It’s early in the season & your team are having an awful start.

No decent signings over the summer, injuries stacking up & confusion on & off the pitch.

You have a new manager who keeps saying everything will be just fine. And you want to believe him.👇
👆Things are going from bad to worse

Painful to watch

Leaking goals at the back

No creativity up front

Baffling team selection

Incomprehensible tactics & formation

Fans getting restless

Hopefully we’ll sign some top players in the transfer window.👇
👆The transfer window comes & goes with no signings

Then reports from the dressing room reveal that the players don’t EVEN have the proper kit

Frustration is building with the manager, but he injures himself on the training ground & ends up in hospital.👇
👆Bottom of the league & you think things can’t get any worse.

Then comes news that the team didn’t do any pre-season training.

The manager had cancelled it to go to the Caribbean with his girlfriend.

He comes out of hospital & talks about “success”!👇
👆After another 5-0 drubbing the manager & faces the press

Q. What’s gone wrong?

A. We’re ramping up

Q. Will you apologise?

A. I’m sorry if people feel there have been failings

Q. But you’re bottom of the league?

A. It’s too early to judge. Wait until the end of the season
👆”That’s not what I was saying!”

The pundit that the manager referred to in his press conference to back up his argument that comparisons with other teams can’t be made & talk about performance isn’t valid until the end of the season, slams him on TV.👇
👆Some players & backroom staff aren’t happy.

They’ve known about ‘the strategy’ - drawn-up by the manager’s Machiavellian ‘Director of Football’ - all along.

Hearing about this, the ‘Director’ comes into the dressing room for a motivational team talk.👇 vine.co/v/Ow9Qx9H6Ked
👆Your team is STILL bottom of the league.

The manager comes out & tells the fans again that they’re wrong to judge the team’s performance until the end of the season.

Until then, they should “contain their impatience.” 👇
#PMQs #PMQ #BorisJohnson #COVID
👆#SCANDAL Footage emerges of the manager at the start of the season telling club shareholders:

“If the team do really badly this year, then we’ll be able to sack the chair, sell the club to a Saudi Prince, completely restructure & emerge like Superman.”👇
👆With mounting media criticism, the manager sends backroom staff to post-match press conferences.

Asked why management are now refusing to talk about the fact the team are bottom of the League, the physio says:

"I'm absolutely delighted to discuss it.”👇
👆A v respected football pundit says on #MOTD:👇

“When this manager says optimism, he means he hasn't got any ideas. When he says we need to be positive, he means he has no plan. When he says it's very simple, he means he hasn't read any of the detail.”👇
The pundit (@GNev2) here is @d_spiegel, who the PM referenced in PMQs.

He went on TV, called govt’s use of figures “frankly embarrassing", a "theatre of numbers" & “not a trustworthy communication of statistics” & told them to treat people like grown-ups.
👆Fans are getting angry, threatening to burn their season tickets.

Loyal fanzines are starting to ask difficult questions.

Assistant manager, Gove, speaks: “Our return to the top will be staggered...& so will you be when you find out what we’re up to.”👇
👆A ban on players talking to the media has silenced the ‘lack-of-proper-equipment’ scandal.

But the shocking goal difference won’t go away & isn’t helped when the trainer says it’s “hundred thousand, & thirty four, nine hundred & seventy four thousand."👇
👆Still rooted to the bottom of the table & with multiple scandals mounting, the manager makes a rare public appearance.

“Our defence may be conceding the most goals but they offer a ‘protective ring’ around the keeper. Talk of relegation is negative.”👇
👆News leaks that the team’s Machiavellian ‘Director of Football’ had not only ignored the strict rules against gambling on matches but had bet on the team to lose.

The manager defends him: “it’s not as if he was shagging about” he says. #Dom #DominicCummings #ClassicDom #MOTD👇 ImageImageImageImage
👆Stuck in the relegation zone, with scandals piling up on & off the pitch, the manager announces he will sign a “world beating” player on 1 June: Lionel Messi.

Messi doesn’t show up!

The manager says: “I signed him but he won’t start for 3 or 4 months.👇

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More from @StefSimanowitz

Feb 14
1/. Do you remember what you did #ValentinesDay 2020?

Prof Ferguson was warning that 400,000 Briton’s could die

Minutes from NERVTAG’s 21 Feb meeting, reveal govt scientific advisors estimated that, without action, deaths could top 1.3 million

No action was taken for a month
2/. Meanwhile, @BorisJohnson & @carriesymonds, went to stay in Chevening country house...for 12 days!

The govt claim this was a ‘working holiday’ but @JCalvertST reported that “aides were told to cut down documents or the PM just wouldn't read them”. #ValentinesDay #valentines
3/. During these 12 days in the countryside, the PM - who admitted he doesn’t read the scientific papers - missed two COBRA meetings

Instead of planning for the impact of #COVID19 he was trying to finalise his divorce

When he came back to London, the PM was winging it as usual
Read 6 tweets
Feb 12
“If you’re cold, take one
If you can help, leave one.”

Brighton’s #TakeOneLeaveOne rail is on the corner of Ship St & North Rd

If you’re in need of warm clothes, come down & help yourself

If you can help, drop off some warm clothes

They also need volunteers

See #TOLOBrighton
“This is a brilliant thing!”

Music legend @guypratt who had played with the likes of @pinkfloyd @davidgilmour @Madonna @IggyPop @bryanferry @Icehouseband @nickmasondrums etc, came down to the Brighton #TakeOneLeaveOne rail today to drop off some warm clothes for those in need.
To set up a #TakeOneLeaveOne rail where you are:

1. Get a rail

2. Find good location (ideally covered)

3. Get permission of locals/shopkeepers

4. Make a sign, ask us for a free one or order one 4 £30

5. Hang up warm clothes @BoyGeorge @MassiveAttackUK
Read 4 tweets
Feb 10
1/. The biggest story I ever “broke” (coverage-wise) was a piece about Malawi’s plan to ban farting in public

I was researching an article about homophobia in Africa & stumbled on the story in the @NyasaTimess

I wrote it up for a tabloid & it went global
2/. The story I wrote for the @DailyMailUK - I was a freelancer...don’t judge me - was packed with fart gags: “The winds of change blowing through Africa” etc

The next day @DailyMirror picked it up

By the end of the week, it was the top story on the BBC website & was EVERYWHERE ImageImageImageImage
3/. A week after the story ‘broke’ I was guest on Bluff The Listener - a radio show on @NPR

Broadcast to 30 million listeners, it’s a bit like BBC’s ‘Would I Lie To You’ (@WILTY_TV) where guests have to work out the fake story

None of them got it right👇
npr.org/2011/02/05/133… Image
Read 7 tweets
Feb 9
If you're free this Sunday, I'm doing a free walking tour tracing London's greatest lost waterway - the River Fleet - from it's two sources on Hampstead Heath as it heads towards the Thames (with my dog Mango)

Meet on top of Parliament Hill at 2pm facebook.com/events/1088672… Image
This 1746 map follows the Fleet from the Thames at Blackfriars along the Fleet Ditch, up Fleet Market (now New Bridge St) along Saffron Hill, past Clerk’s Well (now Clerkenwell) past Black Mary’s Hole & Battle Bridge (now Kings Cross) towards its source on the Heath #FreeTheFleet
The River Fleet has two main sources

The source in the Vale of Heath forms the Hampstead Brook running down Fleet Road

The source in Kenwood👇forms the Highgate Brook running down Tufnell Park Road

The two brooks meet in Kentish Town & flow together to the Thames & the ocean.
Read 4 tweets
Feb 9
1/. HOW TO CHANGE THE WORLD:

A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE

In 2020, Denmark changed its laws to recognise the simple fact that sex without consent is rape

This didn't happen by chance

It resulted from years of campaigning & advocacy by survivor groups & campaigners.
#LetsTalkAboutYes
2/. Shockingly, in 2020 only 7 out of 31 countries in Europe had laws that recognised sex without consent is rape

That figure has almost doubled to 13...but there is still along way to go

But back to the lessons from Denmark, & their successful campaign for a consent-based law
3/. Working with survivors groups, research was done to identify key barriers to justice for rape survivors

Why were so many rapes committed?

Why were so few rapes reported?

Why did so few reports of rape lead to prosecution?

Why did so few prosecutions lead to convictions?
Read 10 tweets
Feb 9
“The gate to the groin for Yannick Bertrand and you could hear it. And if you’re a man, you could feel it…The boys took a beating on that one” #Olympics2022 #WinterOlympics #Olympics #OlympicGames
I’m finding the #WinterOlympics painful to watch

It isn’t just men’s genitalia getting pummelled, it’s women’s too

For matters of good taste, I’m not going to post the clip of the couple’s figure skating, but instead leave it to Robin Williams to explain
The #WinterOlympics can also lead to injury when viewers decide to give sports a go in their own homes

Inspired by the #Olympic figure skating, this kid ended up with a blister on the sole of his foot the size of a golf ball.
(Video via @DoggerlandMan)
Read 5 tweets

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