Thread by @eriktorenberg

1/A decade ago, I took my first device-free, solitude experience.

Ten years and 100s of “solos” later, I can say with confidence that if I could give any bit of advice to my younger me it would be to spend at least one day a week in device-free solitude.

2/ Backstory: I took an 6 week study abroad trip to Maine (no phone or computer) and channeling our inner Thoreau, we all took what we called “Solos” — a weekend without talking to any people or, of course, using any devices.

NELP: lsa.umich.edu/nelp

3/ When I first began my solo, I remember playing with branches, kicking leaves — I was bored. I was restless. I wanted to come back to mainland. Then, two hours later, I experienced my first solitude high — a feeling I’d seek for the rest of my life.

4/ I was journaling, and suddenly, I came up w/ a nice thing to say to someone. Then another. And another. I couldn’t stop. One was an apology. Another was a note of gratitude, far overdue.

I started fiercely writing letters, w/ a clarity of spirit that I hadn’t felt before.

5/ I also started to untangle the knots I had around others. e.g. A friend I didn’t talk to anymore.

I began to cultivate what John Keats calls negative capability — when one is capable of being in uncertainties & doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.

6/ I’ve always been happier — I’ve improved relationships, come up w/ my best ideas, and acted w/ more integrity—when I’ve kept my solitude practice.

Although it seems daunting to “waste” a day--the time you save in having less fights, less stress, & less bullshit is priceless.

7/ It’s the strangest thing: After being alone for extended time, I feel closer to others. When I am offline, away from devices, I feel like I am connected to something bigger than myself.

Paradoxically, solitude begets solidarity.
“Labor is a craft, but perfect rest is an art.”

8/ OK. So what do I do?

Literally Nothing.

During the week I am held hostage by inputs: Texts. Notifications. Podcasts. No moment goes un-utilized.

On sabbath, no inputs. No podcasts while eating. No checking my phone during down time. No people. No conversations.

Nothing.

9/ At first, it’s really f-ing boring.

I’m just staring at the wall

It reminds me of DFW book on boredom, where he describes the accountant's work (no offense) just to give you a sense of what boredom truly is. And you see how boring boredom is.

That's what happens here too.

10/Then the thoughts come.

At first they’re quotidian: Did you get back to this person. Respond to that email. Overthinking a (unnecessary) comeback to something someone said months ago.

Then deeper. Compliments (& apologies) you should share. Lists of things to stop doing.

11/ And then the Q's come: Why are you still friends w/ this person? Why are you not in touch w/ this other person? Do you still want to work / live in the same place? What are the important but not urgent things that if you did more of would make you significantly happier?

12/ Over time, you untie the mental knots that keep popping up. Tensions you have with people. Limiting beliefs you have about yourself. Other bottlenecks that are preventing you from connecting with yourself, and thus, other people.

13/ Then the feelings come. Regret at mistakes you made. Anger. Pain. Sadness.

You haven’t felt actual feelings in so long.

Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only solitude can help you find them again.

14/ You emerge w/ more sympathy, because you now separate observations & judgments

Maybe when he said that hurtful thing he was going through something, you reflect.

You forgive.

Hearts & minds are reclaimed during solitude. Perspective shifts—they happen here.

Healing too.

15/ You become compassionate, untethered, and proactive:

How can you be a better friend to her, better partner to him, better colleague to them?

You ask these questions, brainstorm solutions, and then enact processes to operationalize the solutions.

16/ Process takes time.

Thoughts are sporadic + surface level before going deeper. It’s as if you’re hacking at a tree--several trees at a time. Whack-a-mole.

With enough hacks, you get at the root.

Normally, an input blocks deeper hacking.

But with silence, you hack away

17/ Or maybe it’s like fishing. Just wait. You’ll catch the Good Thoughts—the ideas, feelings, the paradigm shifts.

Or, more accurately, they’ll catch you.

Sometimes you’ll lie there for hours. Nothing. Other times you’ll be seized with a desire to act.

You trust the process.

18/ With enough time, your mind rejumbles your thoughts, like a rubix cube reorienting itself, until the colors fit.

Or the pieces of a puzzle. Or the blocks in Tetris.

19/ Sometimes it's painful. You sit with this harrowing memory. It hurts. It’s hot.

But your heart becomes like Wolverine’s body — the wounds heal themselves, if you let them.

“Time heals all wounds”, they say, but they forget to say that it’s the right kind of time--solitude.

20/ I have to admit the whole thing sounds random. It feels random. If someone looks at you, it sure as hell looks random.

It’s not even meditating. It’s just sitting there. Zoning the f out. Sometimes I mediate. Other times I fall asleep. 100% not judging the process.

21/ Not judging the process is key.

I try to be in device-free solitude every week -- but realistically it’s like every 2/3 weeks for me. Sometimes it’s one day. Other times, it’s 3. Sometimes I break and check my phone. That's OK. The motivation is what matters.

22/ Btw, unlike meditation retreats (which are great) I don’t focus the mind. I just let it wander. It’s not the religious sabbath either, altho the fact that ppl have sought solitude for 1000s of yrs is another indicator of its importance

Only rules are *no phone* & no *people*

23/ One interesting side effect is that it makes you conscious of what you put in your mind.

During extended solitude, a conflict can drive you crazy. A passive aggressive remark can eat at you.

Even a dumb song could get stuck in your head on repeat for hours.

24/ Want new ideas?

Spend 1 full day alone doing nothing.

Want to be more in touch with yourself?

Spend 1 full day alone doing nothing.

Want to have greater appreciation&connection of others?

Spend 1 full day doing nothing.

Don’t think it’s worth a full day?

Spend 2 days.

25/ Of course, if you have kids this is hard. Like any retreat in general, It’s a privilege to be able to do it, + if you're unable, maybe take little bouts of intentional solitude when one can.

When do you know you’ve had a good “solo”?

When you’re hungry to see people again.

26/ Hence another paradox of solitude : the problems that solitude can help you overcome often make it hard to do the solitude in the first place.

But when you take the time, you ask the right q’s, and you give the right answers to q’s noone’s asking—but they wish they were.

27/ With that, I’m about to do one & take off for the rest of 2018.

✌🙏