Thread by @naretevduorp

My friend Bill called me today, said he was on his way to see his Dad in the hospital. Here's how our conversation went.

Me - Ok, but hold on, you told me your Dad was dead!

Bill - Yeah, that was his idea, he didn't want anyone to know we had him committed.

Me - Wait! What?

Me - When?

Bill - Back in 2015 when I told you he died.

Me - So, he's been in a mental institution ever since?

Bill - (Sounding very sad) Yes.

Me - But why?

Bill - Well, you remember he had that wreck around Thanksgiving of '14 and got that big knot on his head? Right?

Me - Sure! You said that blow to the head is what done him in a few months later.

Bill - Well, I lied.

Me - (Not hiding my disappointment) Obviously.

Bill - Well, after the wreck Dad started seeing things, crazy things.

Me - Like what?

Bill - Stuff that didn't make sense!

Me - (Growing impatient) LIKE WHAT?

Bill - Well, he said Donald Trump was going to win the presidency in '16.

Me - Well, that would have seemed odd in early'15 for sure.

Bill - (Obviously happy I agreed) It did! It really did!

Me - What else?

Bill - Well, then he said Russia would help him win and that nearly 40% of Americans would like Russia's Putin more than the Average Democrat.

Me - Got that right too.

Bill - Yea but . . . !

Me - (Cutting him off) I know! I know! I would thought he was nuts too!

Me - Is there more?

Bill - Oh yea. That's why I'm going to see him now.

Me - What? Tell me!

Bill - Well, he said a series of things that just sounded like gibberish! He said Trump would hold racist rallies once or twice a month, the whole time he was in office . . .

Me - Go on!

Bill - Then he said Rudy Giuliani would lead a shadow branch of the Government. That Trump would lie 20,000 times in his first term, and that he would still maintain an approval rating of 95% among Christians, for God's sake!

Me - No wonder you . . .

Bill - Well wait, all that wasn't what convinced us he was nuts!

Me - What in the world!?

Bill - (A little agitated) I'm getting there! Later in '15 he called the family together for a meeting, said he had another vision!

Me - That must have been scary! What . . . !

Bill - (Very agitated!) I'm getting there!!

(I could hear a lot of noise in the background, sounded like Bill had slammed his car door and was driving somewhere very fast).

Me - Ok, sorry! Go on! Be careful there!

Bill - Oh, yeah! I am. Anyway, he called us all together . . .

Bill (Continues) - He said we all needed to sell everything we own and invest it in the stock market! That it was going to skyrocket for the first 3 years of Trump's presidency!

Me - I would have laughed!

Bill - We all did!

Bill - Then he said . . . Before the 3rd anniversary of his inauguration you must sell all your stocks and buy toilet paper! Warehouses full of toilet paper! He said toilet paper would going viral!

Me - So you . . .

Bill - Yep, we called and had him committed on the spot!

Me - What could you do!?

Bill - I know right?!

Me - So is he getting out? Are you going after him?

Bill - Hell no! He said he's been safer in there! He won't leave now because of the virus! Says the world has gone completely crazy!

Me - Well then, why are you . . .

Bill - (Cutting me off) Why am I hauling ass up to the hospital?

Me - Yeah!

Bill - Because Dad said whichever of us kids got there first could have half his stash of toilet paper!

Me - Pick me up! I'm going with you!