The live review of #Twlight begins right now, but I uploaded a little interview with the vampire I did to get you started as I go get booze.
If this does well, I'll do the series.
If not? I'll find some other way to disappoint.
"I have no mouth and I must scream"
If this does well, I'll do the series.
If not? I'll find some other way to disappoint.
"I have no mouth and I must scream"
#Twilight from the #TwilightSaga stars Robert Pattingson and a stiff board called Kirsten Hungryman Tv Dinner.
It also stars my liver weeping in a corner.
It also stars my liver weeping in a corner.
We start with a voiceover by Bella that says “I never given much thought to dying.”
You never dealt with quarantine or an actual thought.
You never dealt with quarantine or an actual thought.
Oh, shit. I put deer hunter on instead.
We get a monologue that’s basically the sand scene from the prequels. Basically, Bella Legosi’s mom wants to get plowed on the road by her new husband, so she sends Bella to Oregon.
No. Washington. Ah. Who cares.
Her narration can’t be described as monotoned since only humans can be monotoned not wooden planks.
Bella tells us her sheriff oh god. I forgot already. My brain is shutting down already.
Bella tells us her sheriff oh god. I forgot already. My brain is shutting down already.
We find out Bella like purple. That’s the most character growth she’ll have. Also. She does that whole “I call my dad by her first name” shit that writers think makes the character mature or edgy but makes them sound like a tool.
Her dad is nice. You show him some respect!
Her dad is nice. You show him some respect!
We’re introduced to Billy “Back In” Black and Jacoooobbbbbbb!!!!!
I like Billy. He’s a damn hoot. So is the dad. They have a good relationship and I would 100% watch a movie about her dad and Billy.
The sheriff buys a truck for the wooden plank.
Hahaha. No. Seriously. I love the dad and Billy.
Meanwhile, Jacob shows the plank how to drive it and we learn Jacob goes to school on the reservation.
Meanwhile, Jacob shows the plank how to drive it and we learn Jacob goes to school on the reservation.
We then get more narration about the first day of school. At least I think it is because plank keeps chewing on the microphone or maybe that’s a beaver gnawing on her. Hard to tell.
It’s March. Middle of the semester. Great.
She read it like a tombstone.
We get introduced to Eric who doesn’t realize plank has no need for a friend.
She read it like a tombstone.
We get introduced to Eric who doesn’t realize plank has no need for a friend.
Turns out planks of wood suck at volleyball. Who knew?
This leads to meeting Mike Fignewton and Jessica.
These people won’t matter in the future. Once her creepy stalker takes over her life.
This leads to meeting Mike Fignewton and Jessica.
These people won’t matter in the future. Once her creepy stalker takes over her life.
Ya know. It’s fascinating that so many guys are attracted to her, but it makes sense. She sucks like a blackhole.
Bella mumbles suggestions about a newspaper article as she then stares at the Collins.
That’s Edward and his brood.
That’s Edward and his brood.
And if I misspell any names just realize I don’t care.
We then get information drop that the Collins are foster siblings or whatever and every male is hooked up with a female Collin. Everyone BUT EDWARD!!!!!!
Ya know no didn’t know boards could stare so creepily.
Bella walks into her science class with a fan on. Her stank wafts over to Eddie and he’s dry heaving.
He then offers her some liquid breath mints or something. He just glares at her as if he’s trying to burn a hole through wood.
He then offers her some liquid breath mints or something. He just glares at her as if he’s trying to burn a hole through wood.
We then see that Eddie wants to change classes so he doesn’t have to sit beside Bella “Swamp Ass” Swanson
We cut to a local diner where more bit characters introduce themselves to an inanimate object.
We find out that Bella hasn’t visited Washington since she was four. Which, if my math is right, was when Edward was like 96.
We get a call scene between plank and her mom. Her mom is talking to her between railings.
We also find out her mom is a moron. Like. Doesn’t know you can buy a new phone charger. We see where plank gets her intelligence.
We also find out her mom is a moron. Like. Doesn’t know you can buy a new phone charger. We see where plank gets her intelligence.
Bella sulks. Hell. I could copy and paste that for 90 minutes and still be a valid summary of the movie.
The next day Swamp Ass waits to confront Eddie Cleaver, but he doesn’t show up.
Other kids try to hang with her, but plank seems to have a thing for abusive assholes.
Other kids try to hang with her, but plank seems to have a thing for abusive assholes.
I’m gonna interrupt and say the soundtrack, whether you like the songs or not, fits this movie.
And Eddie keeps not showing up. She obsessed over this shit.
We cut to a pulse slowing action scene of a construction worker being chased by the Sharks.
We cut to a pulse slowing action scene of a construction worker being chased by the Sharks.
We cut to her awesome dad pulling up having put winter tires on her truck. He’s a legit nice dad.
He also expositions that a security guard got iced by either an animal or a vampire. Wait. Crap. Nothing to see here!!!
He also expositions that a security guard got iced by either an animal or a vampire. Wait. Crap. Nothing to see here!!!
I am like 14 minutes in. That’s it!!!
Turns out Bella doesn’t understand animals can attack people. She’s the smartest plank in that town.
It’s a wet day in Washington. Correction. It’s any day in Washington.
Bella is ignoring Eric as he totally doesn’t get he’s in the friend zone. Bella has the friend zone and the creepy 100 year old boyfriend zone.
Bella is ignoring Eric as he totally doesn’t get he’s in the friend zone. Bella has the friend zone and the creepy 100 year old boyfriend zone.
Fignewton cockblocks Bella.
Bella goes over to yell at Eddie Haskell.
He’s apparently gotten over her swamp ass and talks to her. He just eye fucks her.
Bella goes over to yell at Eddie Haskell.
He’s apparently gotten over her swamp ass and talks to her. He just eye fucks her.
They stare into a microscope as we get a zoomed in look at their …oh god. I had a pun, but I just lost a million neurons.
We get small talk.
Like Robert gets a ton of shit for his acting in this movie, but he’s tolerable in this and awesome in other movies like Tenet.
Like Robert gets a ton of shit for his acting in this movie, but he’s tolerable in this and awesome in other movies like Tenet.
They keep doing biology and bullshit.
We also find out that Bella hates and the wet and cold. Makes sense. It’s not great weather for exposed and unfinished wood.
We also find out that Bella hates and the wet and cold. Makes sense. It’s not great weather for exposed and unfinished wood.
“It’s metaface.”
Like the Beatles song.
Like the Beatles song.
We get more background about plank’s mom wanting that D.
We also get plank asking about his eyes. See. The first time they were black and now they’re golden brown…
Texture like sun.
We also get plank asking about his eyes. See. The first time they were black and now they’re golden brown…
Texture like sun.
Sorry. Trying to add something that doesn’t suck to this nightmare of blandness.
We get some sweet putting backpack on tick action.
Oh, shit. It’s Caitlyn Jenner!! She comes roaring around the corner and slams into Bella and crushes her like in Signs.
Bella bleeds out and this fucking thing is over.
Oh, shit. It’s Caitlyn Jenner!! She comes roaring around the corner and slams into Bella and crushes her like in Signs.
Bella bleeds out and this fucking thing is over.
No. Wait. Shit. She’s saved by Eddie Van Halen through the power of bad effects and editing.
Eddie literally uses his hand to block a van. Bella and Eddie exchange glances as if to say “Yeah. You definitely shat yourself.”
Eddie runs off and the van guy apologizes for almost making this the best movie ever.
Eddie runs off and the van guy apologizes for almost making this the best movie ever.
Man. I have seen piles of sand emote more.
Bella ends up at the hospital as doctor desperately tries to figure out where you check the pulse of plywood at.
Her dad comes in to chew bubblegum and admonish a high school student and he’s all out of bubblegum.
Her dad comes in to chew bubblegum and admonish a high school student and he’s all out of bubblegum.
Her dad shows genuine fear and interest in his daughter’s safety. Plank is trying to figure out if she wants to watch paint dry or eat it.
In comes Dr Collin. Played by that dude in Can’t Hardly Wait. He’s one of the better actors in this movie.
He checks up on her and…seriously. He’s trying!
He checks up on her and…seriously. He’s trying!
Bella then narcs on Edward using his powers no mean she doesn’t realize this because she’s an idiot.
Bella heads towards the exit when we see Edward getting chewed out by his family for using his powers.
Plank wants to talk to him, so he comes over and gaslights the shit out of her. This is just the first of MANY mind games senior citizen Collin pulls.
Plank wants to talk to him, so he comes over and gaslights the shit out of her. This is just the first of MANY mind games senior citizen Collin pulls.
How has it been 24 minutes???
Is…is a time lord doing this??
Is…is a time lord doing this??
Okay. We legit see the beginnings of the abuse Edward puts her through. “No one will believe you” “Can’t you just thank me?”
These are red flags, people!!!
These are red flags, people!!!
Oh, shit. Bella goes to sleep and wakes up to find Eddie watching her sleep. Yeah. He’s gone when she turns on the lamp, but he has supernatural speed.
THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC! THIS IS CREEPY!!!
THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC! THIS IS CREEPY!!!
Like plank thinks this was all a dream and she talks about it being the first dream of him, but he was there. A 108 year old man!!!
The next day plank sulks as she tries to CSI the rescue by Eddie.
Fignewton tries to ask plank out because he thinks she’s human instead of a pile of wood with a thing for men with three digit ages.
Fignewton tries to ask plank out because he thinks she’s human instead of a pile of wood with a thing for men with three digit ages.
Bella tells Fignewton that he should date Jessica. At least Mike and Jessica can have a real relationship that isn’t toxic.
They are on a field trip to a greenhouse.
Oh, god. Edward demands to know what’s in Jacksonville. That was the town plank said she’d be during the dance.
Edward. This is not okay to ask!!
Oh, god. Edward demands to know what’s in Jacksonville. That was the town plank said she’d be during the dance.
Edward. This is not okay to ask!!
Bella asks how did he know about that and he says “you didn’t answer my question.”
This is controlling and creepy.
This is controlling and creepy.
Jesus. Then Edward yells at her for tripping.
People. Do not date anyone like this.
People. Do not date anyone like this.
Edward then tells her they shouldn’t be friends.
These are all tactics by abusers. I’m not kidding. These are red flags.
How does anyone see…holy shit dude. His sister offers Bella to hang when Edward says “She can’t this bud is full.”
Good gravy!!!
These are all tactics by abusers. I’m not kidding. These are red flags.
How does anyone see…holy shit dude. His sister offers Bella to hang when Edward says “She can’t this bud is full.”
Good gravy!!!
We then get a scene where we find out Bella’s dad heard about how much her mom is getting plowed by plank’s stepdad.
Back to school and her friends want her to go to a beach.
Then we get a scene where Edward apologizes and sorta threatens her…
Wait.
“If you were smart you would stay away from me.”
“Let say for argument sake I’m not smart.”
Oh, plank, you just need the last three words.
Wait.
“If you were smart you would stay away from me.”
“Let say for argument sake I’m not smart.”
Oh, plank, you just need the last three words.
We then get Edward warning her off, but plank says she knows he’s good.
This is some toxic shit.
This is some toxic shit.
Bella asks Edward to join him at the beach. Edward is reluctant.
Okay. Gonna say this. I love where beaches are nice. These beaches suck. Cold and dark as hell.
Okay. Gonna say this. I love where beaches are nice. These beaches suck. Cold and dark as hell.
Oh, my god. Bella’s friend is hoping a guy will ask her out.
Plank, I shit you not, says “You should ask him. Take control. You’re a strong, independent woman.”
There are strands of beads with more self awareness than plank.
Plank, I shit you not, says “You should ask him. Take control. You’re a strong, independent woman.”
There are strands of beads with more self awareness than plank.
Oh, come on!!!
Bella to Jacob “What. Are you stalking me?”
Jacob “You’re on my res. Remember?”
First. How dare you, plank.
Second. No white person (especially like Bella) has ever seen themself as the trespasser because of our arrogance.
Bella to Jacob “What. Are you stalking me?”
Jacob “You’re on my res. Remember?”
First. How dare you, plank.
Second. No white person (especially like Bella) has ever seen themself as the trespasser because of our arrogance.
Jacob. You are too good for her. Okay? You can do better!!!
Plank’s friends let it slip that Edward stood her up and we find out Jacob and his buds know and dislike Edward.
We find out the Collins don’t go to the beach.
Jacob is legit surprised plank “caught that.”
I legit like Jacob.
Jacob is legit surprised plank “caught that.”
I legit like Jacob.
Jacob gives some tribal history about his people being descended from wolves and the Collins invaded tribal lands. They make a deal that the Collins aren’t allowed on said lands.
We cut to a derelict building. A building with more intelligence than plank.
Yet another security guard gets got by editing and effects.
Actually. It’s a couple vampires.
Yet another security guard gets got by editing and effects.
Actually. It’s a couple vampires.
Oh, my god. I’m only 35 minutes in. Battlefield Earth wasn’t this time dilating.
We cut to plank googling “How is baby formed” and quickly follows this up with “Is vampire good kisser??”
Another day at school and none of the Collins are in. Why? Because the weather is nice. Good thing you live there and not SoCal.
We get prom drama and I get another reason to cry myself to sleep.
Now we get prom dress try one while plank sulks and is a judgmental ass.
She goes to a bookstore and surprises me that she is literate.
Bella ignores safety practices and decides to walk down a dark alley. She is the victim here and no one deserves to be attacked.
A bunch of assholes start to attack Bella. She fights back as a car comes roaring up. It’s Edward. He glared at these dudes and they back off because…uh. No reason. He then almost hits them and speeds up. He even almost gets into multiple accidents.
We now find out that Edward can read thoughts. Though, he then…
Okay. He then demands plank entertain him so he won’t go back and gank those guys. He has serious anger issues.
Okay. He then demands plank entertain him so he won’t go back and gank those guys. He has serious anger issues.
Oh. Uh. Good time to remind people that s lot of people see this as a love story. It’s not.
Then some high school bullshit happens and I start to rethink my life choices.
Then some high school bullshit happens and I start to rethink my life choices.
They go to get something to eat. Plank orders mushroom ravioli. Huh.
TIL wood has a digestive system.
TIL wood has a digestive system.
Bella asks if he was following her. He says he feels protective.
We find out he was stalking her to make sure she’s “safe.”
We find out he was stalking her to make sure she’s “safe.”
He then straight up tells her he can “read every mind in this room. Apart from yours.”
Hahaha. He thinks that’s because she has something special about her instead of the fact she doesn’t think.
Hahaha. He thinks that’s because she has something special about her instead of the fact she doesn’t think.
Oh. And Bella just accepts this shit.
If someone I was on a date with said that I’d
If someone I was on a date with said that I’d
He then says he doesn’t have the strength to stay away from her.
There are less red flags in a red flag factory.
There are less red flags in a red flag factory.
I am losing my god damn mind.
Bella touches EdTV’s hand and it’s cold. Uh. You live in Washington.
We now get background that a vampire attack happened and I wish I had some bourbon in me.
We now get background that a vampire attack happened and I wish I had some bourbon in me.
Plank goes in to console her father about his friend being killed.
She keeps going “I lost my family to a mound of termites.”
Her dad then gives her mace or kfngnzjdnxnnd
She keeps going “I lost my family to a mound of termites.”
Her dad then gives her mace or kfngnzjdnxnnd
Sorry. Had to drag my soul back in.
Bella is trying to CSI if Edward is a vampire.
Bella is trying to CSI if Edward is a vampire.
She figures out he is an immortal blood drinker. No. Not a movie producer, an actual blood sucker. Huh. Guess that doesn’t prove my point.
Plank slow walks towards Eddie Furlong only to push past him and go into the woods. Eddie follows.
Okay. Bella thinks he’s a vampire who might have killed her dad’s friend. Sure. Go into the woods with him alone. What’s the worst thing a literal blood sucker could do?????
Okay. Bella thinks he’s a vampire who might have killed her dad’s friend. Sure. Go into the woods with him alone. What’s the worst thing a literal blood sucker could do?????
Plank then lays out her evidence and Edward creeps up on her.
She asks him how old he is. He says 17. She asks for how long. He says a while.
Dude. 92 years isn’t a while. That’s a shit long time.
Dude. 92 years isn’t a while. That’s a shit long time.
We then get that “I know what you are” “Say it” scene.
Ya know. Where Bella responds “You’re a somewhat talented actor wasted in this awful movie franchise.”
He then nods and starts to count his money.
Ya know. Where Bella responds “You’re a somewhat talented actor wasted in this awful movie franchise.”
He then nods and starts to count his money.
Okay. I think people just stopped reading this. I 100% understand. I want to stop watching and typing this.
I was going to go to Italy before Covid. Yet, here I am. Stuck at home reviewing shitty movies for random people. What am I doing with my life!!!?!!!!!!
I was going to go to Italy before Covid. Yet, here I am. Stuck at home reviewing shitty movies for random people. What am I doing with my life!!!?!!!!!!
This movie is making me have a god damn existential meltdown.
Eddie drags…hahshahahahahshsh hahaha hahahahaha hahaha hahaha hahahah this running cgi shit hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha
Edward has to show her what happens if he goes into the sun.
Traditional vampire lore is that the sun harms or kills the vampire. What happens in this shit?
He sparkles like someone threw glitter on him.
Traditional vampire lore is that the sun harms or kills the vampire. What happens in this shit?
He sparkles like someone threw glitter on him.
This shit. If I saw that I would legit go. “Oh. That dude has some cool body paint on that’s reflective.”
I sure as hell wouldn’t go “That dude is a vampire.”
Why? Because vampires burn in sunlight NOT PUT ON A GOD DAMN LIGHT SHOW AT A DISCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sure as hell wouldn’t go “That dude is a vampire.”
Why? Because vampires burn in sunlight NOT PUT ON A GOD DAMN LIGHT SHOW AT A DISCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just…fuck this premise. It is such a cheap and shitty way to make them have to be “scared” of the sun with Zero legit consequences. Just soft and lame.
I just…I…I have written hundreds of thousands of words and countless scripts and this shit gets published and made into movies?
Holy fuck. I mean…what the absolute hell is wrong with our world that this trash is so fucking popular.
Holy fuck. I mean…what the absolute hell is wrong with our world that this trash is so fucking popular.
I’m fine. I’m fine.
*sigh*
He fuckkkkking sparkles in the sun.
*sigh*
He fuckkkkking sparkles in the sun.
Doing this sober was a bad idea.
Need I remind you I’m only 51 minutes in and a god damn sparkle skinned sociopath is breaking me. I have 69 minutes left. I can’t even laugh at 69.
Need I remind you I’m only 51 minutes in and a god damn sparkle skinned sociopath is breaking me. I have 69 minutes left. I can’t even laugh at 69.
Okay. Okay. Back to it.
Bella thinks he’s beautiful, but Edward admits he’s a predator. Ya watch teen girls sleep. We know you’re a predator.
Bella thinks he’s beautiful, but Edward admits he’s a predator. Ya watch teen girls sleep. We know you’re a predator.
Edward then shows off his physical prowess and shows Bella that he can do anything he wants. He can kill people. He can stalk teens as they sleep. He can eat ice cream without gaining weight.
He then says he straight up wanted to feed upon her.
He also says that his family and him only hunt animals.
He then says she’s like heroin. Uh. Heroin doesn’t come from wood pulp.
He also says that his family and him only hunt animals.
He then says she’s like heroin. Uh. Heroin doesn’t come from wood pulp.
Bella hears all this and still wants him.
Edward then once more doesn’t get that Bella isn’t blocking his thoughts. Planks can’t think!!!!
Edward then once more doesn’t get that Bella isn’t blocking his thoughts. Planks can’t think!!!!
It starts to get real weird and creepy. He’s 108 and she’s a 16 year old piece of Douglas fir.
They then lay down beside each other on the ground and creepily stare at each other. This is some kind of weird cult sex thing.
A ray of sunshine lands on his face and he fuckkkkking sparkles more.
We get narration. Plank tells us things we already know. Like Edward is a vampire. The sky is blue. Only you can prevent forest fires and awful vampire sparkle movies.
She then says she’s in love with him.
She then says she’s in love with him.
Teenagers. Right? Always doing stupid things. Staying out late. Hanging out with he wrong crowd. Succumbing to peer pressure.
Dating hundred year old blood demons who tell you they want to drain you of your life force. Ya know. The usual.
Dating hundred year old blood demons who tell you they want to drain you of your life force. Ya know. The usual.
We get more school prom drama and I get to contemplate my life choices.
Bella walks in with Edward as everyone stares.
Bella walks in with Edward as everyone stares.
Bella then asks questions using pauses…like…this.
We find out that Dr Collins only converts people who are dying. Does that include those who wish they were because he’d have his veritable selection these days. Right folks?
Hahaha. Quarantine is fun!!!!
Hahaha. Quarantine is fun!!!!
We find out in 1918 Edward was dying of Spanish Influenza. Man. That’d be crazy to have a global pandemic of a novel virus that’s killing millions.
What a crazy plot line!!!
What a crazy plot line!!!
Oh, my god. I have been watching and typing about this for over two hours. I am halfway done. This was the worst idea ever.
There is so much shit that I have to type it all.
Edward then talks shit about tofu and the vegetarian lifestyle. What a dick.
We find out that other vampires aren’t as nice and we find out that each vampire has a unique power.
Edward’s is reading minds and terrible editing.
Oops. Edward’s accent slipped.
Edward’s is reading minds and terrible editing.
Oops. Edward’s accent slipped.
Edward leaves and drives by Billy and Jacob. Billy gives Edward the best “Fuck around and find out” look.
Billy then tells Bella that Jacob is into her.
#TeamJacob
Billy then tells Bella that Jacob is into her.
#TeamJacob
We now go to Eddie’s house. Very modern. He shits all over coffins because all vampire mythos can eat a dick.
The Collins are making dinner as the plank comes upstairs.
Eddie’s sister throws a shit fit when Bella tells them she ate. Well. Her manipulative boyfriend says that.
Then we get family drama about being exposed as vampires because jfnxndnxndjdndkskskdjdjdjdjdjdjrdjdjjddndndndnxnxnxnxnx
Then we get family drama about being exposed as vampires because jfnxndnxndjdndkskskdjdjdjdjdjdjrdjdjjddndndndnxnxnxnxnx
I don’t care about the family. I want them all to get staked.
Now we get to the part where Edward brags about how many high schools he’s graduated from.
We need to have a difficult talk about how Edward acts like a teen when he’s an old man. I don’t care that he looks 17. He’s 108. Just because he looks it doesn’t make it true and this whole thing is god damn disgusting.
We also find out Edward doesn’t sleep. I wish I was asleep.
We also find out that Edward loves Debussy. Don’t we all?
Plank pretends like she knows music. She only knows the song because her mother was used in a concert piano.
Ugh. Edward says he could make plank dance. Then he…hahaha. He puts her on his shoulder as he jumps around trees.
This. The god damn flying in Superman on the late 70s looked better!!!
This. The god damn flying in Superman on the late 70s looked better!!!
We get some cool shots of Washington from way up in a tree the pervert is seducing plank in.
If you look in the background there is a river. Past that are trees. Buried underneath one of those trees are my hopes and dreams.
If you look in the background there is a river. Past that are trees. Buried underneath one of those trees are my hopes and dreams.
We cut to Edward playing the piano made from plank’s mother. Bella keeps trying to play chopsticks, but Edward goes off on a racist rant. He can’t help it. He’s 108.
We then see the sheriff hunting down the hunting hunter demons.
We cut to Fignewton trying to give plank solid advice to not date a guy over 90.
At this time I’d like to inform you this made 407 million dollars.
We are a terrible species.
We are a terrible species.
We cut to a diner scene where the sheriff tells plank she can go okay with her friends. Bella thinks they’re too immature. They’re 90’years too young for her.
We get Bella talking to her mom while plank brags about loving forks.
Oh, Jesus. Edward just appeared in her bedroom as she’s talking to her mom. Wtf!!!
Oh, Jesus. Edward just appeared in her bedroom as she’s talking to her mom. Wtf!!!
Is it normal to be able to see the smell of suckiness this movie exudes???
We also find out Edward “likes to watch you sleep. It’s kinda fascinating to me.”
This is not okay. None of this is okay!! None of this!!!!!!!
This is not okay. None of this is okay!! None of this!!!!!!!
They finally kiss. That’s right. The guy who was like 91 when Bella was born is…ugh.
We get more talk s out him not losing control before he leaves while…I. I can’t feel my feet.
My body is trying to cut off blood flow to my brain to end this movie.
My body is trying to cut off blood flow to my brain to end this movie.
Plank tells her dad she likes the 108 year old dude. In fact he’s there to talk to her dad.
Can I point out that Edward was probably around 70 when the SHERIFF was born!!!!!!!!
Can I point out that Edward was probably around 70 when the SHERIFF was born!!!!!!!!
This is not god damn romantic. Edward is a monster.
Oh, god. They’re gonna go play baseball in a storm.
Why can they only play during a thunderstorm? Because they’re so powerful the baseball cracking against the bat is loud.
Why can they only play during a thunderstorm? Because they’re so powerful the baseball cracking against the bat is loud.
A few things. One. How would the baseball handle that. It would most like have the skin knocked off it.
Second. If I heard a loud thunder sound when there was no storm, I’d just assume it’s like construction or something.
Not vampires playing the lamest game of baseball ever!
Second. If I heard a loud thunder sound when there was no storm, I’d just assume it’s like construction or something.
Not vampires playing the lamest game of baseball ever!
Yeah. Sure they can hit hard, but they suck otherwise.
Now we’re confronted with the bad bad vampires.
They’re worried they’ll smell Bella blah blah blahdndnrjrjdndnddkdkdndm
They’re worried they’ll smell Bella blah blah blahdndnrjrjdndnddkdkdndm
We have three bad vampires looking like rejects from a Witcher cosplay convention.
These bad vampires try tod fjdnnfjjfnfndndnxdndndnd d Dodd dnd dndnd d dnddnd d
This is the most boring confrontation ever. I had more cdmdnndnndmdmdmdmdmdmd
I just don’t care anymore.
This is the most boring confrontation ever. I had more cdmdnndnndmdmdmdmdmdmd
I just don’t care anymore.
The bad vampires realize plank is wood instead of a vampire. They want to use her to make a shelf.
They hiss and try to intimidate the Collins, but it’s like a baby kitten hissing. It’s almost adorable.
They hiss and try to intimidate the Collins, but it’s like a baby kitten hissing. It’s almost adorable.
And this is like a lamer Westside Story.
After they finish their dance routine, the bad vampires leave and Eddie leaves with plank. Plank attempts to act scared but sounds more like she dropped an ice cream.
We find out that one of the bad vampires likes to hunt humans. Which is weird since plank is just compressed wood pulp.
You ever watch Deadwood? When Bella is angry, she sounds like she’s trying to copy Calamity Jane, but she has a broken jaw.
Lots of cursing in this video.
Lots of cursing in this video.
Plank stomps her feet after ignoring Edward’s advice to not bring her scent to her dad’s house. Bella wants her staple collection or some shit.
Bella’s dad shows genuine concern as plank mumbles about breaking up and shit.
The bad vampire is outside.
Bella’s dad shows genuine concern as plank mumbles about breaking up and shit.
The bad vampire is outside.
Bella says she’s going to drive to her mom’s place. Bella’s dad tries to keep her there. Tries to bond. Tries everything and Bella just shits on him.
Like goes wayyyyy over the line needed to convince him why she’s leaving.
Like goes wayyyyy over the line needed to convince him why she’s leaving.
Edward demands to drive as plank whines that she was too mean to him.
Oh, shit. They have a vampire convoy!
Bella sees her friends out having fun, but you wanted to date a 108 year old dude.
Bella sees her friends out having fun, but you wanted to date a 108 year old dude.
One of the bad vampires was actually an okay vampire. He warns them about the two coming.
They prepare for the battle and I prepare to never watch another movie again.
They prepare for the battle and I prepare to never watch another movie again.
Look. I’m not saying reviewing this is like giving birth. I’m just saying reviewing this is as close to the pain of giving birth a man can have without having his anus blown apart.
So the Collins are trying to lure the bad vampires away while protecting their favorite wood cutting.
I once got really, really drunk and wrote a story about a guy being eaten by an alien creature that looked like a burrito.
It had more realistic dialogue and moments of tenderness than this steaming pile of guano.
It had more realistic dialogue and moments of tenderness than this steaming pile of guano.
We get a bunch of scenes of vampires marking trees with Bella’s scent and they make it down to Arizona in record breaking time.
The bad vampire guy figures out the ruse and I figure that whiskey poured into my eye makes this more bearable.
We get a bit of blah blah with a whole lot of bluh bluh.
Hshshshshshshshshshsh hahahahsbsbxndn
I just. I just. Hshahahshshshs.
I. I. Oh, god. This scene. This scene. Hahahahahahaha.
I just. I just. Hshahahshshshs.
I. I. Oh, god. This scene. This scene. Hahahahahahaha.
Okay. Okay. Bella gets a call from her mom and it’s the most obvious soundboard prank call ever. Plank would have to have an IQ of a piece of wood to believe it’s her mom.
It’s the most obvious trap ever. No one with a single brain cell for fall for it.
It’s the most obvious trap ever. No one with a single brain cell for fall for it.
So Bella falls for it.
Okay. This is the “this is the IRS. Send us apple gift cards or we’re gonna arrest you” of movie scenes. Hahahaha.
I just. I just can’t with this. She’s the kind of person who thinks those emails are legit. She keeps every MLM scam alive and running.
So of course it was a trap at plank’s old ballet school. It’s impressive that Douglas fir can dance.
Hahaha. Plank tries to act angry, but it sounds like she’s choking on Doritos.
We’re treated to scene that.
Did I remember to get peaches?
Did I remember to get peaches?
So. After two seconds of Bella pretending wood planks feel pain, Edward appears.
What happens next is a battle so riveting that you could use it to put insomniacs to sleep.
The bad dude bites plank and plank trips.
What happens next is a battle so riveting that you could use it to put insomniacs to sleep.
The bad dude bites plank and plank trips.
The others arrive to stop Eddie from offing the bad dude.
Bella is on the ground shaking like a leaf in the wind.
Bella is on the ground shaking like a leaf in the wind.
Meanwhile the others burn the bad vampire. Imagine being the owner of that ballet.
You come in one day and your studio is fucked. You see broken mirrors and walls and your floor is ripped up. There’s something you think is wood pulp.
And, in the middle, a burnt up vampire.
You come in one day and your studio is fucked. You see broken mirrors and walls and your floor is ripped up. There’s something you think is wood pulp.
And, in the middle, a burnt up vampire.
Try explaining that shit to your insurance.
“Uh. Hi. It looks like a family of vampires broke in, they bit a plank of wood, and used my flooring as kindling to torch a vampire with a ponytail. Yeah. I know they look stupid. What do you mean my insurance doesn’t cover ponytails?”
“Uh. Hi. It looks like a family of vampires broke in, they bit a plank of wood, and used my flooring as kindling to torch a vampire with a ponytail. Yeah. I know they look stupid. What do you mean my insurance doesn’t cover ponytails?”
Oh. Right. This pile of shit is still playing. I was too busy thinking of how much more interesting the insurance claim at the ballet studio would be.
So Bella is desperately pretending that she is turning into a vampire when plank’s can’t. Edward has to suck the vampire poison out.
Edward then has to stop sucking up her sap. Meanwhile Bella trips balls.
Edward then has to stop sucking up her sap. Meanwhile Bella trips balls.
We get more narration. Plank apparently was unconscious when she read those lines. They pumped oxygen into her lungs and pushed down on her chest and the noises it makes were used in her narration.
Plank wakes up in the hospital and we get the dumbest fake injury story ever.
Ugh. My hand hurts typing this shit out. I’m causing permanent damage for this abomination.
Ugh. My hand hurts typing this shit out. I’m causing permanent damage for this abomination.
Bella is then given a choice between Florida and some shithole town in Washington riddled with vampires, rain, and bad Mexican food.
Yeah. I would be conflicted, too.
Yeah. I would be conflicted, too.
Edward does more gaslighting by telling her to go to Florida. Plank tries to emote, but she has too many splintered edges.
Ah, god. Edward did that to make plank panic about losing him. Ewww. What an absolute monster. Even if he wasn’t 108, this shit would be wrong.
Plank hobbles her ass down the stairs and she comments on her leg cast. Apparently Edward has a fetish for that because he calls it perfect.
Her dad shows genuine love and affection for her.
Her dad shows genuine love and affection for her.
Jacob is there to tell plank to break up with Edward. I mean. Edward is only 91 years older than her.
Jacob is going to help her, but Edward senses a guy helping her. He instantly gets jealous and storms off with Bella. Jacob leaves.
Jacob is going to help her, but Edward senses a guy helping her. He instantly gets jealous and storms off with Bella. Jacob leaves.
Edward then shit talks Jacob. What a monster.
They get prom photos. It should be noted this is probably Edward’s 20th prom of not more.
Bella sees her young friends carefree life as she is mentally and emotionally shackled to a 108 year old manipulative piece of shit.
He then takes her away from her friends to go dance outside. Classic severing friendships that abusers do.
Edward spins a piece of wood around a gazebo. Bella keeps pointing at pieces of wood that make up the gazebo and going “Hey. That’s my cousin!!”
Bella asks why he didn’t let her become a vampire. Edward says she has to grow older. Yeah. Just another manipulative tactic.
They talk about forever and ever and I want this to end.
Edward teases immortality, but stops. We then realize that Edward likes to watch his conquests grow old and die. It’s just another form of control.
They dance around as a young girl kisses a 108 year old man!!!!!
End. End you piece of shit. End!!
The other bad vampire watches them dance and ksjdndndnd who cares!!
It’s done!!!!!!!
Thank god.
Well. That was Twilight. A story about an abusive, manipulative, gaslighting monster who is over 90 years older than the young girl he’s trying to get with.
Everything about this relationship is wrong. Everything!!!
Fuck this movie!
Everything about this relationship is wrong. Everything!!!
Fuck this movie!
Can I point out we didn’t get any good Jacob? Ugh. I have to watch the sequel don’t I?
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