Should I give in and see Rise of Skywalker tonight?
Alright, alright, fine! Christ, the things I do to produce #content for you people, 
ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT
COMMITTE DESIGNED CORPORATE PABLUM AT ITS WORST
LITERALLY THE MOST PANDERING BS I’VE EVER SEEN
MAKES PHANTOM MENACE LOOK LIKE A CONEMATIC ACHIEVEMENT ON PAR WITH CITIZEN KANE
I AWARD NEGATIVE TWO BILLION STARS AND HOPE GOD HAS NO MERCY TO GIVE
COMMITTE DESIGNED CORPORATE PABLUM AT ITS WORST
LITERALLY THE MOST PANDERING BS I’VE EVER SEEN
MAKES PHANTOM MENACE LOOK LIKE A CONEMATIC ACHIEVEMENT ON PAR WITH CITIZEN KANE
I AWARD NEGATIVE TWO BILLION STARS AND HOPE GOD HAS NO MERCY TO GIVE
I’M FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW
I SWEAR TO GOD IF THERE’S A MCU STYLE AFTER CREDIT SCENE I’M BUYING A HIGH CALIBER RIFLE AND- [flying tackled by team of lawyers]
Spoiler free review now that I’ve slept on it:
-Terrible pacing. Entire movie is a dizzying intro of new characters, plot points, and McGuffins which are almost immediately resolved or dropped
-Awful Joss Whedon snappy style dialog. The “they fly now???” scene was hyper cringe.
-Terrible pacing. Entire movie is a dizzying intro of new characters, plot points, and McGuffins which are almost immediately resolved or dropped
-Awful Joss Whedon snappy style dialog. The “they fly now???” scene was hyper cringe.
-Wooden actors and terrible chemistry. The main couple makes Jon and Danerys look like Romeo and Juliet.
-Tension heightening done by a 5 year old child: what if there were a MILLION Death Stars?!
-No stakes: Characters constantly die but are revealed as alive in the NEXT SHOT!
-Tension heightening done by a 5 year old child: what if there were a MILLION Death Stars?!
-No stakes: Characters constantly die but are revealed as alive in the NEXT SHOT!
-Awful plot: The worst phoned-in 90’s EU comic was better than this by a mile
-No continuity from prior movies. This was an entire trilogy shoved into 3 hours with occasional callbacks, not a cohesive plot
-Zombie Leia: Write her out in the opening crawl you freaks! CGI monster.
-No continuity from prior movies. This was an entire trilogy shoved into 3 hours with occasional callbacks, not a cohesive plot
-Zombie Leia: Write her out in the opening crawl you freaks! CGI monster.
-Tried and failed humor: Theater was packed, nobody laughed or cheered at any point and their were audible grumbling at the climax
-No universe-building. Say what you want about the Prequels but at least they provided an interesting universe that felt lived in. This feels empty.
-No universe-building. Say what you want about the Prequels but at least they provided an interesting universe that felt lived in. This feels empty.
In conclusion, even the really bad movies- TPM, Solo, TLJ, were miles more interesting and well done because they at least tried to have arcs that fit into a bigger universe or had a kernel of something interesting going on plot-wise. This has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Also, slightly spoiler-y, but for all the complaints about “woke” stuff the movie ends with every main character getting a intraracial heterosexual love interest, and even while watching like a hawk for it the “gay” moment was literally 1 highly ambiguous second long.
Gotta appease those CCP censors though! They might actually hurt Disney’s bottom line in a way Twitter complaints won’t.
