Thread by @GailSimone

I have a theory, hear me out.

It's a little off-putting.

It may put a strange image in your head.

But I have looked at this from every angle and I think it is very likely accurate.

1/

Are you ready?

You may want to sit down.

2/

The more delicately-inclined among you may wish to must this conversation.

But I believe, understanding the lore involved, it is the only possible conclusion to make.

3/

Here we go.

Prepare yourself.

4/

I believe Legolas had Rapunzel pubes.

5/

HERE ME OUT.

Listen, listen, listen.

6/

Okay. Okay.

Legolas is 2931 at the time of the War of the Ring. Let's round it up to an even 3000.

So, he's about 3000 years old.

7/

Now, HUMAN, MORTAL hair has three stages. Growth, stagnation, and falling out.

Because Legolas is immortal, he's three thousand years without a wrinkle on his face. Right?

So what if his hair doesn't stagnate? 3000 years, he has the hair of a six year old Barbie Princess. 8/

Now. If his hair doesn't stagnate or fall out, it keeps growing. BUT! Because it's visible and elves are super vain because they are all played by actors/models who look like elves, he keeps his hair nice and trimmed, even though it's My Little Pony long and beautimous. 9/

BUT BUT BUT!

Even though JRR Tolkien, wrote EVERYTHING about Elves, including their languages and songs and favorite lembas recipes and foot powders...

...HE NEVER MENTIONED THEIR PUBES BEING TRIMMED.

10

Is that not a SUSPICIOUS omission? There's eight songs about BEER, for Pete's sake. Where's the discussion about 'riding the curl?'

I say thee nay. I say he let them be.

PLUS, think of the CONVENIENCE.

11/

You'll note for example that elves don't put saddles on their horses.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY CAN JUST SCOOTCH THE BRAIDS INTO THEIR PANTS SEAT.

12/

Plus sometimes when their are no non-elves around they just just toss the braids and swing around in the trees for the fun of it, making up filthy songs about Galadriel.

Elves are jerks, let's face it, they would totally do this.

13/

I think I've made my point, Legolas has a full on ANT FARM going down his leg and now we all know it.

14/

Now, a final thought.

Say there's a sexy elf prince locked in a tower and you ride up to save them but YOU HAVE NO LADDER, and they say, "Wait a tic, I'm sure I have SOMETHING you can use to climb up..."

Just, you know, gloves. Wear some gloves. 15/

Because when THAT golden rope falls down, it's not at ALL like the one Galadriel gave Samwise.

Wait.

UNLESS...!

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Oh, Galadriel, you sauce, unshaven minx!

YOU GAVE GIMLI A SINGLE STRAND OF YOUR HAIR BUT FROM WHERE, LADY OF THE TREE, FROM WHERE

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Also, I HAVE TO STOP WITH THE TYPOS WHILE POSTING THESE BRILLIANT TRUTHS.

ALSO! There's a real clue about this in the first draft of The Fellowship of the Ring, where Boromir says of Legolas, "Oh, dang, here comes ol' Rapunzel pubes."

Which goes a LONG way to confirming my theory.
19/

I like to think I class up Twitter pretty good.

end/

A deleted scene from the extended THE TWO TOWERS.

Legolas' famous groin yarn and another satisfied customer...

Ps. Gimli knew EXACTLY what he was asking for of Galadriel.

"Hey, if it's not too big a deal, I don't want to make this weird, but...how about one from the drapes and two from the carpet?"

PPS. Glorfindel trying the first manscape

PLUS they could meld their pubes like those blue weirdos in Avatar.

I am sticking with my theory that Legolas is like a golden twenty-meter porn 'stache 'down there.'

This is really going to change how I paint my LOTR miniatures.

GOOD NIGHT YOU WEIRDOS

🎶🎶🎶

"Rapunzel pubes, Repunzel pubes
Elrond watches on the Elf YouTube
Climb the rope, take a chance
It terminates...in Orlando's pants

LOOK OUT!
Here comes Rapunzel pubes!"

🎶🎶🎶