, 7 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
No offense to Pennsylvania State University, but Nittany Lion looks like a $37 Hobby Lobby craft project
Brutus Buckeye: stuffed olive after 3 weeks in the fridge
Willie Wildcat: 4th place at the Schaumburg Furry Convention
Boiler Pete: love child of Muffler Man and Bob's Big Boy
Bucky Badger: skunk with neurofibromatosis
Goldy Gopher: thrown out of Alvin & the Chipmunks for 'roid rage
Sparty: Goldy's 'roid dealer
Testudo the Terrapin and Scarlet Knight: nobody cares
Herbie the Husker: apt symbol of Nebraska's laughably inept corn production
Herky the Hawk: beloved hero and delight to children of all ages, who soars magnificently above all of the Big Ten's earthbound mascots
And don't think for one minute that I'm going to overlook your attempts at a mascot, Michigan and Indiana
Illinois' mascot Chief Illinewek was retired due to cultural sensitivity issues, now replaced with Junky the Junk Bond
The perfect mascot for Illinois would be a mashup of Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar
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