Thinking back on my "emerging" phase, I remember how CRUCIAL it seemed to land these landmark early-career opportunities: NYTW fellows, Princess Grace or Van Lier, or Public EWG, or P73 Fellows, Ars Nova Group, Soho Rep Lab...
And I landed none of those. I felt like my peers were chaining together these opportunities and that I had to do that too or I'd fall behind.
I remember one year getting to NYTW interview phase, I couldn't find the address, I arrived sweaty and flummoxed and just bludgeoned the interview. I didn't get in, felt crushed...Re-applied 3 yrs in a row and never got an interview again. I was like "Am I getting WORSE?"
But throughout that I also did end up landing other opportunities that in retrospect were equally crucial. Youngblood. Ma-Yi Lab. Juilliard. And built my voice and community through those open doors.
I say all this to say that my mistake was thinking there was some kind of defined trajectory and that if I didn't hop from fellowship to fellowship I would fail that trajectory. And now that I'm too old for any of these things, I realize it's an array and not a trajectory
I didn't need EVERY opportunity, just some opportunity. Comparing myself to peers was a toxic, myopic energy that wasn't making my writing any better. And ultimately why would you feel the need to compare yourself to your FRIENDS, especially when your voices are all so different.
It's an especially futile energy because my particular "Dammit I can't get into NYTW" is someone else's "Dammit I can't get into Youngblood" - you end up undervaluing the open doors while you obsess on the closed ones
I also think that for those opportunities I DID land what was more important than institutional backing was finding a community of writers/actors/directors who were all growing together and learning each other. That community can take many forms; it need not be inside theaters.
Because YOU ARE THE THEATER.
Point being: Be resilient, my emerging loves, and be kind to each other. This is a very long haul and early signifiers mean nothing against the backdrop of a long career.
