Thread by @PharoahMelvin

2020 PREDICTIONS THREAD

1) rappers start carrying blinged out medieval weaponry around as a status symbol. Offset has an especially impressive ceremonial mace made of fossils or something

2) brief resurgence of the Harambe meme for some reason

3) isopods become a trendy pet, especially for those weird “goth witch” e-girl types who like astrology

4) the homeless decide that living in the sewers is warm and cheap, they begin to create subterranean communities down there. It’s the best place to get food drugs, and incredibly dangerous. cops can’t shut it down, it’s a lot like the hive cities in 40K

5) the uber-rich become aware that they don’t have to wear suits to work anymore, since they own the company anyway. They begin to dress like supervillains, wear capes, dress in armor, etc., this is actually pretty badass

6) Papa John’s “Day of Reckoning” happens, a lot of really fucked up stuff is revealed about not only Papa John’s, but fast food as a whole. Similar to Epstein and the Panama Papers though, this is largely ignored by the mainstream news. No one really cares.

7) DARPA reveals their cyber-suit super soldiers. It’s kinda cool, but overall pretty disappointing, expensive, and they barely see any actual deployment.

8) men’s fashion starts incorporating more braiding of hair, and large moustaches. Beards are braided, and cool little gold rings are added to the beards. overall, this mostly affects white guys and it’s seen as really badass for like a year, then it’s seen as hipster-shit

9) technology sorta starts to stagnate even more. China maybe goes to the moon or something, but the West just invests their time in pumping out better Bluetooth speakers, etc.. some cool breakthroughs are made though, namely better batteries, but that’s about it. No flying cars.

10) the African-American community develops a new religion or gets really into Zoroastrianism or something. Idk, it’ll be weird.

11) despite technological advancement stagnating, the techwear thing will really take off in big cities for a while, ruralites will see it as being dumb, but people dress more like cyberpunk characters

12) a dentist in Connecticut will commit a really fucked up crime. Like unheard of levels of debauchery. this will be the most publicly watched trial of the decade, and will shock and disgust millions

13) pregnant celebrities will post their ultrasound pictures on the internet. someone will have twins and call them “wombmates”

14) some pornstar gets surgery to add a third breast like the girl from Total Recall

15) freak snowstorm in Brazil, many in the global south see this as sone sort of religious miracle

16) Buddhist extremist violence becomes commonplace. millions of white people in California stop pretending to be Buddhist due to this.

17) pirate radio stations and abuse of HAM radio communication become popular. The FCC decides it isn’t worth it to try to stop this.

18) TikTok related suicides skyrocket

19) fossils or ruins of some kind discovered in Antarctica, this spawns all sorts of conspiracy theories and accusations of the discovery being a hoax

20) a Huffington Post article comes out saying that being gay is somehow racist

21) something really really bad will happen to Jeff Bezos. My guesses are that he will be killed by one of his own workers, get a weird disease, or be crushed by a robot he owns in a freak accident.

22) sex doll malfunctions, cutting a man in Florida’s dick off

23) HUGE cave system will be discovered somewhere, there are weird animals and possibly a tribe of albinos living there

24) midget slavery legalized in Saudi Arabia

25) children as young as 4 become bodybuilders

26) tattoos with optical illusions become popular briefly

27) usage of the word “cummies” becomes incredibly taboo, possibly even illegal. people will use it anyway though, and someone will end up beaten to death for it.

28) cities become overcrowded, run out of space. To combat this, buildings are designed with more and more basement levels, and tunnels between these buildings will exist. huge labyrinths of underground offices and malls will become normal.

29) NFL becomes unpopular due to the game being politicized and too slow. Normal football will be replaced with a more violent version with no stoppage time. In this new version, steroids, blood doping, and cybernetic augmentations will not only be allowed, but encouraged.

30) aliens will make contact with humanity, find out about gay marriage, and decide that we aren’t worth their time

31) Lizzo will die of a heart attack

32) large shoulder pads and capes will become part of formal wear little by little, your boss will dress like an 1800’s naval officer by the end of the decade

33) it will come out that the Chinese government has been lying about their population data, reducing the number in the books on world population by about half a billion

34) ancient burial grounds deep under the Gobi desert will change the way we look at human history, Mongolian racists will benefit the most from this development.

35) the US government will allow Puerto Rico to become a state, but not want to change the amount of stars on the flag. To keep the number at 50, North and South Dakota will be merged into Dakota.

36) disenfranchised and bored young men looking for adventure will accept payment to join militias in the third world for petty civil wars. a guy you went to high school with will probably end up beheading a man in Uganda and drinking his blood

37) new cars will be designed to look more like the Tesla cybertruck (weird and polygonal), or more like the banshees and ghosts from Halo.

38) there will be a really bizarre set of events that will involve Barack Obama going on a game show, dressing as a samurai, and becoming disgraced for some weird sexual activity. everyone will forget about the whole thing after like 6 months

39) bulletproof chest armor covered in Bluetooth speakers similar to plate carriers will be invented, inner city gangs and the sewer people will all have at least one member of the group wearing this to turf wars, as a sort of gangsta rap neo-bard

40) Japan’s birth rates will skyrocket when Shinzo Abe, in a last ditch effort, makes pornography fully illegal, and marriage mandatory for anyone over the age of 30

41) anti-gang gangs will form, as a sort of vigilante thing. this will be far more effective than the police, especially at fighting sewer riots. the most powerful one will be a group of Protestants with blunderbusses who dress like cyber-pilgrims in robes covered in scripture

42) a surgery to flavor/color your cum will be invented. the most popular options will be purple with grape soda flavor, and glow in the dark with watermelon flavor

43) 6ix9ine will be elected to some small town local government position, possibly as a sheriff

44) a child born in Mexico will have some freakish deformity causing all kinds of anti-Christ rumors. his name will be Eduardo, and he will grow up to be a somewhat successful meteorologist

45) the elderly will start dueling with swords. this will have something to do with feeling like they wasted their lives watching TV and wanting badass deaths. no one can really stop them, as they all have dementia, swords, and are close to death anyway.

46) the Mexican government will fully collapse in some areas, being replaced by cartels. this will be overall a good thing for people in cartel territory, as the cartels are actually less corrupt than the government.

47) everyone will collectively decide that coffee tastes like warm dirty water, and coffee shops will face great financial hardships, selling smoothies and energy drinks to stay afloat. this will lead to years of “barista riots”

48) criminals will start going to law school in order to learn loopholes in the system, and start doing lucrative sketchy shit that’s definitely morally wrong, but somehow technically legal

49) Stonehenge will be destroyed, releasing a powerful snake god, named Set-Fl’thûs, into our world. he’ll be very confused by modernity at first, and end up deciding that world domination isn’t worth it. he will end up getting an apartment in Philly and rip a bong all day

50) right wing extremists all over the world will start book clubs, garden clubs, knitting clubs, etc. in an effort to be more traditional. ironically, this will merge the grandma community with the Neo-Nazi community, providing cookies to racists, and radicalizing your grandma

51) Drake will be practically synonymous with R. Kelly, trust me.

52) frosted tips will become fashionable again to the point where men will bleach the tips of their facial hair

53) it will be discovered not only that elves were real, but that they were horribly genocided about 3000 years ago. Elven Holocaust memorial museums will be set up in most major cities.

54) thousands of Amazon drones will be deployed for deliveries, but quickly recalled when people just start bashing them with rocks and stealing the packages inside

55) a bad foreign song like Gangnam style will become wildly popular, Cee-Lo Green will release an unofficial remix of it, and someone will be killed over royalties

56) instead of just having normal cookouts, suburban dads will do historical re-enactments of ancient pagan rituals in their backyard, and model trains will be involved somehow. This is due to each of them having different weird hobbies and trying to connect with their kids

57) the queen of England and Betty White will swap lives. No one will notice except for the queen’s dogs.

58) new music genres will explode. Some include:
-ocean dirges
-goth pop
-gender metal
-electro folk
-sun worship gospel rap
-SoundCloud screamo-country
-immigrant sex rock
-samurai-synth
-libertarian rap constructed entirely from Stephen Molyneaux voice clips

59) nuclear energy will become more taboo, probably made illegal, despite being pretty much the only thing that can save the environment

60) interest in space travel will increase, but the government probably won’t do anything to advance this. NASA will instead focus on social justice and fighting flat-earthers

61) drill sergeants will be replaced with MILFs, after the US government does studies that reveal that boobs motivate men far more than getting yelled at.

62) saying the N-word will be made illegal. Ironically this harms black communities the most, and is repealed quickly. this makes saying the N-word socially acceptable for white people too

63) there will be another terrorist attack on a September 11th. This will make it incredibly confusing when people talk about 9/11 as so one will know which 9/11 you’re talking about. People will just end up calling it 9/11 2.

64) there will be a 6 month period where billions of people have the same dreams. they’ll mostly focus on wandering an ancient city made of black steel under a green starry sky. This will be completely unexplained, but it will stop the day that Bill Gates is found dead of coke OD

65) It will be revealed that Mike Pence was actually two twin brothers pretending to be the same guy this whole time.

66) the Seven Years War will be changed in the history books to being considered World War 0, which will confuse the fuck out of nerds

67) incels will start summoning succubi and shooting them with squirt guns full of holy water in order to purify them into goth gfs, causing a glut in the goth girl market

68) someone will find the Apple terms of service burned into their toast. Tim Cook will pay them $3million for the piece of toast, then realize there’s a typo in it and commit suicide.

69) Silly Bandz will become popular again, but instead of wearing them, kids will eat them.

70) in NYC, the mob decides what they really love is to have power, and become cops. At the same time, cops all decide that what they really love is beating the shit out of people and extortion and become mobsters.
no one notices this, and Italian in Italian violence continues

71) scientists bring back wooly mammoths with science and maybe black magic, but some escape, becoming the next feral hogs

72) in order to circumvent Affirmative Action and get into college easier, white people start identifying as ancient tribes, like Scythians, the Suebi, Turkic Steppe Peoples, the Beaker People, the Yanmaya, and Celts

73) super-viagra invented, and recalled almost immediately due to causing minor penis explosions and hypertension

74) Siege masks become incredibly common at raves, it becomes nearly impossible to tell wignats from EDM kids, and Skrillex starts b*mbing f*deral b*ildings

75) Charlie Kirk will get face enlargement surgery, give up politics, and become a tiktok star.

76) an African warlord gets a hold of a nuclear weapon, ends up shooting it into the Sahara desert and killing 12 people

77) the Cookie Monster is officially recognized as a hate symbol by the ADL

78) jerking off is made illegal in India, but not enforced on a large scale. However, this does result in a decline in asking to “open bobs”, as there is a death penalty for doing so

79) suburban women who sell essential oils are arrested for participating in pyramid schemes

80) scientists determine that time is moving faster, this is worrying on an existential level, but no one really talks about it, and everyone kinda saw it coming anyway

81) flat Mountain Dew bottled by Nestle and sold as “Moon Juice”, no one notices and it makes millions

82) along with sewer communities, the homeless also form pseudo Mongolian nomadic hobo tribes, building yurts, playing harmonica music, hunting in the wilderness with spears, and bartering homemade goods in public parks. I’m honestly surprised they haven’t done this already

83) Jeffrey Epstein found alive in the Bahamas, goes to prison, “dies” again

84) women stop trying to get tan, being pale is seen as more attractive, and tanning beds are seen as tacky. for men, tanning is still cool for surfers, but most guys try to cultivate an Edward Cullen aesthetic

this is mostly a status symbol, as working outdoors causes tanning

85) people start walking their cats like they walk dogs, cats are also bred to be larger

86) Garfield live action remake (no CGI)

87) extreme GrubHub related violence. if you thought the Popeyes chicken sandwich thing was bad, you haven’t seen anything yet.

88) robes and dusters become more common, mostly because they look badass, but also because they help you conceal anything you have on your body, whether that’s a secret bag of valuables, or a hidden weapon. These also protect from cold weather and sandstorms, which become common

89) sending a dick pic will often be accompanied by the phrase “ay yo, peep my meat”. this will take decades to go out of style, and will become commonly used whenever anyone’s dick is out, even just to pee in public restrooms

90) sexual deviancy will surpass heart disease as the leading cause of death

91) in an effort to be more inclusive, police forces will be made entirely of effeminate homosexual men, most of which will not fare well when trying to suppress subterranean sewer riots of roided out homeless bodybuilding mutants

92) steroids will become the most popular recreational drug in certain communities, as they objectively give you super strength

93) gorillas exhibit more understanding of sign language and human communication, one begins to wear human clothing and hosts a popular TV show

94) Yeti brand thermoses are exclusively used to keep alcohol cold, and as a result, Yeti begins to package their products already full of vodka

95) magnet trains will be built in America, but the track is from Boston to New York only or something, you’d only ever be able to ride it if you live in a big city and it’s disappointing

96) good news: medieval style guilds will come back. It’s like a union, but fucking badass as shit, and you can have a master-apprentice relationship and learn skills from a respected craftsman. this also leads to a renaissance in blacksmithing amongst dads and hipsters

97) some sort of cataclysmic event will actually push a huge landmass out of the Pacific Ocean. it will quickly be colonized by Asians and become a sort of Japanese neo-Atlantis

98) Latin will cease to be a dead language due to new common core curriculum in Vermont, Montana, Michigan, Maine, and New Hampshire, making these states a sort of hyperborean Rome, the generation after Zoomers exclusively speaks Latin so old people won’t understand them.

99) the barter system replaces crypto currency. In order to buy drugs online, you’ll have to mail the drug dealer shiny rocks, seashells, glass beads, and bicycle parts (used to make chainsaw swords). this makes bartering popular everywhere as a weird hobby.

100) you, yes YOU, the KING reading this thread of tweets WILL get a gf. keep your chin up bro, your snapback is falling :)