Thread by @book_working

the one and only time I ever
cheated
I got caught
clearly I wasn't good at it
I sent a note to Fred for help
he sent me a lengthy reply

My 8th grade teacher
wandered over
and scooped up the note
on my desk from Fred
Sister Kathleen scolded me
asked me to search my soul
ouch!

in tenth grade
our high school put on
The Wizard of Oz
my sister Isabel played Dorothy
I played the Tinman
Greg Kinnear played Oz

in eleventh grade
Isabel and I
entered the duet acting competition
we won
with a scene I cribbed from
Mike Nichols and Elaine May sktech

we advanced to the
Pan-Hellenic competition
in Thessaloniki
and won!

so the finals were held in Cairo, Egypt
local American families housed us
we went to see the pyramids
I rode a horse
she rode a camel

the thing about the Sahara desert
was the dunes
one sand dune after the next
we both got lost
but the animals guided us to safety

the pyramids were in shambles
compared to the Acropolis
The Sphinx asked me
what has 4 legs in the morning
2 legs at noon
and 3 at night
MAN

Unfortunately
on that trip to Cairo
I visited the bazaar
children shouting
"baksheesh, baksheesh!"
(tips, tips)
people smoking hookah pipes

I took a hit of their hash
on the day of our tournament
Mrs Sullivan demanded I take a cold shower
before I performed
my first red flag

totally let my acting partner
(my sister Isabel) down
we placed second
in the pan-european tournament
lost to Romeo&Juliet
wherefor art thou

My first year in college
I made a Halloween costume
from reeds I found on campus
and orange cardboard
I transformed myself into
a chicken

can you imagine
my surprise when they announced
at the end of the party
of hundreds on Halloween
"Second place prize
goes to the chicken"

I have been fired from so many jobs
but each time I got fired
I found a new one
but can I tell you the culprit?
weed

in fifth grade
my teacher wrote on my report card
Tyrone seems to refuse
responsibility
what does that tell you?

I once read
The Invisible Man
that was as good as
The Catcher in the Rye
I am the invisible catcher in the rye

the Dean of Dramatic Arts
told me
I had an "other worldly quality"
still not sure
what he meant

I have been reading my book
to my brother Bill
who has no Internet access
he is furious
with my my account
told me:
the roofs in Germany

the roofs in Germany
are steep
the air is dark
the roofs in Greece
are flat
the air is light
shut up already Bill
I'm not discussing
archic

I love all my siblings
but they are total weirdos
three of us have died so far
Tod, and Kathy, and Tina
but still 8 left!

I went for my physical today
just got a new doctor
my old one left
they told me my new dr would be
Dr Milner
was xpecting a nice Jewish guy

examined the diplomas on his wall
very impressive
then he walked in
African American!
from South Central
worked in Ohio and PA
and now LA

I started to sob
he handed me tissues
I felt so unworthy of his time
someone who worked that hard
helping someone who didnt
his diagnosis..

I'm an internist
not a mental health doctor
but you exhibit
all the symptoms of depression
I doubt he'll want to go through
that again

Ty,
do you have any friends?
Ofcourse!
my housekeeper Julia
comes every Wednesday from 11-2
Do you ever leave your home?
I get my groceries

I get my groceries
and my weed delivered
but do move my car on Tuesdays
for street cleaning
do you ever feel like
people are following you?

yes, Doctor
I have proof that there are
at least 2 people following me
Do you smoke?
Do you drink alcohol?
Do you tweak?
and so it went

I took horseback riding lessons
as my sport of choice
in ninth grade
every saturday
my older brothers chose wrestling
Jonathan chose piano

for my final lesson at the stables
my instructor opened the paddock
and released me and Eros
onto public streets all alone
how exhilarating

I took my next horseride
22 years later
raced up the mountain
from Sunset Ranch
to the Hollywood sign
Those lessons helped

I take that back
I blocked the memory of
my horse ride in Sydney
stallion
totally out of control
ran under low-hanging branches
to knock me

My sister Kathy
was walking to her train
in Grand Central once
ran into our oldest brother Tod
sitting there with a sign
THIS VET NEEDS HEL

so back to college!
my tuition room and board
was $1500 per semester
at my University
I was the 5th child in college at the time
so a job

was essential
my brother Jonathan had a flat
in Manhattan
so that's where I found my jobs
was there post-studio 54
so started at Häagen-Daz

graduated to the coat check
at Magique
the new Studio 54
(then became Chippendales)
my friends came for free
my sister Tina loved it

but it was a 3 hr bus ride
from Hartford to NYC and back
every Friday
and every Sunday night
a chance to read my assignments
that was rough

I need to segue
to zoos and circuses
Barnum and Bailey
closed May 21 2017
PETA shut them down
animals shouldn't be toforced perform tricks

zoos are not that awful
at least they try to keep animals
comfortable
and experts seem to know
how to propogate them
many success stories

I have been to 11 zoos
in my lifetime
the one remember most is
Sydney
Miami one hadn't been built yet
San Diego was
a big disappointment

the success stories
so far:
florida manatee
Yellowstone wolves
channel island fox
condor
eagle
gorilla
Indian lion
sea tur
thank you
America

I played a lot of
upscale casual
dead bodies
my first one was on
Hart to Hart
I was Robert Wagner ' s stand-in
but also played his victim

All Hollywood starz
have a body double
a stunt double
and a stand-in
extras who can act
become stand-ins
we show the crew
what to expect

I was Tim Daly's stand-in
on Seven Girlfriends
super nice guy
it was a lot of fun!

so after I graduated college
with that degree
in Dramatic Arts
I moved to Manhattan
found work on Soaps
All my Children
One Life to Live

Ryans Hope
Another World
Guiding Light
Loving
my tax guy questioned me
are you sure you weren't in the typing pool?

Harvey wreaked so much devastation
in Texas, Lousianna
and Hollywood
should the Academy
demand his trophy back?

after I graduated college
I went back home
to stay with my parents
in Athens
but at JFK I realized
I forgot my passport

and my 6' pet boa constrictor
was in my carry on
what were my chances
of making it home?
but made it home
airport security in Greece
was lax

I showed the TWA stewardess
my snake
at first she screamed
and then she laughed
the guy next to me
told me, once I told him my name

yeah they were paging you
at JFK
WHAT?
paging the guy with no passport
and a boa in his bag?
but the tricky part
was the arrival in Athens

I walked off the plane
onto the tarmac
but instead of following
the crowd to customs
I went to the employee's
entrance

I made up a story
that I had dropped my bag
while waving goodbye to my friends
they still demanded
I open my bag
oh my

fivi, Fivi, FIVI!
I remember him shouting
to his coworkers
everyone came running
apparently fivi means snake!
they regarded me with awe

I do have to admit
that David (Boa)
was a big hit in my dorm
friday nights he got a rat
once 30 people
attended the ritual
to learn

it was an unlikely homecoming
I saw my parents waiting anxiously
for my arrival through arrivals
when I tapped them on the shoulder

they looked bewildered
but not surprised
that boa caused so much friction
I donated him to a local pet store

the pet store owner told my Dad
your snake escaped
knocked over 4 aquariums
ate 6 birds
and nowhere to be found
way to go David!

My favorite dead body role
was CSI miami
my nose had to rest on the "j"
on my computer keyboard
they counted the "j" s
to solve the crime

David Caruso apparently complained
that the corpse in the body bag
was snoring
those bags get stuffy!
the next day
my dentist said
he saw me

I hated that
I wanted to become
the Waldo of Hollywood
appearing in hundreds of
film and television shows
completely invisible

of the 11 children
my mother bore
6 of us got married
managed to attend all 6 weddings
but Isabel's was tough
married an Austrian
in Austria

I was working on
Scenes from a Mall
with Bette and Woody
they announced a 4day hiatus
for Independence Day
flew to Munich
drove to Salzburg

I forgot to bring the wedding invite
but asked the villagers
they all seemed to know
who they were
apparently it was big deal in town

Bryan 's wedding was just as bad
was working on a Sony commercial
in St Thomas
they had flown me from Miami
but needed them 2 fly me to NYC

the cab ride from LA Guardia
seemed endless
but when I walked into the Church
heard him say
"I do"
at the reception he asked me
you couldnt

you couldn't iron your pants?
theyre linen Bryan

when I first moved to Hollywood
I had to prostitute myself a few times to pay my rent
some guy took me to a motel room once
I ran into him

on the set of Batman
he was directing it
we both pretended like nothing happened

it was a financial arrangement
he gave me a good tip
so I have no ax to grind with him
and to be honest he was hot

the first time I was molested
I was 13
I went to buy jeans
at a boutique mens store
he invited me to his home
it was disturbing
but he did

he did pay me 60 drachmas
(for my cab ride home)
sex= money??

My brother Jonathan insisted
I include this story
Eventhough I am writing an inspirational children's book?
read by my neices and nephews?

Jonathan told me:
what is the point
of writing about your life
without the Truth?
Jonathan is my editor I guess

Hello @tttthreads
I am enjoying so much
that you unroll my tweets
thank you