Thread by @RemakingManhood

TREAD: Men and Source of Our Sexual Scarcity Thinking-->
The source of men's sexual scarcity thinking is rooted in how we raise our own sons. In an ironic twist, we think too much gentle platonic touch will ruin our boys; will make them too needy; will make them weak. /1

Comforting touch is withdrawn from American boys at an early age. While toddlers are held and comforted, boys as young as five and six are encouraged to “shake it off” and “man up” when they are hurt. /2

Young boys find that their options for gentle platonic touch simply fade away. Boys who cry when injured are stigmatized as crybabies; expected to suppress their more fragile emotions. /3

By the time they are approaching puberty, most boys have learned to touch only in aggressive ways through roughhousing or team sports. Boys who might seek gentler longer forms of platonic touch are immediately at risk of a homophobic backlash. /4

When boys do seek gentle touch in their lives, it is expected to take place in the exclusive and highly sexualized context of dating. This puts massive amounts of pressure on young girls; young girls who are unlikely to be able to shoulder the emotional burden this represents. /5

Meanwhile, boys who are gay face the loneliness inducing double whammy of touch isolation and homophobia. /6

The lifelong lack of platonic touch in boys lives ultimately results in the loss for them of the clear distinction between platonic touch and sexual touch. /7

Young men starving for touch seek it in the sexual realm, either in a constant cycle of hook up sex, or sometimes, exclusively from a single partner. This makes frequency of sex a challenging issue for couples. /8

Men key on sex in an attempt to bridge our way back to the gentle comforting touch of our distant childhoods, the pure first experience of touch in our lives that can never quite be recaptured or recalled. Sex takes on the role of fulfilling our sexual and platonic touch needs /9

The result? Men background all other positives in our romantic relationships, judging every interaction against the sexual pleasure metric. And it is here where the true cost of cutting boys off from platonic touch plays out. /10

Having no other conduit to physical comfort but sexualized touch can lead to an obsessive focus on just that. For many men, sex becomes validation, plain and simple. Sexual frequency becomes everything; the metric for defining a good life. /11

In long term relationships this can be a challenging burden.

“Are we going there? Will I get there? Can we have sex, yet?” Many men are trapped in an epidemic of sexual scarcity thinking. The moment we have sex, we are on to advocating for the next opportunity. /12

But many of us are also terribly prone to approaching sex mechanically, staring inward at our own flaring confusion instead of looking outward into the mysterious miracle of our partners. /13

And in that moment, sex becomes another exercise in internalizing our experiences instead of surrendering to emotional interdependence, which we have never learned to engage. In relationship after relationship, romance withers. Sex falls off. /14

As our relationships falter, we men remain willing to go to the well of cold mechanical sex, long after our lovers have lost their passion for it, because like everything else in our emotional landscapes, we have confused the mechanics of contact with truly connecting /15

Sex speaks to the wounded little boy and his endless appetite for me, me, me. And drowned out by our relentless emphasis on sex, every other gesture of caring in all the other parts of our relationships are not marked; are not valued. /16

Instead, the only marker of a happy relationship for us is frequency of sex. Which, because we avoid emotional intimacy, is fueled by the dehumanizing narratives of porn instead of the deeper resonance of love and authentic connection. /17

It ain’t a pretty picture. And men and women share in what has been created. Because when men and women raise boys and then, at some point, cut them off from comforting touch and connection, we sever their connection to the security they need to develop emotionally. /18

This is what is behind the attachment parenting movement. This is why consistent physical contact; hugs and touch are so central to the healthy development of children. /19

This is why we have to make space for physical and emotional connection with our boys in the same way we do with our daughters, because the fallout of failing to do so can be catastrophic. /20

But there is good news. Change is happening. There is a huge cultural shift taking place. This is why this generation of full-time stay at home dads, and more fully engaged working dads are proving to be such a transformative force in American culture. /21

As dads, we are presented with the absolute necessity to hold and comfort our own wonderful children. We are learning about loving platonic touch in the most powerful and life affirming way; in ways that previous generations of men simply were not immersed in. /22

Once you have held your sleeping child night after night or walked for years with their hand in yours, you are a changed person. You gain a fluency and confidence in platonic touch that you will never loose. /23

It is a powerful gift of comforting platonic contact, passed back and forth between us and our children that literally has the capacity to free the next generation of boys and men from isolation that haunts so many men. /24

To see the entire article on medium, go here: medium.com/@remakingmanho…

Addendum inspired by @matheus_charles
Boys and men cut off from platonic affection and contact are cut off from all of the emotional and relational connection that comes along with that kind of contact. The absence of platonic touch is a marker for the absence of much more. /26

@matheus_charles It is in relationally and emotionally authentic platonic connections/friendships that much of our human trauma and anxiety is processed and healed. In the absence of connection, anxiety rises, which we seek to address via self medication, aggression and often, sex. /27

@matheus_charles For men to be healthy, we need a robust circle of authentic affectionate friendships. This helps and resources not only men but our romantic partners as well (be they men or women or none binary people), who are relieved of the otherwise solo work of supporting us emotionally /28

@matheus_charles There are many, many nuances in what I have written here and in my article, so please consider it broad brush and the beginning of a conversation about human connection, not a final statement. Both men and women have blind spots and challenges around all of this, me included. /29

@matheus_charles Want more? This thread is based on one of the chapters in my book Remaking Manhood. It is a collection of articles on fatherhood, masculinity and the joy of being human. Available globally at Amazon --> amazon.com/Remaking-Manho…