Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

Can a man rob God!!? Na the last thing wen comot for pastor mouth before we hear person wen shout “Everybody lie down flat” and gun wen dem cock “KpraKpa!”

Nothing wen no dey happen for Ajegunle. Na why men fit get mind rob church on wash night day.

Brethren,
Na thread o!

Dem say na wen you don cross river finish you fit tell crocodile say him mouth dey smell.

Na why as the men dem wen carry gun wen no be childs dey rise like Ijebu garri from many corner of d church, all man don lie down flat wan even enter ground like seed wen dem wan plant

Pastor-Yemi-wen-dey-drink-big-stout no even wait make d men shout the lie down flat finish, baba don enter ground wan bury himself alive.

Haba! Pastor!

But I no blame am. Las las na so AJ be. When kasala burst, all man dey answer him papa name.

Even jaguda dey get Oga.

As the men dem dey waka round to make sure say anybody wen do anyhow go see anyhow, all of us dey do silent competition of who go lie down flat pass.

Even Papa Jamiu wen get kitchenbelle cos to call am pot no go describe am reach, lie down dey suck belle, wan come flat pass me

Him pikin papa!

Me sef suck my own inside sotay e flat pass Hausa mat. No be me dem go shoot because I no lie down flat reach.

Everybody been dey respect their self dey do as the men dem talk but Una know as e dey be. For every 12, one person must be Judas iscariot.

Deacon Etim stand up, wan form Jagaban. Dey speak many English as e dey always do for testimony time.

“This is wrong. This is preposterous and unjust. Have you no shame? How can you rob in the house of God. On the eve of Christmas, how?”

All man Look am like:

As e dey vibrate like nokia 3310, na him one of the thief, the one wen small pass inside all of them, near am, tell am say “Baba, kiss ground!”

Deacon Etim still no gree. E still dey yarn dust, dey talk plenty wen the small thief, sound am better slap.

Towai!!!!

Baba confuse

Na that day we know say forget all the big big English, if deacon Etim pidgin English na rice wen dem put for fire, no be today e done.

Baba halla “Abasi mbok oh!!! But e no rish to tear me this kind slap Na brethren. Na we we oh! Mbok! No be so! Ah! No be so!

Him eye come dey like the tap for our compound wen u no close am well; tears just dey flow drop by drop.

But baba still stand like who paralyze half paralyze, dey cry, wen d thief ring am another slap

Towaiwai!!!

The way baba use dive ground eh.
Micheal Phelps never reach

E no even make sense to try shout make people help us because that night, Kehinde street boys dey do their street Jamz and na DJ cure-my-craze dey play.

Anybody wen know, know say once na DJ CMC dey jam, even if Last trumpet blow, nobody go hear am.

Lai lai!

How e use get the name sef; Cure my crase.

Baba been set bet say him fit smoke 12 jumbo igbo from SunnyFeather.

SunnyFeather weed wen be say only small kiss you go kiss am, you wen don marry go reach house dey ask your wife “is like I know this your face from somewhere”

After e smoke like 5 jumbo, the red wire and green wire for him head come go touch, small spark comot him head, him engine come knock.

Na like after 6 months, one morning e just well. But e no too well complete.

Cos baba fit see you for night still dey shout good morning boss!

Kehinde boys choose DJ CMC Cos after e well, come barber him head half dada half gorimakpa, come start DJ, nobody sound mental reach him own.

And as be say Mosholashi Street boys choose that same 24th to do their own street jamz, dem wan make sure say Na their sound go loud pass

The thief dem no wan hear say bird born 5 pikin and wen dem come Dey count how many die, dem say Na 12.

So dem tell two of the choir people to dey sing praise and worship as dem dey go round dey obtain all men for the church make e be like say normal service still dey on.

Because I know as area dey be, I been no wan leave all my bar for house so I carry am come church.

Na why wen pastor dey shout say make we sow seed wen go provoke God to bless us, I hold my money tight

Him papa!

Why i me go wan provoke God? Ordinary man like me?

Waka!

Money wen I don plan to use pay for hotel wen me and babyrisky go dey 2moro, jolly our Christmas, as we dey use mekwe thunder fire ourselves. Na him dem say make I use provoke who?

But as the men dem fall in, I see say that my plan dey like who wan chop fish lap; impossicant

I no go lie you I see some things wen surprise me that day as I lie down for ground dey peep.

When the men dem near you, dem go tell you to empty your pocket.

Bro Paul wen before dem do 1,2 buckle my shoe for prayers for church, e don speak 5 tongues empty pocket I surprise.

Apart from the two die die hundred hundred Naira wen fall out, I see three packet of durex condom wen fall out too.

Ah! Brother paulosho! Brother paulolala! Brother Paulhoe!

So him sef dey follow mekwe. Dey follow chop monkey hand.

Ah! Baba oh! Oga na master!

I use style style dey find pastor wife, wen dey always like preach about protection, security, jump down from mountain and baba God Go send angels make dem set mouka foam wen u go land ontop.

But omo eh! Be like as dem say lie down flat the woman move.

She no even reason her husband. I don know right from time say the woman na street. For her mind she go don talk say instead two go die make one person dey to wear black, organize burial.

After all if Ashewo marry thief born winsh. Who go dey dey house for night.

Na still that night I understand why sister Agnes dey always calm for church. Shout for her from now till next 12 years madam eye go just small as she calm.

As she empty bag Na so two full kpoli and one wen dem don kiss remain half fall out.

Ah!

I been talk am. I been suspect. All her red eye no be say she no dey sleep for night as she dey battle not against principalities and powers.

All the talk she dey follow herself talk. No be speaking in tongues. She and the weed dey get as Oyibo Dey call am “tete a tete”

Even mama itoro. Wen dey always beg style style begging for church because she be widow, Wen dem untie her wrapper, the money wen fall out eh, reach almost 20k, fit even pass.

Kai! and she beg me money before service say her last card na 200.

Ah! Yahoo woman!

The men dem no rush o, even collect the 3 chicken iya Samuel and family been wan use for thanksgiving.

DJ CMC dey blast “Customer dada ni” for outside as bro Martins lead singer, dey try make e no cry 4 mic as dem dey collect him phone and even him belt say Na original leather

For the mic, e dey sing it is well in the name of Jesus, but anybody wen him spiritual ear dey hear well well no say Na lie.

The real song e dey sing na “Holy Ghost fire! Fire fall on them”

Ah! E pain am die

How this men take miss we no know. One minute dem dey collect phone, the next minute dem dey threaten to “blast any malafuka” wen look up. Next minute, piam! Dem don disappear.

Na wen everybody come begin dey shout area come use know Wetin dey sup since inside church

Dem laugh us sha.

Say abi Na we like god pass. Say if to say we dey street jamz who for come rob us. And no be lie dem talk.

With Long long face like lorry and plenty vex for body, all man dey cry him personal cry, dey count Wetin don loss.

Merry which Christmas?

We hear say the next day Police dem from Ajeronmi police station come church come do investigation, early mo mo.

No be eke dem again?

Na to come dey ask jamb question dem sabi and to catch boys wen dey smoke weed jeje for little heaven if alarm don blow dem.

Mtchewww

Police dem wen be say dem rob bank for boundary/aiyetoro road, dem begin enter all the compound around the bank dey arrest any boy wen get suspicious face.

You carry dada; arrest

You draw tattoo; arrest

Strong face; arrest

Dey use laptop; arrest

Ear ring nko; arrest

Na that time OritseKemi sleep almost 2 weeks for cell. Why?

Baba get strong face, carry dada, draw skull tattoo, open ear, and as dem bust him room dem see am for laptop where e dey mix him new song Na him police shout “ Egbe! Na their ring leader be this.

Life imprisonment!”

Na with almost 50k and plenty Oga Abeg! Na him dem use free am.

So all of us for area no say police no go find anything wen loss for the church but how Pastor-Yemi-wen-dey-drink-big-stout go do na?

Him gast cooperate that morning

At all at all na winsh. As I don loss phone loss money, I no fit loss Babirisky Christmas Lashing.

Something wen I don plan say she go know the difference between egbin and igbin.

Na beg I beg my sister Make she borrow me 10k make I do something important

Mekwe important Abeg

I don first use my sister phone resend Babirisky the address of the hotel wen I go use my thunder fire am like Sango.

My blood dey hot.

The hotel no Dey area at all because Babirisky brothers Na mental. If dem hear say I dey mekwe their sister.

AJ no go fit hide me aswear

Me and her been dey keep our thing low key so na our mekwe na always away match with 2 sure odds so we no go cast for area.

The hotel dey inside Inside Orile and anybody wen u jam for there eh, just shake am tell am say baba! Bad man Na bad man.

Receptionist for the hotel give me the room key. Direct me say Na upstairs.

Before I pay I sha use the receptionist phone call babyrisky to sure say she dey come before you know as devil dey work.

E fit be today wen she and her family no go make am if she try am

But the babe head dey there like banky.

She say make I dey the room, naked dey wait for am.

The electric shock start from my ear, shock my brain, my body, even shock my thing; blade, come shock my mouth sotay wen like flavor n’abania I shout “oyolima!” I no know I swear.

I been dey climb step go my room wen I hear some voice wen I know for one room. Dem dey argue. I been wan pass go but my leg no gree.

Wait! I know this voice. I press my ear for the door wen e Dey come from.

I mad.

Wait a minute!

Deacon Etim

I been no really know the other voice but deacon Etim big English no dey two for market “ you shouldn’t have assaulted me. That wasn’t the plan you nattering nitwits”

Na so e dey halla, dey shout.

I come hear another voice

Pastor Yemi-wen-dey-drink-big-stout voice.

Ah!

Wait! Dem come meeting Abi Wetin? For graziella hotel? Lai Lai. Na only mekwe meeting dey happen for this hotel.

I been wan bone am Make I free I come hear papa-do-something-for-Jesus voice; Church Finsec.

Their papa! I must know Wetin dey happen here today.

I must know

Cos our people say if person after e piss finish, shake prick pass 2 times no be piss wen remain e dey try comot again.

I knock!

As dem ask who be that? I say na room service, say we get problem with their payment.

As door open, Na so I push deacon Etim wen open am fall.

Brethren! See Deacon Etim, Pastor Yemi, the thief dem from yesterday, and all our money and phone as e spread for table.

Check out!

I tell dem say I don tell my babe wetin dey happen so if anything do me, she go expose una. I no wan expose una.

Eye wen see get share

Make una Just reason me something and if I talk anything, make thunder fire my papa brother!

Dem reason am. Reason am. Come count like 80k give me. Plus like two of the phones wen I see for the table.

“Merry Christmas” na so I tell dem as I Dey fall out. After all, na we we

I waka go up, room 204, naked dey said my mother Christmas, babyrisky. As e Dey hot. Na now the Christmas merry.

As I dey touch the 80k, I dey hear baby Jesus cry. Ehen! Na now dem born am for my side.

Thank you!

Una don try as una join me for this week #talesbytweetlight tori wen we do with pidgin english. Make una join us next Friday by 6pm again for another stori to totori your body.

Check likes or the next tweet for more tori

Na love we use run this one,
Uncle Stephen

To read more tori, check here

https://twitter.com/itsunclestephen/status/947807141758369793?s=21