Thread by @krishnans15

So I've been following the actions of some "eminent defence analysts" over the last few days, as they expend their precious time to point out the stumbles of the DRDO and IAF as also the personal shortcomings of their people. All very exciting!
@elmihiro
@nileshjrane
@bennedose

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Using my secret telepathic hacking superpowers, I managed to intercept the operations of one such "analyst", the most "eminent" of all. In the true spirit of #OSINT as defined by the @elmihiro I hereby present my findings for everyone's learning, uplift & edification. Here goes:

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The Eminent "Defence Analyst" (EDA) lolled in his Aeron chair. He’d just sent in his latest article. This one would be a doozy, he thought. In addition to the DRDO, his usual patsy, he’d also painted a target on the back of the IAF. He hoped his principals would be satisfied.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA languidly clapped his hands, and a butler materialized silently. The Eminent One frowned. “Fool, cretin… your hands are uncovered. Where are those elegant white Italian gloves? Don’t you know you are to always cover those brown hands before serving me?”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The flunky stood with lowered head and waited for the storm to pass. The EDA continued brusquely. “Fetch me a bottle of the Château de la Noblesse 2016 pronto, but get those gloves on first. Oh, and tell my aide to come see me right away”. 

The servant bowed low and departed.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The musings of the Eminent One were interrupted by a cough, as of an elderly sheep clearing its throat. “You asked to see me, Sire?’ 

EDA: “Yes, indeed, Oddjob. I’ve sent off the latest hit job on indigenous aircraft programs, and thought we could share a glass in celebration”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob: “Would that be the Swedish job, Eminence? Hope they pay well, because we need the money”. The EDA frowned. “Didn’t know we had any money issues, Oddjob”. 

Oddjob: “Well Sir, the BMW is getting a bit long in the tooth and the wine cellar is showing several empty shelves.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA smiled. “Not to worry, Oddjob, the Swedes are shipping me their latest Volvo XC90, among other things. It’s the least they can do, given the amount of effort I’m putting into promoting their plane. And several cases of Svedka and Absolut vodka, of course.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob: “That still leaves the wine cellars, sir”. 

EDA: “Pity the Swedes don’t make decent wines; it’s all brannvin of one kind or another, or”; he shuddered delicately; “beer. Beer! Savages, I tell you, Oddjob. But they pay well”. A beatific smile wreathed his face.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The butler entered with a bottle of wine and two Bohemian crystal goblets on a silver salver. The Eminent One noted approvingly that he had a pair of white gloves on. “Just can’t get good domestic help these days,'' he remarked.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Can you imagine, this cretin turned up earlier with his bare brown hands uncovered?” Oddjob’s hands flew up and he made a little moue of surprise. “Truly shocking, Eminence.” 

“Never mind”, snapped the Eminent One testily. “What’s this about the wine cellar?”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob: “We’re running out of the better vintages, Sire, especially the French and California ones. We’re OK on the Australian and South African ones. And we’re also low on the pate de foie gras, truffles and XO cognacs”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA frowned. “Oh dear, now that is an issue. Earlier I’d just have had a little tete-a-tete with Dassault, but the damned IAF undercut me there by championing the Rafale when I could’ve made a nice little packet out of it. Wait, I have an idea”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The Eminent One’s face brightened after a moment of thought. “There’s always DCNS, and maybe I’ll get a chance to diss the Navy. Or maybe push for some Army stuff. What is it the Army uses? Guns, right? And they use cannons too, I think. See if you can dig up some dirt”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Maybe I can write an article on the crap guns the Army is using and push the French product. What else is it they use? Those metal boxes called tanks, I think. Maybe the French can try to sell those to the Army”. Oddjob thought for a moment and replied.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Well, Sire, those generic plain vanilla attacks without facts on the DRDO and indigenous defence programs paid well in their day but not any more. There is a lot of competition now, with several other defence analysts vying for the same lifafa, so the scope is hugely reduced”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA’s face hardened as he listened to Oddjob’s reply. Oddjob realized that the Eminent One was, to put it mildly, unhappy, and scrambled to defuse the situation through appropriately honeyed phraseology.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose He continued. “O Mightiest of Analysts, I am dazzled by the unbearable effulgence of your defence analysis, yet there are those who have the temerity to offer their feeble meanderings in competition with your incomparable prose and unsubstantiated allegations”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “And then we have the IAF promoting indigenous production in blatant disregard of Your Eminence’s command to buy the Swedish product. People seem to be buying their narrative, so maybe you need to up your game; possibly change tactics”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The Eminent One raised an imperious hand. “And that is what I’ve been doing, cretin. Haven’t you been seeing my ad hominem attacks on the IAF and its pilots? I’ve also been using Twitter to spit drivel and meaningless insults at anyone with a smidgen of aeronautical knowledge”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Just then the phone rang, and Oddjob walked over to answer it. He ended the brief conversation with a curt “we’ll get back to you, thanks”. The EDA raised an eyebrow, but waited patiently.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Replacing the receiver, Oddjob said “Sire, that was DG ISPR. He was impressed by the calibre of your attack on the DRDO, IAF and Indian strategy, and wanted to know if you could promote the JF-17 to the right people in lieu of indigenous programs. He said they’d pay well”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The Eminent One smiled. “Aye, and there lies the rub! It’s not about the JF-17 really; a plane is a plane after all, and one plane is very much like another, unless it’s of Indian origin. The USP for me is that it’s not an Indian design, especially one promoted by the IAF.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “No, the real issue is those uncivilized Pakis… they don’t make wines or liqueurs or fine cars, and their food is so rustic. Not many choices there. Side note to self; can I damn the Tejas because it can’t carry passengers? Check if that attack will work”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose He closed his eyes in thought. “Can’t present it as a MRFA competitor; we need the Swedish account. Maybe I can work with Prodyut Das to promote the JF-17 as the LCA Mk.1 that should have been, and use it to clean the Tejas’ clock. There’s of course the issue of compensation...”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose After a pause he continued, “Guess I’ll have to settle for USD or gold; can’t trust their currency, you know. Oddjob, work with Gafoora’s people on the ‘research’ while I set a price. Oh, and once I have the advance, do call the wine merchant to order fresh stocks”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA was interrupted by the chirp of an incoming high priority email. Oddjob checked it. “Magnificence, that was a congratulatory message from Markandey Katju, who heaps encomiums on you for your stellar exposes of the IAF and DRDO, and urges you to keep up the good work”.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA smiled gently. It felt good to be appreciated by such great men. Not like the philistines on Twitter and the uppity thullas who had the temerity to call themselves an Air Force and say things that he in his unchallenged might found to be distasteful.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Well, they now had their comeuppance! His powerful mind focused on what came next. The most pressing things were to supplement his income, get some shiny new wheels and restock his cellars and gourmet pantry. He turned decisively to Oddjob.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Get me a list of what we can do for the Americans. Maybe it’s time for a Cadillac, some fine steaks and perhaps some cases of their best bourbon.”

Oddjob bowed. “Sire, the DRDO is working on a MPATGM that competes with the Javelin. Perhaps that, and of course the F/A-18.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose EDA: “What’s a MP thingy, and I presume you’re referring to a spear when you say javelin? Damn, I hadn’t realized that the DRDO was researching spears.” His voice rose to an excited pitch.  “I see opportunities there, Oddjob. Perhaps you aren’t as big of a moron as I thought!”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob coughed discreetly. “Sire, the Javelin is a third generation man portable US anti tank missile. The DRDO has successfully demoed a similar product in the MPATGM so the Javelin is out of the reckoning, though the Americans even offered joint development.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The Eminent One’s face fell, then brightened as he thought of the silver lining of the Americans offering joint development. It would be easy enough to slap together something nasty about the DRDO’s inability to design and build stuff like the MP… whatever.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose He could use the joint development thing to club them even harder. There was the pesky issue of the successful trials of the MP thingy, but maybe he could  equivocate by saying the DRDO was lying. He could use the opportunity to take the Army down too. Damned uppity Indians!

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “What other opportunities do we have, Oddjob?” 

“Well Sire, the F/A-18…”. The EDA cut him off. “Idiot, don’t you realize that will affect the Swedish account?”

Oddjob bowed. “Sire, I meant the Navy procurement of 57 fighters.”

“Dummy, we have to promote the Sea Gripen there!”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Maybe the Russians,” mused the Eminent One. “They’re quite uncouth, true, but better than these damned Indians. We really should upgrade the bar with more choice vodkas, and of course there’s the caviar. Oddjob, go find out what promotions we can run for them right away.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob stood, then hesitated. “If i may, Your Weaponized Magnificence, I request permission to ask a question.” 

“Well, what is it, dolt?”

“Just this, Eminence; aren’t we going too far in our attempts to sabotage indigenous manufacture?”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose The EDA glared at Oddjob. “Scurvy varlet, you… you… you dare?” he sputtered, fighting for control. Finally succeeding, he went on. “Know this, moron. Ours not to question why, but to earn and enjoy, while they silently do and die. Now shut up and get on with it.”

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose Oddjob bowed and left. The Eminent One leaned back in his luxurious chair, savouring the excellent wine. The current issues were just a passing blip, he thought; given the size of the Indian defence market soon enough he’d get more opportunities to upgrade his lifestyle.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose He closed his eyes and dreamed of endless arms manufacturers and dalals lining up for his services, bearing bounteous gifts of luxurious foods, fine wines and luxury cars. If anyone had been listening, they’d have heard him murmuring a curious tune.

@elmihiro @nileshjrane @bennedose “Ours not to question why,
But just to lie and deny
While the dalals line my coffers
And I look for still better offers.”

Life was good.

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