Thread by @rfwilliford

Thread of small, sweet, beautiful things or moments or people:

1/5/19: Live band (The Oldfields) at a local Muncie brewery (Guardian) playing a cover of Hozier’s “Work Song.” Amid discussion, our table stops and turns towards the band, entranced by a beautiful voice. Leaning into the moment. In awe.

1/12/19: sitting at a local coffeeshop, I finish a book given to me by my best friend. One of heartbreak and heartstretch. Of moving. Of redefinition. And, of course, love. Finished, I set the book down. Peer out the window. Snow endlessly falling. Peace endlessly here now.

1/19/19: the first sip of coffee, Saturday morning, eyes wide and looking up. People all around—a quiet hum of a collective warmth—light shifting its way through giant windows. I sit in wonder.

1/22/19: a driver named Ed, who, after a speaker on campus, walked up to me and asked me to sing with him. I didn't know the song but he kept singing until I did know one. "It's all about having fun," he says. And he's right. I hope I have more fun this year.

1/24/19: seeing my mom and sister tag each other in things on Facebook that are cheesy but affirming of motherhood and growth. “I learned from the best,” my sister says to mom. Can’t help but imagine I’ll be saying the same to both of these women one day.

1/26/19: Resist.

1/27/19: spent the last 3 days exploring NYC & napping & reading & walking & hugging & loving & loving & loving with @HeyMichaelKing. Seeing him feels like finally breathing after weeks of held breath. Friendship is a learned language between people. We commit to that learning.

1/27/19: last night’s birthday dinner with friends in the city. I am reminded of how healing it can be to be among folks who are committed to living a life of love & discipline & growth. So many laughs, so much heart in this space w/ each other. I’m grateful for these people.

1/27/19: a few nights ago, I got to see @WaitressMusical with @SaraBareilles in it and it was a small dream coming true. She’s magic. Her voice is beautiful. I just want to be her friend.

2/6/19: In class, we talked about wonder & curiosity, how they interact, how they build on one another, & the case for empathetic curiosity when it comes to understanding people who are different than ourselves. These humans are thoughtful, insightful, & brilliant. Feeling full.

2/13/19: in class, we discussed the experiences of women on campus (& in the world). Heard stories. Interrogated societal expectations and the spaces we create. Talked about our role as human beings to create affirming spaces.

These folks are brilliant. Srsly.

2/15/19: spent an evening with good company, laughing and joking, smiling and feeling full of joy. Counting these moments as some of the most important to me in 2019. It's the moments colored in joy that I'm learning to hold closer to my heart.

2/19/19: working to find the small joys, even in the moments of sadness or pain. Like saying goodbye to a friend or finishing a book. There are things that twinge & twist the heart, folding me messily into a pile. There’s a home in the mess. A home in me. Joy in that somewhere.

2/19/19: a full moon—this explains everything.

2/23/19: a Snapchat from my brother of my niece saying her ABC’s. I still don’t quite know how to articulate the ways that seeing her grow up fills me with hope. She’s scrappy but tender. Likes to say no. Likes to love people. And isn’t that just the most beautiful thing?

2/26/19: a moment of awe blooming from a thought about how I have a tremendous privilege and unbelievable honor to serve as an instructor for a course of 15 students who are working to tell stories. To listen. To push boundaries and try try try. To keep pushing, pushing.

3/1/19: @BenSPLATT’s new song Grow As We Go. Sitting in a Wisconsin hotel room & feeling around in my heart of hearts for the times I’ve been on both sides of this song: the grower, adamant about doing so alone, & the the one giving space for growth to happen.

3/4/19: a bitter & beautiful Monday morning on Spring Break week. Gathering my thoughts. Making a to-do list. Getting my bearings. Trying to cross some t’s and dot some i’s that have gone long unattended. I think the kids call this “getting my shit together.” Yeah. That.

3/4/19: Just a couple of @oaklandu Golden Grizzlies meeting up at a conference in Wisconsin this past weekend. Time keeps moving. Wonderful connecting with two people that have inspired me in this field.

3/6/19: sitting at the car shop awaiting service and a small, wide-eyed human with hearts on their jeans turns to me and waves with a smile. I, waving back, smile big. Their mother smiles. & now I will need to uber home because I have melted completely in my chair.

3/6/19: & now the tiny human is jumping & dancing & laughing with joy & I have asked one of the sales reps if they have a mop because surely I am no longer a human but a pile of joy myself except in puddle form. They do not have a mop & I’m wondering how I never prepare for this.

3/7/19: received this poem in my inbox this morning. Had to sit down.

“And so much loneliness, a kind of purity of being / and emptiness, no one you are or ever could be, / my mother like another me in another life, gone”

Oof.

3/9/19: what beauty it is, I tell myself again & again, to love and be loved by folks who write their world into existence. Folks who are committed to their own journey, to carving out spaces where they do more than exist. Folks who love well. A thing of beauty, I tell myself.

3/10/19: Life is changing slowly and all at once. Still, I keep coming back to what I know best: an empty page, coffee coursing through me, an idea or three, and every intention to explore the questions I’ve been asking myself for months.

3/15/19: spent an evening in good company playing games and laughing until my stomach hurt. It’ll always be these moments that I remember most vividly; the small realization, between laughs, that I am where I should be.

3/16/19: reading through journals for my class and realizing that I have a beautiful privilege of having access to that which moves them, motivates them, brings them joy, and breaks their heart. They’re writing stories. I get to read them. My heart is full.

3/17/19: 1182 words on worthiness, coming up short, heights and depths, enough-ness, and calling the people I love.

3/27: the class I teach is full of beautiful, thoughtful humans. Brimming with gratitude for presence, topics that engage us, & collective joy—the kind we identify with in togetherness & we work to stretch as far (& for as long) as we can.

3/30: 751 words on tattoos, caring, 2019, doodling, being an imposter, self-affliction, and finding the goodness.

3/30: my sister sent me this picture of my niece and I just love her so much. What a queen.

3/30: spent some time with some elderly folks playing bingo. Met Louise from Tennessee who wore a “#1 Grandma” sweater and reminded me of my own. Quiet. Smiley. She won bingo three times. A sweet woman with plenty of stories. Wish I could have stayed longer.

3/31: went to see Gypsy on campus. It's evident that these students care deeply about their craft. Being able to witness their hard work, dedication, & commitment to art always leaves me in awe. Felt the same about Parade a couple years back. Left feeling light. Happy Sunday.

4/10/19: I’ve been turning over this poem’s words in my head as I move throughout the day. Feels stuck in my throat the same way a good cry gets stuck. Perhaps I am the stuck one and this poem is freeing me; saying what I need to say without forcing me to say it.

4/13/19: Some beautiful, inspiring work from very talented students & artists. Proud to say I’ve worked with students who are focused on creating & questioning the status quo through their work. Beautiful!

4/15/19: It's been a year since getting into my car accident and losing one of my soulmates, Beatrice (a Buick). Such sweet memories with her. Folks have told me "it's not that deep" but so many memories begin and end in that car. I miss her every day. That matters to me.

4/15/19: I have 15/20 things completed for final class of the teaching certificate. Stopping to take note of the progress I've made. Many hours spent reading, researching, & writing. Challenges me in a way that stretches my capacities. I've enjoyed this.

4/18/19: Sat with my grad student & talked about highs and lows of the year. We’ve resolved to believe in the notion that we’ve failed more than we’ve succeeded, but that means we’re trying. Tangible results of working to love folks better every day. Every step = worth it.

4/20/19: I subscribe to a daily poem from @POETSorg but oftentimes can't read them day-of, so I stockpile them for Saturday mornings & pour over the words. Gratitude for poetry sticking with me like an inevitable, unending summer. I feel at home in my headspace again.

4/20/19: Hearing @SaraBareilles on the radio and remembering all over again that I'm going to see her in October in NYC. My heart swells.

4/21/19: & just like that, with the final save of my last paper, I've completed all of the coursework for the final class in the Coll & Univ Teaching certificate program. Bittersweet. I've really enjoyed being in classes again. Will be glad to take a break, too. Grateful.

4/30/19: Been over a week since I recorded something small or sweet. The truth is that there are quite a few things that have happened, but I needed the week of just observing. The last couple of years, this week has been difficult. And I’m working through some blocks.

4/30/19: One shining moment to share without explanation. Just gratitude and a heart that is full.

4/30/19: Another moment: sharing a moment with a student who asked me how I was really doing. Stopped in my tracks & didn’t deflect. Thanked her for asking; she was the 1st to ask during an emotional week. Caring goes a long way. So does being seen. She helped without knowing.

5/1/19: One of my semester-long assignments is a weekly journal. I’ve completed the final grading & let me tell you.

THESE JOURNALS, Y’ALL.

These students are reflective & beyond brilliant. Most of them don’t even know it. So f-word rad to see them step into their stories.

5/5/19: The students have left the halls. Severely bittersweet for me. Everything I do is largely because of them. Their self-work, their journey, their self-discovery, learning, unlearning, & building. So grateful to have a job that makes saying goodbye so damn hard.

5/5/19: I always reach the semester’s end & realize my heart has sprouted in directions I never expected. Perhaps that’s the greatest gift of this profession: when we are catching our breath, we see how far our hearts have stretched. Every new mark, something like gratitude.

5/7/19: Applied for a passport today. Adventure awaits. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m excited about the possibilities. Any recommendations?

5/7/19: Said bye to a grad I’ve worked with for two years. Truly grateful for his presence, his ability to challenge me in new & insightful ways, & his willingness to show up for folks. Incredibly proud of him. New journeys ahead. For both of us. Wishing him well. 🌻

5/8/19: Spending some time in a hammock relaxing. Summer is here. Feeling hopeful.

5/10/19: A few notes on things happening today: screens, a book from NYC read in Cincinnati, a delivery human signing to a buyer, empty cups, singing at the top of my lungs on winding roads, imagining imagining imagining, a man runs around the same block several times, & so on.

5/11/19: Another note on yesterday: saw @DearEvanHansen national tour in Cincy—absolutely beautiful show. 2nd time & it’s captivating from beginning to end (& long after).

Go see this show, folks.

5/11/19: Observed a man with tears streaming down his face & another holding space for him. Softening what looks like a heart cracking. Maybe a breakup or death—perhaps both—and I think of this poem. How we can lend ourselves or not.

“Some days / the sky is too bright.”

5/14/19: Sitting at the airport (two hours early which is on brand for me) & reading. Ready to be away for a few and re-center. Spending so much time immersed in an environment is not always a good thing. Getting away (if you can) and calibrating your headspace is worth it.

5/14/19: got to see @BenSPLATT in NYC. Such beautiful energy & music. Grateful that I got to share a space with so many people who felt every note. If you ever get a chance to see your fave artists live, go. Spend the money. Show up and be in awe.

5/15/19: Reading in Central Park. A jazz trio is playing nearby. Shortly after sitting, an onlooker joins them and sings off the cuff. I am reminded of my dad and his living room jam sessions as I sat on the steps, listening closely with wonder.

5/15/19: I strike up a convo with a street artist; we talk about ego & freedom. I buy a piece of his work. We talk for a little while longer & I am reminded—again—of similar conversations I’ve had with my dad. Life is a short spectacle. Remembering is an act of courage.

5/16/19: Adventured around Brooyklyn today and fell in love with the side of this book store. Books are indeed magic; they saved my life in unmeasurable ways.

5/17/19: Reading on a rock in Central Park with @HeyMichaelKing.

Brooklyn*** 🤦🏻‍♂️

5/18/19: My summer 2019 NYC book haul. Before I came on this trip, I told myself I wasn’t going to buy any more books until I finished those on my shelves. Silly me—I haven’t met a bookstore I didn’t want to buy something out of. Thanks @booksaremagicbk & @strandbookstore. 🌞🌻

5/19/19: Heading home after a few days in NYC. Missing this place already. Feels like a small piece of home in such a big place. What a beautiful life.

5/22/19: Amidst deep ache in my heart, friends are showing up for me well. Holding space. Making a playlist for a long drive. Bringing tea. Coffee. A bagel. Checking in. Offering words. Letting me feel deeply. Offering to get on a plane. Feeling deep gratitude despite hurting.

5/24/19: Went to my childhood home. It’s pressed in my memory, something vivid &, at times, strange. I mowed this lawn. Both top front windows were mine one time. That tree I sat next to. Driveway full of sweat that once was mine. How sweet the memory plays.

Cont’d: This is the house my father bought when my parents moved here. Mom raised me in it. So much of my identity is wrapped messily around these walls. If I close my eyes, I can still imagine how it was to me. A home. Somewhere I could be myself inside of.

Cont’d: Leaving was inevitable. House cleaned out. Belongings thrown away or moved to storage. Little by little, my memories disappear until I come back again. Everything is illuminated.

5/25/19: My niece giving me a hug just before I left home. She is full of life. “What’s your favorite word?” I ask. Without hesitation: “No.” she says. Keep that same energy, Charlotte.

6/1/19: Feeling peace for the first time in a few weeks. A calm heart feels like several rolls of film being developed. The last few pages of a good book. Bottomless coffee cups. Sun-kissed skin. Something new & familiar.

6/5/19: Traveling alone brings me a specific kind of joy. I’m spending time with myself, flipping over ideas & making notes. Making plans & game planning for some self-work. It’s a joy lined with hope & it helps me embrace the messiness inside of me. Grateful for that.

6/12: Do they collide? I ask / and you smile / my feet on the dash / the world doesn't matter

Sent this song to a friend. Told him it made me think of my father. I've ached for possibility before but not like this. I miss him more than I thought I might.

6/13/19: Received this in the mail today. 🙂

6/14/19: Went to Starbucks to write. I felt like I was blocked. Worked through it. Wrote through it. Sorted through it. Found myself on the other side. So grateful to be a writer.

6/17/19: Finally got back into the gym today. Took my time. Was deliberate. Really happy with this beginning. My physical health has not been a priority these last few months. That changes today.

6/18/19: Talked to my dad yesterday. After some stories back and forth, one thing became clear. Something that he embodies: why not be joy?

6/18/19: My nosy self happened to look over at the middle-aged man writing longhand in a small notebook. It read: “There’s nothing I love more than watching you explore the world. Love, Daddy.”

😢

6/26/19: To get my writing going, I often open my cold computer and write a letter to someone near me, oftentimes a human I don't know, and sit in the wonder that they are surely made of. No matter how much of a block there may be, it all comes undone after that.

6/26/19: (cont'd) It is most often a love letter. Something so unpredictable and personal. Which is to say: love unties the knot that the world may have given me in the days before sitting there, & even if I never send that letter, it matters that it was written at all.

6/28: I asked a former student to make something that I can hang in my office & will remind me of something beautiful. She made this.

“This is me showing your emblem and mission of love.”

In awe of her creativity, thoughtfulness, & generosity. I have the best job in the world.

7/5/19: There is unbridled joy in hearing a child giggle unabashedly. Sitting in this coffee shop, the (presumed) father and son playing with toys strikes me in the heart. Hearing the son laugh warms me. Can’t help but smile ear to ear.

7/9/19: Starting to realize that I get overwhelmed when I start to get into the mindset of "I need to do X, Y, & Z right now or I'm doomed." Truly, I'm my own worst enemy. Taking some time today to take a step back & re-purpose that energy towards something that brings peace.

7/12/19: I intentionally put things on my walls that bring me hope, encouragement, & a sense of loving well & being loved well. When there are days when everything seems out of place and grief takes over, these serve as reminders that loneliness is not permanent.

7/12/19:

7/13/19: Write letters to the people who are no longer here. Write it for them or for you. Write everything you wish you could have said to them but never had the chance. Write the words that scare you.

7/17/19: A later post, but had the opportunity to make some strawberry and black raspberry jelly from scratch over the weekend. Thanks to @JeffShoup1 for the guidance and opportunity to learn something new.

@JeffShoup1 7/22/19: Today was my last "first" day of pro staff training at @BSU_Housing. Counting all the ways that I'm grateful for this place & all it has given to my heart. Hard to not point to all the people who have made this place what it is to me.

@JeffShoup1 @BSU_Housing 7/27/19: A small victory for me this week: my student loans are now under $20,000. Still so much more work to do. But it also feels like I can breathe a bit better knowing that I'm not ~that~ far away from being debt-free.

@JeffShoup1 @BSU_Housing 8/3/19: Taking an idea from @MonteSyrie for a board in my office. Looking to also do it in the classroom this year. A small, open letter to all that see it. Perhaps weekly or bi-weekly. Just reminders as we go along this journey together.

#MyBoardMessage

8/10/19: I get to work with these humans this year. 🌻🌸

8/16/19: All the students are moved in. My first message to them: I hope you feel like you belong here. I hope you find a home on this campus, a home in these people. I hope you find yourself over & over & over again & remember moments as they turn to memories. 1/

8/16/19: I hope you can experience everything that goes into becoming yourself; all the triumphs and tribulations will matter, they will get you where you’re supposed to be. 2/

8/16/19: I hope this place is something you treasure. I hope you leave it feeling like you did everything you wanted to. Everything that you imagined you’d ever accomplish. & just remember: it all happens one step at a time. 3/3

8/24/19: It’s been a wild few weeks at work; here are a few points I’d like to highlight:

-been focusing some energy on showing up like I have good news to share.

-what scares me the most is often the road I should be taking.

-teaching is becoming a clear path forward.

8/24/19:

-time is always more precious and fleeting than the mind makes up. Seeing family nourishes me.

-having deep, thoughtful, mind-changing, soul-expanding interactions/conversations continue to be at the center of what my purpose feels/looks/sounds like.

8/25/19: spent a night while home exploring some places in @Cityof_Flint. Anyone who tells you only bad things about a place might not really be looking hard enough.

@Cityof_Flint 8/25/19: spent my Sunday afternoon climbing my favorite tree, frolicking, playing a new game called NewRule, making a human pyramid, getting ice cream, playing on a playground (ft. dogs & small humans), & exploring campus a bit. Time well spent. Let's do it again next week.

8/25/19: in an effort to get to know the students in my class, I asked them to introduce themselves, say where they're from, what they're studying, & what song is stuck in their head currently. Here's what we came up with together:

open.spotify.com/playlist/2ulvm…

8/27/19: By @bymariandrew.

9/2/19: a text from a friend:

“Your emotions aren’t stupid, friend. You aren’t wrong to be bruised by people half-assing their love for you.”

This might seem super cliche but surround yourself with people who know what to say and when to say it. Folks that will show up.

9/3/19: Today’s wondering: what could happen if I pay closer attention to the steps (figuratively & literally) that I’m taking? What might I notice? Letting my imagination work & staying open to possibilities that reveal themselves.

9/12/19: Woman greets man at gym, someone familiar to them, a lover or best friend perhaps. Man sits. Looks like he’s slumping by the second. Woman begins to cry, wiping tears. They both stand, a lingering embrace. Man walks away. Woman sits there softly sobbing. 1/3

9/12/19: When man walked past, seemed as if he, too, wants to cry. Was holding it together for the moment. I don’t know the details. It’s none of my business. But my heart feels scratched just bearing witness to two people feeling deeply, together and apart. 2/3

9/12/19: We don’t have to be heroes for one another. Don’t need to save each other’s world. Don’t need to be the one. Just, perhaps, softness. Tenderness towards the hearts of others. Even without details, we can do that. Create a space & come undone. We can do that. 3/3

9/19/19: Seems like we’re all getting to that point in the semester where holding onto joy feels too large of an act. Going through motions. Routines. Over & over again. Just a small reminder for myself, here and now, to slow down. See it all in as much color. Feel it all. Move.

9/28/19: Albums I'm really enjoying:

-@LanaDelRey "Norman Fkn Rockwell!"
-@AndersonPaak "Ventura"
-@WittLowry "Nevers Road"
-@chancetherapper "The Big Day"
-@JColeNC "Revenge of the Dreamers III"
-@thelumineers "III"
-@shoffymusic "Lenses"

So much good music out.

9/30/19: Found out today that my favorite band from HS/college is reuniting. So many great memories associated with their songs. Thank you, @GoRadio. Y’all have made my year.

10/3/19: Jane Kenyon.

10/3/19: A reminder of joy today: a student singing at the top of their lungs in the parking garage. Such hopeful expression.

10/6/19: Just finished @the_Politician. What a beautiful whirlwind. Let’s you feel a range of emotions throughout the whole show. Truly a superb show.

@the_Politician 10/7/19: Riding a wave of productivity this morning & afternoon. Just have to remind myself that the days when I'm not as productive as today don't take away from my worth, my ability to do my job, or my character as a human.

10/15/19: a few updates in pictures from the last week: inbox zero before vacay, bookstore visits in NYC, Columbia visit, & @SaraBareilles concert. All brought me such joy in specific ways. Grateful for this journey.

10/15/19: Also saw @DearEvanHansen again and am still reeling from the impact of that show. Has a way of breaking me open in a soft & meaningful way. I will see it again & again.

10/15/19: other gratitudes include time with @HeyMichaelKing which is never long enough, having the chance to speak to a class about work-related stuff, getting accepted to an extra curriculum-building program, & more. I keep looking for joy. I keep finding it unexpectedly.

10/22/19: a reminder today. Thanks, @brainpickings.

10/28/19: Spent some time thinking about how much of my authentic self I am, on average every day no matter the setting. Haven’t landed on a solid % yet. It’s a good exercise in self-reflection. Since April 2017, that number has slowly climbed. Without hope, without despair.

10/30/19: same, @iSmashFizzle.

11/3/19: I’m late to this conversation, but Anthony Bourdain’s work is pretty extraordinary. The way he explored his love of food, culture, & landscape for others to see feels so genuine. If you’ve never seen @PartsUnknownCNN, I recommend.

11/3/19: Another G R E A T show is @modernlovetv. Beautifully done. Great storytelling.

11/5/19: Me today:

(But also: boo when your leaders don’t lead well. Be critical because it’s necessary. Vote because it matters. Be diligent with your voice.)

#ElectionDay2019

11/9/19: Gratitude to that feeling when projects you’re working on grow feet. Start walking. Start moving. Small steps, yes, but steps nonetheless.

11/18/19: Haven’t posted to this thread in a few, so a couple of snapshots of the last few weeks. Went to my first @UMichFootball game. Went to NOLA. Wrote a postcard to my father. Made a new friend. Kept going.

@UMichFootball 11/25/19: One of my favorite bands is back! Thanks for the new song, @GoRadio. Excited for more music to come.

11/28/19: Grateful for much this year. Perhaps most of all, it’s my mother, who, until today, didn’t know that I can make a mean oldies playlist for us to listen to for the hour drive to & from dinner. Seeing her bop around and sing along made my whole heart happy.

11/28/19: This is the same woman who picked the runt of the kitty litter because she wanted to make sure he was going to experience love in his life.

11/30/19: Feeling an immense amount of gratitude as I grade the final journal entries for my class this semester. The amount of reflection these folks participated in—both inside and outside of the classroom—is astounding. Just so glad I get to do this work.

12/5/19: Had a really positive conversation with a human who talked to me about her gay son & how she is working on accepting & loving him despite her beliefs. Talked about unlearning. Ways to accept. Ways to be patient. How it's okay to change your mind.

12/7/19: String of good things from today so far: did some service at a local soup kitchen with students I work with, got a compliment about my shirt being "the best ever," have had ample coffee, & am now working to organize my life. These all seem like small things. They're not.

12/10/19: Today was the last time I’ll spend Wednesday evenings in the classroom with this particular set of humans & I’m feeling sad & hopeful & full to the brim with gratitude. They showed up every week, y’all. Did the work. Talked the talk and walked the walk. 1/

12/10/19: (cont’d) I arrived each week on the edge of hope, wondering if the content will stick. Curious to know if they would respond in the ways I was revealing to them. Each week, they exceeded expectation. I often left each class inspired, jazzed, & full of wonder. 2/

12/10/19: (cont’d) I got to read their words. Got to know their stories. Got to spend time with them as they were spending time with themselves, learning & growing along the way. What a privilege. What an honor. I hope they know how much it meant to me that they were there. 3/

12/10/19: (cont’d) I won’t soon forget the time we spent unraveling, interrogating, wondering, & laughing along the way. It filled my heart. 4/

12/10/19: (cont’d) So much change on the horizon, so much unknown to them and me. But I’m reflecting on what I’d often tell them (& what I need to pay attention to myself, too): take step. Give yourself permission. Tell your truth. It all matters. 5/5

12/15/19: From @MarriageStory.