Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Okay. So today was a weird day. I'm in DC and @Soundsaboutleft comes hauling ass up to me.

He screams "I just got us a paying gig."

I was exc..ecsta...excited to get money that didn't involve being paid by Ted Cruz to humiliate Ted Cruz. Weird kink, man. #ArrestThemNow

So what was I paid to do? I was told it was to "take care of a beloved pet" of some guy whose name sounded like a guy's dingy dong.

They took me this room in the Senate office area and the door said "Feeding Room."

Which was a bit weird. I pushed in the door and holy crap...

It was Moscow Mitch himself eating some lettuce. He was going to town on it. I mean...I was amazed he put away several heads of lettuce and, I guess, red cabbage.

I looked at Left and he said "We have to feed him, clean him, and carry him to his aquarium."

I was against it at first, but I was told we were getting paid $5,000 for it. I was like "Screw it...I have no morals or self-respect. Let's do it!"

So we watched Moscow Mitch just chow down for a while. Randomly he'd mumble "Women have no rights" or "The South Shall Rise Again"

A few other things I won't say, but it was awkward.

Left wondered off and I was made to listen to a racist reptile regurgitate reich wing rhetoric.

Finally, he finished.

I realized Left had shoved a piece of paper in my hand that had a list and the next thing said "buff shell"

I looked around and found a shoe shine brush with turtle wax atop it. I assumed this was it.

I began to put polish on the shell and brush.

Mitch kept saying "It goes in circles. It goes in pretty circles."

So I went in circles.

After a few coats and with my hand cramping, I was allowed to stop.

I looked for something to buff the wax with when I saw a tiny confederate flag.

"It gets my favorite flag and buffs the shell."

So there I was buffing a racist turtle's shell with a traitor flag.

Finally. FINALLY! I was done.

"It puts the turtle in its bed."

I looked at the piece of paper. It had a map on it. I followed it until I got to a place that said "GQP sleeping quarters."

I opened it up and immediately heard hissing. I saw a couple cockroaches and I swear one looked like Tom Cotton, but I can't be sure.

A few ghouls hid their face. One whispered "Gut school funding" before it slid back into the shadows.

I put on the nightvision goggles and moved into the room. What I saw there all but destroyed my soul, so I won't regale you with it.

Suffice to say that I wouldn't be left alone with any GQP senator if you want to not be fed upon.

Finally, I got to an aquarium that had a dim red light turned on and a heat rock and a small recreation of a 1970s rec room with confederate flags on it.

I opened the lid and put Moscow Mitch down in it. He immediately went into the corner that had a tiny constitution laid down and crapped on it.

I started to hear clicking sounds and I think Rand Paul tried to shank me with a ghoul's blade made from gold.

But I made a hasty retreat and got the hell out of there.

Outside, Left was leaning against the wall counting the cash.

He peeled off a few hundreds and tossed them at me "That's your half, trashbag."

He then left while I scrambled to pick up the few bills he'd given me. I felt deflated.

Luckily for me, Ted Cruz came walking down the hallway. He saw me and grinned.

"What's up Cancun Cruz?" I asked.

He pulled out his wallet and started to toss bills onto the ground. Then he cried into his hands as I bashed him.

I could always rely on that quisling cur for quick cash.

@DuckieNinja @RegaNorwegian @fecologist @charmsblowpop @karen_dippity @EMaxfieldMoen @Damn_Anhedonia @curmudgeon_red

I...I need sleep