The only Tolkien spin-off I want now is an Uruk-Hai who had a religious experience when he saw the Ents marching on Isengard, lived through the fight, and threw himself at Treebeard’s feet crying “TEACH ME TO BE A TREE!”
“Hroom.” The Ents were a bit put off, but nobody wanted to be hasty. I mean, Uruk-Hai.
Still, everybody knows there’s some elf way back in the orc genes.
Still, everybody knows there’s some elf way back in the orc genes.
They had a moot about it. The Uruk-Hai puttered around, pruning off ragged branches that had gotten cracked in the battle, cleaning up some tough edges. He’s a surgeon with an axe.
The moot lasted over a year, by which point the Uruk-Hai had built a small yurt and spent his mornings communing with nature at the Ent’s feet. He knew they were hroooming about killing him, but that was ok. Trees don’t move to get away from the axe.
He also changed his face paint to be a big leaf. The Ents didn’t know if they were flattered or completely weirded out.
The moot went into its second year while they discussed the fact that there were now even fewer Ents and still no Entwives. Maybe they should teach somebody, in case they died out.
The Uruk-Hai looked up. “Um...look, it’s not my place, great trees, but I do happen to know a little bit about propagation through sorcerous means. From personal experience, as it were.”
“Hroom! Evil sorcery!”
“I mean, the evil was all in the materials. The sorcery just involves a lot of mud.” He stared into the middle distance. “So much mud.”
“I mean, the evil was all in the materials. The sorcery just involves a lot of mud.” He stared into the middle distance. “So much mud.”
The Ents had to think about that one. They were all rather fond of mud. While they debated, the Uruk-Hai added another wing onto his tent and began quietly cultivating mushrooms.
“I still say we should kill him,” said Quickbeam.
“Hroom.”
The Uruk-Hai found a stand of filberts and began carefully watering them and removing strangling vines.
“...the Entwives would have liked him, though.”
“Hroom.”
The Uruk-Hai found a stand of filberts and began carefully watering them and removing strangling vines.
“...the Entwives would have liked him, though.”
“Hroom.”
THE END BECAUSE I HAVE TO PACK NOW
THE END BECAUSE I HAVE TO PACK NOW
(Do the Ents take up vegetative propagation? Does the Uruk-Hai live? I leave it as an exercise for the reader. I got a plane to catch.)
Holy god, people, I finally land in Dallas and apparently what y’all really wanted was a forester Uruk-Hai.
