Thread by @verymessyjamie

All the horrible things I have thought and done during my #PhD that I was absolutely sure nobody else was thinking or doing

(but which, actually, they all absolutely were)

#phdlife #phdchat #phdtips #academicchatter #academictwitter @ThePhDPlace @PhD_Genie

🗯️ They're going to figure out that I'm not actually capable of doing this work

🗯️ I have no idea what I'm doing

🗯️ I don't think I'm ever going to figure out how to plan and structure this thesis

🗯️ I don't even get the most basic theories in my field that everyone else seems to be quoting off the top of their heads

🗯️ I've honestly never heard of Foucault / Bourdieu / Irigaray / Donna Haraway until right now (theories we 'should' all know in feminist/gender studies)

🗯️ I'm writing about this theorist/book right now only because it's the latest thing I'm reading

🗯️ I'm gonna shoehorn this theorist/book into this bit of writing just because I like it

🗯️ I'm bringing such incredible, original, creative insights into my research

🗯️ I know nothing and this chapter is no better than essays I wrote in secondary school

🗯️Why would anyone even care about what I have to say?

🗯️ Those STEM people researching cures for cancer are doing Real Research; my work is frivolous and stupid and makes no difference to anything

🗯️ I'm so basic

🗯️ These articles/texts that everyone's raving about? Why do I find them so boring and hard to understand?

🗯️ *THIS* is the meeting when my supervisors are finally going to tell me how concerned they are about my lack of progress

🗯️ A lot of this methodology doesn't make sense and I'm basically just figuring it out as I go along

🗯️ I really don't like this data. None of it matches what I expected

🗯️ I don't actually care about this research as much as I thought I did

🗯️ I'm so bored with my work right now

🗯️ I feel so saturated and am sick of having to read anything - maybe I don't really have the capcity to be a PhD student

🗯️ Am I just making all this up though? Have I just imagined these results and discussions into being?

🗯️ Is this rigorous enough? Am I actually *doing research*?

🗯️ Am I actually doing my participants' a disservice?

🗯️ Hasn't all of this been said before? Surely there's someone out there who's thought / thinking exactly the same things as I am

🗯️ What if I've not read enough? Or not actually read the 'right stuff'?

🗯️ What if I've missed something super crucial?

🗯️ I'm not working 12-hour days, exhausted or miserable. Am I doing something wrong / not working hard enough / taking shortcuts and cheating without even knowing it?

🗯️ Is my research a less valuable because I enjoy it so much and don't have to struggle for it?

🗯️ What I do isn't clever or good enough to be worthy of getting a PhD or 'Dr' title

🗯️ Sure I can do this PhD, but I couldn't be a 'real researcher' after this

🗯️ Am I actually learning anything or am I just playing pretend and rehashing stuff from my undergrad?

🗯️ I'm not just facing imposter syndrome. I actually *AM* a fraud and don't know what I'm doing

🗯️ Those questions my supervisor asked me are SO profound + nuanced. I don't think I'd ever be able to think that deeply or with such intelligent insight

🗯️ The 'knowledge', arguments, perspectives I'm presenting are too simplistic for a PhD researcher. Surely *anyone* could come up with this drivel?

🗯️ I don't think I'm ever going to 'get' what makes good research and how to do it

These thoughts went on and on and on; a constant, disjointed, confusing, contradictory, self-shaming dialogue

And worse - I often believed I was the only person experiencing these feelings or having these doubts

So not only did I feel bad; but I also felt bad for feeling bad

Thankfully, I made sure that a big part of my PhD experience was made up of a sympathetic, empathetic, supportive community of other PhD friends (from my own + other departments)

and I would sometimes venture to share (or 'confess') these thoughts

Almost ALWAYS, they would say they were feeling, or have felt exactly the same thing - or at least a variation of those same thoughts

Even my supervisor affirmed that she + other researchers experience the same sorts of things regularly

This thread isn't meant to scare you; or to plant new worries into your mind

It's to reassure you that if you have these same thoughts - or variations of - then CONGRATULATIONS - YOU'RE NORMAL

You're definitely not the only one to think these things
you're not the first and you won't be the last

And you're not any less of a PhD student/researcher for having these thoughts

Instead of getting down + hard on yourself for what is essentially a symptom of just being human

or dismissing/suppressing those thoughts

give yourself permission to let these thoughts in, and then try to GET CURIOUS about them.

Observe these wild, impetuous, irrational thoughts like you do with data:

investigate what evidence you have for how 'truthful' they are

and explore what else they can tell you about what's really going on for you

Just as I did with my little PhD community, I also really encourage you to talk about what you're feeling + experiencing with your PhD colleagues / friends

There is tremendous relief + reassurance to be found in seeing your experience mirrored in someone else

Muddling through these messy feelings together,
making sense of them,
and, most importantly, NORMALISING these thoughts as part of a rich, layered, reflective research process

can be one of the healthiest and enriching things you do for your overall research experience

For starters - feel free to share in the comments any thoughts you're grappling with right now;

or if you see someone else with a similar thought, give them a holler to let them know you're thinking/feeling the same

Let's start getting comfortable with these messy thoughts

If you'd like more stuff on dealing with the messy in-betweens of being a researcher (and of just being a human being alive right now), maybe give me a follow?

And have a look at the link in my bio for more info on working / coaching and muddling through messiness with me 😘