Oh man there's a series on Hulu called "Damien" that's about the kid from the Omen. This looks terrible and I'm gonna watch it with my tea and chocolate because this week has been political hell just like last week and I need some joy and terrible TV.
Oooh, crows on the roof of a cathedral, being ominous. This is a good, strong Halloween camp start.
Our hero just started, like, spasming in front of a giant Jesus statue. Good, good. This is excellent Halloween High Camp.
Aw yeah, he just CHUCKED A ROSARY AT JESUS. Quality TV.
Now he's in Damascus (hahahah sure, show), and there are TV Scary Middle Eastern People but also Cute Middle Eastern Kids. I am not sure how the show wants me to feel.
This all happened in like the first 40 seconds, btw.
Now there are scary soldiers being violent and oh, there's a shot of a Byzantine icon of the virgin, so I take it we're supposed to feel bad for them.
And an old woman just grabbed his face and said in clear, American-accented English, "Damien, I love you." Now she's chatting in Latin in a scary devil voice.
Side note: I assume that's supposed to be the Devil speaking, but, like, why does the Devil always speak Latin? That makes, like, zero sense unless he's talking to priests who speak Latin. But anyway.
And now Damien remembers his childhood which he's forgotten up til now. Because he got, like, enlightened. In Damascus. GET IT?
Cool, cool, now his ex-girlfriend is doing a bunch of emotional labor for him after telling him to leave her alone.
And now his girlfriend the war photographer (I think?) who is also apparently a theologian is translating the Latin for him and explaining that Jesus started his ministry at 30 after being baptized and Damien just turned 30 and got baptized in the old woman's blood, so.
omg if they make this series primarily about these two's terrible relationship I'm bailing
Now he's talking to a biblical scholar about the Beast who'll become the worst tyrant the world has seen and plunge it into war, darkness, plague and famine and how is this different from real politics again?
Biblical scholar just pressed a rosary into Damien's hand urging him to accept Jesus. "Eat his flesh. Drink his blood. It is the only way." Ominous chanting in the background. YES, SERIES. YES. BECOME THE CAMP YOU WANT TO BE. GIVE IN.
A gang of Rottweilers, who are, apparently, the same as hellhounds just broke into Biblical Scholar's home and are tearing him apart while the camera cuts back and forth to what looks like a Bosch painting.
Aaaaand blood just got splashed all over a crucifix that, due to the camera angle, appears to be upside down. I wish this series would stop trying to be serious or deep and just embrace the Antichrist Slasher Flick it so clearly longs to be.
And now he just professed that he's an atheist and ordered his girlfriend to leave him, because these are people behaving like people and this is how human behavior works.
YOU BLOODY WELL BETTER NOT FRIDGE HER, SERIES.
oh, even better, she's getting sucked into mysteriously appearing quicksand so he can rescue her
cool, cool
cool, cool
and fridged.
fuck this noise. I'm going to go watch The Gifted.
fuck this noise. I'm going to go watch The Gifted.
