I here, at the pinnacle of everyone's bucket list - the German Occupational Health and Safety Museum. 
A big school group has just arrived. Man, they're going to remember this day for the rest of their lives.
Look at all the treats in store! I bet you're all extremely jealous right now. I hope there's a bit telling me how to safely lift a box.
There's a room full of old printing equipment, should any of you not be hard yet.
Phwoaaaaar!
Obligatory selfie next to the inexplicably large old school computer.
I'll be honest. Everything's in German. I haven't a clue what's going on.
This wall of old clothes, for example? No idea.
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!
I feel RSI cannot strike me from inside my extremely claustrophobic cocoon.
There's a mocked-up building site to walk around, albeit without high-vis and a hard hat, which I feel is Not On.
YES! Finally at the How To Lift A Box section, lads. They've got apparatus so you can practice, too.
But you'd be wrong - WRONG! - to assume that Occupational Health And Safety starts and ends with dangerous box-lifting. Look at all this!
I have no idea what this is, but I bet it could properly fuck you up. #BeingFuckedUpAtWorkUnlessYouComplyWithSafetyMeasures
Is this cool? Is it cool? Is it? Am I cool? Am I? Am I cool now? AM I COOL?
I really want a go on the incredibly mundane Driving A Lorry Through A Mildly Built-Up Area simulator, but there's a queue.
There are no signs warning me of the peril that may await if I enter the inexplicable giant vulva. Poor show.
It is not a vulva. It is a faux ear canal, and inside you can hear noises at different decibel levels, from 40 (idyllic birdsong), through 55 (semi-bustling suburban shopping mall) to 92 (truck on dual carriageway).
Hey guys - you may be thinking this is a Bond villain lair. But you'd be WRONG. It's more exciting than that - it's the control room of the former VEW Westfalen power station.
Some vital news on how to chop vegetables. This museum really has it all.
Chop those cucumbers wrong, and you could end up like this.
I am now leaving the German Occupational Health and Safety Museum. I hope this #VitalReportage has inspired you to not run on wet floors.
Still not sure about the safest way to get my bag out of this locker, mind. I need diagrams.
