Lately, I've seen several discussions online involving people wondering how and when to comment on someone's weight loss. If you're interested in THIS fat girl's perspective, the answers are: DON'T and NEVER. 1/14
"But it's a compliment!" From your point of view, sure. But let me break down how this frequently lands on us, the fat people in question, which is hopefully what matters to you. 2/14
And this is even leaving aside the very real possibility that Person may have lost weight because of an illness, a loss, or other unpleasant cause, which would make comments a BAD IDEA. Let's assume they wanted to lose weight and worked hard to do so. STILL DON'T COMMENT. 3/14
I have lost noticeable weight many times in my life. And when someone compliments me on it, all that it does is confirm that people are paying attention to my body. I know it's true. I don't want to have it verified right in my face. 4/14
Everything you could say carries a tacit criticism. "You look great!" = you looked awful before. "Great job!" = you HAD been doing a bad job. "You've lost weight!" = I've been noticing your fatness all this time. I know these messages may not be intended. It doesn't matter. 5/14
Treating the Person the exact same way you did before, without commentary on their body, reassures them that their body is irrelevant to how you regard them, and that their diminished size doesn't make them Better in your eyes. 6/14
"But I want them to feel rewarded with compliments!" They will be rewarded, trust me. With easier clothes-shopping, better treatment from strangers, more comfortable fitting in seats and booths, and a zillion other societal reinforcements. 7/14
We don't need to be encouraged in our weight-loss efforts. That message comes through loud and clear from The World. What we need is for the people in our lives to let us know that we're the same people to them, and that we have worth that isn't connected to our size. 8/14
I won't claim that I've never commented on a friend/coworker/acquaintance's weight loss. But it's always someone with whom I have a pre-existing Weight-Loss-Related relationship and we've established that as something we share. Not a random person. 9/14
Of course, this is one Fat Girl's perspective. We are not a monolith and I'm sure lots of people would love to hear those compliments. But I also know lots of people share my feelings on this because I've heard them say it, and it's a pretty big percentage. 10/14
So do you want to play those odds with your Person? Or should you just restrain yourself from making conversation about the body of a person who's probably had to suffer through so many Conversations about their body that they could scream? It's Best Practices. 11/14
Of course this all presumes that a person's wish to comment on someone else's weight loss is motivated by care for that person. Lots of times, it's really to benefit themselves with feelings of superiority or condescension. If so, then fuck right off into the ocean. 12/14
If you really, sincerely, want to compliment your Person, and make them feel seen and valued, comment on something ELSE. Tell them you love their hair, their outfit, their lipstick shade. Something they CHOSE. Compliment their work or their attitude. Their personhood. 13/14
Compliment them on something that isn't connected to their weight loss. And if that's the first time you've ever done that, if it didn't occur to you to do so when they were fatter, maybe ask yourself why. 14/14
