Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

So beings the live review of #Twilight #Eclipse from the #TwilightSaga on #TwilightOnNetflix.

I have no idea what this is about or why I subject myself to this, but I do have to talk about something important.

Qui huc intrasti omissa spe

Okay. Before we begin, I need to apologize to Kirsten Stewart. And this isn’t because I was threatened by a grove of sequoias who asked me if I wanted to know what a tree branch tasted going up the ole poop chute.

No, see. I was inform by an organization called People Against Wood Acting Insults. They told me that plank is considered one of the greatest actors to ever come out of the forest. Dare they say one of the best to ever perform in a Birchway Play.

I was also informed she won several Olivewoodier Awards and even a Treeny award.

So I really should check myself before a tree rickety wrecks my butthole.

So anything said during this review is a joke and not at all a reflection of the

*checks notes*

Seriously? Fine.

“Greatest living plank of wood to ever make it onto the silver screen. Humans just can’t comprehend her deep emotional range because you lack the facilities to comprehend the pulse of her sap running and the changes to her wood grain to fully comprehend the depths she plunges.”

So…remember that.

I'm gonna go google how to fight off trees and then I'll get in on this review.

And we start off with music and rain. I wish vampires were allergic to rain.

Some random jabroni is walking in the rain. The guy of idiot who refuses to have an umbrella because he’s too cool.

He gets tickled by a vampire and then tossed into a wall. Man. Vampires suck at hiding their existence.

Jabroni runs after one call for help. He’s then scratched and falls on the ground screaming. “My coxal bone!!”

When then see a total eclipse of the heart.

We then hear Plank read a Robert Frost poem. How deep.

I’m not the biggest fan of Frost, but still the best thing in this series.

We see plank making out with a vampire. He sparkles and asks her to marry him. She says no. So I guess that gasp before was just her dry heaving.

Bella makes a deal. Marriage for conversion into an undead bloodsucker.

They argue about want marriage means and I couldn’t care less. This is less interesting than the wedding announcement of total strangers told you via a bullhorn.

Leave it to this movie to make making out cause me to want to watch frogs vomit.

Plank goes home and her dad rightly complains about the 109 who wants to marry his daughter.

Bella apparently is grounded, but I guess plank skips school or who cares.

Her dad rightly says he isn’t good for her. Her dad is as done with this shit as I am.

Her dad makes a deal with her. If she sees her friends instead of Edward, she can be ungrounded. It includes hanging with Jacob.

Wait. Jacob now calls himself Jake and Bella calls him Jacob. Make up your god damn mind.

We also find out Jacob had been leaving her ass on read like he should.

Bella’s truck doesn’t start and god damn Edward appears in the passenger seat without opening the door. Either that or plank has the awareness of her surroundings as a dead mouse.

Oh, my god. Edward broke her truck. This is a new form of abuse from her captor.

Eddie won’t let her hang with Jacob. What in the hell.

The next day Edward walks her around the school because he is a controlling piece of shit.

Edward’s sister exclaims they’re gonna have a graduation party to her fellow students. Ya know. The ones who weren’t alive when she would have normally been at a retirement home at that age.

Throwing a party for teens as an immortal teen. How…creepy. Bella shits on it and who cares.

Edward drives her to her dad’s station and Alice (Eddie’s sister) has a vision.

We find out there is a family and heir son is missing. The jabroni at the beginning or something.

Basically. Some vambroni is causing a stink and the Voltron might come in town to deal with it.

Edward also tells Bella that there is a plane ticket to see her mom. Blah blah blah.

Her dad is mad that Edward has a ticket, too.

Plank wants to see her mom before she gets turned into a vampire. A lame…lame…lame vampire.

Hahaha. Her mom sees that Edward watches her a lot, but her mom is too stupid to realize it’s creepy and controlling.

Like if I had a kid and she was being eye fucked by some pale asshole, I would not think it’s sweet.

Her mom gives her a gift of a quilt from old tshirts or something. Who cares.

I should point out the transition from Forks to Florida is handled with the grace of a rhino force fed laxatives.

Now we’re back to the Collins and they’re waiting for someone and I’m waiting for my body to just shut down from the stupidity.

We get a boring chase scene and I’m wondering if I could grow corn. Maybe. It might be fun, but a lot of work and the bugs will definitely eat it all.

This lame ass chase is still going on. I legit think waterboarding myself would be more fun.

We get them back in Washington and more blah blah about mom and stuff.

Edward tells her to stay in the car, but plank doesn’t listen. And HOLY Shit.

#TeamJacob looking all kinds of hot. Like I 100% get why a lot women and some men are super into that dude.

God knows he makes me look like a giant pile of pig excrement in comparison and that’s ok.

Edward 100% is trying to keep plank from Jacob. That isn’t cool.

Also. Jacob tells Edward that they can’t go onto werewolves land again or face the consequences.

Jacob let’s plank know Victoria is back. Edward wouldn’t tell her because he thinks he knows what’s best for her.

Bella acts as if Jacob has to talk to her and you do not have that right.

Plank gets on the back of Jacob’s motorcycle and they drive off.

We’re back to shopping at Sam’s Club.

His friends talk mad shit. We also meet a girl named Lea. She shits on Bella. I like Lea.

I’m legit spacing on all these god damn character histories and family drama and shit. I don’t care.

Oh, god. We find out werewolves imprint on someone. I…I know what this leads to in the last movie.

Oh. And imprinting just means they become obsessed with someone. They try to make it sound better, but it straight up is just obsession.

Jacob gets annoyed Bella is going to vamp out soon.

He rightly points out she hasn’t lived and he is just controlling her.

Jacob also hates vampires. We all do, bud. We all do.

More teen drama. I wish I had Taco Bell. It would at least make my body feel as awful as my brain.

There’s some weirdo somewhere and I don’t care.

This scene is shot about as well as a colonoscopy if the light breaks.

So this weirdo is standing over the sleeping Sheriff. Then it cuts to plank@coming in. The. The sheriff complaining about curfew. I made better film as a kid hopped up on sugar and with a kaleidoscope.

Bella tells her dad she was with Jake. Not Jacob. Make up…oh my god. Edward is there and breaks into her room.

Edward senses someone else has been in Bella’s room. He’s pissed because he marked his territory.

The Collins discuss this weirdo and I discuss what I’m doing with my life with myself.

Holy shit. The editing in this is awful.

We cut to Jacob leaving her house and he got the weird scent for later or something. Jacob and Edward fight with their words.

Plank calls herself Switzerland. I don’t think she knows it’s because of their neutrality. I think she is having ancestral memories of where her great grandtrees came from.

Plank then narrates and it sounds like someone farted into a trumpet.

So Jacob and Edward are working together to protect plank. See the Collins need to hunt animals and the wolve….holy shit Jacob is ripped.

Edward gets pissed. “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Jealous as all hell you sparkle dbag aren’t ya?

Edward tries to assert dominance by making out with wood. Jacob hugs the wood after and Edward drives off like an asshole.

Jacob suggests things they can do to kill time and let’s plank decide. Because he’s not a controlling monster.

We then do a horrible transition to a council meeting in the woods.

Now the tribe is going to give tribal histories to plywood. Plank will straight up not remember any of this.

Hey. There’s Billy. I like Billy.

He tells us his people have powers to turn into wolves to fight enemies. Even talks of their first vampire encounter.

The vampires had slaughtered many in the tribe.

Like. They hate vampires for a good reason.

I hate vampires because they’re lame.

We then come to a vampire making more vampires for the coming battle of my liver versus bourbon.

See. They’re in Seattle and causing…Bella. Stop acting like you understand anything.

So now we get more dialogue from Jasper. The kinda odd one. I like Jasper.

We also find out that the Voltron want plank and Eddie monster, but they need to destroy the Collins. That way they’ll join

So my guess is the jabroni at the beginning is helping to build a vampire army and I’m building up a tolerance to pain.

Bella then discuses excuses she’ll have to make on why she can’t visit her family anymore.

Uh. You only sparkle. It’s not that difficult to hide that.

Edward says for her to just wait for everyone she loves to die. “Problem solved.” You’re just the worst.

He then tries to play it off like a joke. They then mumble together and I don’t care.

I want to enter their world and become Van Helsing

Ugh. A vampire making out with a mossy log.

Plank then invites Jacob to the vampire academy party.

Jacob then tells plank that he loves her. Why? No. Seriously. Why? She has no personality. She’s a Mary Sue for Mary Sues.

Jacob says he’ll fight for her until her heart stops beating. Ugh. They’re gonna ruin you Jacob. Jacob does point out he won’t make her change.

He also rightly points out that his wang isn’t some cold popsicle.

He then kisses her without her permission which isn’t cool.

Bella punches him, but hurts her hand.

She tries to act hurt, but plywood has no nerves.

Then we get another horrible transition and Edward and Jacob slap fight.

This is so pathetic.

The sheriff comes out and breaks it up. Jacob admits he kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching him.

Someone wrote this. Someone was paid for this

We then get a horrible edit to Dr Collin wrapping her sprained wrist.

Seriously. The editing and transitions in this are bad. Real bad. Just. Wow. I mean Battlefield Earth was better.

Edward’s other sister Rosalie storms off and Bella asks why and I don’t fucking care. Someone needs to stake all@of them except Jasper and Dr Collins.

Rosalie then whines about not getting a choice to be a vampire. She then gives some background and I would rather piss on an angry lion than watch more of this.

Ugh. These creepos assault human Rosalie. Not cool.

Dr Collins turned her and she ganked all those creeps. Good for her.

I want to watch HER life in a movie. She has emotion and character and a legit story.

Literally everyone but plank has an interesting story to tell. Bella is just a Mary Sue there to allow people to gush over a creep like Edward and Jacob.

And, also, can I point out that Bella assumes she’ll never love anyone but Edward. No offense to people who find their spouse in high school, but what nonsense that your first love is the love.

Young me and now me have completely different ideas on women and love.

We then cut back to the vampire army and they make slaughter boring.

The main dude monologues and whines like he’s plank.

We find out that the agents of Voltron are there. Who cares.

Pennsylvania Fanning hurts some vampire and I don’t care.

We find out that the Voltron made the army. Yeah. No shit.

We then cut to graduation. The Validdjfndnjddn gives a speech and it’s lame as shit.

This is Edward’s 8483 graduation.

And this speech is shit. They play it off as if it’s deep, but there are salt flats with more depth.

We cut to the shittiest graduation party ever. Like. I threw a better one and I was the only person there. Me and my Soft Shell taco.

Jacob appears at the party. Bella acts shocked he appeared. He points out she invited him. She said she uninvited him. I say that it’s not her god damn party to tell him if he can come or not. It’s the Collins’ party.

Jacob does something Edward won’t ever do. He apologizes for his behavior.

He also brings her a gift.

Jacob. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER!

Alice In Chains has a vision and it’s that the army is coming to fuck up@Forks.

I like that they said it was the Voltron and now they act like they have no idea who it could be. Everyone in this is stupid.

Basically. The army of vampires is coming. The Collins and the werewolves are going to team up.

Can I point out that everyone is giving this much of a fuck about a plank of wood.

Just drop her off in Seattle. Let them eat her. You save the town.

We then cut to training. Edward sees the gift Jacob gave her and he gets pissed because he is a control freak.

The wolves appear in form. And They blah blah.

Turns out this army is all noobs. These noobs are more powerful than older vampires because this story is shit. Cool vampire stories have the vampires get stronger with age not weaker. This is lame as shit

Jasper is going to tell them how to handle noobs.

First. Don’t let them hug you.
Second. Don’t kill the obvious kill.

Wow. What is the sound of one hand clapping???

We get a training montage with random shots of plank looking confused that she hasn’t been used to make a hutch yet.

I’m pretty sure based on this scene that I would be the greatest strategist in their world and I’m a moron.

We then have plank talking to wolf Jacob. She has a second of clarity and says people will die because of her. Of course that’s her fetish either that or she is a god damn lame as fuck character Mary Sue that isn’t worth writing about but here I am. Being a moron.

We then find out Jasper fought for the South during the Civil War. Uh. How many times did they have to cut the nword from Jasper’s scenes??

Jasper gets turned by some woman as he goes back to Texas. The woman who turned him used a noob army to conquer.

Jasper was one of the trainers and leaders.

Again. Jasper’s story would make a great movie.

We also find out that it was Jasper’s job to ole yeller the noobs before they became weak.

Like. I want a movie about him #teamjasper

We cut to scene of someone whispering madness into his ear and this scene has like 2 seconds of something cool visually.

We cut to Bella waking up and Edward watching her. Bella figured out Victoria is behind the army and I’ve decided that after this series I’m gonna find good movies to watch.

Plank mumbles that she could help. Her bark can be used rjjdmzz

I don’t even care enough to make a bad joke.

This is so dumb. Soooo dumb.

They have a strategy that is great if fighting morons. So. I guess in that world it makes sense.

We then have a seen where Jacob carries plank to cover her scent with his stank.

We find out that Jacob could have been alpha, but plank makes him a bit beta. So he doesn’t take it.

Okay. Bella is making my brain skip. I’m zoning in and out.

Jacob could have been carrying a sack of flour and I would have found the chemistry more believable.

Plank exudes bland and pointlessness.

So it turns out that having Jacob carry the plywood around makes it@so@vampires can’t smell her piney freshness.

What in sweet fuck am I doing with my life? I am reviewing a movie series that could best be described a creepy asshole and a fine as fuck dude batting over the affections of a Mary Sue who has the depth of a pane of glass.

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I regret this. I regret this.

Plank talks to her dad about marriage and I talk to myself about marrying my fist to my face for doing this.

I am losing my god damn mind. They start talking about sex and plank can’t even pretend to show djdndndjd

Jerked

Let me out!!!

Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.
Justice the founder of my fabric moved:
To rear me was the task of power divine,
Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.

Servant of God, well done, well hast thou fought
The better fight, who single hast maintaind
Against revolted multitudes the Cause
Of Truth, in word mightier then they in Armes;

This man suffered too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn’t get away. When I had a chance I begged him to try and leave while there was time; I offered to go back with him. And he would say yes, and then he would remain; go off on another ivory hunt;

Plank can not even pretend to want to have sex when she is the one instigating it.

Edward, it seems, can’t get it up.

Edward starts screaming about purity rings. Bella whines that he believes in old school ideas. Yeah, asshole, he was born before the first synthesized plastic existed. He is ancient.

Edward talks about the good ole days before peanut butter and before electricity and back when they lived and caves and shit.

Edward asks her to marry him again and the log says yes. I wish I could say yes to ordering a dozen tacos. Except they don’t deliver at this hour.

We cut to the army and I cut to me wanting to chug whiskey.

Oh, my god. This weirdo and Victoria love thing is somehow dumber than the main plot. There are multiple shitty love plots. Why why why why why why why why why why why

4 1/2 to 5 cups (542g to 600g) King Arthur Unbleached Bread Flour
1 tablespoon (11g) sugar
2 1/4 teaspoons instant yeast
2 1/2 teaspoons (15g) table salt (not kosher)
1 2/3 cups (379g) water, lukewarm (90°F to 110°F)
cornmeal, for coating the pan

Bella is bleeding in places to screw with the noobs. Jacob asks plank what is wrong.

“Bunch of vampires are trying to kill me.”
“Same old same old.”

Jacob rightly calls the shitty plot out.

This god damn movie makes an undead army coming while a team of vampires and werewolves work together to stop it borrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg ggggg

Blah blah. Aren’t you fighting. Blah blah. No. My balls are swinging in the wind. Blah blah.

Plank whines about being cold in the tent in the mountains. Like she’s whining like she broke her leg. I bet Jacob had to cuddle her as Edward watches. What a cuck. Haha

#EdwardIsACuck

Edward would rather plank die than Jacob cuddle. Then. Ahahah. He lets it happen and he just watches. He is a cuck. Hahahahaha. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck. Edward the cuck.

Edward legit has to sit there reading Jacob’s mind while Jacob imagines banging plank. Hahaha. Hahahshshshshshshshshshahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahshshshsshshhaahhaahah

Hahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahah

Holy shit. Jacob is just hammering Edward while banging plank in his head and Edward had to read his thoughts. Man. This is great

Jacob just shits all over him. It’s great.

#TeamJacob

Okay. Jacob and Edward have more chemistry and show more emotion during this scene than any scene with plank.

Plank is unconscious and probably the best acting we’ve seen. Those trees are gonna ruin my butthole for this sentence.

Edward and Jacob should just leave plank and go on adventures together. Two cool dudes hanging out. I’d watch that.

Bella might be the most useless character in cinematic history. Just of no consequence other than people saying they totally love her for no god damn reason than the script says so.

And Jacob overhears they’re getting married. Plank tries to act like she is mad at Edward for letting him hear. I try to act like I didn’t stop caring about existence 90 minutes ago.

Hahahaha. She is sooo shit at acting.

Jacob is mad and wants to go kill or die. Plank tries to pretend like she cares. God. How did she ever win a Treeny? Are all trees just that shit at….

There’s a knock at the door. Oh. And plank asks Jacob to kiss her.

Ahhhh. She’s a good actress. She’s a good actress!!!

Oh. And why did she have him kiss her while engaged to a predator who was born when Teddy Roosevelt was still a Rough Rider??

Plank then says she doesn’t know what happened. Gee. A teen confused. If only she could…

*sees tree tapping at window*

Never mind.

So the great battle as begun. It is laughable.

Bunch of neck snaps and slap fighting. The wolves do some cool biting.

This battle is just this:

Way to make a battle the equivalent of watching ice melt.

Oh. Look. The wolves and the vamps are learning to djdjndndndndndndndnddnndndndnxnd d dbdndjdndd d did d d

Victoria is near and I am near unconsciousness.

Oh. It’s the weirdo from the beginning and jddndndjdndndnndn

Turns out he’s Victoria’s simp. Like. Straight up. He is there to distract Edward so Victoria can break a board.

I may just have he trees take me out.

So the simp attacks, but a wolf bites his hand off.

Hey. Trees outside. Plank is a shit actress who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. A bag made from the pulp that used to be her cousin.

Victoria tries to run, but Edward tells her she won’t get a better chance to get her. Lab blah. Jen

Edward makes her attack because she …do you think plank is pissed that people keep breaking tree limbs she is definitely related to.

Oh, man. Edward just shoved over a tree that definitely was plank’s third grade lead teacher.

The fight is going bad when Bella cuts herself to distract the simp and Victoria. The simp finds out he’s a simp as he’s eaten.

Then Edward beheads Cictoridkdhjrfjjxjdjf

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

Alice sees a vision of the Voltron.

Then the vampires and wolves fight and Jacob gets hurt and I wonder if I can eat a pound of cinnamon to make my brain forget.

Dr zcollins tells him he had big boo boos and his bros carry him away as the Voltron appears.

And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

Wisconsin Fanning and friends appear and blah blah blah blah land emend and I LIJe end dd d

I like cheese.

Georgia Fanning tortures the last noob army member.

And there is drama and I can’t feel my fingers.

The Collins take the girl as a refuge, but the Voltron won’t let them. They disassemble her.

We then cut to outside some house and Jacob is inside getting fixed up and screaming. I thought it was me screaming as the trees try to remove my skin for their “Rites.”

Plank goes inside and my god these fucking movies never want to end.

Jacob shivers in pain as fnxjbfvjgc

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Jacob shits all over Edward and I’m all for that and for this to end. Please. Just end.

My neck is killing me. So are my eyes because they keep rolling into the back of my head.

Jacob tells plank she should choose him.

Bella says she loves him but not as much as she loves wood polish.

So. Update. The trees have left. They said, and I quote, “forcing you to watch these movies is greater punishment than we could ever do.”

Then they laughed at me and insulted the size of my…stem. What assholes.

And they have chosen a date.m Ford did the the wedding and the voting sndndmd and voting shebdbd d. Biting. Biting biting. Everyone else happy. Already giving away to much. Hahahaha a shins djdnd dd Jensen

Plank says it wasn’t a choice between Ed and Jake. It was about her. Uh. You’re a god damn Mary Sue. You offer nothing. You’re a blank slate others project themselves onto as they list after a vampire and a werewolf.

I can not feel my god damn knees.

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen

And we find out they’re going to tel her dad. And they kiss and it’s god damn done.

And that was…where the fuck am I? Who am I? Mom? Mom? What happened? I was watching cartoons and I blinked and now I stare at credits for a movie I can’t remember from a life I can’t remember.

What is going on?

Also. Fuck this movie.

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