After about 3 hrs of mourning someone I've never met, grieving for someone I probably won't, a TL filled with every opinion on mental health possible, I've finally found some words in no particular order.
To Anthony Bourdain, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the despair, the battle, you couldn't handle anymore. You were loved, respected, and cherished and will continue to be. May your legacy of bringing people together continue.
To @AsiaArgento, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss, your overwhelming pain, and the sorrow you now carry. I pray you have a solid support system to help bear the load.
To his friends, colleagues, and family, my deepest sympathies. His loss is tragic, his void wide and deep. Talk to each other, be there for each other, and consider seeking professional help to process. It's too hard to do alone.
There's a lot of talk all over on mental health, depression, despair, suicide, and grief. They're separate while being interconnected so let's put down the judgement as we weed them out a bit.
Mental health is just as important as physical health. You wouldn't judge a diabetic for needing insulin. Don't judge someone for needing antidepressants or being in therapy. They're doing what they need to survive. Support their efforts.
Depression is not sadness. It is chronic, it has physical effects, and isn't the same for everyone. Some people respond to meds, exercise, therapy, etc. and some don't. The important thing is to keep throwing every resource you've got at it.
I've had depression. I know the black hole of despair. No light enters or escapes. The hopelessness, the incessant voice telling you to succumb already. If you're there now, hang on. More people have been there than you'd think. You're not alone.
Depression requires treatment across the board because it affects everything; your health, work, relationships. This is why funding for mental health is so important. People need access to meds and therapy as much as they do a dentist or dr.
In times like these, people often retweet hotline numbers like crazy and those with depression roll their eyes like its a platitude. Can we take a beat and come together as human beings for a moment?
Most people are woefully under equipped to deal with depression. Sure, they can cheer you up when you're sad but depression is another beast. Yes, you can be disappointed that your friends don't understand the depth of your pain but try not to hold it against them.
I couldn't handle my own despair. Expecting someone who isn't a trained professional to cope and navigate a situation will leave you disappointed and feeling worse about yourself. Take comfort in those who get it, avoid those who don't, and rely on specialists.
Trust that people RTing hotline numbers have good intentions and frankly have nothing else immediately to offer other than a possible lifeline to someone who does. I was totally one of those who wasn't going to call.
Hell, I had reps from @afspnational come to my house to talk to my family and sat through the entire presentation plotting my own way out. I get it.
Everyone has their own reasons for not calling a hotline: embarrassment, not wanting to impose, not wanting to talk to a stranger, not wanting to need help to feel better. I didn't want to be stopped. I wanted to die. Plain and simple.
I don't know what made me pick up my friend's call that morning in the middle of a full blown meltdown. But it literally took him shouting at me, "Make the fucking call!" to get me to snap out of it long enough to dial @afspnational.
The call was the first step in a long road to recovery. It's not going to fix you. But it's an important first step. If you're in crisis, pride, shame, shyness be damned.
Make the fucking call.
Make the fucking call.
To those who have friends with depression, it's not easy. You want to fix it for them, you want them to be "normal" or how they used to be. I'm sorry, they can't and it's not you, it's us.
Be gentle and patient with us. Accept us for where we are now. Learn language that will help rather than harm. And know there's no shame in saying, "I can't be what you need but let's find someone who can."
Some people don't make it out of depression. It doesn't mean they didn't try or they didn't care about their loved ones. It doesn't have to be fatal but sometimes it is. Try to have compassion for them.
Suicide isn't selfish. The person wasn't "crazy". They just wanted the pain to stop. It's awful and it hurts and it's tragic and seemingly incomprehensible and preventable. But it's not selfish.
On to grief: a person in grief may be angry, despondent, begging for a redo, and back to angry in a matter of seconds. Allow a grieving person their emotions. Don't try to control the uncontrollable. They need to process for as long as it takes.
Offer an ear, a shoulder, to come and sit in their misery or clean their house, make them food, make sure their pantry/toiletries are stocked, be there when the first month is over and everyone else has gone back to their own lives.
So many of us don't know what to say after someone dies. It's shocking and awful and we want to comfort or give hope but all that comes out is "I'm so sorry for your loss." Because we are and we're at a loss and that's ok but it's possible to do better.
Tailor your condolences to the person, i.e.: don't give religious scripture to an atheist. At this moment it's not about you, it's about them. Telling a parent their child is "in a better place" immediately is not going to comfort them unless they're devout. Save that for later.
Take the time to craft a personal response without emojis. Writing out "Rest in Peace" takes maybe one more second than RIP and means infinitely more. Spell the deceased's name correctly. These seem trivial but they really do make a difference.
We have a 100% mortality rate. Learn the language of grief. Get comfortable with the discomfort. Prepare yourself. One day it might be your loved one you're picking off the floor.
I just want to add that personality differences may come into play. I, as an introvert, was already not comfortable with asking for help, let alone contacting a stranger. I was lucky. A coworker of my husband kept reaching out for weeks and wouldn't let it go.
It was only after I accepted her as sincerely wanting to be with me that I let her in. Sometimes it just takes reaching out once. Sometimes it's more. If you're own load is too heavy, offer to split it with a friend or 2.
And if you're an introvert in grief and want a practical, no sugar coating approach to your private pain, I suggest @refugeingrief. There's lots of swearing and understanding for our kind. ❤️
