Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Some of you may have guessed my next review. I always enjoyed the #Rocky series. You had the first one that didn’t end as you expected. The awesome fighting in IV.

Mr T showed up.

So of course I picked the classic one.

Rocky V

Let’s watch this.

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1415821557016907777

Rocky V stars Sly, his son, and Francis Ford Copolla’s sister.

It’s about Rocky trying to reclaim lost glories and to make a star out of his kid decades before the Fresh Prince tried.

We start with a quick recap of Rocky IV where Rocky beat up a Swedish Chemical engineer.

He fought to avenge his fallen friend and to make America Free????

So Rocky wins freedom and then hits the showers.

We find out that Drago did, in fact, break Rocky.

Rocky is having legit physical issues as we cut to a plane landing as a band plays the Rocky theme plays.

Uh. So does that mean in this universe that someone wrote a theme for a boxer???

Now we get to meet Rocky’s son who is played by his son.

We then cut to a press conference where we get introduced to George Washington Duke. Duke is a hoot and totally not like anyone in real life. Nope. No one at all.

Duke is trying to get Rocky to fight against a union of people called Cane?

Rocky mumbles Adrian over and over again as the press demands to know if Rocky has a 401k.

We cut back to Rocky’s mansion. Which, being near Philly, cost about forty dollars.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Rocky says, in front of his kid, “Maybe I’ll take you upstairs and violate you like a parking meter.”

Adrian then says “it’ll cost you a quarter.”

Rocky walks in his kid’s room without knocking. Give your kid a little privacy.

Then we get another awkward scene where Rocky’s kid has a sketch of his French teacher. Rocky drools over it while Jr looks embarrassed. I mean you gotta understand this was before the internet.

We then get more Rocky sage wisdom as he makes his kid go to sleep.

Rocky sounds like a drunk guy eating marbles is trying to whisper his secret plan of taking over the world.

We then find out Jr has the hots for his English teacher.

We cut to Paulie being yelled at by Adrian.

We find out that somehow Paulie got Rocky to sign over power of attorney to their crooked accountant.

We find out the attorney sucks at investment and didn’t pay his taxes or the mortgage.

So Rocky is financially boned. If he was around now, he could go on social media and get massive amounts of donations.

Rocky wants to fight their debts away, but Adrian makes him go to a doctor. Rocky should have gotten a crooked doctor.

We find out that Rocky has brain damage. Yeah. We know that.

Rocky is told he shouldn’t fight. Rocky mumbles about god and easy bake ovens or some shit.

The docs tell him he can’t get a driver’s license much less a boxing license.

I only pick popular movies that get all the likes.

We then get a #montage of Rocky being bankrupt and them yeeting his ass out of his mansion.

All he had left is Mickey’s old gym and his wits.

Jr realizes his dad and uncle pissed away his future.

In the background I swear we hear Paulie going “what’s power of attorney” over and over again.

Rocky finds his old duds and wears them so we can get nostalgic about the better movies.

We also get a reminder of when Rocky railed Adrian on their first date.

Rocky decides to go get drunk and leave his broken family alone. Way to be a role model.

Rocky stares at Mickey’s gym before going in. We wear Homer go “What’s a gym?”

Rocky gets nostalgic for when he was broke as hell.

Good thing for you, you’re broke again.

Also. You’re hallucinating about Mickey.

We find out that Rocky gets a cufflink that was Rocky Marciano. Rocky to Rocky via Mickey.

We cut to a rough section of Philly that Rocky and family are moving back to.

Paulie wants congrats on keeping the old house. I mean the guy lost you millions, but applaud him for being too lazy to sell the house.

A ton of people gather outside because a celebrity is moving in. I mean this was 1990. We had nothing to do back the.

Duke calls Adrian and tries to convince her that she should let her husband get pummeled for money. She says no and Duke makes a sexist comment.

We we cut to Rocky and Jr and Paulie walking down the street. Rocky smokes and tells his kid he needs to get street smart.

Jr has spent his whole life fairly well to do. He has no concept the hell he’s going into.

Rocky mumbles terrible advice.

Rocky is sounding like he’s telling his kid how to survive his first day in prison. Uh. It is a Philly school. This checks out.

Rocky mumbles about bricks and milk. Dude definitely has issues.

Rocky commits a demonic ritual and conjures money from Jr’s ear.

Rocky and Paulie do more walking and mumbling as some dude comes up. He’s an Okie named Tommy who wants to take a local Philly person’s boxing job.

Duke and another dude try to convince Rocky to come back.

We also find out that Rocky thinks Mark Twain was a painter. Uh. He was a dogcatcher.

Duke has convinced Rocky to fight when Adrian comes and boxblocks Duke.

Adrian gets her old job and so does Rocky. It’s like the original movie, but not good.

Tommy pesters Rocky, but Rocky is too busy thinking about strawberries or something.

We cut to a Union of Canes and Duke talking. Turns out a boxing promoter (Duke) is a total POS

We cut to Jr at school. He gets beat up by E from Entourage. Honestly, that’s gotta be the lowest point of anyone’s life. E keeps screaming about his girlfriend or some shit and I instinctively want to skip every scene he’s in.

Haha. Beat up by E and then getting your jacket stolen by him. Damn. Jr has hit the lowest point in sports movie history.

We cut to Rocky’s gym. Paulie is selling Rocky’s used drinking cup to people. Uh. Creepy.

Rocky mumbles to another boxer and then chats with Tommy. Paulie tries to make a joke, but Rocky gets confused.

Rocky mumbles as Tommy spars. Tommy is a dbag and goes full speed. You’re not supposed to do that in sparring.

Paulie thinks he can exploit Tommy’s labor and make a ton of cash.

Rocky mumbles and then agrees to manage Tommy. He thinks Tommy is a sandwich shop for a minute.

Rocky then realizes he meant boxing and says no. FOR NOW. Tommy throws a tantrum.

Jr is walking home from school when a girl (who was one of E’s friends) offers Jr her coat.

This is Jewel.

Jewel complains that Philly isn’t Disneyland. She then gives her backstory like Jr is A&E. Then compliments Jr’s caboose.

We cut to Paulie and Rocky leaving. Paulie dreams of being a giggilo.

We then get Tommy begging for Rocky to manage him. Rocky again gets confused and mumbles.

Tommy talks about his obsession with Rocky and that he’s hungry. Rocky thinks he means just physically hungry instead of, ya know, driven.

Rocky is no Mickey.

To@my finally gets Rocky to understand…ah. Never mind. Rocky still thinks he’s talking about dinner. He invites him over for Mac and cheese.

Rocky talks to Jr about being assaulted.

Lots of mumbling from Rocky, but Tommy gives legit advice to stand up.

Adrian talks about using words instead of fighting. Adrian doesn’t seem to recall they’re in Philly. A left jab is basically a greeting there.

We get background of Tommy’s rough life.

Uh. Rocky is kind of a dick “Well. At least you had a father.”

Uh. Most people would rather have an absentee father over a horribly abusive one, Rocky.

Rocky then invites a total stranger who admits to a serious anger issue to live with them.

He tosses Jr out of his room.

We then see Rocky giving more of a shit about a stranger than his own kid. Like. Seriously. It’s fucked up.

Then Rocky mumbles about fear with the grace of a sewer.

Man. I’m amazed more people aren’t into reading about this masterpiece of a sequel.

Jr gets bullied by E again. How embarrassing.

We then get the priest from the first movie again. Man. So many things from the original. Oh, crap. I should have watched the original.

Yeah. That would have been a better idea.

Man. The first one day as so good. This one? I mean. How did this not win an Oscar, too???

We then watch an underground boxing match. Maybe the Kumate. Hard to tell since they lit the scene with a candle.

Tommy is getting beaten up by a literal hobo.

Tommy gets a motivational speech from Rocky. It sounds like a drunk arsonist screaming about fire burning. Then he does a quick review of Dante’s Peak.

We then get a montage of Tommy training and fighting and Jr sulking.

Paulie is helping Jr train. He keeps screaming “Power of Attorney!!” Over and over like a weird chant.

I have seen better montages in instructional videos about painting houses.

Rocky then wrestles Tommy. Rocky is very confused.

We also see Rocky giving all his fighting heirlooms to Tommy instead of his kid. Way to be a dad.

They then do the run up the stairs to the statue of Rocky.

So they live in a universe where a boxer gets a theme song and a statue. Wait. Philly. Checks out.

More bland montage fighting and then we cut to Duke scheming.

Jr confronts E while screaming “Go for it.” Apparently, Jr has listened to the terrible montage song that said that same thing over and over again.

Weird.

E gets beat up by Jr.

Jr takes his coat back and E simps for Jr after this.

Man. Mickey was such a good character.

Anyway. Jr comes to brag about beating up E, but Rocky doesn’t care about his kid.

This causes Jr to spiral into delinquency.

More montages with the blandest music ever.

Man. I remember liking this as a kid. I was really stupid back then. I mean. I’m still an idiot, but not so stupid that I like this trash.

Tommy is shown being pissy that people see him as Rocky’s fighter instead of his own man.

Oh, no. Tommy betrays Rocky by switching to Duke. Who could have seen this coming?

Tommy is bitter Rocky can’t get him to the championship.

Paulie talks about a sinking ship. Rocky thinks he means a literal boat.

We see Rocky is going to give Tommy the Marciano cufflink instead of his kid. Rocky is a terrible father.

Meanwhile. Tommy gets fully wooed by Duke.

Rocky mumbles about either Santa or a drunk Paulie. Oops. It’s both combined. It’s a drunk Paulie Santa.

He’s doing this in front of Jr and his friends (Jewel and E and other kid).

Jr has gone full Philly by now.

Jr goes all nihilist. I mean. He lives in Philly. This checks out.

Rocky still doesn’t understand why his kid hates him. Paulie complains more about not being a gigillo.

Jr whines about Tommy to Rocky. Rocky mumbles more.

Jr heads out with his friends as Duke rides up to show dominance.

Duke is the only person in this entire movie giving a shit and trying.

Rocky finds out he’s been cucked by Tommy and Duke.

Rocky tried to win Tommy back, but Tommy has seen Paris.

Tommy starts to scream “Show me the money!!”

Rocky mumbles about paper and schemes and sucking and gutters and vampires.

Tommy “I ain’t you and you ain’t Mick.”

Uh. Yeah. 100% facts.

Rocky has a nam flashback as Tommy drives away.

Adrian tries to calm Rocky while Rocky yells at her. He’s kinda a shit dad and husband.

Adrian then gives him a good tongue lashing and points out Rocky is shitting all over his family just to keep the boxer who cucked him.

We then see Jr and friends being delinquents, but Rocky comes to stop it.

Rocky is gonna mumble the shit out of advice.

There we go. Rocky gives a smoking PSA that is 99% mumbles and 1% screaming Adrian!!!!

This is such a heartfelt moment between Jr and Rocky.

*farts*

I think I wrote a more interesting and warming scene in a story I wrote about a guy who fell in love with an inanimate rod.

We cut to a fight where Tommy goes for the title. The crowd boos him for cucking Rocky. Rocky is still smiling for his lost Lenore.

We’re then treated to Tommy fighting while Rocky hits a boxing bag. Just so exciting.

Hey. This is still better than Twister.

You know how the first four movies had fantastic fight scenes that were engrossing and heart pounding?

This one won’t make your heart change one bit upward. It may slow it.

Tommy thanks Duke instead of Rocky. Man. What a love triangle.

Tommy is bitter because people care about Rocky and not him.

Rocky mumbles and sulks.

At a press conference, the reporters crap all over Tommy.

Hahaha. These reporters just lay into him. This is the best scene. Hahahahahaha. They just obliterated the hell out of Tommy.

Tommy is pissssssseeeeedddddd. He wants to fight Rocky.

Duke eats the hell out of the scenery and it’s great.

Rocky is now getting drunk at a bar and mumbles.

Duke calls his ass out.

Tommy wants to fight. The well trained boxer versus a dude who isn’t training and suffers permanent physical damage. Rocky wisely walks away.

Tommy follows after him and wants to fight. Rocky mumbles a bunch. Duke starts shit.

Paulie talks smack and gets knocked on his ass. Oh, Tommy. You can insult Rocky’s wife and kid, but don’t you dare hurt the man who caused him financial ruin.

Rocky challenges him to a street fight. Tommy accepts.

What follows is a clash of the Titans. Wait. Strike that. It’s a clash of the English language as Rocky mumbles.

It’s so brutal. It’s like They Live if They Live’s fight scene was a forgettable blend of bad lighting and terrible shots.

Also. The news crew there is broadcasting this fight. Oh, shit. Rocky has a Nam flashback again.

Rocky gets pummeled and then hallucinates Mickey. Dude has serious issues.

Rocky gets up and then fights the last “round” to a bland as hell song.

Rocky “goes for it” and I go for another drink.

Again. The only one giving a shit is Duke. He’s having a great time. Well. At least someone is.

Rocky really loves to turn his back on his enemy. They go from@boxing to wrestling.

Jr shows up and demands his room back. Uh. Tommy left weeks ago and your dad gave him your room.

Jr projecting.

Lots of yelling by Jr and Adrian and Duke as Tommy and Rocky slap fight and grunt.

Rocky knocks Tommy out.

And the crowd goes mild.

Man. Usually after a battle where Rocky wins, we feel elated. Usually. Not this time. This time I’m just elated it’s almost over.

Rocky then decks Duke and ensures more legal charges of assault.

Then we cut over to Rocky and Jr running up to Rocky’s statue.

Rocky brags about the statue to his kid all the while ignoring his kid.

Rocky then commits blood magic to summon Rocky Marciano’s cufflink.

We then cut to a montage of images from the better movies in the series.

Well. That was Rocky V. It’s very existence answers the question of “Can you make punching people boring?”

The only person who gave a shit seemed to be Duke. He had a blast.

Seriously, don’t watch this. There’s a reason it was decades before we got another one.