Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

People read my work and while laughing they make comments like “Steve you’re crazy. I swear you don mad”

And I’ve thought about it.

Can I really be mad?

Do I have what it takes to be a good mad man? I think not.

Here’s a few reasons why.

Brethren,
Issa thread

In the next few tweets I shall present 4 reasons why just Incase via your comments, (jokingly as they may be) village people decide to step it up a notch, having purchased new mirrors, in a bid to make me mad, it would never succeed. I lack certain qualities required to be mad.

1. I CAN’T RUN

We all know that if there was to be a university of madness, one of their requirements for admission won’t be an A in maths and English. No fam it won’t.

It’ll be can you run? Why you ask?

Mad man they cannot Pursue people is that one mad man?

Haven’t you seen mad people pursue someone before?

Bruh! Those guys got speed bro!

I have always been of the opinion that if we could somehow sneak a mad man into Team Nigeria, and take him to the Olympics, then who is Usain bolt abi thunder?

We are most definitely coming back with that gold medal.

The Only problem I envisage will be His celebration after Winning. While others run and stop, dude will probably run into the audience and give them celebratory bites.

I gave up all hopes of being good at running when in secondary school; I disappointed the Love of my Life.

Ordinary Practice run for Inter-House Sports, madam went to go and gather all her friend to watch me.

Like y’all come watch Usain the love of my life

Who send you Aunty

The practice was to take place at FHA field in Festac.

it's not even her I blame. It’s the yeye PHE teacher, Mr. Kunle Amudara. (If you’re not igbo you definitely want to know the meaning of this, as it was a source of eternal laughter for us)

Probably after drinking too much peak milk, he felt it was in all of us to become great athletes.

If only, he would have realized I was no PAPILO and didn’t have any plans to make anybody proud.

On your Marks, he bellowed, and I looked over to the side.

The boo dey there they give me eye like show them baby.

Show them!!! My Stevusain!!! Give it to them.

Give what?! Give what Aunty?

SET!!!

I heard Mr. Amudara scream with all his might. In my mind, I was like my friend don’t shout at me please.

Go!!!

Off we went.

Wait! Who am I deceiving?

Off they went, because as he said go, the spirit of Last descended on me

I felt it deeply.

In my soul, in my spirit and in my inner man, as in the day of Pentecost, it came upon me.

Lord knows I tried. I put in my best effort. I stretched my leg, swung my hands, but the distance between me and the others widened

If I had a spirit animal, it would be a snail. The field wasn’t really the best and as I lagged behind, I was treated to a feast of dust.

I don’t know who put the thought in my head to look at my girlfriend and draw inspiration.

I was hoping it would inspire me, help me pick up my speed, “gap” the others, carry first, then go and kiss her as I whisper into her ears that from her love I drew strength, as they are wont to do in movies.

It was a Bad choice.

Bad what?

Bad Choice my good people.

I lost my footing and tumbled like a stuntman that Jet Li just kicked.

See dust everywhere looking like the cloud you pass through when you want to enter heaven.

Disoriented as I was, when I opened my eyes I saw a face amidst the cloud of dust.

Azzin wait fess, I have died?

What a shameless way to die.

When the dust cleared up, it was my girlfriend and her friends. They had run to me, and were dusting me up.

Kuku kill me.

She tried her best to pretend it was OK, that love conquers all, but I knew it. I knew I had embarrassed her existence

The yeye Mr. Amudara even came to tell me

"steve you did your best ehn" - na your papa best go be this I said in my mind

"you'll try again later ok ?" - Make the thunder of Later fire you dia yeye man

Bombastic element.

This happened when I was way younger talk more of now.

So tell me who will take me serious if as a mad man I cannot pursue and catch people.

If when the time to run pass terry G cos i have run mad comes, then I’ll be the one falling down instead of the person i am pursuing.

Reason 2: FOOD

I have carefully studied the psychology of mad men. What makes them tick? What makes them what they are? How did they get here? I have tried to fathom their outlook and general approach to things, and I have discovered NOTHING.

You people are funny. So you think I go around and study mad men abi? Anyways my second point is the food they eat. Can you select food as a mad man? Cos I select food a lot

I don’t eat red meat except it is in egusi or ogbono soup. I won’t eat chicken or turkey except its fried.

I used to detest eating salad, until one time in school.

The son of man had not eaten for almost two days. I was beginning to see my dead ancestors.

I go dey waka for road, I go dey hear voice dey call me “Stephen, Stephen”, only for me to turn around to complete emptiness like I was experiencing in my stomach.

To make things worse, I was always entering people’s rooms when they had just finished eating

In my sleep, hunger was pressing my neck like an evil spirit making me wake up screaming “Jesus Jesus”.

Eventually, the lord hearkened to my cry and led me to Sister Nneoma’s room.

As I entered, there she was eating just salads. He who never fails, my rock and my salvation, the I am that I am, the lord my provider, made her ask me the magic question

“steve care to join me?

Me who didn’t like salad, in my mind I was like

Care ke? My dear, I have never cared for anything in my life like this before. I care for the food.I care about the world. Caring is one of my biggest problems.Just bring anything for me and before you know it, I start caring. Without spoon, I’ll care with my hand for this food.

Hunger does things to you. Salad which I detested, that day tasted like the biblical bread of life, which after eating, you hunger no more. I ate Nneoma’s salad like I lacked home training.

I didn’t give a "fork"

She had a look in her eyes, which reminded me of something Onos my good friend usually said whenever you were taking advantage of him.

“Lean on me, no mean say u go press me die”

So my point here is that if Good mad men should be able to eat any and everything.

if I was one, Na hunger go kill me last last. Amean

3. The D

That wasn’t a typo.

Brethren!!!! Brethren!!!! Have you seen the size of gadgets on those mad men?

Their Samsung s9 edge Curved?

Blood of Lai Mohammed.

No! I don’t go around looking at mad men’s whatever. But if you quit being a prude for a moment, you’ll realize that what I am saying is true.

If you do a census (not physically oh you pervs) you’ll realize that there is hardly any mad man running naked that isn’t endowed

I know that because I am saying this, some of you will start saying “hei so you’re small”

wee you sherrup your mouth.

I don’t have Pestle, shakabula, 12 inches or my further math teacher’s cane (that shit was fat and long as fuck. And the mad man could lash ontop.

Wait that did not sound right. Ignore this please. I veered off a tangent).

Neither am I endowed with index finger, toothpick or as I have heard some a girl say to her friend about a guy,

“e just dey like pikin wen dem born today thing”

in sega mega mortal kombat, this is back back back forward back x…..fatality!!!).

I can hear you in the congregation saying, but Uncle Stephen why are you defending yourself and explaining. Honestly, I am only doing so because of my political ambitions. I intend to be governor of my state one day and it is things like this that kills people’s political careers

When it’s time to contest now someone will go and print big poster with

How can a SMALL man…. Make Imo bigger and better?

Or

They recruit Pete Edochie to say

Our people say when you want to eat a frog? Eat a BIG frog.

Uncle Stephen is a tadpole.

IMO people do you want tadpole?

And there and then, poof! My political career goes up in flames.

Because even I myself, don’t want tadpole for ndi Imo.

Emem somebody? Amem!

So yes! That’s another reason I cannot be a mad man. I am ok but I can’t really measure up to some of the never ending utensils I see on these mad man.

I said it! I’m a practical and straightforward guy

4: BEARDLESS GANG

This for me is the one that hits close to home. What serious mad man out there is not in beard gang?

I mean, mad men don’t enter barbing salon to carve their beards, or buy hair now now or joor beard cream. It just grows.

Who will take a baby faced or stubble sporting mad man serious?

It’s that rough full beards and spiky bushy hair, that prevents market women from chasing them, when they steal bread and run away.

I need no one to tell me that they will chase me to the ends of the earth, if I try stealing bread with this my stubble

It’s not like I haven’t tried. What haven’t I rubbed? Methylated spirit, Early morning urine (don’t blame me somebody said it works and I was desperate) I have tried everything, but these beards have refused to grow.

I even remember one barber that wanted to allow the devil use him. Beer beer when I don dey train for almost 5 months and was looking like it was about to defy the odds, man was carrying clipper close to it.

It goes without saying, that I put my hand in my pocket, brought out my palm frond, cowries and chalk. I drew circles on the ground with the chalk drew lines on my face, threw the cowries into the circle i had drawn on the ground, put the palm frond on my ear ready to curse him

Please ehn, I appeal to you guys. I beg of you in the name of the lord. If you know how to help me in this aspect, please leave a comment abeg. I need my beards to connect. Not because I want to be a good mad man. I just want to tension women. That’s all. Help please.

I hope from these few points of mine, you can see that I cannot run mad. So for those of you who read and comment “guy u mad” or "steve! You’re so crazy”, or those other comments that incline towards madness, that your village people make you type, you can see it will never work.

Because If somehow against all odds, I manage to grow beards, become able to run fast, stop selecting food and have a very big D, my biggest consolation that I won’t run mad is this.

If amidst the hardship, unemployment, bad health care, wicked politicians, amongst other things in this country, I and even you, have not run mad, then i May never be able to run mad

Like they say in game of thrones, what’s dead may never die

Selah

Thanks for joining today’s episode of #talesbytweetlight see you again soon. Check the next tweet to read more hilarious stories. RT and comment

With love
(Not crazy) Uncle Stephen

Want more threads? Read here

https://twitter.com/itsunclestephen/status/947807141758369793?s=21