Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So no one actually wanted me to review Road House and that’s the kind of situation I like.

So let’s watch Road House. An 80s action film about business management and neck ripping moves.

It stars the incredibly awesome Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot.

If manliness could be boiled down to its purest parts, it would just be a picture of those two.

We start at at a bar with people dancing poorly to live music.

Tilgeman is a guy looking for some Swayze.

Some dbag starts a fight. Bouncers go at it and Swayze comes to cooler that shit.

The dbag stabs Swayze and then challenges him to a fight outside.

They go out and Swayze just leaves them outside like a boss. Showing that real men don’t have to fight.

Frank comes into Swayze sewing up his own wound and describes a bar he has that needs a kick ass bouncer to clean up he rough crowds.

Frank Tilgeman wants the best. Dalton (Swayze) points out Wade Garret (Sam Elliot) is the best. However, Frank prefers his men younger.

Swayze demands a 5,000 upfront and $500 a night salary. Of course the thing he demands that really costs is free healthcare. Based off Swayze’s potential injuries and the US healthcare system, Swayze is asking for about 4 billion dollars in compensation.

Frank agrees and has a plane ticket. Swayze doesn’t fly because it’s too dangerous. See Swayze knows balls as big and metallic as his can’t be lifted into the air very far.

Swayze resigns from his current job. Then Frank makes a snide remark, but he smiles to show he knows Swayze could karate chop his throat from 40 feet away.

Swayze drives somewhere and gives his car away.

See. That was Swayze’s junk car. He goes into a garage and gets his sweet ass ride and drives to Jasper.

He goes to the bar called the Double Deuce. Double Shit makes sense because that place looks like hell.

It also has a lot of sketchy and violent people. Hell. The bouncers are brutal, too.

Jeff Healey is playing the hell out of music as we breathe in a nasty, violent atmosphere as Swayze does an ocular patdown of the joint.

If toxic masculinity was a place, it’d be that bar.

The bouncers are possibly the biggest menaces.

I’m pretty sure the bartender is Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousin. Or at least played him in the movie.

Mary Anne introduces herself and Swayze tells her he’s Dalton.

We then find out that Dalton is famous. Famous enough for some random ass person in the middle@of podunk to have heard of him.

This opens up all kinds of questions about how Dalton became so famous.

Like you could offer me a million bucks and I couldn’t tell you the name of a single famous bar bouncer.

Were the 80s a magical time where bar bouncers made a name for themselves and were whispered about like the Satanic ritual rumors I always heard growing up in the 80s.

Ya know the stories your school friends told you totally happened and they heard it from their cousin.

Ah. The 80s. Satanic rituals and AIDS. No wonder everyone is nostalgic about it.

Wait. What was I doing?

Right.

HOLY Shit. Frank changed “For a great fuck” to “For a great Buick.”

Frank should be Buick’s head of marketing.

Swayze continues to watch how poorly the bar it run.

Then some dbag assaults Healey. Not cool, man!

Swayze goes to talk to Healey and we find out Swayze and Healey are buds.

They have history and Healey gives them the lowdown.

We find out everyone seems to know who Dalton is. Uh. How?!

Oh. We find out Swayze ripped a dude’s throat out. Yeah. I’d say that’d make your name known.

Uh. Then we have an awkward scene where a dude lays to grope a woman. Uh.

A massive brawl ensues and Swayze just looks disappointed.

Haha. He just matrix dodged a thrown bottle. Awesome.

Frank calls Swayze up for a chat.

Some bouncer tries to start shit, but Swayze is too cool for that.

Healey warns said bouncer to step off.

Now we see Swayze buying another car since he, rightly, doesn’t want his nice ride getting wrecked when he starts shit.

Swayze goes and meets Grizzly Adams for a room for rent.

We are now introduced to some dbag rich guy flying over in a helicopter. I’m not saying all rich people are dbags, but ones who fly over like that are.

This is Brad Wesley. Uh. Not an intimidating name.

Turns out his name is Emet not Grizzly Adams. He’s Grizzly Adams to me, though.

Uh. Grizzly wants money for rent not to piss off the local Presbyterians. Uh. I’m not going to dig too deep into that.

Frank introduces Swayze as the new head honcho.

Swayze immediately fires that dbag from before. Morgan? Who cares. He can’t handle Swayze’s manliness.

He then fired someone who sells other things.

He lays down the law. “My way or the local access road that you can take towards the interstate.”

Swayze points out their current clients suck and they need to be handled.

We get Dalton’s Triple Rules of Cooling.

Mostly means be nice. Like. Act like a Chic Fil A cashier.

Swayze then points out that sticks and stones may break your bones, but pain don’t hurt. Err. Words don’t hurt.

I think this movie was supposed to be a Healey movie and they accidentally filmed an action movie around it.

The bartender asks Swayze “Leaded or unleaded.” Swayze says leaded.

So that means Dalton is both a car and unsafe for the environment. Little disappointing.

Swayze continues to see workers screw up and commit theft. Not wage theft, but legit theft.

Swayze then starts to have his guys class it up. The customer tries to start something and pulls a knife. Swayze just dominates him and throws him out. Yeah.

Hey. The customers know who Dalton is, too.

Well. Almost everyone.

Then we find an employee boinking in the pantry. He gets fired.

Then Swayze fires Jerry Lee Lewis for theft.

Err. His cousin.

I’m sure none of these scumbags fired will try to start something.

Swayze bought the junker for a reason. It’s already been smashed up. Swayze don’t care.

He just wants to go home and read a book and…watch locals skinny dip.

So the rich dbag has parties and is loud. Just the worst.

Mary Anne comes to annoy Swayze awake. Uh. He works the night shift. You shouldn’t interrupt his…

Oh. That’s why. You wanted to catch him naked. Yeah. That checks out.

Like she sees Swayze’s butt and uh…yeah. Swayze is the antiShapiro. Dude is bringer of WAP.

We find out Mary Anne is a bit of a stalker. Little weird.

We find out Pat (Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousin) is someone he shouldn’t have fired. Gonna guess related to the rich dbag.

The rich dbag is watching Clue as he drives down the road.

He drives Swayze off the road. I mean the rich guy is just the worst.

Swayze pulls into a…Cracker Barrel? Wait. No. It’s the mechanic.

This is Red. Hahaha. Ted just talks smack about his ex wife. Man. Red is awesome.

The rich dbag enters and introduces himself to Swayze. Swayze leaves.

Dbag then starts in on the threats to red. At least it seems that way.

Now we get to watch Swayze do Tai Chi.

Now dbag is watching Swayze. My how the turn tables.

The Healey Biopic continues as Swayze enters the bar. There we find uh. Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousin is back. Some other dbag is there saying Frank changed his mind. It’s obvious he’s been threatened.

Swayze is told that Pat is rich dbag’s nephew and rich dbag is the booze supplier.

Pat pulls a knife and tries to shank Swayze. Swayze Daltons him and then several other thugs.

Swayze asserts his dominance and then throws the rich dbag’s men out. Swayze was wounded and goes to the hospital.

We meet Dr Clay. She examines the wound and says it’s a knife wound. Swayze pulls his medical records and tells her he’s a bouncer.

Dr Clay then reminds Swayze of his 31 broken bones, 2 bullet wounds, 9 shank wounds, and metal screws.

Uh. Little weird to tell him what he knew

She offers him a local and, of course, we get:

Which I’m going to tell you this that is absolute nonsense. Pain does hurt. I mean he could have one of those rare disorders where you can’t feel@pain, but they get randomly injured. Like it’s not a superpower. It sucks.

I mean I guess some people have a kink.

Dr Clay cleans him up and staples his wounds.

We then find out Swayze has a degree in philosophy. Instantly it makes sense why he’s a bouncer. He has massive student loan debts and needed to get a job that didn’t require a real degree. Ha. Take that philosophy majors.

I would like to point out I’m the first person to make fun of a philosophy major. I joke therefore I am.

Bit of flittering. She also brags about his self-stitching.

Then Swayze gets all philosophical “Nobody ever wins a fight.” He definitely took philosophy 101.

Swayze then asks his doctor out. Don’t ask people out at their work. It’s just awkward. Even if you’re Swayze hot.

Man. People just crapping on Swayze’s height.

Now we see rich dbag’s gang. Uh. Not very intimidating or inspiring.

But then you take what you can get in Jasper.

Rich dbag is mad they couldn’t get Pat his job back. He then beats one of his men.

Rich dbag then says the man is a bleeder. Uh. We all bleed when you punch us, dick. What is up with this movie’s inability to understand basic human physiology.

Swayze shows up at Red’s place just as the rich dbag goons leave.

The place is all messed up. Red informs him that rich dbag is just the worst.

He demands 10% of all cash. Basically. Rich dbag is …

Sorry. Got distracted by two things. Topless contest and Sam Elliot being awesome.

Sam Elliot gets a call from Swayze.

Some male bonding ensues.

Sam Elliot is just the best.

Some woman flirts with Swayze, but her boyfriend? wants none of that.

Rich dbag’s goons go into the bar as Mary Anne sings.

Swayze legit does an ocular patdown and tells these goons to piss off.

They try to start a fight, but Swayze just ends them. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Dr Clay shows up looking like a picnic blanket.

Gonna have to say that all those goons who got stomped definitely believe pain hurts.

Dr Clay and Swayze chat and go for dinner.

I legit want to know if a bouncer wrote this movie. I’m too lazy to google.

Swayze goes back to the bar and finds a stop sign through his junker.

Bit of flirting. Some awkward silence and a kiss later and we get to some sweet stop sign removal action.

A peacock screams as more goons come up to Swayze chilling on his car. Rich dbag wants to talk to Swayze. Swayze goes.

Rich dbag starts his little chat.

Rich dbag whines and talks about how he is why the town has anything. Typical of rich people. They think they caused everything to happen.

I mean there’s no way that dude alone brought JC Penney to Jasper by himself. This was the 80s. That was a big deal.

Swayze fights for the proletariat in this conversation while rich dbag is the bourgeoisie in living color. I’m referring to that hideous shirt he’s wearing.

Rich dbag then reveals he knows about Swayze icing some dude in Memphis and got off by claiming self defense. I mean he ripped the guy’s throat out!!

Rich dbag then tries to bribe Swayze, but “pay don’t work.”

We get back to the Healey biopic.

Now we’re seeing the bar as it should be. People having fun and drinking and listening to music and drinking and talking and drinking and dancing and drinking and drinking as they drink. Swayze gets coffee. Bar coffee in the 80s had to suck.

Keith David is the bartender. Awesome.

Uh. Right. We find out that they’re running out of booze because rich dbag is blocking it.

Dr Clay is outside as rich dbag’s goons watch and follow.

They go to Swayze’s rented place and we find out that Swayze is trying to message the colonials about the form of transportation the British will be taking.

Dr Clay looks around to make sure Swayze isn’t a serial killer and then enjoys the view of the rich dbag’s place.

Swayze uses music to set the mood. As if that hunk ever had to worry about that. Dude just oozed sexuality and coolness.

We also find out Red is her uncle.

Uh. I think I accidentally switched to Dirty Dancing because this feels familiar.

Dr Clay is gonna grab his turning wheel and make a big vase

Geez. No wonder a lot of people got all hot watching Swayze. Dude got game.

He goes and bangs her until the [red] dawn.

Man. Gotta give it to the 80s. They weren’t afraid to show some skin in their action films.

Dr Clay, satisfied, starts to point out his career could kill or cripple him.

She then asks him@to stay. He is too much of a wanderer.

Rich dbag creepily watches Swayze and Dr Clay bang on the roof balcony thingy.

The next day at the bar we get more of the Healey biopic. We also find out the rich dbag is really into Dr Clay.

Oh, shit. Riding up on a motorcycle is the original Ghost Rider, Sam Elliot.

Swayze watches booze get unloaded as more goons try to intimidate and stop Swayze. Swayze tries to cooler it, but is forced to road house the hell…ah crap. They cheated and took him from behind.

Hahaha. Sam Elliot strolls out while they’re working over Swayze. He then nonchalantly beats the shit out of everyone. Sam Elliot is just the coolest dude ever.

Hahaha. God damn he is amazing in this. Just pure charm and manliness and awesomeness.

The bar staff come out to see what’s going on and are introduced to Sam Elliot. They, of course, have heard of him. Okay. I take back what I said before. If any bar bouncer was Elliot cool, they would be famous.

Sam Elliot just awesomes it up.

Dr Clay meets Elliot. He gives background.

It’s like the cowboy from Big Lebowski and even shows off scars.

We get more Sam Elliot charm as he dances with Dr Clay. Even Swayze is a bit jealous. I mean no one can compare.

Sam Elliot is polite enough to only jokingly go after Dr Clay.

Elliot points out that the past is the past.

We find out that Swayze slept with a married woman unknowingly. The husband tried to kill Swayze and Swayze throat ripped his ass. Talk about a hell of a story.

Back to the Healey biopic as Sam and Swayze chill.

Red’s place is on fire and the fire trucks arrive to@put it out. Uh. It just exploded. That’s not gonna buff out.

Rich dbag is in the bar making it obvious he’s behind the fire.

Uh. Rich dbag is homophobic, too.

Rich dbag’s girlfriend does a bit of a show. Uh. Make that a strip show in the bar.

Swayze, after a bit, takes her off stage.

We then meet Jimmy. I mean we’ve seen him before, but he’s a real tool. He…hahahahaha. He’s trying to look cool@spinning a pool cue around. But he’s trying to fight Elliot and Swayze.

Jimmy and the goons start a fight with the bouncers.

Hahaha. He did a flip. Jimmy the. Tried to beat up Sam Elliot. Elliot let’s him think he has a chance. Swayze interjects.

Then rich dbag uses his second amend. right to shoot a gun in a crowded bar. Jimmy threatens them as the goons leave.

We get a scene of local business people trying to convince Red to stay. Red, rightly, points out rich dbag is too connected and powerful.

Rich dbag then destroys another local business. Man. Rich dbag is the Walmart of Jasper.

Like they literally drive a monster truck through andealership

Dr Clay rails into rich dbag (who is obsessed with Dr Clay). Rich dbag threatens Swayze.

Rich dbag is asserting dominance over the locals.

Meanwhile Swayze is practicing his boxing and throat rips as Elliot tries to persuade him to leave. Swayze won’t leave.

Haha. Elliot is so amazing in this scene.

Like this is Yoda or Obi Wan levels of awesome teacher/student interaction.

Swayze glares at rich dbag’s house. Good thing he rented that particular room.

Dr Clay asks him to leave to save Swayze’s life.

Swayze doesn’t want to leave. He wants to clean up the trash.

Oh shit. Grizzly Adams’ house just exploded. Uh. I think he’s gone to the bearded barn in the sky, Swayze.

The rich dbag’s watches and realizes a very specific kink he has.

Oh, shit. Grizzly Adams is alive!!

Jimmy comes driving by in a motorcycle laughing menacingly. Swayze runs after him and knocks him off his back and we get an awesome god damn fight!!!!!

Jimmy doesn’t realize he basically signed his own death warrant pissing Swayze off

They fight a bit back and forth. Lots of kicking and punching.

Jimmy uh. Reveals some personal sexual information about his time in prison.

Jimmy fucks up and gets his throat separated from the rest of him@like he’s a Memphisonian chucked husband.

So. Uh. Swayze has two throat rips to his name. Yeah. Both involved people pulling guns on him, but that is gonna be a bitch at trial.

Cucked. Fuck you autocorrect.

Also. Dr Clay watched. Despite popular belief, most women aren’t into dudes who rip out throats. I don’t know how that rumor got started.

Swayze calls out rich dbag’s name and asserts his own dominance. This whole thing is basically like two dogs pissing on their respective territories.

The next morning Swayze avoids a 3 state manhunt to go to the bar. Rich dbag calls to taunt Swayze. He basically gives him two choices. Save Dr Clay or Sam Elliot. He flips a coin to decide.

Uh. Where have I seen this before??

Sam Elliot stumbles into the bar looking like hell. He got jumped.

Swayze thinks that Dr Clay is the target.

Swayze realizes he should leave town. Too dangerous.

Swayze goes to check on Dr Clay. She’s pissed because she isn’t into men who do impromptu tracheotomies.

Swayze wants to take her away. Dr Clay refuses.

Swayze goes back to the bar.

So. Uh. It seems that Sam Elliot was an alien and had to go back to his planet. He in no way was brutally murdered.

Uh. So. Uh. No. This. No.

Ah, rich dbag. You fucked up. You fucked up!!!!!!!! Swayze yanks out the knife from not Sam Elliot and goes to wreak havoc.

Rich dbag’s goons are waiting with guns as Swayze barrels at them with his car. They flee as the car doesn’t stop. Then it flips and exp…why San Elliot? He was too cool. Too god damn cool for this world, man. I…why?

Why????!!

Screw your Ned Stark beheading. This is the greatest and most devastating death in cinema or television history.

I mean. Are we sure he isn’t sleeping??

I’m just going to assume he sleeps with a knife stuck in him. Like that’s his thing. That’s it. That’s what happened.

Why??

So they check the car. No one is in it. I’m impressed they touched a car that just exploded.

I mean if…

Maybe Sam had a twin brother and, like, he took over for Sam as Sam had to run an errand.

Has someone checked to see if Sam has a twin or a clone? No. I bet they haven’t.

I mean. I. I. I.

I’m sorry. I’m better now.

Now that we know that was Sam’s evil clone.

Right. So Sam rides off in the sunset after leaving his evil twin behind.

Meanwhile Swayze breaks into rich dbag’s house and takes down his goons. Like. He’s like Vorhees with his teleportation powers.

Damn. He straight up guts and then knife throws some suckers.

Man. Swayze is gonna have to explain so much to the cops and those throat rippings aren’t gonna help.

So Swayze confronts the final boss. The rich dbag does a monologue and. He had a creepy obsession with youth and use and shit. Very creepy.

Rich dbag tries to negotiate, but you killed Sam Elliot’s evil clone. No way you live!!!

Rich dbag’s house has tons of random ass melee weapons. He starts to attack an injured Swayze with them.

Swayze must be tired because it makes no sense why that old dude hasn’t had his throat ripped out.

There we go. Swayze gets the upper hand. He gets his hand in the proper throat ripping position and…stops himself.

If anyone deserved to be throatless, it’s that prick.

Dr Clay shows up as Swayze turns to leave. Rich dbag pulls a gun to shoot Swayze when…

BOOOOMMMMMMMMM

Shotgun blast to the dick. I mean they show a splatter on his torso,, but it was totally his dick exploding.

So the local business leaders that rich dbag has screwed over are there with shotties. They blast rich dbag all to hell.

They then hide the guns as the cops arrive.

The sheriff asks what happened and they all act like me when seeing Sam Elliot’s body. They saw nothing!!! Nothing!!!

We cut back to the Healey biopic for rocking music.

I assume they cleaned up the Elliot blood and shit.

We cut to Swayze and Dr Clay skinny dipping. She’s back to getting wet with Swayze.

That was Road House and it was awesome. It’s got everything you want. Drinking. Fighting. Jeff Healey. Throat Ripping. Swayze’s ass. Sam Elliot oozing charm.

The only weird thing was Sam Elliot randomly leaving without a word and his evil twin got killed off camera.