Thread by @GailSimone

You guys. You guys.

I...

If you are at work, you may want to mute this conversation. Fair warning.

We need to talk about my GameStop purchase yesterday.

Because what the holy fuck.

Me last night: oh, this game looks cute, I’ll buy this.

Me this morning: WHAT IN GOD’S NAME AM I PLAYING WHAT THE HELL HELL HELL HELL AM I PLAYING.

So I bought a Switch lite and I have been buying lots of games for long upcoming flights.

I swear everything I am saying about this game is true.

I have added nothing.

It was just on the rack at GameStop. Remember when Nintendo censored the blood in games?

HAVE A SEAT, SON.

You play one of two adorable, adorably voiced and scantily clad girl soldiers.

They are lesbian, both, I think, but one for sure.

Half their dialogue so far is the silly one trying to get the serious one to bang her.

One is themed to a rabbit, one to a turtle.

When you start off, you only have one outfit and one gun.

BUT you have a choice of underwear, either skimpy bra and panties, OR ‘sweet chocolate,’ which is just small gobs of chocolate covering your junk and nipples, barely.

THIS IS BEFORE YOU EVEN START PLAYING.

The soldiers are sent to a dormitory on Earth, they are from another planet, to learn how earth people connect to each other, because on their planet, people are not connecting and it’s destroying civilization.

But the soldiers are only a few inches tall.

Silly soldier WANTS to go because she thinks Earth girls are so hot so they send them to a dormitory where all the girls are hot Japanese girls, all with secrets.

They are not supposed to be observed but they end up wanting to help the dorm girls with their problems.

The WAY they help the girls is to sneak into their rooms and shoot them with special ‘happy guns’ that, when shot at the dorm girls’ asses, crotches and boobs, change the girls from sad to ‘flustered,’ and you get a little scene saying ENDORPHINS EXPLODE where the girls...well.

OH! And when the dorm girls are sad, little ‘aura balls’ fly out of them and if they hit the soldiers, their clothes break off.

So, you know, chocolate.

AND AND AND the silly one goes on and on about how hot the girls are, all in her adorable voice, and essentially she wants to lesbian up the giantesses...

Guys, everything about this game is wrong wrong wrong. It’s a terrible concept and you all should be ashamed it exists. I am embarrassed for humanity.

AND I CAN’T STOP PLAYING IT HELP HELP HELP

Some photos in case you thought I was exaggerating...this is an actual Switch release, available at GameStop.

More

ENDORPHINS EXPLODING!

This is your STARTING alternate underwear choice. RIGHT OUT THE GATE.

Oh, and I forgot another part! If the dorm girls spot you, you are in danger of losing the mission. So you have the option to do sexy cute poses that somehow make the giantesses forget you are right in front of them.

NO BIG DEAL, YOU GUYS.

It’s just your typical tiny alien lesbian military girls shooting at giant boobs and vagina with orgasm guns game!

I am sure that I should absolutely hate this game, and I have zero knowledge of whatever cultural elements are involved, but...

...dammit, give me my happy boobs bubble gun so I can do one more mission, all right?

So, all kidding aside, after I bought it I saw some bad reviews, and I have to say, I don’t really get it. I have only played a bit, but it’s super fun, a combination of weird adult hide and seek and Doom, but for asses.

The weird thing is, despite all the perving, it’s actually charming how the little pixie aliens come to care for the dorm girls and try to help them. It makes each mission kind of whimsical.

One thing is, this one dorm girl who is being fat-shamed a little, and I was thinking, oh, this is going to suck. But they completely subvert it, the pixie thinks she’s super hot as is, but they find out through searching that she is developing an eating disorder...

...so the mission becomes, not for her to diet, or to be the butt of jokes, but to get help because she’s stopped eating entirely and her health is suffering.

In a game with globs of chocolate for panties, I was not expecting THAT.

Anyway, I am sure someone’s going to be furious at me, but most games, you know, you actually shoot people’s heads off, and a game where little lesbian aliens learn to care about Giant Earth women is somehow both awful and incredibly fun.

Gun Gun Pixies,it’s called.

And I am still shocked Nintendo released it!

In other news, I also bought SEGA GENESIS COLLECTION for the Switch and all I could think was how much Sonic needs an orgasm gun and chocolate panties.