Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

We all, sometimes, have bad dreams. However, @Soundsaboutleft and I ran into a situation where our dreams COULD KILL US.

DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Yeah. Some creepo was lurking in our dreams whispering things like "I want to see your feet" and "Pour hot wax on me."

So a Nightmare on Elm Street stars one of the greatest horror actors of all time (@RobertBEnglund). Robert Englund made this character iconic. A being of evil that had a weird, disturbing sense of humor that worked.

Freddy is cool (if you ignore all the child murder shit)

It also has the talented Heather Langenkamp as Nancy, Freddy's greatest nemesis...foe...what have you.

It also has a very young Johnny Depp before he hung out with Hunter S Thompson too much and talked like a drunk pirate.

And, of course, it was created by one of horror's greatest writer/directors: Wes Craven (RIP).

I love this movie. It's well done (especially on its limited budget) and creates a disturbing being who can get you where you can't escape him: your dreams.

I will still jab it in the eye with a stick with my schtick because that's what I do.

Let me go get some coffee so I don't pass the fuck out again and have to deal with Freddy trying to finger blast my bhole with his blade fingers.

It starts out with a logo trying to give me a seizure before it cuts to cool music and some weirdo getting ready for a DIY YouTube series on medieval weapons you can make from household items.

He then cuts through a leather drum?

And we see a girl running through some nasty ass tunnels. She’s definitely going to get Diptera.

This is Tina and she’s being stalked by the burntbeard, Freddy.

So legit. This was filmed in the old Lincoln prison and they have to be sucking down asbestos and hantavirus.

Tina tries to get away from her stalker, but her phone’s gps and her live-streaming gives her location away.

We then see her go to some furnace thing and the silence of the lamps goes in reverse.

Just as Freddy lunges at her, she wakes up from her hick mom asking how she is.

Tina’s mom points out her nightgown was shredded. Before Tina can go “Holy fuck. Things from my dream happen in real life,” Tina’s mom’s creepy boyfriend comes in to be disgusting.

Then Tina’s mom tells her to cut her nails. Uh. Whose fingernails can shred clothing?

Tina then grabs her cruc…cruc…her Jesus Hanger and holds it tight.

We then get the creepy kids singing 1 2 Freddy’s coming for you. Man. Freddy has a very illegal fanclub.

This movie does dream/reality blurring perfectly.

Tina is telling her friends about her dream.

Her friend Nancy is like “Hey. I had a bad dream, too.”

This isn’t about you, Nancy!

We also find out Tina’s boyfriend (Rod) is a total dick she is wayyy too good for.

Then Johnny is like “Dreams are dreams. Just tell yourself they aren’t real while trapped in said dream. Also. I’m going to drop acid with Hunter S Thompson.”

Tina then thinks she can predict earthquakes.

The only thing you can predict is that Rod is a dbag.

We then cut to Tina and friends having a get together minus Rod.

Johnny then does a Haunted House mixtape to fool his naive mother.

Nancy and Tina then talk about their dreams and it’s the same guy. “He starred in the show V and was one of the best actors in it.”

Oh. That and he is like nails on a chalkboard.

There’s a noise. Tina wants Johnny to go investigate. Johnny isn’t so sexist to think only the guy should die first when something spooky is going on.

Well. First he pretends to go look for a cat, but he is smart enough to Ahhhh Rod!

Rod is the worst.

Oh. And Rod is unstable and violent. Gee. I wonder why the police suspect him instantly.

Rod takes advantage of Tina’s lack of self esteem and has her go upstairs with him while Nancy and Johnny stay.

Freddy cockblocks Johnny by Nancy saying she’s there for Tina and what???

80s teens made no sense.

We then see Johnny and Nancy being forced to listen to Rod and Tina bang. It’s as nasty to hear as you think.

We also find out that Tina only likes Rod for his rod. Makes sense.

That night the Jesus Hanger is held by Nancy as she sleeps.

We cut to the music swelling as the sandman comes in to snatch Tina away to never never land.

Tina “wakes up” to a noise. She, like any idiot, goes to investigate it. Fuck that. There could be a god damn rock concert outside my place and I wouldn’t go outside.

Shit. Short of a fire? I ain’t going out. Especially when someone calls my name. I’d be like “Nice try, fucko. I’m going to stay inside and watch YouTube and eat food I instantly regret.”

When then see an incredible use of practical effects to show Freddy in the wall. The remake would use CGI and it looks like my toilet bowl after Taco Tuesday.

Tina goes outside because people back in the day wanted to die. I can’t explain why else we always picked up our phones and opened our doors when people knocked.

Tina goes to some alley after following a voice. We see a trash can kid roll up as Freddy walks up ready to give her a biggggg huggggg!!

They have a theological discussion and Freddy thinks his hand is god’s gift to women or some shit.

Freddy then gives chase, but he can teleport. You see she is in a dream and dream rules apply. Like the fact Freddy can try to impress her with body modification.

Rod wakes up to Tina sliding along the wall and ceiling. Holy crap the practical effects in this are amazing.

Tina gets ripped from taint to tiara.

Rod is freaking out. We know this is an old movie because now Rod would be filming this and going “LOL girlfriend flying around room and then she split on me.”

Nancy goes in to see her friend got got.

We cut to the police chatting about Tina getting got and Rod doing it. Turns out the sheriff is Nancy’s dad. He’s pissed Nancy was there.

Then they try to find out what happened. Nancy is like “Yeah. They fought some, but Tina had a bad dream. About a guy you parents murdered and covered up.”

The next day and we hear the tv giving us exposition that Rod is on the loose.

Nancy is going to school, but her mom is like “You didn’t sleep. How dare you not let the guy we murdered get ahold of you?”

Nancy goes to school anyway.

On her way to school, she sees some weird dude stalking her. Uh. Did people back when not care that people followed them?

Nancy is then pulled into the bushes by Rod. He pleads innocence. Then Nancy’s dad comes out with a fuck all big@pew pew to arrest Rod. Rod runs while Nancy blocks. Rod is arrested shoeless and with a knife. Way to seem innocent.

Nancy realizes her dad used her as bait. Then he yells at her for going to school. 80s parenting, folks.

Nancy storms off as her dad yells.

We then cut to class and the teacher is that landlord lady in Kingpin

She’s talking about Shakespeare. She has a student read it and he goes from bland to creepy as Nancy goes from awake to sleepy sleep.

Nancy then hallucinates Tina in a body bag in the hallway. Then a blood pool. Nancy gets up to follow. She yells “Clean up your blood trail you dead bitch!”

Hahaha. Holy hell is that scene great. Tina in a body bag being lifted by an invisible force and being dragged. God. Such a great movie.

Nancy runs into some hall monitor nerd who is Freddy in disguise. Nancy goes into the creepy boiler room because that’s the smart thing to do.

Nancy continues to go “I hope I don’t get brutally murdered by a dream demon with a revenge fetish.”

Man. Whoever the janitor at the school is, they suck shit at keeping the downstairs clean.

We see and hear Freddy doing heavy breathing. Gee. Why do people not want to hang with you? You breathe heavily and cut into your flesh to show maggots. Freddy is the kid who would eat a dog turd for attention.

Nancy runs a bit, but Freddy follows behind asking to buy her bath water.

Nancy screams that he’s a loser and burns her arm on the radiator. She wakes up in class screaming. I mean she did lose her friend. The teacher understands.

Man. Freddy is such a loser that girls would rather burn themselves than talk to him.

Freddy went into his boiler room and wrote “Nice guys finish last!”

Nancy notices the burn on her arm.

We cut to the local jail where Nancy is allowed to talk to and stand beside a murder suspect.

Rod is like “It wasn’t me. It was the one-armed man!!”

Rod then talks about his dream with Freddy. “There was this creepy guy. He kept crying and saying that he just wanted to hang out.”

Nancy believes him so much she leaves to go take a bath.

Ahhh!

Nancy’s mom wakes her to offer her rancid milk. Nancy falls back asleep so she can get pulled under into a black pool of MRA energy.

Nancy is drowning when her mom jimmies the door. Nancy towels up before mom can see her bits.

Nancy pretends like her god damn nightmares that’d boil your soul aren’t a big deal. Wtf.

People. If you have vivid dreams of a dream demon who can make you feel physical pain IRL, tell someone. Don’t just take wake up pills.

What happens next is weird. Wes Craven looks into the future and rips off Scream by having Johnny scare her as he climbs into the window.

Johnny then makes fun of Nancy for freaking stuff school. “LOL. Your best friend was butchered in the room beside you and you had an emotional response.”

They then talk about dreams, but no hopes.

Nancy asks Johnny to watch her as she sleeps and wake her if she seems in trouble.

Nancy passes out and goes looking for Freddy. She could have gotten his attention by just saying “Women deserve equal rights.”

Nancy then asks if Johnny is watching her as she’s outside and oh man. Johnny shouldn’t be there.

Nancy wanders about as I wonder if I always spell it wander when I mean wander or wonder because I’m an idiot. No wonder people wander away from my reviews.

Nancy is now outside the jail and watching Rod. Nancy calls for Johnny as Freddy comes to conjugal visit.

Meanwhile Tina appears looking like stank ass.

Nancy screams for Johnny, but only Freddy appears.

What I love about this movie is you’re never sure what is a dream. Also. Dream rules of location and how you run apply.

Nancy runs up oatmeal steps and into her room. There Freddy attacks her and says “Handmaid’s Tale is the ideal world!”

Then they pillow fight until Nancy’s alarm goes off. Johnny had fallen asleep like a dick.

Nancy is angry at Johnny. Johnny Johnny angry Johnny

Nancy’s mom comes in all hammered “I hope you’re not being stalked by this creep we murdered!”

Nancy goes to prison to see Rod. Meanwhile Freddy is pulling an Epstein.

Nancy demands to see the Rod. Freddy, it could be said, knows the saying. Spare a Rod, spoil the child.

They go in and see Rod epsteined.

We cut to a funeral and, man, kids are dropping like flies there.

Holy shit. The priest talks madddrd shit about Rod.

Then we cut to Nancy’s drunk mom going “Let’s drink and drive and don’t think about the guy we murdered.”

Nancy then describes Freddy to her parents.

Nancy’s mom decides to take her to a sleep institution thing to get one of those cpap or whatever things. The ones that make you look like an otter.

It just be a dream because Roger Rabbit is running the sleep study.

No. Seriously. That’s River Rabbit.

Roger. Eat my bhole, autocorrect.

As Nancy enters REM cycle, we faintly hear “That’s me in the corner. That’s me…”

The rest is talked over by the talk of sleeping. Man. I’m yawning.

Holy shit! I just had an awful dream that I was a middle aged asshole stuck at home due to a global pandemic and continued on by negligent assholes who don’t understand science.

Wait. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Oh. And Nancy had a bad dream. The docs try to give her sleep sleep juice, but she fights them off.

They also notice that her arm is sliced and she pulls out a hat.

So is that canon in all dreams he goes to? Like is Freddy bald when he goes down the street to stalk little Timmy? Hahaha. Bald nerd Freddy.

Nancy comes downstairs to hear her mom going “Remember that guy we murdered?”

Then Nancy comes in to slam back coffee to her mother’s disapproval.

Nancy then pulls out the hat and is like “Who is this Fred ‘Women Scare Me’ Krueger??!!”

Nancy then calls her mom out on her drinking, when she gets five across the eye.

Then her mom tells her it’s all a dream and nothing can hurt ya. Because they ganked him.

We cut to Venice. The town here in LA.

Anyway. Johnny and Nancy talk about dreams and s…

*falls asleep*

Oh, god. I feel asleep and had a horrible dream I was an unread asshole whose dream of being a writer died with the closing of his twenties and I was stuck posting unfunny reviews for a handful of people to…

*looks around*

We find out some people believe if you turn your back on a nightmare, it loses its power.

Oh. And Nancy has a certain book 90s kids downloaded to be edgy and what Kevin from Home Alone used.

Nancy gets home and her mom has barred the house up. In a day? I’m impressed you got someone out so fast. Oh. And her drunken mom tells her to go into the cellar.

Her mom goes to the furnace and takes out an old glove. It belonged to Fred Krueger who was a child killer. Killer. Nothing more. Because he’s evil, but not that evil.

Oh. And you find out Freddy got off on a technicality and the parents hunted him down and brought justice.

Nancy knows now why he’s coming for her. Revenge for the parents revenge upon him. I guess. Freddy is a dick.

Nancy calls Johnny. He lives across the street and they do an American Beauty.

We also find out that Nancy hasn’t slept in 7 days. Ah shit.

Nancy tells Johnny she’s going to bring Freddy into the real world with his help.

Nancy warns Johnny not to fall asleep. Man. I would not survive in that universe. Sure. The first couple days I’d be…

*falls asleep*

Oh god. I had a horrible dream that I was spiraling into absurdity as the world moved on without me.

Ah, shit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck

Meanwhile, Johnny can’t even go five minutes without sleeping.

Oh, and Nancy’s lush of a mother is like “Go to sleep and I’m taking my god damn coffee pot back!”

Nancy pulls out a fresh coffee machine from below the bed. Bed coffee that’s single sourced??? Sign me up.

We then see Johnny’s dad staring at an underaged girl who dates his son. Oof.

Oh. He’s just pissy she’s dating his son.

Nancy then gets ready to grab Fred by his taint and pull him into reality.

Nancy opens her door and watches her mom power drink vodka.

Nancy calls Johnny, but he fell asleep. His mom answers the phone, but the dad is like “Hung up on that slag!!”

The dad takes the phone off the hook and she has no way to get to Johnny.

Nancy picks up her phone and it’s Freddy “Hey. Can you dm me 80085??”

Freddy taunts her some more and reality and dreams blur like crazy because she has talent in seven days.

Meanwhile, Johnny is passed out on his bed when he gets pulled inside the bed.

The bed goes all Evil Dead with the blood from the bed.

Johnny’s mom walks in on a bedroom filled with enough blood to make Dexter pass out. Maybe a tad suspicious, Fred.

Seriously. How are the police going to write this off? Johnny threw himself into a disappearing wood chipper??

Nancy’s dad appears and waves at Nancy “Hey. Your boyfriend was puréed. How are you?”

He goes into the house and they’re using trash containers to catch all the blood.

Nancy calls Johnny’s and her dad picks up. She’s like “I gotta pull this asshole from my dream in 20 minutes. It’s Fred “Face Fucked” Krueger!!”

He agrees to come over

Nancy then Home Alones her place. Good thing your drunk mother is passed out else she’d be taking a sledgehammer to the chest.

I can barely follow a recipe for risotto. No way I could set up those death traps.

The dad goes up and is just confused by all the blood.

Meanwhile Nancy’s drunk mother is swearing about dreams and Freddy and Right Said Fred and Cat Walks and shit. Then passes out while screaming about squirrels

Nancy then goes to sl…

Oh god. I had a horrible dream that I hadn’t gone anywhere in over 18 months and that I found solace in writing shitty reviews for two people who were plotting my downfall.

Nancy wonders into the basement and *falls asleep*

Oh god. I dreamed that the next generation is getting to do what I wanted to do with spending their days making dumb sketches and streaming video games while making jokes. Something I did in college for myself and a handful of friends.

Nancy hears voices as she goes into the boiler room Freddy got got at.

Nancy then calls for Freddy. “You have a small penis and no girl would ever date a loser like you.”

We hear Freddy crying

Freddy finally appears and Nancy jumps@from the boiler room to her front yard and I love this dream logic.

The timer is about to go off when Freddy appears. Nancy gives him a big hug and wakes up.

It was all a dream!!!

Wait. No. Freddy is there in the room. Her was jerking off under the bed.

Nancy then leads him thru her house as she calls for help. Deputy Dipshit is like “Nothing to see here” and doesn’t tell her dad.

Meanwhile, Freddy finally gets out of the room and takes a hammer to the dick. He then falls off the second floor onto the ground. Freddy triggers various tit traps.

It’s a game cuck and mouse as Nancy lights his ass on fire!! Like mother like daughter.

This is such a great fire stunt. One that finally gets her dad to come@over and check out her blood curdling screams. Nancy is locked in by her drunk mother.

Man. If this had been a real fire, that security system would have doomed her.

The dad and his buddies get in and Nancy realizes Freddy is@going after her mother. They break into her room and Freddy is really firing her up.

Nancy hits him with a chair as her dad uses a blanket to put out the fire. When he pulls it back a skeleton goes into the bed and…what??

The dad seems okay with this like. He isn’t shitting himself like I would be. They hug.

She tells her dad to go downstairs because she had to emasculate Freddy.

Freddy rises from the bed and god that effect is cool.

Nancy keeps her back on him and pulls a Labyrinth. “You have no power over me!!”

Nancy demands all her family and calls Freddy a loser. She then says he’s got no balls and he disappears.

Nancy walks thru the door and into a bright day. Her mom is happy and going to go sober.

We get this weird dream situation where she goes to get into the car with all of her friends who are now alive. The Freddy top covers the car and it drives off as Nancy’s mom’s Barbie doll is pulled thru the door and into the doll house.

Well. After those annoying kids singing are on her neighbor’s lawn. The neighbor comes out and sprays the kids while screaming “Fuck off, dream demon fan club!!”

Well. That was Nightmare on Elm Street and it’s a blast. There’s a reason why Freddy is in the Horror Pantheon of greats.

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