Thread by @socialistdogmom

i'm watching a movie.

everyone reading my tweets:

uh oh i bet something bad happens to this troop disrespecter

wow they really sped through the setup for the plot of this film - we are at under 5 minutes of elapsed time.

hey, i'm not a lawyer but he got some pretty bad advice before entering that guilty plea.

HE'S A HUMAN WEAPON NOT SUBJECT TO THE LAWS THAT GOVERN ORDINARY MEN

incredible use of word art gradient styles

he may be a con but he's still first and foremost a troop and a patriot and a husband. also, he's not yet in the air.

excuse me, chief miles edward o'brien is in this movie?

i've never been to prison before but i feel like it's unusual for the hallway to be on fire?

just chillin'

i hope this is a chekhov's book cart situation & he later has to explain, in spanish, how to make an origami crane in order to slay his enemy

wow i hope nothing out of the ordinary happens that would prevent him from meeting his daughter for the first time ever on her birthday.

wait, why is he doing federal time for a bar fight manslaughter? wouldn't they just have let the state of alabama handle that?

oh shit this must be how the cons get in the air

real shame they didn't have anything in wardrobe that fit john cusack.

is it somebody's last flight before retirement? is someone getting too old for this shit?

it's important to show us the one lady cop while the man talks about how all the prisoners are PURE PREDATORS. i hope no one threatens her chastity later.

you know what they say about showing an arsenal in the belly of the plane in the first act?
[it will be raided by a bunch of cons in the air by the third act]

who needs exposition when you could just do ROLL CALL

nathan sounds cool and he shouldn't have to sit next to the guy who killed his wife's whole family because she cheated on him.

prison guards aren't workers.

i don't think the director told him to make that face. honestly, i don't think you direct nick cage.

i hope the cons throw this guy into the air (out of the airplane)

y'all don't have like, a box or something for those? you just throw 'em over your shoulder like that?

i kind of appreciate how stupid this movie thinks we are. like, the moment colm meaney balked so hard at being told his plant couldn't carry a gun, you knew he was gonna sneak a gun onto the plane. you did not need to show me the gun.

it's really hard to tell what's setup for stuff that's gonna happen later and what's just weird nicholas cage shit

this guy gets it

REALLY hoping they try to teach this guy how to fly

please show me to the small arsenal in the belly of the plane, i just need it for something real quick

if i were the US marshal service in the universe of the film con air, i would simply use handcuffs that could not be easily picked by what looks like a piece of a paperclip that a serial killer his inside his own skin.

i know i started this movie like two hours ago but i had to take a bunch of breaks - i am TWENTY THREE MINUTES into this film and dave chapelle just set his seatmate on fire and i think ving rhames just killed a man. AND THAT GUY NEVER DID GET HIS INSULIN SHOT IS HE GONNA BE OK?

hell yeah dude, there is a full blown prison riot going on back there and a bunch of US marshals with tasers and clubs are getting their asses handed to them, THE CO PILOT OF THE PLANE should introduce a gun into the situation.

who could have predicted this?

lol he said the name of the movie

i hope they throw the rapist off the plane.

the ground is law-va, stay in the air forever

action/comedy star, john malkovich

honestly, not entirely? it's like a separate FBI just for drugs, i guess?

well, now i guess we'll never find out

you see, our protagonist is a Very Noble Hero and he must protect this woman's honor

charge him with twelve counts of terroristic doodling

this new star wars sucks

agreed.

i had to walk the dogs. we're actually only halfway through this movie.

sir, please stop calling this wendy's location

ah, experimenting with dramatic understatement. a little litotes. brilliant screenwriting.

whose jurisdiction is it anyway?!

nick cage just wrote john cusack a note on dave chapelle's corpse and then threw it out of the airplane

who wrote this

nicholas cage is qanon

it's pretty weird you're having this conversation in front of an eight year old girl

c'mon man, you can't give that stuffed animal to your little girl after it's been touched by a family annihilator. just let him keep it at this point.

this isn't really a finishing move but ok

oh shit, but this is. our hero just (accidentally) killed ANOTHER person. maybe that judge was right about him being a HUMAN WEAPON.

hey, uh, buddy? making jokes at a man's corpse is not how most people react to accidentally killing a guy.
(please get your daughter a new stuffed bunny. this one's no good now.)

absolved by this knockoff hannibal lecter

ok this murderer is talking sense

ahhh ok, i take it back. this guy doesn't get to be the arbiter of what's sane or not.

shoulda stolen a slightly larger car

ah c'mon, did they HAVE to kill the air traffic controller?

WELL I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKIN' KILLED PHIL, HUH?

interesting choice

STOP SAYING THE NAME OF THE MOVIE

he is risen

do not insult the grillmaster

i was just conversing with my dear old friend mr. dog

i mean if a good stock for chicken soup is medicine, then i guess this IS first aid.

weird sidestory going on over here where this serial killer is having a tea party with a little girl in an empty old pool. totally unrelated to the plot of the movie.

so slick. so cool.

i mean, when you have perfect hair no one can expect you to be modest

this just became a horror movie

con air? those cons are GROUNDED!

this movie has driven TWO PLANES into gas tanks and NEITHER OF THEM BLEW UP. i am feeling really let down.

this wordplay is a crime. i’m calling the police. i’m calling DHS. i’m calling the fucking UN.

sorry, this is the best movie ever made

THE WOMAN RESPECTER HAS LOGGED THE FUCK ON

don't threaten the bunny. that makes him angry. you won't like nick cage when he's angry.

TWO TIMES in this film a minor character has done a tuck and roll out of a taxiing plane before it crashes into something. two separate, unrelated times. stop recycling your own bits.

i choose to believe that in the scene where a gigantic plane drives through the casino, the decision to make the nose of the plane tap the lever on the slot machine which then hits a jackpot was simply a hint that the genre of the film is MAGICAL REALISM rather than action.

why are you both stealing a police motorcycle right now? this movie is over.

john malkovich and ving rhames stole a fire truck, nick cage and john cusack chased it on stolen cop motorcycles. now they are having the final boss fight on top of a moving fire truck. lotta forms of transportation in this movie. not just planes. who knew?

it seems like they had a lot of ideas for how to end this movie and they used all of them

the fire truck hit an armored truck and now it's raining money. also, john malkovich got electrocuted by some power lines (but was fine afterward) and then got his skull crushed by some kind of rock crushing apparatus (did not seem fine afterward)

the movie should've ended with nick cage hugging his wife & daughter but instead they added a horrifying scene - escaped serial killer steve buscemi playing craps.