She turns all the negligent parents into dancing fools. Dare I say it's a dancing plague.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dancing_p…

So the parents listen to this and it makes them all dance to death (unless the witches are destroyed).

Somehow Max and the others are fine.

Maybe it only affects you if your music plays on the oldies channel???

Meanwhile, Billy Butcher appears and chases them out.

The parents see a weirdo chasing their underaged children and they literally go "I wish we had a camera...to take the final photo of our kids alive."

WTF Salem parents???

Outside, Max loses his shit.

"You take my sister and go to your house."

They're interrupted by a guy who comes outside to murder a lobster...from a tank that looks nasty as fuck.

Then they hide from the witches. Mary only smells fish and there's a joke there I won't make.

Luckily they leave before Allison's goofiness can get them caught.

It does, however, GIVE HER AN IDEA!!!!

We cut to the witches going into a school claiming it's a prison for kids.

"Teaching them to be functioning members of society who can think for themselves is evil." The Sanderson Sisters 100% created the GQP platform on education.

We then see Max taunt the sisters "How the fuck did you find us? Do we have lowjack on us o...oh...it's the god damn book, isn't it? Fuck...we should ahve put that in a box or something."

Then the sisters are lured into the a ...kiln?

A kiln at a high school.

And not just a small one. One that's 5 times the size of a New York Apartment.

The kids shut the door on them and burn them alive.

The kids then celebrate.

Okay...let's go back to this high school that thinks it's a good idea for high schoolers to have access to a kiln that you can lock and burn people alive in...

I...what???

We cut to the kids celebrating and Thack being all sad and shit.

Max is like "i got something that'll make you really sad. You're going to be part of our family. I just hope our parents don't freak when you outlive them."

The kids go home and realize their parents aren't there.

"I guess they're still partying. I mean we told them not to listen to your song because we somehow knew it'd hurt them, but we'll just assume they're fine after being enthralled to dance to death."

We then see Dani cuddling Thack and Max cuddling Allison and...this is a Disney f...

Yeah. Max immediately falls asleep. No teenager could pass out with a girl in his arms when he was...inexperienced.

So unrealistic.

We cut back to the witches reassembling their destroyed atoms and leaving the kiln.

Now we see Double Vanilla vandalizing and eating candy.

They talk MAD shit about the sisters and the sisters FUCK THEM UP!!!

We cut to the witch's house and they have Double Vanilla in cages.

They're crying as Midler tries to remember the spell.

"Ugh.I remembered dozens of spells, but not the one I needed."

They realize they're fucked if they can't get the book as Sarah tortures Single Vanilla Scoop.

Midler opens the window and calls out to the necronomicon.

In the background we hear Bruce Campbell go "Grooovyyy."

We cut to Max waking up beside Allison.

It's 5am and Allison is freaking out that her parents will kill her.

Max tries to get her to stay.

Max even resorts to pretending to care about Thack.

Allison is like "Let's use the book he told us not to use."

Allison opens the book that was literally given to the witches by Satan.

I'm no prude, but that's gotta damn your soul to hell.

Allison opens the book and it (unbeknownst to max/allison) sends out a god damn flare to Midler.

Midler is writing bad poetry as she says goodbye to the world.

but she sees the flare and they go to the...

Wait.

How did they find the kids before but not after coming back??????

This...this m...the smell, but thatfjksdlk

Ah who fuckign cares.

The sisters grab mops/brooms/vacuum cleaners to fly on.

They, apparently, need cleaning equipment to fly.

Wait...so if the sisters can make anything fly...does that mean the brooms retain this p...

Ah, never mind.

Meanwhile, Allison finds a bit about how salt protects you from evil.

A young Dean and Sam Winchester saw this movie and realized how they could fight demons and evil spirits.

Thack jumps on the book and is like "DON'T YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY NOT TO OPEN THIS SHIT???!!"

And, of course, they fucked up things.

Midler breaks into the house unbeknownst to them.

Allison and Max go to find Salt.

Max has to look around to find some. Come on...who doesn't have a tub of salt just in a massive bowl like ...wait.

Sorry. That's cocaine.

Just as Max is about to kiss Allison, he gets cockblocked by the witches taking Dani.

Midler uses the book to hurt Max, but before she can hurt Allison...she flings salt around herself.

Throw some in the witches' faces!!

The witches then take teh book and Dani with them.

Way to botch the save, Allison.

Then Sarah sings a song while flying about 3000 feet in the air.

Somehow kids all over Salem are able to hear it.

Does...does she have a speaker up her asshole?

I should point out that the kids of Salem are all enthralled to go to the witch's house only because their negligent parents were too busy ignoring them.

No...seriously. You can tell those kids have awful parents because 1) None of them are stopped by their kids and 2) The kids are all in robes, etc.

That means the kids are used to putting themselves to sleep at night.

Many are like...4 or 5.

So, yeah, shitty parenting.

Allison points out that she knows that the witches will be...DEAD BY DAYLIGHT!

Meanwhile, Midler and Mary are brewing a new potion.

Again, apparently, the museum kept all the ingredients they'd need to make a new potion. It included a dead man's toe.

Just...oof.

Max and Allison then get into their vehicle to drive to the witch's house.

They're being blocked by the enthralled kids in the street who are...walking away from where Max and Allison are driving.

WHAT?? THEY SHOULD BE GOING TO THE SAME PLACE!!!!

Dani talks MADDDD shit about the witches.

Like...damn, girl.

Midler bites her tongue and spits it into the potion.

We see max pull up and...maybe they had to drive to a hardware store to buy colored filters???

Just as they try to force feed Dani, Max comes in and screams about Daylight Savings Time.

"WE FALL BACK, ASSHOLES!!"

A bright light floods the house and the witches freak out.

This is all in their head that they're being burnt alive.

Who is being burned? Thack. He's in a sack over the fire.

They save him.

Double Vanilla beg for help, but Max takes his shoes back and goes "LOL. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FROM THESE WITCHES EATING YOU!!!'

Cold blooded, Max. I dig your style.

Maxi dumps the potion and they run.

Dani wants to watch them die, but she realizes it's all a ruse.

Rouge? Moulin Rouge?

Max then drives like an asshole and breaks shit.

Inside, the witches realized they've been Moulin Rouged.

The potion has a tiny amount. Just enough for one kid.

Now...instead of eating one of the many kids they have at their house now. Midler decides Dani must die.

Uh. Eat the one kid so you get more time...make more potion and then eat Dani.

Ugh. Time management!!!

We then get a car chase scene with...brooms.

Oh, man. This reminds me of that scene from Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

They go back into the graveyard and Billy is there.

Max tries to fight him off with a knife. Billy takes the knife and cuts open his sewed up mouth and talks MAD SHIT about Midler.

Billy is the best.

As Max and Billy go up to Allison/Dani, he has to tell them he's good.

Dani immediately befriends the undead Billy Butcher.

They then prep the ground with salt and put Dani in her early grave...and salt the earth like it's Carthage.

HEYYOOOO

We get teh final battle.

Max the Virgin vs The Sanderson Sisters.

WHO WILL WIN??

We then see Allison use salt to make Sarah fling backwards and...again we realize that she could have saved Dani earlier.

Billy and Allison and Max fight the different sisters like this is a video game battle.

Allison even overuses the salt.

Meanwhile, Billy gets his block knocked off again and Dani goes to retrieve it.

She leaves herself open to getting got by Midler.

Midler begins to fly off with her when she...stops just above them and tries to give her the potion.

Thack knocks the potion down and into Max's hands.

Max is going to smash it, but Midler is like "Break it and I break her like I'm the Russian in Rocky IV. What? I make contemporary references through this movie."

Max then chugs the potion so that Midler swaps them out.

Dani is released and Max flies up to get sucked by Mid...oh man.

How did this movie get made???

We then see the various sisters trying to help Midler suck...oh god.

How...how do I put this in a better way?

She's literally sucking the life of...ugh.

I...she's eating Max. There. Better. Not accurate, but better sounding.

There's some battling b/w Mary/Sarah and Allison/Billy/Dani.

Max knocks Midler upside her head and they fall to the ground.

Midler then crawls over to suck...eat Max.

However, before she can consume him, the sun rises.

We find out that the Sanderson sisters are like trolls and are turned to stone upon being touched by the sun.

Oh, man. Midler as stone looks like the inspiration from the angels in Dr Who. Not saying she is...just looks it.

Then the sisters are go Kaboom.

Thack dies and Billy smiles.

Max and Dani bond over him willing to get suck...eaten by a witch.

Billy Butcher then decides to take a dirt nap.

Dani then finds Thack's corpse.

She's all crying "He was only 318 years old!!!"

But then we hear a voice. OH, SHIT. THACK WAS A JEDI!!!!

No, seriously. He's like...Dead Jedi looking as he talks to them.

We hear Han Solo screaming "I KNOW!!"

Uh. Wait...oh.

Right. Thack is like "I can now rest now that the bit...err...witches are dead."

We then see Emily is a dead jedi, too.

She plays a game of hide and seek with her dead brother as they leave the graveyard and go to...hell...heaven...chicago?

Somewhere.

Emily talks mad shit. "Where have you been."

Thack is like "I had to wait for an incel to light the candle."

Max hugs his sister and the gates close and...the end.

Wait...no.

The credits show the negligent parents FINALLY leaving the party.

You have young kids at home and you don't seem to fucking care.

We then cut to Double Vanilla starving to death in their metal cages singing songs as they die.

Then the necronomicon's eye opens up.

Now it's the end.

Well, that was Hocus Pocus and it's a great Halloween movie.

Like it's legit. If you haven't seen it, give it a watch.

@threadreaderapp unroll