Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

I don't think I've ever talked about the time that I was part of a monster fighting team back in the 1980s. Of course going against my team was @Soundsaboutleft and his band of evil monsters hellbent on world domination.

He's...uh...kind of a dick that way.

Monster Squad is one of those movies that introduced a lot of kids to horror...especially Universal Movie Horror.

We got everything from Dracula to the mummy to Frankenstein ('IT'S FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER HURRRRR'), ...gillman??, uh...werewolf dude.

Vampire brides who eat possum

I certainly loved this movie back in the day and still do.

Hell, it has one of the best looking werewolf transformations in cinema. It's not American Werewolf in London, but it's damn good.

Certainly better than the CGI bullshit today.

(I'm missing like 30 other people, but I can only post so many.)

Sadly, Brent Chalem died very young (22) from pneumonia. Dude was fantastic as Horace.

RIP dude.

Now I have to begin this by saying I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH...but I'm still going to do my jab it in the eye with a stick style of review because that's just what I do.

No offense is ever meant.

So let's jump into one of the best movies of the 1980s.

May Cthulhu consume anyone who suggests remaking this.

First, though, I gotta go jump start some dude after I shove an abby normal brain into his head.

This movie has a ton of people in it. @andregower, @killryan111, @Stephen_Macht, the always wonderful @StanShaw1, Tom Noonan, Michael Faustino, Duncan Regehr, the baller Leonardo Cimino, Jack Gwillim, Robby Kiger, @AshleyBank, the amazing Jon Gries, and Brent Chalem (RIP).

I moved this over to here so they're not spammed with a bunch of my idiotic @ stuff

The movie starts in late 1880s. Van Helsing is in Transylvania to gank Dracula.

Man. A hundred years ago today was after WWI and as people began to get hammered as a response to Spanish Flu. So. Same same.

We get shots of several GQP members’ basements with coffins and evil monsters dangling from the ceiling.

A bat turns into a man. A manbat or maybe Batman if you will.

This is Dr Acula. He’s a chiropractor and drinks blood.

Coming up some dirt path is Van Helsing and his boys. They go inside and immediately stake a vampire eating a possum or some shit.

Dude uses crossbow stake bolts like a boss.

Right there in the grand staircase area is the gem of ultimate power. It’s all sparkly.

We have 3 minutes until something. They bring in some peasant girl and force her to read an incantation that’s in German or Esperanto or some shit.

Van Helsing subscribed to the “yell at your underlings” style of being a boss and it goes sideways.

A hole is blown out of limbo and it sucks the peasant into limbo. We hear Helsing scream “There’s your retirement plan ya ingrate.”

Then some skeleton thing attacks and everyone gets sucked off…the ground and into limbo.

The last to go is Helsing.

We cut to today. Well. Today 30 years ago. At an elementary school where a principal is being a dick to Sean and his buddy, Patrick.

The principal is mad these kids draw stuff. Way to crush their artistic endeavors early ya bastard.

Patrick talks mad shit about their teacher and then shifts blame.

The principal is lame as hell. Trying to “rap with the kids.”

The principal is like “Science is real. Monsters aren’t.”

The principal is doing this while touching the shoulders of kids. So. Monsters do exist.

Then we get the first of a few homophobic slurs. Man. The 80s just loved that shit.

The kids talk shit about their teacher and are baffled anyone would bang her.

We cut to the brother from Wonder Years being a POS to Horace. They call him Fat Kid and that’s not cool.

Ugh. More homophobic slurs after Horace stands up for himself.

Dbag attacks Horace when Rudy comes up looking all cool as hell.

What we learn is that Rudy…can’t fail at being just so cool.

Oh. And dbag knocked Horace’s candy on the ground and Rudy makes him eat it like he’s punishing a bad dog.

What in sweet hell did Rudy do to put the fear of god into these people that he can make a kid eat a trash bar??

We then get a debate between Sean and Patrick about werewolf not being able to drive a car.

And about wolfman’s dick.

They then come across the Scary German Guy’s house. Everyone had that weird house that rumors revolved around.

Sean’s little sister Phoebe is bugging them when Horace comes up and makes fun of her. Dude. Wtf??

Oh. And he wants Rudy to join their monster club.

They decide to let him in if he can pass a monster test

We then cut to a couple pilots in a plane talking about their weird cargo of dead people. They hear a noise and the pilot goes in back.

He’s never watched a horror movie.

He gets a jump scare from a bat. Dude. You need a rabies shot now.

Instead of that, though, Dracula gives him a shot to the face with his fist.

The pilot opens the cargo doors and the coffins drop. Dracula follows after. Good thing they were near his house and. Uhh. It’s daylight shouldn’t he be dead??

We then see the coffins fell not far from Sean’s house. Rudy is getting a monster test as they try to quiet Eugene’s dog quiet.

Rudy is spying on Patrick’s sister with binoculars. Uh. It was the 80s and this was comedy instead of actionable.

They ask Rudy questions about monsters like “What beloved 80s tv dad was a monster who was released from prison on a technicality?”

Then Phoebe tries to join and they tell her to pound sand.

They had some question on how to kill a werewolf. Two ways. Rudy says silver.

They then go “LOL what’s the other way,” but no one knows. Because there’s only one way. Dun dun dun!!

Sean is then called into his house where his mom gives him a book from the old shadowbrook road mansion. Uh. Apparently her friend robbed the place.

Apparently it was written by Van Helsing. The fictional character. Ah well.

Anyway. The boom is in German and google translate isn’t around to give a piss poor translation.

Dracula then drives up and says “Let it begin” and then he turns on music and shakes his ass.

We cut to Sean chatting with his dad as his dad shaves.

Sean wants to see a movie, but Sean had to stay home and watch his sister.

Man. 80s.

Oh. And the movie he wants to see? Groundhog Day.

One of the sequels (part 12). When Phil goes insane and butchers people.

Sean is pissed because his friends are going and they’ll spoil it and razz his ass.

His dad calls horror sequels dumb. Pfft. Halloween 6 was a masterpiece. Hahahaha. I kid.

We find out they’re going to marriage counseling. Man. Way to let the kids know everything is going to shit.

We cut to a phone call from Sean’s dad’s partner. Things are going bad at the station. A dude thinks he’s a werewolf. The dad leaves after telling the mom he’s bailing on counseling. Yeahhhhh.

We cut back to the station where Laslo is losing it after he lost all his prizes.

This was before he was reformed and watched after Napoleon Dynamite. However, it was after he threw a pigskin clear over a mountain or some shit.

He’s screaming he’s a werewolf and wants them to lock him up. Instead they unload on his ass.

We cut to a museum where a mummy has gone missing. Man. I loved that episode of Psych.

We then get a sarcastic cross examination of the guard by the dad’s partner.

The dad says mummies don’t walk on their own just before we see one walk on it’s own.

We then follow an ambulance with Uncle Rico in the ambulance transitioning into a werewolf.

He then ganks the driver.

We cut to Sean avoiding paying drive in movie fees by having a house with a perfect angle of the drive in and a radio tuned into the audio that somehow reaches his house.

Man. I’d love that set up. These days that drive in is gone and replaced by a chipotle.

Sean’s dad comes out with fast food and my god that kid’s is the best life ever. They hang.

We cut to the ambulance murder scene where the dad’s partner is complaining about the body being missing. Oh god. Invasion of the body snatchers is real!!

We then see Uncle Wolfo going thru the woods and being confronted by Dracula and the mummy. They’re their to play cards.

Oh. And to resurrect Frankenstein. Again. Fuck off with the monster bit. This is classic universal monster names.

Though. We first have to see the creature from the black lagoon’s non copyrighted cousin, Gillman, bringing the crate up so Dracula can it’s alive that shit.

Luckily for us, all the monsters speak English even though some are from Bavaria and Transylvania

Except Gillman. He speaks Latin. Well. Latin as spoken by a creature than can only scream.

We cut to a power outage. The mom brings over a lit candle because she wants the house to burn down. She puts it beside Phoebe so that she’s the first to die. Fucked up.

Phoebe asks her mom if she’ll yell at him. The mom thinks she means the dad and man this household has some issues.

We hear the dad and mom screaming at each other. Oof. Man. Sean listens to them scream as we get the best gag ever.

Someone called about the Van Helsing diary, but the mom puts Van Halen.

The person leaves a name that is an anagram of Dracula. Way to keep it subtle ya undead dick.

Eugene then interrupts his parents fucking. They certainly are no Al and Peggy Bundy hahaha. See. Eugene is Bud Bundy’s real life brother. I’m clever.

Eugene tells his dad there is a monster in his closet. The dad opens the door, doesn’t look at the fucking mummy in there, and closes the door.

Man. Imagine if parents remotely tried to believe their kids.

We then cut to the mummy leaving his bedroom and I have to ask. Why was the mummy hiding in his closet?? He didn’t hurt the kid. He just left. Does he get off on that shit? Is he the Kid Detective??

We cut to Sean calling an emergency meeting. They’re becoming the Monster Squad after Sean hears about Uncle Rico wolfing the fuck out.

Also. A mummy disappeared from the museum and Eugene mentions he saw it.

Also. Dracula called to buy his diary.

Sean is like “We’re the only ones who’ll try this shit. Also I have Helsing’s German diary.”

They all agree to go die from monster bites.

We cut to the scary shadowbrook road mansion where Dracula…turns several innocent women into vampires.

So if Dracula is there…did he bring the diary?? Where did the diary come from to get to that house????

Dracula then tells Frankenstein to go get it and gank the kids. Dracula is a dick.

We cut to the guys outside the scary German guy’s house. They talk some shit about the dude. Horace seems to hate Germans. Patrick asks how to say something in German and the scary German guy is like “Bam bitch” and tells them.

We cut to Phoebe at the waters edge and Frankenstein creeps up and creeps.

Then back to the scary German guy translating the diary about the amulet and blowing limbo.

All the while being served pie. Scary German Guy is bitchin’!

We find out every 100 years, the amulet follows Gremlin rules by it knowing which midnight time zone it’s in.

And at that time it’s vulnerable to being destroyed. The amulet keeps good alive.

Let me tell you. So many people would destroy that amulet for a YouTube video. “Hey everyone. I just destroyed the amulet of good. Hit the like button and subscribe!!”

We also find out it’s exactly 100 years after the last time. When it used Transylvania’s midnight and now uses California’s midnight. So. That’s cool.

The kids leave and we find out that the Scary German Guy was in a concentration camp.

The kids say “You know a lot about monsters.”

He says “Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.”

And we see a concentration camp number. Holy shit.

Young me did not get this and holy shit Scary German Guy has so many stories to tell.

We find out that they need a virgin to do the spell. Just ask Max from Hocus Pocus.

The guys then go to Rudy to ask if he knows any virgins. He spit takes.

Uh. Guys. You’re all virgins. You would rather see the death of the world than admit it, though. Actually. Very realistic.

We then see them trying to collect shit to kill monsters.

Phoebe comes up and is annoying. Then she brings Frankenstein out. Yeah. That’s a hell of an entrance.

The kids scatter and Phoebe grabs Frank’s hand. Adorbs

Man. Frank has to smell like swamp ass.

Frank tears out speaking. Well. Mostly 80s slang. Frank then creeps on Patrick’s sister and takes a photo of her using a camera set up to do that. Uuhh. 80s.

Frank gets sad that he’s ugly and man this movie makes you cry.

We see the kids walking with Frank before we see Dracula going into the basement with Laslo. Dracula is mumbling about amulets and how he’s found it despite. Ohhhh.

Okay. We find out that Helsing’s disciples brought the amulet and the diary over to America. Dracula had an organ over destroying the world.

We then cut to the coolest montage ever.

Kids in school all the while shit like Rudy making silver bullets and stakes and shit. Rudy is the coolest.

We also see Phoebe bonding with Frank while Eugene sees a letter to the military that monsters are real.

Then we see collating!!!

Man. Rudy was so fucking cool.

We see them using a map. Like a real map. Man. Life back when took forever to find shit. Today I can google Dracula’s Instagram.

And we see Rudy steak a bow and arrows. He’s so cool. Like. Young me wanted to be Rudy.

And we see the photos developed of Patrick’s sister and Rudy spit takes. We then see Frank holding the photo as the other kids try to grab it. Frank is a perv.

Now we see Dracula after he’s Hangovered Uncle Rico. Dracula goes to change the women now. My bad earlier. I mixed up his schedule.

Uncle Rico wakes up and spits out the pills. He escapes to go throw the pigskin and eat a quesadilla.

Dad’s partner talks about a cool car with a silver skull front car hood ornament thing.

The dad gets a call and it’s Uncle Rico screaming about football and how Dracula is at 666 Shadowbrook Road. Bit on the nose.

Oh. And he’s like “BTW he’s gonna kill your kid. Yeah. I know you and your kid.”

Then he wolfs out and breaks a phone booth. Today he’d crush his iPhone.

We then see Sean and Horace and Eugene at the Shadowbrook house while Rudy and Patrick watch Patrick’s sister. Weird.

Eugene goes to retrieve a candy bar and he sees gillman. Gillman doesn’t do anything and what’s up with the monsters just scaring Eugene and fucking off???

We then cut to Patrick asking his own sister if she’s a virgin as Rudy watches. It’s awkward as hell.

Patrick bails and Rudy finishes the question in the coolest…well. In some way by asking if she’d been “dorked.” Which was 80s for smashing or whatever the hell you kids say these days.

Rudy then blackmails her with a nude photo. Well. Actually it’s a photo of a girl fully dressed outside. Yes. Young me did use the pause feature to see. I assumed movies wouldn’t lie. They do. God do they ever.

Oh, man. Don’t blackmail people even with fully clothed photos of strangers. It’s weird. 80s, man.

I got a message for you Rudy. Stop your messin’ around.

We cut back to Horace doing what I’d do. Wanting to bail and do something else.

We then hear Frank talking about how Dracula wants to gank the kids. Sean is like “Let’s go, bitches.”

Horace doesn’t want to go in and I get it, dude.

Inside Dracula is setting up TNT…he’s dynamite.

Meanwhile the kids are snooping around for the amulet.

Frankenstein causes a creak that causes Dracula to premature eja…err explode.

Frank gets crushed by debris.

Sean says “Let’s get the amulet.”

That’s when 5 things happen. Wolf man jumps out. Everyone shits their pants. Sean tells Horace to kick wolf man in the nards. Horace kicks him in the nards. Wolfman goes down.

Turns out you don’t need silver to down a werewolf. Just a good dick kick.

The kids run around the mansion and are confronted by brides of Dracula and Dracula and Wolfman and holy shit 12 year old me would have shut down and accepted my fate of death.

Sean is like Black Panther and never freezes. He finds a hidden lever that drops them.

We then see Rudy’s flirting method of negging Patrick’s sister. Oof.

Sean then sees the amulet and goes to get it. It’s surrounded by crosses and Dracula hates things that make you go Jump Jump.

Sean brings it out of the protected room and immediately Dracula chokes a bitch. Horace uses garlic bread to burn Dracula.

Dracula had the lamest weaknesses.

The kids run away with shit no doubt going down their legs. They’re then met up with Scary German Guy and Rudy and everyone.

They need to go somewhere and they decide a church. Uh. Most churches are closed at night.

We then cut to the dad and his partner driving to the shadowbrook road.

Then back to SGG (Scary German Guy) swerving to avoid the mummy. The mummy parkours onto the vehicle. Luckily for everyone, Rudy is the coolest and uses some of the bandages connected to a shot arrow to destroy the mummy.

Man. The mummy was lame.

The dad and partner then are driven thru by Dracula. A pissed Dracula who knows where Sean is. He knocks down his fence and then TNTs their clubhouse. Dracula don’t play!!

The dad and his partner come to confront Dracula but all they get is TNT and the partner gets proper fucked.

Dracula shakes off bullets and turns into a bat. Man. Try explaining that shit to insurance.

The dad walkie talkies Sean. Sean tells them they’re going to town square.

We cut to them going to the church and it’s locked. Uh. It’s midnight. Of course it’s closed. Go to the Burger King. It’s open!!

They yell at Patrick’s sister to read. Meanwhile, the vampire brides appear. Rudy ices them with arrow stakes. He’s so fucking cool.

Dracula flies in as the dad drives over every bush. He shoots Dracula and Dracula flies into the church. The dad kicks in the door and pulls out TNT to blow up the fucked up half-bat/half-Dracula.

Before that can happen, Uncle Rico comes in and knocks the dad around. They dynamite Laslo and he goes to pieces. Dracula had escaped though.

Then we get a really cool scene of wolfman’s pieces flying back together. So cool.

Patrick’s sister finishes the incantation and we find out she’s not a virgin. She got the D from some dude, but he shouldn’t count.

Uncle Rico comes out and ganks a bunch of cops.

Rudy then uses a silver bullet to prove there’s only one way to kill a werewolf who can throw the pigskin.

Man. Rudy kills like almost every one of the monsters solo. Dude is gonna get so much solo xp.

Gillman comes out and starts to gank more cops.

Then Eugene points out Phoebe is ya know. And we really need to have proper sex education for these monster squaders. They all could have read the incantation.

Except Rudy.

Horace then kills Gillman like a boss.

Now Phoebe is reading the incantation and Dracula appears. Dracula is all kinds of scary. He ganks even more cops and hammers SGG.

Dracula lifts Phoebe up into the air and hisses at her. I read that this was the first time she saw this and she freaked in real life.

Luckily, Frankenstein shows up and kicks Dracula’s ass. Go Frank!!

Let me point out that the mom was kept from going to help her daughter.

They finish the incantation and throw the amulet to blow limbo.

Everything starts to get sucked in. Jeeps. Bushes. Not a kid hiding behind a bench, but whatever.

Dracula tried to drag Sean into Limbo, but three things happen. Sean stakes Dracula. Helsing grabs Dracula. His buddies grab Sean.

But no one is there to save Frankenstein!!

Except Phoebe, but he is pulled out of her grasp as she begs for him not to leave and I’m not crying. You’re crying!!!!!

If only he had held on for a few more seconds.

Afterward Phoebe goes to her mom and demands therapy.

And, finally, the military arrives. Way to be late to kill monsters based off the letter written in crayon by a seven year old. Uh. Man. No wonder our defense budget is so fucked.

The general guy asks someone to tell him what’s going on. Sean says he can. When asked who they are, Sean drops the sweet ass line “We’re the Monster Squad.”

They celebrate as a kick ass song plays that goes over the plot. Uh. On the nose song.

So that was Monster Squad and it’s fucking awesome!!!

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