Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So I've been doing reviews for almost 2 weeks straight now and I realize it's definitely unsustainable. I mean it takes a lot of energy and focus, especially with the longer ones.

So that's why I'm going to review #Titanic

Starring Leonardo DiVincio and Kate Wimbledonset.

OH, god. I immediately regret this. Like. 100% regret typing that out.

Ugh....WHY WOULD I DO THIS????

Understand I will be taking breaks. Like. Straight up will be taking breaks. This thing is longer than my willpower can sustain.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF. IT'S LIKE EATING TACO BELL!

Anyway. It also has Billy Zane (Who is the best thing ever and the TRUE hero of this movie) and Kathy Bates (who is fantastic as a musical character lead).

There are others like Bill Paxton, etc. too

Uh. Is there time for me to delete this?

I mean...I'd only piss off like 10 people. Hell. I would probably make 50 people happier.

I need a moment.

I...I just realized I have to deal with My Heart Will Go On and I'm just not mentally prepared.

I haven't seen this since it came out on VHS. I remember it was in 2 videocassettes.

Okay.

Let's do this.

We start with an underwater Wall-E. Uh. Sea-E.

It's exploring the ocean bottom looking for my will to live.

We get broll from Cameron's vacation. Dude probably wrote his damn hobby off as a tax expense.

Sea-E is going through the ruins of...the Spanish Armada?

Bill Paxton does some documentary narration as they go searching for gold like they're in the Treasure of Sierra Madre.

We get so much exposition for this documentary. It's like a youtube video because he just exaggerates and shit.

"IF THESE WINDOWS GO...WE GO!!"

GAME OVER, MAN. Right, Bill?

This documentary on the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald is as exciting as waiting for an oscar for decades.

I'm gonna eat some ramen while we wait.

The pulse slowing action just won't stop. IT WON'T STOP!!!!

Basically, Bill Pax Romana is a treasure hunter looking for ...I think it's a golden ticket. Not sure.

It's not a big deal and never brought up again.

We get the world's most boring VR game as they flip stuff over and find a safe.

Bill Pax Romana celebrates by saying he's giving them all a payday. Those are pretty solid. I like peanuts.

They open the safe like a bunch of scavengers and it releases water and sludge.

Hahaha. He got Geraldoed.

They're cleaning off some old documents when we discover grandpa's old porn stash.

Man. Life back then had to suckkkkkkk.

You gotta rely on sketchings like a damn caveman.

We cut to someone's Nana's house as they pack her things to send her off to the nursing home.

This is Rose. I don't like Rose.

HE COULD HAVE FIT ON IT, TOO!!!!

YOU MONSTER!!!!

*long sigh*

So we watch some old woman who let her kids live in mediocrity because she wanted to keep her little love secret INSTEAD OF MAKING HER FAMILY WEALTHY AND HAPPY.

I DON'T CARE THAT YOUR CHILDHOOD SUCKED, ROSE. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!!

Anyway. We find out Rose was the star of grandpa's porn stash.

She crank calls Bill and then taunts his ass.

Rose says she's the woman in the sketching and they fly her out so she can TELL THE WORLD'S LONGEST TALE THAT NO ONE WOULD SIT AND LISTEN TO!!

Like. Seriously, Rose. You could have just gone "LOL. I lost the necklace" instead of bragging about getting railed in a car to your granddaughter and strangers.

*long sigh*

We find out that Rose faked her death and we get some of her backstory. Mostly about how she married a man and had kids and grandkids and NEVER CARED ABOUT THEM BECAUSE WHEN SHE DIES SHE GOES BACK TO JACK!!

Sorry. I just...I really don't like this movie.

Rose lands on the ship and brings all her shit with her. Just tons of photos and you JUST KNOW SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT THEM.

She drags her granddaughter along and makes her take care of her.

Ya know what could take care of you? MONEY FROM THE PRICELESS NECKLACE!!!!

We get a bit of background about the necklace and Rose says it's her.

Her granddaughter rightly points out she's just a crazy old lady. I mean..if she was a rich woman...WHY DIDN'T SHE GIVE ANY TO HER GRANDKIDS????

*long sigh*

I can't wait for Rose apologists to come in here and stan for her.

Sorry. Sorry.

I...one moment. Gotta calm down.

So Rose proves she’s the Rose from the picture. We then get more of the documentary as the comic relief gives us visuals on the sinking.

Rose isn’t impressed by technology because she is the worst.

Rose starts to hallucinate.

Her granddaughter wants to take her to rest, but Rose demands to tell her long ass story. She’s snarky as hell to her audience. She would do well on social media.

She then brags about being first like she’s a YouTube commentator.

We get CGI shots of the SS Minnow.

Rich dbags force peasants to get out of their way as they get on the cruise ship.

We’re introduced to a young Rose and Billy Zane. Billy Zane is the best. Even as a bad guy he is fantastic.

We also are introduced to Zane’s manservant played by the dude who made the ooze that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also. One of their staterooms has a tinnnnnn rooooofffffff….rusted.

Ya know what. I like young Rose. Her name is now Bloom. Don’t worry. She’ll be Rose later or when I get annoyed.

Uh. Okay, Rose. I get that your rich lifestyle was oppressive and being a woman back then wasn’t easy, but calling it a slave ship and saying you’re enslaved is some Karen shit to say.

You’re*

We cut away from the rich and move to the poor. Leo is playing cards. It’s sorta ironic. See. He thought his friend was inviting him to “Poke Her Gams.” Which is slang for boinking back then. Instead he is at a poker game and gets proper fucked.

Not right then. He wins the hand. Leo and his buddy now have tickets on Titanic in the broke section.

They run to catch the ship. All the while Leo is just spewing nonsense to his buddy.

They get onto the ship at the last second. They claim to be lucky, but Leo is wrong.

We next get shots from the ship as people wave goodbye forever.

We see the walking dead as they go through tight corridors and into their room.

Cut to the rich having it better than all of us.

We also find out Rose has tons of art. Like it’d been a damn museum worth now.

Of course we get the “joke” of them insulting Picasso as if will never amount to anything.

We get introduced to the Unsinkable Molly Bates. She’s the best.

We then see captain blindside telling his men to go full speed ahead into an iceberg.

We now see the exploitation of labor by the bourgeoisie in the boiler room.

Now we get to one of the many little insufferable quotes.

Like in context it’s fine. However, like Borat and Napoleon Dynamite, people will run this joke into the ground. To this day people will quote this if at the front of a ship.

Just stop it.

Leo continues to celebrate his Oscar for what seems like forever.

Then it does a Star Trek the Movie of the Titanic’s exterior.

We cut to a lunch of rich people bragging and some guy screaming “Don’t open the book” or something.

Rose’s mom then tells her to stop smoking. Oh, no, Rose. Ya don’t get to give others secondhand smoke.

(Yeah. I get it’s part of her oppressive life.)

Zane is a bit of a dick and orders for her. That’s not cool.

Molly Bates calls him out on it.

Rose then tries to impress people by talking about Freud.

Zane then says more terrible things. Not cool, dude.

Now we cut to Leo sketching people without their permission. If some dude sketched me and my hypothetical daughter, I’d be pissed.

We then have subtle social commentary and Jack meets the person who will watch him die needlessly.

Zane is a jerk again. Not cool.

We then hear Rose whine about being wealthy and well fed and trapped. Like. That sucks, but realize that there are people on that ship who would kill for that life of stability.

Man. I’m really railing into Rose. Speaking of rails, Rose climbs over one.

I won’t poke fun at this because depression and all that is a serious subject. So. Let’s just say that Leo stops her from something and move on.

(And don't take me hammering Rose as an attack on someone caught in an abusive relationship or familial pressure. This is a "comedy" review and avoids serious issues because...uh...I'm an idiot who can say dumb things.)

So Leo grabs Rose because she can fall off the back and some sailors comes up on this thinking he's attacked her.

Not a great look.

Authorities are called and it gets awkward.

Rose tells Zane that she slipped and Leo saved her. Zane has a sexist point-of-view on women and their inability to have their own thoughts and interests.

Look. Zane himself is awesome, his character is a total dbag. I see them as separate things.

Anyway. Leo is invited to dinner as a bit of a joke by Zane.

It's like that episode of Always Sunny with the Tafts.

We then cut to Zane giving Rose that necklace. The necklace she could have sold to make her family comfortable.

The necklace is called the Heart of the Female Horse.

We now get a scene b/w Leo and Rose. Leo gives his background while Rose came to thank Leo for saving her.

Rose shows some self awareness. Don't worry. She'll still let Leo DIE!

We find out that Rose feels trapped by family pressure to marry Zane.

We also find out that she lives in Philadelphia. Uh. I understand why she's miserable now.

TAKE THAT PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Leo pries if she loves Zane and Rose uses a thesaurus to insult Leo.

She Karens about a bit.

Hahaha. She literally tells him that "This is my part of the ship. You leave."

Then she insults his drawings.

WOW. And people like her???

She stops shitting all over Leo once she steals his drawings and looks through them.

So...if he had been a bad artist, would she have just left after shitting on him?

WTF.

She then judges him for naked photos of women. Uh. Rose. You're not dating him. You have no say in this.

She points out her drew this one woman several times and Leo lies and says it's about her hands. Uh...I think that's old timey code for handjobs.

Leo lays on the charm to lay on her charms.

We cut to tea time as Molly Bates tries to join. The rich ladies try to leave without her, but Molly will have none of that.

I love Molly Bates.

I also love tea. Tea is the bomb. It's...AMAZING.

We also find out that the Egyptologist screaming about the book wants the Titanic to go faster.

He tells Captain DrunkAndSmash to go faster.

The Captain screams about monkeys and then 'FULL STEAM AHEAD, FUCKERS!!'

Rose talks about the grass being greener as she implies she wants to go Santa Monica and Chill with Leo.

Jack does something no man ever tries to teach a woman...how to spit.

HEYYYOOOOOO

Rose's mom sees her spitting with Leo and just judges the hell out of them.

We now go to dinner for the rich. Leo is the entertainment. He's basically an organ grinder monkey to these jackals.

Molly is nice enough to give him some sick threads to wear.

Molly Bates is awesome.

Molly says "You shine up like a new penny."

It should be noted that back then a penny could buy you a house.

That's why the Lost Generation always whined about the Silent generation being "lazy" because they had to make at least a quarter to buy a house.

Rich people looking like tools and Jack trying to blend in like a hoe.

So funny story. One of the families on this ship are the Astors. You might know the name because they named Astoria after them.

Astoria is where they filmed movies like The Goonies.

You know what the Goonies would never do? LET THEIR FRIENDS DIE NEEDLESSLY WHEN THERE WAS SPACE!

Zane rich guys is up by seeing the poor guy looking good as basically a monkey in a suit and "amazing you look like us."

More rich people intros and Molly comes in to bring Jack and Rose into dinner.

Molly is the best.

We get blah blah rich people blah blah blah blah.

Of course Rose's mom cockblocks Leo by pointing out that Leo is poor to the others.

We get more ship stories and Leo rightly tells them to take the caviar and piss off with it.

Leo entertains the rich by being novelly interesting.

Rose's mom just Karens it up. Gee. I wonder where Rose got that from.

"I got the air in my lungs" -- Leo

Not for long. Not while Rose has a lust for blood.

Leo prattles on. Basically, he sounds like all those boring as hell inspiration twitters. Just bland statements about life.

If Leo was alive today, he would 100% post youtube vlogs about being positive and say namaste after every sentence.

Zane and the others go to smoke and Zane gets one last hammering into Leo.

Leo then leaves, but not before passing a note to Rose like they're in third grade.

"Will you leave me to die? Yes. No."

Rose checked Yes 50 times.

Rose goes "slumming" in the poor passenger passage party parlor.

They Riverdance!

We now get OH SO SUBTLE cuts b/w what the rich and the poor do..

IT'S SO SUBTLE. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO CONSIDERING HOW SUBTLE IT IS???!!!

OH, SHIT. It's the prequel to Over the Top!!!

Zane's manservant is spying.

They continue to party in the poor passenger parlor of poverty.

We cut to a sweet breakfast.

Like. I want that.

Uh. Zane is an abusive dick.

Like. Don't act like Zane's character. That's not cool at all.

Rose 100% shouldn't be in that relationship and her mom sucks for pressuring her into it.

We find out that Rose is actually poor. Her dad was dumb as hell when it came to finances. I mean investing all your money in beanie babies in the 90s and expecting it'll always boom kind of stupid.

See. Rose's mom wants Rose to marry Zane so they can have money.

It's pretty sucky for Rose.

(Still doesn't explain why she doesn't sell the necklace for money to help her kids. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PERPETUATE THE CYCLE!)

We get rich people unironically pretending like they follow the teachings of Jesus.

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".

Suck on that rich people.

Leo tries to poor person his way into the rich area, but he gets shut down.

Zane's manservant offers him money and a slapdown for being poor.

Haha. How have I not made a Dawson's Creek joke yet?

Hahaha. Rose would have let Jack drown in that bit of water, too.

Captain SmashAndSink decides to make the ship go even faster.

We now get the neglect that went into the Titanic and also one of the origins of modern safety standards.

See. There aren't enough boats for all the passengers.

Arrogance makes fools of us all.

Leo gets Rose to follow him. Leo is like a male praying mantis. He knows that mating will mean he'll get his head eaten, but...dude's gonna dude.

Leo lays the charms on thick. I mean really go at it.

He's known Rose for a day and he thinks he's in love.

I mean this is just Romeo + Juliet without the awesome music.

Okay. I gotta take a bit of a break. Be back in a bit.

Have this to help entertain you

Okay. I'm back. How in sweet hell has it only been an hour?

So Leo tries to seduce Rose, but Rose says she's doing her own thing. That's cool.

Then we see Rose with a thousand yard stare as her mother prattles on.

We're back to Leo no longer feeling like the king of the worl...

OH GOD THAT FUCKING SONG!!!

Rose is there for Leo...

THIS SONG SUCKS!!!

WHY THE HELL DID ANYONE LIKE THIS SONG? HOW DID THIS ...I have to check something.

THIS WON AN OSCAR?

THIS????? THIS?????!!!!!!!

THIS IS WHY NO ONE SHOULD RESPECT THE OSCARS!!!!

I mean the competition was just okay that year, but me farting on a piano is more oscar worthy than that pile of crap.

This song sounds like someone took a pig, strapped a bullhorn to its snout, and shoved it into a sack with a ravenous wolverine.

Okay. Good. Just a bit of that hell song. It's like a song inoculation.

Ugh. Okay. We cut back to old Rose (Shriveled Rose as the kids call her).

We find out

*farts onto piano*

Leo is now in Rose's room after making out with Rose.

Leo looks at Monet and other artists.

See. We

*burps*

Oh, god.

We're going to get that drawing scene.

Rose shows off the necklace she could have used to make her grandkids have a better life.

She wants Jack to "Draw me like one of your French Girls."

Apparently Leo is a pimp or something.

*burps*

Man. That song is legit giving me indigestion I think.

So Rose wants Jack to draw her "WEARING THIS NECKLACE AND ONLY THIS NECKLACE. I WANT YOU TO DRAW ME NAKED. SEE THAT'S WHAT I MEAN BY THAT TURN OF PHRASE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW CLEVER I AM."

"Also. I'm going to watch you die."

So Rose strips down and Jack tells her to lie down on the couch.

As Jack begins to draw, his hands magically turn into an older man's hands.

And, yes, it's Cameron's hands. I understand Cameron.

Uh.

Yeah. Teenager me loved this scene.

Hell...who am I kidding?

"Yeah. Put your hand up there. It makes your boobs jiggle a bit."

Jack is somehow able to draw.

Oh, god. That's how. That song begins again and that song could destroy any arousal any human could have.

This movie definitely climaxed here.

Wait. That was the audience.

Rose turns into the joker.

Leo sorta sucks at getting a real life reflection of Rose in that drawing.

OH, god.

Old Rose ruins this scene by breaking into it and then talking about sex.

*gags*

Ugh. Between that song and thinking about old Rose getting plowed, I'm gonna need some pepto.

We find Zane wanting to know where his beau go.

Meanwhile, Captain 'FUCKICEBERGSWEGOTTHISSHIT' goes full balls to the walls ahead.

The captain is shown drinking tea, but I swear it has to be liquor because he doesn't give a Fuckkkkkkk about icebergs.

Dude thinks it's 2014 and icebergs are a myth.

Rose and Leo hide from Zane's manservant.

They play a game of cat and mouse.

Remember The Shining where there is an intense chase scene. There is fear and tension and it's infinitely entertaining?

This movie is the opposite of that.

We get another tour of the titanic and my interest in this movie has waned.

There's a joke there I won't make.

THey go into the storage and find a car to fuck in.

Leo pretends to be her driver and starts the engine. They both die from carbon monoxide.

Ha.

I kid. You know they have steamy sex while that song threatens to play.

Meanwhile two lookouts give exposition about not having binoculars...

Then we cut back to the Terminator being lowered into...oh...that's just her hand sliding down like in the gif in the above post. I guess I should have saved it.

Which is the opposite of what Rose did to Leo.

Hahaha. They had steamy sex on a steamer.

Zane finds the naked sketch of Rose and doesn't destroy it.

He's pissed and wants revenge.

REVENGE OF THE ZANEEEEE!

Rose leaves the di*k for the deck.

Heyyyoooo.

We also hear rose say "I'm getting off with you."

Uh. I hope you already did else Leo isn't very considerate.

The lookouts are busy watching Rose and Leo.

They were too busy looking at that to notice the MASSIVE ICEBERG coming right at them.

'ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!!!!'

Does...does the Titanic sink?????

So they try to unfuck the situation that Captain IcebergsAreALibcuckLie got them into, but they're too late.

I'm only halfway through and the only scene I even remotely remember has already happened.

This god damn movie makes a massive ship HAMMERING INTO A GOD DAMN MOUNTAIN OF ICE boring.

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FUCK. I feel asleep onto my keyboard.

Man. These poor people get trapped in the boiler room.

If this happened today, the right wing media would blame them for the accident while saying the rich people behind the design were the victims of lazy workers.

YA FUCKING KNOW IT'S TRUE!

Captain DrunkDodgeIcebergs comes onto the bridge and accesses why his night drinking was interrupted.

He keeps screaming "ICEBERGS CAN'T PUNCTURE STEEL BEAMS!!"

Man. This scene just sums up our current environmental issues.

A rich woman comes out and asks what's going on. Ya know. An impending disaster that could spell the end for all.

The employee just goes "Oh, it was just a bippy bop bop. No thing."

And the rich go on ignoring it.

Leo and Rose overhear exposition that basically means they're proper fucked.

Zane, by the way, has set up Leo as a thief.

Zane has the coppers search Leo. Zane's manservant had planted on it and Leo screams conspiracy.

Rose thinks he's innocent and Zane makes a snide remark.

More bippy bop bop nonsense.

Okay. This scene sums up our environmental issues, too.

The ship is sinking and rich people are causing problems for the poor and distractions instead of trying to fix things.

The builder of the ship comes in.

Uh. I think he's Irish and he basically does the line from Braveheart slightly altered.

"The good lord thinks he can't get me out of this...and you're fucked, too."

Then Mel Gibson comes in and headbutts the Captain.

We find out there's maybe 2 hours left and that the poor are doomed.

So they do what any rich person would do. Lie to the poor and let the rich escape unscathed.

OH, COME ON ZANE. DO NOT HIT ANYONE!

Oh, shit. This steward trying to get Zane to come onto the deck reminds me of that translation alien from Battlefield Earth "IF IT PLEASES YOU" blah blah.

Captain WeGonnaSlamYeah wants his man to send a telegram that, I think, it just this 8======= ) ~~~~~

Meanwhile, we get some sweet life boat lowering action.

People aren't taking this shit serious.

I don't know about you, but if they told me we slammed into a god damn ice mountain...I'd take them serious.

Let me point out I would 100% ignore that stupid "women and children only" nonsense.

Screw that.

So I will not shame anyone who snuck onto boats.

Only a sucker wouldn't do otherwise.

The ship builder tells Rose 'WE'RE ALL FUCKED!'

Meanwhile, Leo gets cuffed while Zane's manservant watches.

Man. I would totally be on the first boat going "LET'S GO, ASSHOLES. LOWER IT!"

So the rich and elite (women and children only because people think dying is manly or some shit) are the only ones let onto the life saving boats.

So...basically it's a what'd happen now except for the not letting rich men on. These days the men would be the first on.

The poor are given sucky life vests and a good yelling at.

MORE HOT LIFE BOAT LOWERING ACTION.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

I'm not

Titanic is looking a bit down on itself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

IT'S SINKING AND THOUSANDS WILL NEEDLESSLY DIE DUE TO THE ARROGANCE OF MAN THINKING IT HAS DOMINANCE OVER NATURE!!!

Leo is left to die in some room while Zane's manservant leaves.

Zane correctly asks to be let on. This is supposed to be shameful to the audience, but, again, screw that.

Rose, rightly, points out that people are going to die.

This would be an amazing moment of growth...IF SHE DIDN'T LET LEO DIE!

Zane comments that he basically is leaving Leo to die.

Rose runs away. Why? Because she wants to be the one who kills Leo. She wants to be the one who watches the life go out of his eyes.

Zane tries to stop her, but Rose spits in his face (ASSAULT!!!) and Rose goes to find her prey.

Leo is trying to get people's attention. Either that or he's trying to join the music group Stomp.

Does...does anyone remember Stomp? I think they were in an episode of Roseanne.

Rose demands help finding her prey from the ship builder. He tells her where she can find Leo.

Rose Karens her way into getting an elevator lift down below.

Uh. YOU ENDANGERED THAT POOR MAN'S LIFE SO YOU COULD COULD WATCH LEO DIE.

YOU MONSTER!!

The elevator operator rightly leaves her ass down there to drown.

Leave it to a rich person to think their life is more important.

Rose uses echo location to find Leo.

Leo asks her to free him.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

None of this matters because you LEAVE HIM TO DIE ANYWAY!

How is there an hour left????

Rose assaults an employee who is trying to save her life. He assumes she's in hysterics because, ya know, THE GOD DAMN BOAT IS SINKING AND ONLY A CRAZY PERSON WOULD STAY BELOW.

Rose grabs the fire ax and runs to go ...

OH SHIT. DID YOU NOTICE THAT HE'S NAMED JACK AND JACK IS THE NAME OF THE GUY IN THE SHINING AND HE HAS AN AX.

Rose wading through water.

So exciting.

I'm going to go watch paint dry to get my heart rate up to a point of LIVING

Rose tries to "Here's Johnny" Leo, but she misses and hits the cuffs instead.

Like legit story time. The first several boats that left were half full. More people could have survived, but a mix of arrogance that the ship wouldn't sink and not caring if the poor lived led to untold dozens dying needlessly.

They begin to separate families so that the men can just god damn die for some idiotic reason.

Like...seriously. Screw this stereotype. I would, as I said, be on the boat first thing.

The Ship builder rightly calls the workers out for not filling the boats.

Oh, man. This next scene 100% sums up society.

The poor are locked in so they can't get to the boats the rich are barely filling. And we have other poor people doing the dirty work of the rich by killing and blocking the poor trying to escape.

This is reality.

Leo and Rose and the poor are stuck. Hey. There's Leo's friend. I hope he doesn't get got. He's...uhh...we know little about him.

Leo uses his threatening charms in an attempt to get out of their cages.

Despite all his rage he's still just a rat in a cage.

They use a bench to ..uh...what's...dammit..my brain has turned to moosh.

Uhh...door smashy..uhh...not a catapult.

Like...a ram. ..to batter things down.

Oh, right. A Door Rammer.

They break on THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE. BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAKKKKKK

They then make their way to try to survive despite the rich trying to end all the poor.

Meanwhile, the stans for the rich try to stop them.

Oh, shit. I think covid just hit them because some dude is using a beam to keep people back 6 feet.

Oh, shit. This dude uses his 2nd amend. rights to keep the riff raff back.

It's weird since he's a British citizen.

More boat lowering action and beam shoving drama.

OH, god. ....HOW IS THERE STILL AN HOUR. I SAID THAT LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

Is...is time going backwards?

Zane is keen and rightly points out "It's all falling apart. There's not much time."

He then bribes his way to survival.. I 100% GET ZANE.

They want you to think this is shameful. Again. It's not.

Now we see some musicians who must be Gen X because they straight up are depressed and see no point. I like them.

Okay, I have a confession to make. Rose's ..uhh...well the drawing scene was sustaining me this long (giggty), but that's about 3 weeks ago.

I'm...I'm star...

JUST FUCKING SINK ALREADY!!!

I legit remember hearing stories of people leaving the theater talking about the Titanic sinking and people waiting for the next show mad about "spoilers."

Not that Jack died, just that arguably the most famous sinking of all time happened.

I...PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MORONS!

Some rich dude sneaks onto a boat. It's not shameful.

Oh, shit. Some kids now have the last memory of their dad being left behind.

If therapy existed back then, they'd need it.

I mean...therapy existed, but it was like shock therapy and lobotomies.

Leo wants Rose to get on the boat.

Meanwhile Zane does the evil thing of saving a child and getting onto a boat and surviving.

Okay. Another break.

Okay. I’m back. I had to make the pain slightly fuller with some solid booze. I know that song is coming full tilt.

Rose lowers down as Zane and Leo compliment each other before Zane reminds Leo that money trumps love.

Rose remembers she has to watch Leo die. I mean giving up your spot for a dude you just met would be moronic.

She gets off …the boat and runs to meet Leo. Dying together is romantic to her.

Seriously. She had known him for a couple days. Butterflies love for longer than that. So. Huh. Butterflies have more meaningful relationships than titanic. There. I said it.

Zane gets all jealous. Guys. Gals. Don’t do that. It’s weird. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Leo is about to find that out as part of their bowel movements.

Zane chases after them using his constitutional right of unloading.

Leo and Rose are apparently in Inception.

Zane realizes he put the diamond in the coat and the coat on Rose. Zane. Zane. Zane.

Oh. Look. A kid for Leo to save to make this movie pad out even longer. They start to run as water rushes in.

This dude shoved Leo and takes the kid. The dude and his kid are dead. Leo and Rose survive.

Blah blah water woooo slide wow oh my really trapped oh run run water water. Hold hold grab hold Rose hold hold Rose with Leo into the cage or lock key hold please

Some dude comes by with keys. He fumbles them and runs. Leo gets them and does the most intense game of “Which one of my keys opens this lock I never use?”

We’ve all been there.

Hey. At least the music isn’t that song.

Neaaarrrrrr. Farrrrrrrrr. I’m moreeeee toooooooo teaaaarrrrrrssssss. It has more time I feaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr.

The situation and the ship has gone sideways as people fight to get onto a life boat.

The ship starts to roll as bskdndnsms

;;
D#d#d#d#d

Oh, that one dude got glacked. Leo’s friend is there implying the guy didn’t have married parents. The glacker then becomes the glackee.

Meanwhile Zane BRAVELY saves a child and uses it to get on the boat. Like Zane saves more people than Rose does.

The ship builder decides to Dido it.

Meanwhile rich men try to act all tough. Yeah. Your millions can’t save you. You know what would have saved you? Ignoring that women and children only nonsense.

Captain OopsyDoodle goes into his shame room to get drunk.

The band decided to play on. I mean this was before youtube. Getting music to the public was a bigger pain.

Yeah. I’d like to see modern people make such a literal self sacrifice for their art.

Sad as hell scenes of people just laying in bed ready to kick the bucket. Screw that. I’m going out swinging. I’d yank someone out of the boat. I’d find doors.

Hell. I’d probably just get drunk.

The Titanic begins to reenact the career of an actor posting racist shit online.

Captain FuckedAroundAndFoundOut finds out that haste makes waste of human lives.

People panic as water rises and boats topple. Anarchy ensues. Like real anarchy. Not the kind edgy people want which actually just boils down to them not wanting to deal with rules or bathing.

Leo says they need to stay on the ship as long as possible. Not a bad idea considering it’s cold as balls in the water. Balls that were frozen in an iceberg.

Lots of scenes of splashy drowny.

Leo’s buddy takes a smokestack to the everything considering how big it is.

Leo has time to be snarky. What a dbag.

Lots of water. Like if you had a water flooding a room fetish, this movie would sustain you forever.

Look. You’re back at the spot you first met. How romantic.

Man. Someone got to type out “lots of bad shit happens” in the script and then made all that shit happen.

Ya weirdos.

Oh, shit. It’s Atlantis. No. Wait. That’s just the ballroom under a hundred feet of water.

So now comes the world’s most dangerous test of grip strength. Many fail.

Holy hell. It just keeps going.

Rose’s mom and the other rich look on in their half empty boats.

Some dude just completed a circuit with his body and the power goes out. Titanic begins to split.

Wanna hear a crazy story I’m too lazy to google the details to confirm everything? There was a book written about a ship considered unsinkable that didn’t have enough life boats that crashed into an iceberg on the return trip of its maiden voyage. The ship was called the Titan

This book was written over a decade before the sinking of the Titanic. Crazy, right?

So the boat sticks its ass in the air like it just don’t care.

Leo and Rose take the express elevator to the waterline.

Leo warns Rose that the ship is gonna suck them harrrrrrddddd.

I stopped caring a long time ago.

Like I’m more sad about the other people than Rose and Leo.

Can I also point out that if Rose had stayed on the boat, Leo wouldn’t have died. He would have stayed on the floating debris without worrying about Rose’s evil machinations.

People panic as they thread water.

This looks day for night.

Leo saves Rose and gets her onto the largest piece of floating debris ever. Plenty of space for two. Plenty of space. Plenty of space!!!!!

Rose acts like she can’t stay on if Jack gets on. Leo, the cuck he is, believes her.

Rose stares into Leo’s eyes and enjoys watching his suffering and he life to begin to fade.

Molly Bates takes charge to go save people. But the rich dbags in the boat refuse to help. That’s the rich for you.

Gonna say this. If I was on a boat? Yeah. I’d stay where I was, too. Just saying.

He cut to the largest popsicle fest ever. Leo hasn’t died yet to Rose’s dismay.

Leo has the energy for snark. Rose pretends that she loves the man she just met and yet she refuses to let up on the largest piece of debris ever.

This is all part of Rose’s sick game. Leo would have lived if she stayed in the boat. He would have lived if she moved like a foot. This is all on her!!!

Leo proves he’s an idiot by saying he’s glad he was there freezing to death than back in Europe all because he met her.

Screw that. I would take eternal bachelorhood if it meant living forever.

Rose says she’ll never let go. Though, she lets Leo go to hell by not moving. YOU COULD HAVE MOVED!!!!!!!

The boats return way after they would be useful. They’re like the cavalry if they came a week after the fight ended.

Everyone is frozen solid except the demon known as Rose. She’s feasted upon the suffering of Leo and this has sustained her mortal form long enough for the boats to find her.

Rose is singing to herself because she’s bored waiting on the rescue boat. This is basically a Sunday stroll for her.

Rose turns around to see that Leo is Cold activated. The mountai…errr face is blue.

Rose realizes Leo is gone and that awful song starts to play.

Just sink already.

Rose yells “I’ll never Leo go, Jack.”

She lied. Leo died.

Rose is singing the Welcome back Kotter theme

She let’s him@go and says she didn’t. She’s colder than Leo’s dibby dobby.

She scrambles and gets a whistle because she wants people to run sprints. God damn. They just dealt with a sinking ship. Let them rest.

We cut back to Old Rose. She has been talking for like 748374 hours. I would have taunted her mercilessly for taking so long.

We find out they played the waiting game. Such a lame game.

They’re rescued and Zane is looking for Rose. Rose let’s Zane and her mother assume she died. Cold, Rose. At least send your mother a letter.

We find out that Zane got sad during the Great Depression.

Rose lies to the authorities and says her name is Rose Dawson Creek.

The crew calls Rose out and say they know she’s a damn liar. Jack was just a myth. Like dry land.

Then Rose explains that she told no one about Jack, not even her husband. Way to honor his memory by not telling anyone about his fate, even his family. You’re the worst, Rose.

Rose then mumbles about how Jack saved her while she let him die. Because she is cold hearted.

Bill Paxton hits on Rose’s granddaughter

Now we see Rose in her night robe. She’s got the necklace. See. She hates everyone because she is an unfeeling monster who is only fond of her first victim.

She drops the necklace that could have meant a better life for her family. A life that meant less hardships. However, Rose hates her family. Her little secret fling was more important than her family.

We know this because when she dies, she reunites with Jack. Not with her husband. Not with other friends or maybe even her children later on.

Nope. Jack. The guy she knew for less than than it takes for me to paint my house.

So Rose has just been running out the clock with her husband and kids. Waiting to get back to the man she killed. The man who gave up everything and she cared so little that she didn’t even tell his family about him.

So understand when I say that Rose is just the worst.

So that was Titanic. A “love” story where two people knew each other for a long weekend and one of them was too lazy to move over a bit to let the other live. Rose then had a husband and family she gave less of a shit about than her first fling.

Why did people like this shit????