Thread by @ChefShwasty

Have I ever told you guys about my certifiably insane coworker?

We all know that there's two ways to re-holster toilet paper, right? Over-flap and under-flap. What you think I'm about to say is that he prefers under-flap, like a monster.

Nah son. This fucking psycho leaves the roll on the FLOOR in front of the toilet in the public bathroom.

This absolute mad-man tries to invent the latin words for shit. Like, someone talks about a bug, and he'll say something like "oh yeah that's the *oricical* bug from the *orichi* phylum"

Motherfucker does it every. Fucking. Time.

This full-ass adult also once threw a tantrum involving calling someone a "fucking stupid piece of shit idiot motherfucker" IN FRONT OF OUR CUSTOMERS

This was because someone borrowed his pen or some shit. Not even a special pen. Like a Bic.

He also thinks he's a doctor

God forbid you come in with a back ache. He knows EXACTLY what's causing it and can save you "thousands of dollars in 5 seconds" with his one adjustment

So far, he's incapacitated several people and made them go to a doctor

He CONSTANTLY talks about MMA and martial arts. He makes vague threats to people about it all the time, and claims he knows every instructor in town

Fun part is, I was a taekwondo instructor for like 3 years. I know the dumb bullshit he fronts.

SPEAKING OF HOW HE KNOWS EVERYONE

No matter who you talk about, he knows them. I'm not joking. Like, your friend Bill from high school science? "Oh yeah, his mom had reddish hair, right? Kinda had the speech thing?"

NO. NO. STOP IT YOU PRETENTIOUS WEIRDO.

And he NEVER. STOPS. TALKING.

I worry what you hear is: he talks a lot.

No. He never. Stops. Talking.

If he runs out of stuff to say, or people to talk to, he narrates what he's doing. His every movement. Loudly. In your direction. Like he's expecting you to respond.

If he were in any other industry, he would've already been fired. He constantly harasses people, puts his foot in his mouth, and pisses off the wrong people

"I'm surprised they haven't fired him yet" -Something I've heard damn near every customer say

Ever met someone who LIKES to panic?

Something small will go wrong and this fucker scrambles the jets and lights the beacons of Gondor because we hit a small speed bump. He's called in so many favors, the man himself might as well just open up a bank of IOU's

Oh, oh, oh. He's also the kind of person who calls a customer and says "hey it's me."

YOU CAN ONLY PULL THE "HEY IT'S ME" LINE IF YOU:

1) ARE DATING
2) ARE FRIENDS OF 10+ YEARS
3) HAVE AN UNMISTAKABLE VOICE LIKE GILBERT GOTTFRIED

He literally makes my job 10x worse. A good portion of mine (and everyone else's day) is cleaning up after his fuck-ups.

I get here at 7am every morning, same as him. Now, I don't begrudge taking breaks...

Fucker is on his 7th smoke break in 2 hours. He spends MAYBE 2 hours a day at his desk, it feels like.

Real talk is that I KNOW a couple people from my corporate office follow me on here. This might get back to me, some how. And *I* will probably be the one getting disciplined...

So... Yeah. Hi, corporate office.