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People read my work and while laughing they make comments like “Steve you’re crazy. I swear you don mad”

And I’ve thought about it.

Can I really be mad?

Do I have what it takes to be a good mad man? I think not.

Here’s a few reasons why.

Brethren,
Issa thread
In the next few tweets I shall present 4 reasons why just Incase via your comments, (jokingly as they may be) village people decide to step it up a notch, having purchased new mirrors, in a bid to make me mad, it would never succeed. I lack certain qualities required to be mad.
1. I CAN’T RUN

We all know that if there was to be a university of madness, one of their requirements for admission won’t be an A in maths and English. No fam it won’t.

It’ll be can you run? Why you ask?

Mad man they cannot Pursue people is that one mad man?
Read 49 tweets
Can a man rob God!!? Na the last thing wen comot for pastor mouth before we hear person wen shout “Everybody lie down flat” and gun wen dem cock “KpraKpa!”

Nothing wen no dey happen for Ajegunle. Na why men fit get mind rob church on wash night day.

Brethren,
Na thread o!
Dem say na wen you don cross river finish you fit tell crocodile say him mouth dey smell.

Na why as the men dem wen carry gun wen no be childs dey rise like Ijebu garri from many corner of d church, all man don lie down flat wan even enter ground like seed wen dem wan plant
Pastor-Yemi-wen-dey-drink-big-stout no even wait make d men shout the lie down flat finish, baba don enter ground wan bury himself alive.

Haba! Pastor!

But I no blame am. Las las na so AJ be. When kasala burst, all man dey answer him papa name.

Even jaguda dey get Oga.
Read 45 tweets
“Smell am!” He screamed, pressing the cold metal on my nose.

“Wetin be dis?”

“Na gun” I said, as boiling point urine dropped on my boxers.

Guns are sexy in movies when with it, the actor kills 95 bad guys. Not as much in real life, pointed at you.

Brethren
Issa thread
Brethren, I live my life I no like trouble.

Yet somehow, even in the most innocuous situations, these village Chinwetalu Agu et al manage to sneak wahala into everything.

I had enjoyed four blissful months with Pamela. A very adventurous young lady, fun and crazy to be with.
We met at the birthday Dinner of someone hanging somewhere on Progress’s family tree.

He said the celebrant was his Aunty’s brother’s friend’s cousin....

I zoned out after cousin like “Baba abi food go dey? Let’s go. Happy birthday to your grandSister.

Wetin concern me?”
Read 48 tweets
What should have been an uneventful day at church, took a turn, when the pastor shouted, “Any occultic power here, I command you!Lose your hold!” and the girl beside me, my girl,fell,and started jerking violently.

Eh? What’s going on?!

Brethren
Issa thread
#TalesbytweetLight
They say hindsight is 20/20. There are things that happen and give new meaning to seemingly insignificant occurrences in the past

Watching Bella or The9thprincess as was her name on SM, jerking on the floor, I wondered could it be? I Don carry winsh? Stevokingofthecoast?
I remember perfectly the day I met her and what had happened. My mum had called with a vision.

African mothers are like Martin Luther king; they always have a dream.

Dreams that are timed perfectly to coincide with when you’re about to do something not so bad like fornication
Read 41 tweets
Lagos is a crazy place to live. It teaches you things whether you want to learn or not. You don’t even realize, till you see your reaction in certain situations

A town rife with different kinds of people and packaging, a town we “hate” but can’t leave

Brethren
Issa thread
Brethren with how long I’ve spent living in this town, till date, I cannot stop myself from reacting the way I do whenever a stranger stops me on the road like

“psst! Bros! Excuse me. Im looking for so and so street....”

Eh? You say
First of all, I adjust, take in the strangers face, examine it mentally in my ritualist-o-meter to see in what range they fall. if they score low and my milk of kindness is flowing that day I point them in the right direction, one hand stylishly on my you know you know you know
Read 31 tweets
“...No wahala. Just Dey come” Progress said.

“I’ll be there tomorrow” I replied and ended the call.

But it was Progress. I should have known by now that somehow our combo would bring trouble.

And it did.

We got into trouble with a juju man.

Brethren
Issa thread
I had always argued about juju and all these changing into animal something.

Growing up, there was a superstition that a particular black cat always meowing on the roof at night, was baba white from the next compound.

And I had my reservations
Why always cat, dog, snake or as I once saw in a movie, after wailing, swaying from left to right, shivering and making funny faces in a bid to conjure up his animal power, a baba changed to tortoise.

All that effort for that? Why not lion or tiger forgossakes
Read 66 tweets
You know what’s beautiful about the first time you fall in love? The complete innocence of it all. The rush of emotions, the happiness, the seeing their face in your eba when you eat.

The first time is always wonderful, and this is a story about mine.

Brethren,
Issa thread
As if being in love wasn’t enough, the object of my affection was named “Ifunanya” kee me

Till date, as is the case with love, i can’t explain exactly what about her roped me in.

I can remember how whenever the bell for break rang, immense joy filled me Cos oh here she comes
Everything felt special with her. A hug wasn’t a hug, it came with electricity that zapped my entire being with excitement, leaving me with warmth.

A smile wasn’t a smile. Babe had my full Mumu remote containing several buttons with which did inexplicable things to me
Read 59 tweets
Stirring up from sleep,I realized I was in an unfamiliar bed. When the webs of sleep cleared from my eyes and I saw where i was, I knew I had messed up.

If there’s one rule you shouldn’t break this was it.

Cut-off time 4 girls hostel was 9pm.

It was 9:42

Brethren
Issa thread
My school had five hostels, containing about 300rooms, spread across three floors. Hall A and B for boys, Hall C and D for ladies, and one small PG-hostel.

They were all built like a square with an open center. Boys could visit girls and vice Versa
Visitation time for weekdays was 4pm to 9pm and weekends from 12pm-9pm.

Then the most important question. What happens if you’re caught over the allowed time in the hostel.

For babes you get a slap on the wrist but for Guys, just start designing burial poster cos issalova
Read 50 tweets
This be a story of the first time I entered a plane.After years of rivaling Israelites of old in the fine art that trekking is, and being a brand ambassador for all forms of road transport, I finally hit the skies.And of course it wasn’t without event.

Brethren
Issa thread
I can understand why sometimes when doing something for the first time most of us instead of asking questions, prefer to wing it. Because sometimes you ask people questions and instead of saying they don’t know, they’ll form and tell you rubbish or make you feel stupid.
You’ll see one well dressed brother, wearing a 26.7 button suit,looking like perhaps he has sense, then you’ll ask him “brethren please where is abu street” instead of saying I don’t know, he’ll direct you to the first turn on your left only for you to see welcome to hell fire
Read 46 tweets
There’s always that one baba in your Neigbourhood who lives alone, is scary as hell and rumored to be the jagaban of wizards. The one you think of while praying “witches fall and die” at night.

As kids, inspired by our village people, we ate his chicken

Brethren
Issa thread
Baba white was a feared old man. Always dressed in a red or black Jalamia, his head skinned, his eyes red and deep set.

if while playing football our ball entered his compound, brethren it was Goodbye. Because are you a fool? You want to collect it?
As we thought, Ball that he would have changed to your destiny you want to now be playing it up and down? What if you play your destiny and enter bush and cannot find it again?What if during monkey post you play it to chuku chuku and it bursts. No! Best option is a new ball Abeg
Read 45 tweets
Where you ever in that class where no day goes by without y'all receiving mass flogging? Like if at the end of a day, the class doesn't get flogged, you have to take a cane and flog yourself because your day is incomplete.

That was SS3d for me.

Brethren,
Issa thread
The entire school was tired of us.Our list of misdemanour could fill an 80 leaves 'black book' and there would still be more to write.From organising Garri carnival in class to 2 doing BF and GF(a big crime then) to giving Abdul urine disguised as la casera cos he was a snitch
Cane? You go flog tire na.We had developed thick skin to even the worst of punishments.In our 300 Sparta voice we where screaming at the school as they came up with new ways to punish us "is there no one else?"

Ladies and gentlemen I regret to inform you, someone else came.
Read 34 tweets
Sometimes when village people want to destroy you, they don't come at night,  pressing your neck with background music playing 'ekukuleku kuleku' 

No!

They come as friends.Friends named (enemy of) Progress.And they come the day you receive your first salary.

Issa Thread.
Fresh after school, I was working a 60k job.60k 2 d company but for me, it was 60 thousand million naira.For someone whose account had seen that kind of amount only when people send me their school fees to pay, when that first alert entered, Eureka! Brethren i was rich at last.
My walking step changed.I tried hard yet my shoulder attained lofty heights.There was inexplicable joy in my heart and it flowed like a river.I even noticed to my greatest surprise that when I laughed, it came out in a rich dangote-ish deep bass hohoho not kakaka like poor people
Read 24 tweets

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