Thread by @RemakingManhood

THREAD: Why are some men uncomfortable with a partner who earns more or has a higher level of education? That's more economic stability and resources for the family, right? /1

Man box culture has conditioned generations of men to see themselves as providers, not care-givers. This central frame for man box masculinity falters if women earn more and, even worse, start demanding equal effort from men in housework and care giving to children. /2

This "men as breadwinners" frame, born at the turn of the last century when the industrial revolution shifted men away from the farm and onto the factory floor, cut men off from home life, re-defining what had been shared work, as women's work. /3

Which suited men in a patriarchal culture just fine. Men had control of all economic resources, spending. In this way, women, who were not allowed to earn, were at the mercy of their husband's benevolence, accepting whatever level of fidelity or compassion was offered. /4

Fast forward a few generations and women, who globally have come to quite rightfully associate education with personal freedom and autonomy, are pursuing education as a way to insure they do not fall prey to men's assumptions of authority. /5

The "men as breadwinner" frame, which still underpins our dominant culture of masculinity, means that men, consciously or unconsciously, associate care giving and housework with the submissive position. Which is why working women struggle to get husbands to do house work /6

Some men don't fear sharing that they have less education then their female partners. It is refreshing to hear when men do this. REALLY, it is. I have a bachelor's degree. My partner has a doctorate. But this kind of educational imbalance remains stigmatizing in our culture. /7

Men who have less earning power, who face unemployment, who are under educated, face the cultural implication that they are failing to be "the breadwinner." Contrast that with the vocal pride of the stay at home dad movement in which fathers are primary care givers. /8

The sad fact is, the level of pride and productivity in the home, celebrated by stay at home dads in the millions, is an option for any man who might choose that exhausting and rewarding work. But many will never see it that way. They are too invested in man box culture. /9

Men uncomfortable with having less economic/educational power than their wives, likely have no history which modeled for them collaboration between a man and an economically equal or more powerful spouse. /10

This is a fear based response, the result of our dominance based bullying culture of manhood, which models all relationships as inherently unequal. Man box culture forces men to rely on power over others vs. power created with others. Making many of us "equality illiterate." /11

Growing up in violent bullying man box culture has indelibly stamped on men that, when push comes to shove, power will be used to dominate. So, we cling to symbols of hierarchy in our home life. Doing housework is submissive. Women do that. Even women who have worked all day. /12

Many women also have internalized man box culture. Men who falter in their "breadwinner" role are shamed as not real men, sometimes by their own spouses. Retrogressive views of masculinity can haunt couples, even those who are modeling a more progressive power arrangement. /13

Moving to new gender models for earning, house work, care giving and shared power will require a new way of looking at the value of all work. For partners, negotiating these shifting status issues, will be an ongoing task. Learning to do this shared power dance is crucial. /14

As men, we need to set aside our culture's destructive reliance on creating power over and instead engage in relationships based on creating power with, our partners, our communities and in our workplaces. Power over and gender binaries are isolating, damaging illusions. /15

Men must lead in ending our culture's toxic man box models of power and control. We must move beyond versions of manhood that are deeply isolating and unsatisfying for us. We can grow real connection and community, something so many men lack.
We. Must. Make. The. Change. /16

Want to break out of the man box? First, see the culture. Then, change the culture. Get Mark Greene's The Little #MeToo Book for Men. amazon.com/Little-MeToo-B… /17

For those who prefer, this thread exists, in an expanded form, as an article on Medium. medium.com/@remakingmanho… /18

Oh, and also this: For the record, the implications of my saying all this at this point in the long history of patriarchy is not lost on me. IE: now that men are doing housework, caring for children, NOW it’s time to acknowledge the value of that challenging work. /19

It’s got to be bloody aggravating for so many women, I know. Especially if they still can’t get help cleaning the toilets in their own homes. /20