Thread by @joe_rigney

So Gavin Ortlund's recommendation of Gregory the Great (

https://twitter.com/crossway/status/1195522142420586497?s=20

) reminded me of a little thing that I wrote (but never published) a few years ago. It was inspired by Bede's story of Gregory's role in sending the mission to the English. sourcebooks.fordham.edu/source/bede-gr…

Pope Gregory I had many accomplishments to his name. His book on pastoral care was a standard text in the Middle Ages. Calvin famously called him the last good pope. His liturgical reforms earned him the title “Father of Christian Worship.” 2/

His dialogues led the Eastern Church to call him “Gregory the Dialogist.” And, of course, he is most commonly called Gregory the Great. 3/

But a little known fact about Gregory is that, in addition to being the Apostle of the English for his initiation of the mission efforts to the island under Augustine of Canterbury, he is also the Patron Saint of Dad Jokes and Jesus Jukes. 4/

The following manuscript was discovered tucked behind a cask of beer in the ruins of the monastery at Jarrow. It is believed to be the text from which Bede derived his own account of the origins of the English mission.
5/

[Gregory, walking with two novices, Simeon and Matthias, in the marketplace at Rome. A number of merchants have just arrived from the northwestern provinces of the Roman empire] 6/

Gregory: Matthias, thank you for letting me know that the traders had arrived. You know I always love to visit the market when they return from their far voyages. Reminds me of my time in the East. I was even able to drag Simeon away from his studies. What say you, Simeon? 7/

Simeon: Sir, as I told you, I already came to the market with Matthias earlier & bought what I needed. I’d rather be at my books. And I don’t understand why you insist on coming to the market. You know you won’t buy anything.

Gregory: Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud. 8/

[Gregory notices some fair-skinned, fine-haired, and beautiful young men being put up on the slave auction]

Gregory: I’ve never seen boys who looked like that. Matthias, where did you say these traders came from?

Matthias: From Britannia, sir. 9/

Gregory: These young men are remarkable in their appearance.

Matthias: The merchant says that all the peoples of those provinces look like that.

Gregory: And are these peoples followers of our Lord or do they adhere to the false gods?

Matthias: They are pagans, sir.
10/

Gregory: A pity that the dark powers have possession of men of such fair countenance. The external face is so beautiful, but the heart is so void of grace. What did you say the name of their people is?

Matthias: They are called Angles, sir.
11/

Gregory [chuckling]: Yes, they are angels indeed, eh Simeon?

Simeon: Yes sir.

Gregory: We ought to pray that these *Angles* would become coheirs with the *angels*. Get it, Simeon? Angles, angels?

Simeon: Yes sir, I got it the first time. Good one. 12/

Gregory: Given their paganism, I suppose in this case, Satan is masquerading as an *Angle* of light. Heh heh heh. Get it, Simeon? Angle of light?

Simeon: Your jokes, sir, as always, are the highlight of my day.
13/

Gregory: Oh lighten up, Simeon. What was the name of their province, Matthias?

Matthias: Deira, sir.

Gregory: Deira. Deira. What can I do with “Deira”? Yes, Deira. I’ve got it now.
14/

Gregory: By the mercy of Christ, they shall be saved *de ira*, from the wrath of God. Get it, Simeon? It’s a Latin joke. De ira means “from the wrath of God.” And these Angles from Deira must be delivered de ira in order to dwell with the angels. Ha ha ha ha! 15/

Simeon: Your humor never ceases to amaze, sir.

Gregory: Oh Simeon, you are such a sour puss. Have a little fun, won’t you? Matthias, what is the name of the king of these people?

Simeon [looking up with recognition]: Don’t answer that, Matthias. 16/

Gregory: What are you talking about, Simeon? Tell me, Matthias, what is the name of their king?

Simeon: Don’t answer, Matthias. I’ll clean your cell for a week. Just don’t tell him the name of the king.
17/

Gregory: Matthias, I order you, as your superior, to tell me the name of the king.

Matthias: His name is Alle, sir.

18/

Gregory [looking at Simeon]: I see. Yes. Alle, is it? Perhaps we can help this King Alle to sing—wait for it—Allelujah! Hahaha. Get it, Simeon? Alle can sing Allelujah! Won’t it be great when the Angles sing with the angels & their king Alle echoes their Allelujah? Hahahahaha 19/

Simeon: I can’t handle this.

Gregory: Perhaps his queen is named Sannah? And when you want to get her to stop singing you can call out “Ho Sannah”? Hahahahaha!
20/

Simeon: I’m going home.

Gregory: Nice to you meet you, Going Home. I’m Gregory. Hahahahaha!

[Manuscript ends here]