Thread by @davejorgenson

For an entire year, an 11-year-old Harry Potter took classes from a guy with a face on the back of his head, while his best friend had a full-grown adult man in his pocket.

Ron just accepted a grown dude lived with his family as a pet rat and quickly focused all of his emotions on a school dance

11-year-old Harry: Hagrid definitely still uses his wand.

Everyone else: I guess it’s just a quirky pink umbrella!!!

So no one else in Gryffindor, throughout an entire school year, was like,

“Wait, Hermione has a different class with you at the same time she’s in my class.......?”

Harry and Ginny’s kids definitely aren’t allowed to have diaries

Imagine hiding under Hogwarts for 1000 years and the first human you see is Moaning Myrtle

(Sorry, Myrtle)

Dean Thomas went home to all his Muggle friends who love soccer and was like, "I'm a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team."

It's 2019 and very likely that Professor Binns still doesn't know he's dead.

Neville just gave up on Trevor, huh

The backstory for the Hufflepuff ghost is that he is overweight

If Diagon Alley has an eye doctor, they are definitely a Squib.

Sorry, no. Only the best Mandrake potion for our petrified children. They will have to wait until Professor Sprout's is ready.

Voldemort was a functioning hoarder.

“I could throw this diary away or I could kill someone and put 1/7th of my soul inside it.”

- Voldemort, a hoarder

Colin Creevey was petrified his first year of Hogwarts, then killed by a Death Eater in his seventh year, but Harry’s only reaction is “ugh no pictures.”

Is Marietta Edgecomb’s face back to normal yet?

If the Weasley family all stood next to each other on Christmas, it would say AMBCPFGRG

If Charlie, Ron, Mr. Weasley, Mrs. Weasley and Percy stood next to each other on Christmas, they would say CRAMP.

Buckbeak? No, this identical creature owned by the same person who owned Buckbeak two years ago is named Witherwings.

No one else in Hogwarts had red hair.

Fred and George had a 2000 Wizard Sports Almanac and no one even cares

Albus: I know literally everything.

Aberforth: People don’t talk about goats enough.

“The four of us all happen to have alliterative names, perhaps we should start a wizarding school!”

“Yes fine but I also want my house’s mascot to continue the alliteration.”

“Oh, perfect - Godric, your house mascot will be a griffin.”

“I want it to be a lion!”

“But-“

“WE ARE LIONS!!”

“I’ll take the brave!”

“I value the cleverest!”

“I want the most ambitious.”

“Who’s hungry??”

Muggles have Find My iPhone.

For wizards, a presumed dead Death Eater has to shoot a widely feared signal into the sky with your wand.

Ollivander would be a very inefficient Genius Bar employee

It’s the new Nimbus Two Thousand!

The Nimbus Two Thousand and One!

The Firebolt is here!

Ok, enough brooms.

Does the Firebolt get a software upgrade?

It’s all fun and games until a young wizard practicing Apparition splinches a vital organ in two pieces

Hermione's parents:

*find out magic exists and that their daughter is a witch*

*send her to a school called "Hogwarts"*

*likely meet Krum, a "Quidditch" player*

*have her wiped from their own memories*

*meet a stranger who brings back memories of her, their witch daughter*

Argus Filch is the most tragic character in Harry Potter. He knows magic exists. His parents were magical. He can see magic. He works in a school of magic. But he can’t perform it.

Winky the House-Elf just kept drinking I guess

The very first wizard family Harry meets and he’s like, ok that one is my best friend, that one can help me secretly get rid of a dragon, that’s my stand-in mom, he’s gonna lose an ear for me, oh and I’ll marry her.