Thread by @GailSimone

Okay, so last night, I had a phone call that was so thrilling and mind-boggling that I was trying to process it, and I decided that I was too buzzed to cook dinner. So we decided to go to a favorite restaurant, about 30 minutes away as a little mini-celebration. 1/

Many of you know I live in the Oregon boonies, the nearest town is five miles away and has nothing, this restaurant is half an hour away and has even less, BUT it has a great homey restaurant where everything is homemade, and lots of gf options. 2/

It was kind of late, it's a very small, one-room restaurant, with close tables. They said, "sit anywhere," and we sat close to an older couple, maybe in their seventies. The woman was attractive and simply-dresses, as is common here. Not a lot of fancy dress just around town. 3/

But the MAN is a kind of guy you see around here a lot. This used to be a logging/fishing town and almost all jobs related to that in some way, and many were well-paid. The men who worked those jobs were a wide spectrum politically, it's not all one brain... 4/

A tourist coming through might see them all and just think, "oh, those are rednecks," and have a bunch of pre-conceived notions, but they'd be wrong a lot of the time, despite the similarity of dress and haircut and the like. My dad was a logger and truck driver here. 5/

So THIS guy, who I think is the husband (they act married), is just very much of that type. Clean, pressed jeans, flannel shirt, clean shaven to a fault, silver hair closely cut and in perfect place. He is very obviously no nonsense. He's not at all rude as far as can see...6/

...but he has definite ideas about how these things should be done, everything from the ordering to the service to the cooking. I stress again, this could have been a restaurant here in the fifties, except our waiter seemed to be gay and they serve artisanal beers. 7/

Five minutes sitting down and I'm already thinking, I have GOT to put this guy in a comic. Not to make fun of him, I think it's perfectly charming how he wants things just so, he asks for people to do their jobs correctly and isn't pleased when they don't. Not rude, but clear. 8/

I stress again, he is never rude, never insulting. But when they bring the wrong drink, he doesn't apologize for asking for the correct one. And when his wife's dinner is a little cold, well, that's too much for him and he calls his waitress and says it needs to be fixed. 9/

He's actually pretty considerate about it, but it's clear he cares for his wife and won't allow her to have her meal cold. He's not doting upon her, it's just...this is my wife, I will not have her served a cold entrée. Like you would say, "the sun is coming up this morning." 10/

And we can't help but overhear everything he says, he has the sure voice of a logger or fisherman. You don't see a lot of guys like this in many cities, but out here, they are still common. They worked hard, dangerous jobs their whole lives, the same jobs their fathers did. 11/

Everything he says is assured, firm. There's little doubt or waffling, his ethical stances are clear. And yet, there's also none of the endless whining and victimology that a lot of people of that generation seem to have picked up from Fox TV. 12/

I am getting only a tiny window into this guy, but you get the sense that you want this man on your side, if there's a flood or a tire needs changing or ribs need grilling. He just seems ultra competent, masculine in a wonderful way, and surprisingly non-judgmental. 13/

So I am thinking about him and where I can stick a man like this in a story. I order a gf crab melt (it was delicious, fresh crab with cheese and tomato), hubby ordered a combo (fresh fish, tempura shrimp, chowder with shrimp). I predict the guy orders the steak...14/

And of course, he orders the steak and potatoes.

The point is, probably mid-seventies, this guy is clearly no one to mess with. If some punks hassled him, I would bet all my life savings on this older dude, and that he'd be back to finish his steak and never mention it. 15/

There's a point coming, I promise. :) 16

Well, 'point' is a strong word. 17/

So I have made up a whole story about this guy, he was born on a farm (like me) and became a logger and then a foreman, did a stint in the army, but doesn't talk about it, loves his grandkids and spoils them rotten, and basically no one has ever given him any shit. 18/

They get done before we do. He tells the waitress about the cold entrée. He doesn't shame her or blame her, it's just factual. He doesn't whine. His message is, tell them to do better. And that's just how this guy lives his life.
Here's where I died laughing, guys...19/

He gets up, pulls out his wife's chair, helps her put on her coat.

Every single word he has said to this point was masculine, economical, and to the point. He is every farmer, every fisherman, every man who doesn't have time for nonsense.

20/

And then he says this thing.

And the whole world lurches on its axis. I can't believe I heard it correctly. My husband and I both just STARED at each other.

21/

He stands still for a moment, and I swear to god without a SINGLE hint of irony, he says in the voice of a nine year old girl...

"I have to go tinkle."

22/

OH MY GOD.

23/

I had this guy in my mind as Tom Joad, I thought he was Clint Eastwood's tougher brother.

"I have to go tinkle."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

24/

Okay, to head this off, YES, he could have a bladder problem or health issue, I didn't get that impression, but it's possible and it's wrong to laugh at that.

BUT HOLY GOD BRUCE WILLIS'S TOUGH GUY DAD HAD TO DO A WEE.

25/

What made it so incredibly awesome is, I swear, you would never, ever, ever see this coming. He was SO completely old-school manly and firm and assured...

...and the tinkle voice was ABSOLUTELY presented in the voice of a middle-school girl passing a note in gym class.
26/

We are DYING. We are both dying inside. We can't laugh, they're perfectly nice people, and goddammit, SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO GO TINKLE.

TINKLE WAITS FOR NO MAN NOR BEAST.

27/

So the entire drive home, just the WORD 'tinkle' was breaking us up to the point where I had to pull over so I didn't drive us straight into a tree from laughing so hard.

TINKLE TINKLE LITTLE STAR
I'M GOING TO HIT A TREE WITH MY CAR

28/

We were envisioning great tough guy moments with this new line of killer dialogue

THUG (held over the Gotham streets): Who ARE you?
BATMAN: I'm BATMAN.
BATMAN (sweetly): I've got to tinkle.

GUARD: Now, Luke, didn't I tell you to get that dirt out of the boss's ditch?

COOL HAND LUKE (exhausted): Don't hit me no more, boss.

COOL HAND LUKE (suddenly): I've got to tinkle.

Holy crap, now I am completely alone in my dark office except for the doggos and they think I've lost my mind because I have the giggle fits again.

HOLY SHIT, NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO TINKLE.

It just goes to show what I've always said.

You can be King of the moon, or Queen of France
Nothing's as funny as the stuff in your pants
Whether superspy or presidential nominee
All the world over, all the people got to pee

Now excuse me, I have...er...a phone call.

On Happy Days, Fonzie was Henry Winkle
Now he says, "Aaayyy, it's COOL to tinkle!
And Angela Lansbury adds this new wrinkle
'I'll solve this murder but I got to go tinkle.'
At a Dean Martin roast he would often drinkle
And collapse on the floor laying in his own tinkle

I have work to do, dammit. I can't sit here and discuss old guy urine all day.

YOU PEOPLE ARE BAD INFLUENCE!

(Storms off, tinkling)