Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So sometimes I like to do a movie review of a truly great film.

Today isn't one of those days.

I'm reviewing that pile of trash Pixels.

Man...I...I make bad choices in life sometimes.

It stars Adam Sandler, Josh Gad, Kevin James, and Peter Dinklage.

Yeah. Usually I make joke names. If I did that in this case then my first post would be funnier than the entire movie.

I legit tried to watch this before, but I gave up halfway. Like straight up just went "Naww. I don't need to waste my existence on this."

Then Covid happened...and now look at what I'm doing.

*long sigh*

So we start in the summer of 1982.

Cheap Trick's Surrender plays. I legit enjoy that song.

We see a young Sandler and Kevin James. Sandler tells James the new arcade is open and they rob Kevin James' sister????

I don't know.

All I know is you instantly dislike them.

So they're at the arcade and I want my nostalgia to kick in, but...uh...then I remember it's this movie.

We see a bunch of cool ass arcade games I legit love including...ManPac? PanMac?

I don't know. I'm terrible with names.

Speaking of terrible, Kevin James' character sucks at playing games while SANDLER IS IN THE ZONE!!!

Man. Maybe an alien being will come and recruit him for some intergalactic war like in...The Last Starfighter.

We find out that Sandler sees patterns and I see a personal pattern at watching movies like this.

So it turns out there's a video game championship and..dksafk

We then see Josh Gad's character being in love with a handful of pixels in a female shape.

Am I really doing this?

Like I jokingly thought yesterday "Ha. Wouldn't that be funny to review that. Totally going to be epic. People will all come together to cheer me on as I torture myself into watching a bad movie."

It's not. It's most certainly not.

OH MY GOD.

THEY JUST HAD GAD'S GRANDMA SAY YOOHOO WHILE HOLDING YOOHOOS.

That...that's the level of comedy we got here.

Peter Dinklage's young self talks smack askdfljagdjjhreguoafijdsklmfngreajdsfkl

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I can taste metal.

So it turns out NASA is there to film the competition and NASA is going to launch this into space.

Wish they'd launch every copy of this into space.

So it turns out Sandler v. Dinklage is going on.

And...okay. Literally everyone pronounces Galaga differently. I'm just going to keep pronouncing it my way.

Which is sorta like I half-swallow my tongue.

The final competition is donkey kong and aslfdkjgflknscvlxm,z

DInklage win and Sandler walks away all sad and shit.

Kevin James tries to cheer him up by saying he's still going to MIT and blah blah blah.

We then have them talking about women and then it comes to the modern times and they're still degrading women.

Kevin James is the president and...uh...yeah. This checks out considering what we just had in the WH a year ago.

Like...this was a "joke" when this movie came out, but Kevin James being elected is very believable.

Kevin James gets taunted by citizens while Sandler goes to get in his company car.

He's tech support or something.

We galkjgsdlvfbgsfdklcxvn

I don't care.

In Guam we see the pixel attack.

I don't care.

Sandler shows up to do a job at someone's house.

I don't care.

Sandler hears wayyyy too much personal information about this kid and his family's life.

Sandler gawks at his mom and...it's creepy.

Like if a tech support person said anything like that to me, I'd call their boss and demand they get fired.

We get lkasdjflk blah blah who cares earth is under attack.

Sandler is still at the customer's house as he chats with her son.

Like...who would let a guy who gawked at them chat with...

Ugh.

Ya know. No one is going to read this. Why should they? I chose a movie no one cares about. It's just a typically bland Sandler movie that has an idea that could have been fun and wasn't fun to wasljdfugheoripqrghuwrefadjs
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Does no one else taste metal?

The woman (Violet) is crying in her room and Sandler comes in and it's awkward andkskl

Oh, look. Things are getting pixelated like someone is compressing images and then upsizing them.

Violet tells this total stranger everything about her life.

It's...like this isn't appropriate for anyone in this situation.

We find out Sandler made a bad life choice with his ex. And she with her ex.

MAYBE THEY'LL END UP TOGETHER FOR NO REASON THAN THE SCRIPT CALLS FOR IT.

Okay. Good. He tries to kiss her and she rejects him. Then she hammers his career.

Sandler kalsfdjhfajsfovlkasjdf
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I DON'T CARE.

Like.

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So Sandler gets a call from President James and Sandler brags about how good a kisser he is?

Like. He should be fired.

They're both driving away and there's an attempt at humor that he thinks she's stalking him.

TURNS OUT THEY'RE BOTH ON THEIR WAY TO THE WHITE HOUSE..

Whoasirjegfadskcxnv

There have been several "jokes" so far and none of them are funny.

Chugging hot sauce would be more hilarious.

Turns out ...

oh, god. He's doing that Sandler voice that was funny in 1997.

President James informs Sandler that Guam was attacked and he wants Sandler's opinion on something that isn't "Hey. What TV should I get for my room?"

We cut to President James in this meeting with his people and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

They argue about who caused this while I argue about all my life choices that lead to this.

Sandler comes in to tell them about his ...

OH GOD. They made a joke about him going to Mississippi Institute of Trying My Patience.

Sandler

*burps*

tells them that this is the original 1982 galaga and not the modern one from 1986.

Violet and Sandler spar a bit andkjfkdlsj

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T TASTE METAL???

Sandler leaves to go be creepy with a different customer or something.

So Josh Gad was hiding in the back of his car and gets yeeted out of the van.

Turns out Gad laskjdflja

who cares

there's so many failed jokes.

There's a Greedo/JFK joke and...

and...

I...

lsfjdgu

I thought I could make it farther into this. I legit did.

But here I am just typing away while this film plays in a different tab.

Turns out Gad knows about the thing going on in Guam and

I BET HIS GRANDMA LOVES YOOHOO STILL.

Gad tries hard to make this funny. Like...he legit tries. He just doesn't have the material to work with.

They make a space invaders "you're invading my space" joke.

I...I can't feel my face.

Gad tells Sandler that the capsule NASA sent up that had video games in it and thaysdljfskgnadskcxzm
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We...we get so many attempted jokes.

SO MANY.

Gad has found a secret code or something.

A challenge from the aliens.

They took our video games as a challenge.

We find out if we lose 3 games then we lose everything.

I lost everything when I started this review.

We cut to India and an Indian gentleman does the whole "get one one knee with a ring" proposal.

Uh.

Whatever.

Who cares.

In the background Taj Mahal does a Taj Mafall.

The dude gets pixelated.

President James is bringing in Sandler and Gad as consultants about this.

I mean...it's not like there are other people who know wayyy more than them. Maybe coders or gamers who literally understand every aspect of the games.

Naw. Just use your friends, James. Sandler it up.

Violet and SAndler flirt and

Uh...

I haven't had my coffee yet.

Like I thought "Maybe being exhausted would make this funnier."

I was wrong.

I mean...what do you write about this? It's just a series of boring scenes filled with attempted jokes and...

I legit could have spent this time staring at a wall.

I could have spent this time throwing grapes into the air and trying to catch them with my mouth.

I could have spent this time seeing if I could stand on my tippy toes and perform swan lake.

Instead I'm listening to Gad talking about poop and pants and sailors and...

I think I can't see the color purple anymore.

Okay. Right.

Basically. Sandler and Gad are telling the military people tips about video games.

Literally could get these tips from google.

President James is inside some bakery with his wife and he's being horrendously unfunny.

Then we find out the "Where's the Beef" lady is telling us where the next game is. Hyde Park.

I've been to Hyde Park. Beautiful place.

Sean Bean appears.

Man...that doesn't bode well for him.

Uh. Gad and Sandler are there in the UK to consult.

Because no one in the UK knows how to play old atari games.

*longest sigh ever*

Okay. So Sean Bean tries. Like legit tries.

I would say President James is an embarrassment that no real president would be but...uh...we know that's not true anymore.

We then get to the next battle and Sandler tries to tell them.

Just like my brain tried to tell me not to do this.

Remember that Road House review? Remember the Titanic Review?

Those were pretty good. Like I'm proud of those.

I'm not proud of this.

This isn't funny. I can't make this funny...

I CAN'T PULL FUNNY FROM THE COMEDY BLACKHOLE KNOWN AS A MODERN SANDLER FILM.

So instead I just sit here watching a centipede wreck hyde park while my soul tries to escape my form.

I can feel what little humor I have been drained from me.

I...I'M REPEATING MYSELF SO MUCH BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

*sobs softly*

Okay. Okay Um.

Sandler and Gad then battle the centipede because they have to give them something to do.

I mean it's not like other people couldasjgfdshqtuy3492erwijofdsajhgoradjsflk

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sja
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WHY?

This is the end. I just...I GIVE UP. I give up on comedy. I give up on writing.

I give up on picking movies.

You...you guys wanna hear a knock knock joke?

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Dis

Dis who?

Dis movie sucks the very core of myself from me.

Anyway.

They won this game.

And they use pop culture to continue to tell them...

IS THAT THE GOD DAMN DOG FROM DUCK HUNT? I HATE THAT THING!

So it turns out they want to get Dinklage to join them.

Maybe...maybe dinklage can save this. That dude is the best.

...

I was wrong

Okay.

I'm going to cut my losses.

I'm done.

Like...straight up done.

This has defeated me.

Let us never talk about this again.

And this isn't a schtick.

I'll review something later.

Right now I'm going to stare at a wall.

Yeah. I abandoned this.

I tried.

I'm going to go drink coffee and contemplate my life a bit.

I'll post a poll for a real movie later.