Thread by @glymrs

They're having tea when the first rumors begin to creep in. Lan Xichen has no idea how word spreads so quickly, how events that apparently happened at Lotus Pier can be known in Lanling hours later. Yet the whispered words spread like fetid water rising through cracks in a road.

The accusations are ugly beyond imagining: that Jun Guangyao knowingly married his own sister and murdered his son. That he drained his father's energy before arranging for him to be raped to death. It's all so far from the gentle man Lan Xichen knows that he could almost laugh.

'Almost', because people are discussing these wild accusations as though they actually believe them. Lan Xichen knows that they cannot possibly be true. He looks across the table at Ah-Yao's beautiful, sweet face with its usual brave smile that hides such strain, such suffering.

Stretching a hand across the small table, Lan Xichen lets his fingers brush lightly against Ah-Yao's. The barest touch, but Ah-Yao's eyes fly to his like startled birds. Lan Xichen withdraws his hand, careful not to move too quickly, and says, "We will prove them wrong, Ah-Yao."

Ah-Yao's smile becomes softer. "You've always believed in me," he says. "Thank you." Lan Xichen swallows back guilt and sorrow. He doubted, back in the library, listening to Wei Wuxian's logic and the music he'd played. Yet in the end it all hung on Wei Wuxian's word, didn't it?

Surely, all of this is a misunderstanding. Wei Wuxian means well, and Lan Xichen knows his brother loves the man dearly. But he is mistaken about Jun Guangyao, and now his suspicion is spreading to the rest of the world.
Yet isn't that the for Lan Xichen to stand by Jun Guangyao?

It's easy to stand by a person when he is respected, when he has the world on his side. But Lan Xichen is Ah-Yao's sworn brother. If Lan Wangji can stand with Wei Wuxian against the world, can Lan Xichen do any less? Doesn't he have, the duty, the Right to support the person he..

Ah-Yao's fingers brush against his, sending a small thrill up his spine that he does his best to hide. His friend and sworn brother is looking at him with soft eyes. "I had thought to play the zither with you," he says, and there is something hesitant in his tone. "But perhaps.."

Ah-Yao trails off and drops his eyes, drawing his hand away as he does so. Lan Xichen can't bear it. He reaches out and lays his hand over Ah-Yao's. "Perhaps what?"

His throat moving in a swallow, Ah-Yao glances at him in a way that seems almost shy. His hand trembles.

"I have sometimes thought that you - that," Ah-Yao lifts his gaze, his eyes desperate, then tears it away once more. He pulls his hand away. "No," he says. "No, I am a fool. Please, forget that I spoke." He rises and takes a step away from the table. Lan Xichen jumps to his feet.

"Ah-Yao," he cries. "Please, tell me. Let us have no secrets between us."

Ah-Yao stills. "I cannot. I cannot risk," his voice drops to a whisper, "your scorn."

Lan Xichen puts a hand on his shoulder and tugs until he turns to face him, though Ah-Yao's eyes stay on the ground.

Biting his lip, Ah-Yao says, fast and low, "I have sometimes thought that you might want this unworthy-" he breaks off and shakes his head. "You would not, though. Not someone like you, pure of heart. You could never desire someone like me, the son of a..." he closes his eyes.

His heart tightens in his chest. Lan Xichen gasps and grabs Ah-Yao's shoulders. "Ah-Yao, I have wanted you for years."

Eyes flying open, Ah-Yao says, "Really?"

"I have tried to be content to be your friend," Lan Xichen says, feeling heat creeping under his skin. "I have tried-"

"But...?" Ah-Yao's watching him now, eyes wide and avid.

"But I've always wished that - that you felt the same," Lan Xichen admits. "I knew you didn't. And then you were married, and-"

"And the Lan Clan rules warn against violating the sanctity of marriage," Ah-Yao says sadly.

((Tags for the rest of this: Very unreliable narrator, smut, no happy ending, dead dove: do not eat.))

"Yes." Lan Xichen realizes that he's still gripping the other man's shoulders and carefully releases them. "I'm sorry," he says. "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable. I've tried not to show-"

He's stopped by one zither-calloused finger pressing against his lips.

The touch is so unexpected and so intimate that his breath catches in his throat.

"How could I not want you?" says Ah-Yao, smiling up at him through the tears in his eyes. "How could you believe that I wouldn't desire someone like you? The most beautiful man I've ever met?"

The declaration is like something out of his dreams - dreams he'd done his best to tuck away after Ah-Yao was married. Unlike his dreams, he cannot move, left breathless by the force of his shock. Ah-Yao takes a step forward and slides his finger down over Lan Xichen's lips.

"Of course I want you," Ah-Yao says, sounding almost matter-of-fact but for the catch in his voice.

Lan Xichen moves at last. His head tilts forward, his lips find Ah-Yao's, his hands move to pull the other man close and cradle him against his body. "Ah-Yao," he gasps, "Ah-Yao."

That sweet mouth smiles against his, those zither-calloused fingertips skate along his jaw and up the back of his neck. The bitterness of the tea they'd been drinking lingers on his tongue.

All restraint comes crashing down. Lan Xichen kisses him hungrily, even frantically.

Until Ah-Yao pulls back with a breathless little laugh. "Wait, my dear. Wait a moment." Lan Xichen freezes, as much at the endearment as the request, and wonders if he's overstepped or misunderstood. But Ah-Yao just takes his hand and, smiling, leads him into his bedchamber.

"I had thought we might play music together this afternoon," Ah-Yao says softly, "But I believe this will be a better use of our time. Don't you?" He carefully removes his hat and sets it aside, then slips off his outer robe.

Lan Xichen watches, desire curling into every limb.

Ah-Yao looks up at him, expression gentle and playful in a way that is rare and precious. "This will be easier if you undress as well." Sudden hesitation flickers over his face. "Unless...you don't want-"

Hastening to reassure him, Lan Xichen yanks off his outer robe. "I want."

A small laugh rings through the room, bringing Lan Xichen up short. "I never thought I would see you lose your legendary grace and composure," Ah-Yao says, gently teasing. "You are so eager - surely you have done this before?"

It makes him feel like a youth again. "I haven't."

Ah-Yao's eyes widen at the admission. "Never with a man, perhaps, but with women...?"

Lan Xichen shakes his head, feeling the heat rising in his face. "Not with anyone. There was never anyone else I wanted," he confesses.

Ah-Yao's eyes flicker strangely, possessive, triumphant.

His expression softens immediately. "Oh, my dear," he breathes. He reaches for Lan Xichen's hand and reels him closer. "I don't know why you would want an unworthy person like me-"

"Don't speak of yourself so," Lan Xichen chides. "You are brilliant and beautiful and wonderful."

((I must go do chores, will be back to finish this later!))

Ah-Yao just smiles and shakes his head. Giving into an impulse, Lan Xichen reaches out and touches his face, letting his fingers linger over Ah-Yao's dimples. The dimples fade as Ah-Yao studies him, his expression becoming thoughtful. "If you truly want this-"

"I do," he says.

"Tell me what you want," says Ah-Yao.

"I-" Lan Xichen, "I told you, I've never," he stops and takes a breath, reaching for his equilibrium.

"Then, may I tell you what I want?"

Lan Xichen blinks. "Have you done this before?"

A-Yao hesitates, dropping his eyes. "I-yes. I have."

"With who?" The words come out sharply. Lan Xichen is startled by the rush of anger in his chest.

"It was long ago," says Ah-Yao quickly, "before I was married." He looks away again, his voice going quiet. "It wasn't like this. It was something I had to do." He bites his lip.

The anger transforms into grief. Whenever Lan Xichen thinks he's reached the last of the indignities that Ah-Yao has suffered, he learns of new ones.

"But now I'm glad," Ah-Yao says, his smile becoming more genuine. "It's just as well that one of us knows what to do, isn't it?"

That puts things in a rather different light. Lan Xichen tries to center himself. "What do you want?" he asks, pleased when it comes out calmly.

"I want you to take me as you would a woman," Ah-Yao says, and the hard-won calm flees. "I want to join our bodies and become one."

"Oh," gasps Lan Xichen, sounding as though he'd been punched. "I - I have read, but-" he swallows. "It will not hurt you?"

"It will not," says Ah-Yao. He rises from the bed and slips out of his under robe, which slithers off of his shoulders and pools on the floor like water.

Lan Xichen can't look away. But Ah-Yao doesn't continue. Instead, he says, "Will you wait here for me?"

"Where are you going?" Lan Xichen winces at how plaintive he sounds.

"I need to make a few preparations." Ah-Yao moves to stand before him again, then leans in for a kiss.

It's slower this time, and easier, though it still makes Lan Xichen's head spin and his body feel as though it could rise off the floor at any moment, like a lantern tethered by the thinnest of threads.

When they part at last, Ah-Yao says gently, "I'll be back soon, my dear."

((And I will be back later, my dears.))

Lan Xichen sits on the bed and folds his hands in his lap. He makes a single attempt to meditate, but quickly realizes it's hopeless.

He wonders if he should be ashamed. There are no Gusu Clan rules against this. Against violating the sanctity of marriage, yes. But not this.

Nevertheless, he came to search for proof of Ah-Yao's guilt, and instead he is falling into bed with the man. The fact that he's wanted this for almost half his life is irrelevant. A betrayal is a betrayal.

But is it not a betrayal to Ah-Yao to suspect him?

It cannot be true.

If it cannot be true, then Lan Xichen owes it to Ah-Yao to clear his name. The best way to do so is to discover the truth and dissolve these misunderstandings.

Why does he find himself so reluctant? He could search for evidence of Ah-Yao's duplicity right now.

Instead he waits.

Ah-Yao returns. He is dressed only in a loose silk robe, revealing tantalizing flashes of skin as he moves. In one hand he carries a small bowl. Setting the bowl on the table next to the bed, he says, "Will you remove the rest of your clothing for me?"

Lan Xichen can only nod.

He undresses, moving neither quickly or slowly. His hands shake as he sets aside the last of his layers, leaving himself stripped bare. Ah-Yao's gaze sweeps over him, lingering for a moment on his headband. Lan Xichen blinks, and reaches up to touch it.

Ah-Yao catches his wrist.

"Leave it," he says. "You would be strange without it."

It's equally strange to see Ah-Yao without his omnipresent hat, with his hair loose around his face. Gently pulling his hand away, Lan Xichen undoes the headband. Then he reaches up and winds it around Ah-Yao's forehead.

Ah-Yao's eyes go wide. He touches the strip of silk and metal reverently. "This is..." he breathes.

Lan Xichen can't speak around the lump in his throat. If only he could sweep Ah-Yao away to the Cloud Recesses, to hide and protect and care for him there.

And yet, he's happy.

"Thank you," Ah-Yao says, his gaze brimming with sincerity.

"Thank you for accepting it," Lan Xichen says, his voice rough.

Ah-Yao beams at him. "Lie back for me." Lan Xichen nods and lays back, turning his head to watch. The robe slithers off, leaving him naked and lovely.

Lan Xichen shakes with desire. He'd softened a little when Ah-Yao was gone, but the sight of Ah-Yao's body makes him hard enough to ache.

There are fewer scars than he'd expected. The remnant of a small burn on Ah-Yao's shoulder draws his eye. "This is from when you rescued me."

"Yes." Ah-Yao slides onto the bed, perching on Lan Xichen's thighs with an easy grace. He leans across him to dip his fingers into the bowl, then brings them back to wrap them around his erection. His hand is tight and slick and Lan Xichen can't help the strangled noise he makes.

"You truly thought about me all this time?" says Ah-Yao. "Only me?"

"Only you," gasps Lan Xichen. His hips move on their own, desperately thrusting into Ah-Yao's grip.

Ah-Yao lets go, drawing a different sound from his throat, then slides up and sinks down, sinuous as a snake.

Lan Xichen's eyes roll back as Ah-Yao's body envelops him. It's not the magical experience described in the illicit books he'd confiscated from various disciples over the years. The weight of Ah-Yao's body on him, the feel of his muscles tightening, the smells of sweat and oil.

He forces his eyes open to see Ah-Yao gazing down at him, the headband still sitting perfectly evenly across his forehead despite the flush spreading over his skin and the disarray of his long hair. Ah-Yao sits up, wraps an oily hand around his own erection, and begins to stroke.

"Tell me you're mine." Ah-Yao's eyes gleam wildly as he touches himself.

"Yours," Lan Xichen says brokenly. "I'm yours, Ah-Yao."

Ah-Yao closes his eyes and arches back, spattering Lan Xichen's stomach and chest. The small body atop his tightens around him, making him writhe.

When Ah-Yao opens his eyes again, he lets out a small laugh and shifts his hips. "How rude of me to go first," he says, "when you have been waiting so long."

Lan Xichen shakes his head. "I liked watching you," he admits. Ah-Yao laughs again and lifts himself up, then down again.

It feels so good. Warm and slick and tight the way his own hand could never be. He knows the shape of this, the building pleasure familiar even if all else is strange. Ah-Yao's fingers trace idly through the spend coating his stomach and chest even as he rides Lan Xichen hard.

"Mine," pants Ah-Yao, "My treasure," and it undoes him utterly.

The first surge takes him by surprise, ripping a cry from his throat. It feels pulled out of him, too intense, too much, too sweet.

Endless.

Finally it releases him. He collapses with a groan, weak and empty.

He lifts heavy eyelids and watches as Ah-Yao places a hand on the sigils he'd drawn. It's well-known that blood is more effective than ink in such things. Lan Xichen wonders about the efficacy of semen. Probably more than ink, less than blood.

His qi has been drained completely.

There's a flash and he feels his body's energy conduits being sealed off. The seal is weak, but it will be enough to keep him from replenishing his qi for many hours yet.

Ah-Yao looks down at him. He is not smiling.

A numb acceptance steals over Lan Xichen. He's not surprised.

He's not anything.

"Why?" he whispers.

"Now you don't have to choose," Ah-Yao says.

A feeling breaks through the blankness: relief. He won't have to fight his brother. He won't have to take a side. Gratitude wells up as well. He closes his eyes against the sting.

"Thank you," he says softly.

Fin.