Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So you all chose Twister. It stars Bill Pax Vobiscum (Weird Science) and Helen Hunt (Quarterback Princess).

It also has some great costars like Cary “John” Elway (Workaholics) and Phillip “Dustin” Hoffman (Patch Adams).

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1415484906159759360

It starts…wait. Is this Wizard of Oz?

Okay. It’s not. We start in June 1969 (Nice) with a big storm coming. Not that one. A literal one.

People watch the weather channel and hear random lion roars.

The mom grabs her kid as her father leads them to the storm cellar. They leave the dog be…is that Toto?

They get into their storm cellar that’s a solid half hour hike from the house.

The storm is so powerful it’s ripping the door off. Helen’s dad thinks he can hold it. Hint. He can’t.

He goes to join the wicked witch in hell.

We cut to present day. Uhh. I don’t see no smart phones. This movie lies!!

We are shown a view of a satellite in space circling the globe cuck lie of a spherical earth.

We get sweet numbers from weather people and we will never see those people again. Great.

We get uplifting music as we follow someone getting crop dusted.

It’s Bill Pax the Science Guy and his fiancé whose accent makes me want to shred my ears.

We find out Bill needs Helen to sign divorce papers or something.

We cut to Helen hunt trying to fix the satellite so she can pick up the newest episode of Married with Children.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (PHoff) cranks tunes as Bill pulls up. Make bonding ensues.

We get introduced to way too many bit characters as Bill goes up to Helen watching the sky. Apparently they need Doppler to tell them black clouds with lightning means storm.

Everyone assumes Bill is like Kotter.

We find out Bill and Helen are separated but not divorced.

Helen has been wearing the ring and didn’t sign one of the pages.

Uh. He wants to end the relationship. Respect that.

PHoff talks about the suck zone to Bill’s Fiancé who is a doctor. Doc is her name now.

Anyway PHoff talks about the suck zone and it’s basically just describing the plot of the Talented Mr Ripley.

Helen talks to Doc and is very uh…bitter.

We also find out that Bill will be a weatherman. Oh, no. A well paying job that doesn’t involve risking your life. What a god damn sell out.

He even has a new truck. How dare he move on with his life.

Helen talks about Dorothy. Basically, they took Dorothy’s bones, ground them up, boiled them inside the ruby slippers, and poured the slurry into 4 different devices to help get Tornado data.

Uh. I don’t think science backs that, but what do I know?

Turns out that these balls inside of Dorothy’s metal tomb will get sucked up into the Mr Ripley zone and they can use the data to create better early warning systems.

Some bit character comes screaming up as uplifting music blasts out eardrums. There’s a storm that has…some kind of spinning phenomenon inside it. Uh. I think it’s called a Tasmanian Devil’s Top.

I think. The music is really loud.

They all jump into their vehicles to chase a storm.

Bill still needs one more signature from Helen, so he chases her.

We find out that all these people are adrenaline junkies who lack the ability to comprehend consequences.

Oh, snap. There’s the “bad” guy Cary. He does evil things like…get paid money for his work.

The monster.

Wait. How is he bad??

We get a pulse slowing storm chasing scene and…I should have drank more coffee.

So Bill blows a tire and has to get it changed. Meanwhile, Cary talks into a camera about his invention that is a knock off of Dorothy.

Bill is pissed because it doesn’t have any Dorothy’s blood in it.

Also. Bill gets posed and calls Cary a thief. Which is HILARIOUS since Bill stole the name and likeness of Dorothy for his product.

Way to be a hypocrite Bill. Way to be a hypocrite.

Bill and Cary pull out their storm satellites and whack them at each other.

Bill is still mad that Cary makes money. Again. Why?

You’ve already proven you’re cool with stealing from others, so chill.

Also. Bill decides to stick around for a day.

We also find out that Bill is the Storm Whisperer.

Can I point out that they all rushed and sped and just ended up at a roadside cafe.

Cool.

Bill, meanwhile, is outside holding up grass and shit and pretending to know what he’s doing. He’s a weatherman. He predicts weather as well as a dead toad.

More drama blah blah b…when do we get to more pulse stopping action?

Why did you people vote for this? We could have had lava. Lava!!

Bill gets into Helen’s truck because his stormy sense is tingling.

Cary decides to follow.

*yawns*

I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

We get bits from all these bit characters and I don’t careeeeeeee.

Bill pretends to know about weather and Helen just blindly agrees.

More drama.

This movie is 90% love triangle drama bullshit.

Like I haven’t seen this in a quarter century and, honestly, that wasn’t long enough.

I’m gonna watch some paint dry.

Someone took their couple’s therapy transcript and added a tornado story around it.

They see a tornado and I see an apple with my name on it.

And people liked this? Like. Honestly? We really liked boring movies back when apparently.

So an angelic choir sings as they chase a tornado and squabble. Man. Wish there were pigeons because my previous pun post could get reposted then.

They move toward a tornado that is part near because it roars.

Meanwhile Bill and Helen are stuck in a ditch and hide under a…no. They try to sacrifice Dorothy to the tornado bear.

Well. Helen does. Bill makes her take cover under a bridge built by a child.

Helen tries to go play in the tornado “I wanna see it. See. I was the little girl at the beginning and this has meaning!!!!!!!!”

This tornado can lift a truck, but just can’t grab two humans barely holding onto a bridge made from Lincoln logs.

Helen is so jealous of doc that Helen uses a tornado to drop her truck right in front of doc.

Get over him, Helen.

Cary ignores them as they try to do some actual science instead of couple’s therapy.

Helen takes over Bill’s truck and we find out Bill doesn’t know how to properly insure his vehicle.

We see Helen and Bill act all awkward in front of doc. Doc, rightly, thinks they’re crazy.

I’m crazy for putting Twister as an option. I should have put anything else.

Helen does that passive aggressive shit where a passenger groans that the driver isn’t going fast enough. Gee. Why does he want to divorce you??

We get more weather topography or whatever action.

I once had a cold shower more entertaining than this.

Bill and Cary are neck and neck going after this new tornado. Bill uses his instincts to know the tornado will shift.

Anyone ever play tetherball as a kid? Man. That’d be nice to do now. Ya know. Instead of listening to doc sounding like she’s talking to her aunt while dnnddnf

Oh god. I fell asleep.

We get all kinds of weather jargon while we see these idiots drive towards a double tornado.

If you ever feel nostalgic for the 90s, just watch this and it’ll dry up.

I unironically wish I was watching Battlefield Earth. At least it was painfully entertaining.

Literally fell asleep to this. First time in a long time. I think my brain is telling me something. I’m gonna go pass out in bed where I can actually sleep well.

Uh. Weirdest review ever. We’ll try another time.