Thread by @Hejeoma

#Thread
Make I put disclaimer before dem do meeting for my head.

CAVEAT!
1The stories I tell are 'factions'; a mixture of facts & fiction. What is fact & what is fiction is only known to me, this a creative enterprise using humour & plain story-telling to entertain, teach &

2. learn as well from your feedbacks. Names & incidences do not represent actual persons or experiences. I’m only using my literary licence, not motor licence O! Ehen!”
'Andrew, I'm checking out' is a phrase that started as far back as the 80's, it was made popular by veteran

3. actor Enebele Elebuwa in a popular TV promo about a young man named Andrew who got fed up with the country & decided to leave for good. Clutching his portomanteau who declare “Men, no light, no water, no job…I'm tired of this country …I'm checking out.' My people, no be

4. today. As at 2009, we went visiting friends in festac & saw people crowding an area where they have these 'wait & take (instant pics)' photographers. I asked my friend why the crowd & she said 'everyone seems to be trying the visa lottery stuff, unfortunately many will end up

5. being scammed.' People leaving the country for another didn't start today & Nigerians are not the first. There are Americans & Britons all over the UAE, Chinese & Indians have a higher migration rate than we do. This reminds me of an inlaw who checked out in the early 80's.

6. Back then my inlaws were fresh young men & women who were at the prime of their careers, they had this one brother who just wouldn't fit into anything. He couldn't hold on to a job for more than 6months even though he was a graduate. He had an elder brother who was in the army

7. who had this thing of guiding people close to him interested in the military to join either as recruits, short service officers or as students/cadets(NDA and NMS). The soldier called him one day & said guy how far? I heard you lost your job with Gongoni, kano. Come let me

8. help you enter the army. Bros told his elder brother, which yeye army? How much are they paying? Tomorrow they will plot coup & kill only Igbo soldiers. You people have refused to learn any lesson from the civil war, continue but I am not interested. Ah Ah my brother! I am

9. only trying to help you, it doesn't give you the right to insult my job. Brother I am not insulting your job, if you want to help me use your contacts to help me travel to America! Hmmm! America? Who do you know in America? His elder brother asked? I have 2 of my friends that

10. are doing fine, I will stay with either of them until I settle down he replied. Ok nna his elder brother replied. I will see what I can do.A few months later his elder brother helped him with money, documents & he got a visa for the US. At that time, there was no email,

11. social media or cell phones. If you needed to contact someone overseas, you either use landlines, nitel call cards, telex, fax or sending snail mail. When bros arrived America, he sent his elder brother a letter after a full year. In the letter he apologised for writing to

12. him late but also promised to stay in touch. He then gave his brother a number where he could reach him & an address for mails. They would exchange letters like 5 times in 2 years. The soldier who tried calling a few times never ever got him on the phone because the number

13. he gave wasn't he's, rather it was the phone number of the store where he did a part time job as a cleaner. They would later fix a particular time when the soldier could call & get him on the phone. As time flew by, bros had spent 8 years in the US & never in that time had

14. he ever visited Nigeria. Then the soldier had a coursemate who was being sent by the army to the US for a course, he told his friend to please look out for his brother & tell him that he was desperate to hear from him. The traveling friend spent 6 months in America before

15. returning to Nigeria to tell him that 'oga, e no easy for your brother. I see am only 2 times when I reach even though na the same state we dey. E dey do up to 3 work at a time, even to serve for restaurant follow for him work. You now na big man for here, help your brother

16. to come back abeg'. Some years later there father died. The soldier sent a letter to his brother telling him of the burial arrangements & asking if he would come back home for their dads funeral. Bros eventually called his elder brother, on the phone they both cried about

17. their late dads passing before he said he had exams slated for the same period their dad was being buried. They both decided it wouldnt be wise for him to return.Their dad was eventually laid to rest without bros coming home. A few years later, their mum fell sick & said she

18. wouldn't want to be buried without her favorite son, bros being home for her funeral. The soldier called him & told him what their mother said. Bros said, God is in control, mama will not die yet. In less than 6 months, mama died & bros was informed. Bros told his elder

19. brother not to be quick in picking a date for the funeral so he could make adequate arrangements to return home. This made them keep their mums remains in the mortuary for close to a year. After several back & forth calls/letters, they eventually picked a date & bros returned

20. to bid his mother farewell. At this time, bros had married a black American woman he met at a shop he worked in & they had a daughter together. Bros arrived Lagos with his family for his mothers funeral. He bought a few things coming from th US like chocolates, face caps,

21. sweets, biscuits etc. It was the advent of CD players so bros also came home with a 2 loader CD player. As they arrived Lagos, bros hired a car that would take his things to Owerri while he flew down with his family. His elder brother at the time had risen to the rank of

22. colonel in the army, he sent a staff car & driver to go pick his brother at the airport & bring him to the village where they were preparing for their mums burial in a few days. On getting to the village everything had changed, his elder brother the soldier had already

23. built a massive duplex of 12 bedrooms, 2 living rooms etc & enough space to take over 10 cars. Bros couldn't believe his eyes. They have 2 sisters, one had risen to the position of bank manager while the other had joined the Navy & was a lieutenant at the time. Both sisters

24. were married, they all came home with their husbands & kids. He opted to stay with his wife & kid at the old house built by their late parents but his elder brother refused saying you can't bring your American wife, daughter to stay in the old house. You guys can use two

25. rooms in my house since they are all fitted with modern amenities. They eventually buried their mother, few days later drama started. Their first daughter has a son who was in the university at the time, we all know how most undergrads are with money, cloths & gadgets. This

26. young man was due back to school & on the day he was to leave, he went into the room his uncle was staying,took his uncles CD player & a $100 note he saw in a drawer. Later that evening the uncles, aunt & mum who had gone to their maternal home returned to the villa only for

27. bros to start screaming that his CD player & money he left in the drawer were no longer there. Ah Ah! Who would have taken it? Then a maid in the house admitted that she saw Ifeanyi (aunties son) putting the CD into a car that came to pick him. They eventually concluded that

28. if Ifeanyi took the CD, he must have taken the money too. Oya bros calm down, its already late, tomorrow we will take a car & driver to Enugu to confront Ifeanyi. Bros wouldn't have any of it! He kept barking all over the house, do you know how much that CD cost me? What

29. about all the discs he took? 14 discs! Do you know how many jobs I had to do to save money to buy these things & come back? He turned to his sister, is this how you have raised your son? To be a thief? If he doesn't return the CD & money, I will lock him up! That was when

30. his elder brother the soldier intervened! Will you shut up your dirty mouth! I do not want to hear a single word about locking anybody up in this house! His is our son & has done what most young boys do, when I visit him tomorrow I will handle the situation. Bros turned on

31. his elder brother, shut up! instead of condeming him you are supporting him! I work hard for my money unlike you people! The soldier didn't allow him finish, you are mad! May Amadioha strike you down! It is not the things the young man took that is your anger, it is envy

32. that your sisters have done better than you! Are you planning on going back to America with the CD? So you cant leave $100 for your nephew? You are an idiot! Did anyone force you to America? Did I not give you several opportunities here? This boy you are threatening, did you

33. not do worse than he has done? Did you not steal my motorbike when we were younger? Did anyone hear my voice? Since you have decided to be stupid & insult me in my own house oya pack your things, go stay in Papa & mamas house. If you ever decide to come to Nigeria again,

34. you will be staying there or you build your own house! You are no longer welcome to stay in my house since I did not suffer to earn my money! They would eventually reconcile before bros left for the US. Bros hasn't been back since then neither has bros molded a single block

35. in his hometown. His elder brother has since retired from the army & has lots of businesses he owns. They will tell you of those who went to saner climes & succeeded but will not mention those who live like bros. They will tell you of unemployed people in Nigeria but will

36. not tell you of those who have made fortunes from hardwork. Please if you want to leave, by all means leave but stop screaming that the sky is falling! People don dey shout Nigeria dey crash before them born us but in the end; Nigeria Go Survive, Nigeria will succeed!