a few years ago, it fell to me to tell some family members that someone very close to them had died.
one of my best friends is a doctor, and he gave me some really good advice about how to do that conversation. which I pass on now, for anyone who needs to give bad news.
one of my best friends is a doctor, and he gave me some really good advice about how to do that conversation. which I pass on now, for anyone who needs to give bad news.
1) if you have to leave a message, say "Hi <x> it's Naomi, I'm calling with some very sad news. Could you call me back on <number>." Don't break the news by a voice message, but also allow them to know that this won't be an easy conversation or a casual one.
2) at the start of the conversation, say "I've got some really sad news I'm afraid." In their minds they are already working out what it is. They do not really hear the next few lines, or only halfway.
3) so the next few lines are the story. tell it chronologically and in spare details. "your sister was admitted to hospital last night. she was very ill with a high fever. the doctors gave her antibiotics but nothing worked. at 9am today she died."
4) after you say "<x died>" or "whatever the bad news is", stop. do not say anything else.
if you have more information to give let them ask for it. respond to what they say next, or remain in complete silence if they are silent. if they start to cry, just say "I'm here".
if you have more information to give let them ask for it. respond to what they say next, or remain in complete silence if they are silent. if they start to cry, just say "I'm here".
5) it is OK for this phonecall to be brief. tell them how to get in touch with you (if they don't already know). if you're not the person *there*, you're probably not the person they want a long chat with at that moment.
6) let them know what will happen next, if you know. answer all the questions they have, if you know the answers. if there are questions you don't know the answer to, it's a useful thing to say that you'll find out.
7) if you have a number of these phonecalls to make, my advice is that it's very useful to have someone who cares about you and who didn't know the person at all (ie is not bereaved etc themselves) who you can phone in between each one to tell you you're doing a good job
@NaomiAllthenews I would add to all of these that if someone is just bereaved a kind thing to do is offer to make these calls for them
to make sure that this gets added to the thread: @MASieghart points out that if there's more than one person you could possibly be calling about, the message should be: "I have sad news about x". to stop the mind racing and guessing.
@NaomiAllthenews thank you for many useful (and moving) replies to this thread, including adjustments for ASD ppl & for different cultures
