Thread by @jonniker

I spent two and a half days without my ADHD medication, and ... I don’t think people fully understand what it’s like for people with untreated ADHD, so I’m going to have a go at explaining it. It’s been a long time since I experienced that. Do not recommend.

For me, emotional regulation is the most important element. It’s not just not being able to focus and being unproductive. It’s being completely unable to prioritize outside inputs. So literally everything happening — in the house, outside, every noise, voice, paper— hits at once

Like, imagine standing on a corner, and having every single person walking by stop and just start shouting instructions at you. Some of them are putting documents in your face to read. Others have boom boxes. All at top volume.

And no matter where you go, they all follow you. Loudly. Once in a while, you can make out one or two voices, but it takes SO much concentration. Herculean levels. And sometimes during that concentration, another person starts talking.

That’s where the emotional regulation part comes in for me. Because it is literally taking every last molecule just to concentrate on that ONE VOICE. And it’s exhausting and puts me on such edge, that I’m already on the verge of screaming.

And sometimes, before I can finish making out that tiny, singular voice in a sea of information, I’m interrupted. And then I snap. Bark rudely at whomever has broken the concentration. And alllll the frustration I’ve been holding in from all of that mental energy comes out.

On that one poor person who just wanted me to tie his shoes, turn on the TV, read a book. And it looks (and is) mean and uncalled for and ridiculous, but they can’t see all the chaos unfolding in my brain that made that moment so tense.

But that’s only one of the festival of terrible options available! Maybe to the side of the screaming crowd is a lady holding a sign that promises some peace and quiet. And her sign looks interesting, even it’s not something you need to, or even SHOULD, do.

But the chaos is overwhelming, so you check her out. And it IS quiet here, and lord knows your brain could use the rest. And you don’t realize what a dangerous idea this is until you emerge four to six hours later, and that’s all you’ve done.

And it’s impossible explain why. Why DID you waste six hours on Twitter/Legos/organizing socks? Well, because it kept your brain quiet, that’s why. But by the time I emerge from hyperfocus, I ... can’t remember. So I just shrug. WHICH DOES NOT GO OVER WELL.

And then there is the other option of just straight-up shutting down. When I am unmedicated, I am understandably tired, sure, but sometimes my body’s response is to just pull down the curtain and BEG for sleep. Take a nap, dude. This is too much for one brain.

Or—and this is the one that is super popular with spouses—just melt the fuck down. Abject weeping. Snot everywhere. Near hysterics. And when asked why you’re crying, because it’s all too much to explain, the best you can offer is “I can’t find a SPOON!”