I see a lot of men in their feels over this latest example of toxic masculinity. Specifically, men really want someone to acknowledge how rough it is to be rejected by women. Let’s talk about it a little.
A while back I wrote an extensive thread about this in the context of street harassment. It’s important to accept this fact. EVERYBODY understands how men take rejection. It’s not a mystery.
It’s something men learn from very young. We are *taught* that being rejected by a woman is the worst thing that can happen to us. It’s something that we are made to experience as a rejection of our very identity. Of course it’s highly damaging to our sense of self.
It’s something women are also taught early on. Except they are taught that rejecting us can be dangerous for them. They know that we feel entitled to their bodies. They know that we are socialized to think it’s okay to steal their bodies. They KNOW.
Nobody is confused about the effects of rejecting men. That’s not what this is about. The problem here is men still assume that’s how it has to be. Because toxic masculinity won’t let them see another way to be. That’s why we have to talk about dismantling it.
There is a world where you can shoot your shot with a woman, strike out really hard, and not have that experience be a deep existential wound in your psyche. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But believe me, it’s possible.
It starts with believing that you can be worthy without conquering women. That’s at the core of a lot of this. Getting a woman to say yes to you is not a measure of your worth. The fact that so many men believe that so deeply is a travesty.
Keep in mind that toxic masculinity is a real social construct. People can’t take away your worth. They can take away your social status. And getting a woman to say yes to you does increase your status among men. That’s something we have to address as well.
When we look at incels and other toxic cultures among men, a lot of it seems to be about being denied the masculine ideal that they were taught to aspire to. The masculine ideal itself carries toxicity. It’s often about showing dominance (among other aspects).
I think that removing the expectation of dominance is a huge part of dismantling toxic masculinity. In order for men to show dominance, something has to be dominated. Many times, that’s the role women are unwillingly forced into.
What if you didn’t have to demonstrate dominance in order to be feel seen and respected? I think that would go a long way. But it’s a challenge. Because the men feeling crushed under this expectation are the same ones who perpetuate it.
This came up a while back, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. Men are creating an environment where they *have* to view themselves as losers unless some specific social criteria are met.
The issue is that the social structure around them is changing such that they can’t achieve these social criteria. It’s not up to them. Women get to decide if they like you. Regardless of what you do or say. All of a sudden you might be a perpetual “loser”.
That’s not a game you can win. The only way that doesn’t become a shame spiral is if we change the rules.
Men have to learn what it *feels* like to be worthy without dominance and control. And this is tough, because many of us aren’t in touch with our feelings at all.
Men have to learn what it *feels* like to be worthy without dominance and control. And this is tough, because many of us aren’t in touch with our feelings at all.
Another aspect of the trap that is toxic masculinity is teaching men to suppress their emotions. So many men don’t know how to deal with their inner issues. All of our problems get projected outward. Often through anger and eventually violence.
You will often had men, even intelligent and thoughtful ones, perpetuate the idea that our emotions aren’t complicated. That we only want simple things. It’s not true. It’s never been true. We are taught that simple things are all we can have.
This one is also subtly deceptive. It’s not accurate to say men don’t care about things. We exert our dominance at almost every opportunity. But we have to pretend it’s not because we have feelings about it. It’s just so it can be “more right”.
Men are also taught to turn our subjective feelings into objective truths. I believe this is another way of denying our feelings. We learn many ways to do this, so we can continue to paint ourselves as being without emotions.
As a final thought, there’s another issue that is intimately related to the epidemic of male violence against women. Toxic masculinity gives you only 2 outlets for all of these pent up emotions. Your mom and your girlfriend/wife. They are supposed to absorb all of it.
Men need to demonstrate that they can get women to say yes. There’s a dominance aspect. But the other reason they *need* a girlfriend is so they can use her as conduit for their feelings. I see this play out every day. And I still struggle with it myself.
This is one of those things that is a cliche because it is so often true. Single men are often awful. And when they get into a relationship, they become less awful. Because their partner is doing emotional labor to help them regulate their feelings.
Think about all of the things that humans need, and how men can only get them from their mom or their gf/wife.
- intimate physical contact
- a safe space to cry
- unconditional acceptance of flaws
- an ear to listen to worries and feelings of inadequacy
- intimate physical contact
- a safe space to cry
- unconditional acceptance of flaws
- an ear to listen to worries and feelings of inadequacy
As boys grow up, they realize they can’t keep using their mom for these things. Masculinity also forces a break from that intimate relationship. And in response the “need” for another woman to take on those responsibilities grows a lot stronger.
That kinda bring us full circle. Men are looking for women to feel all of these deep, unhealthy expectations. So yeah, being rejected by a woman can feel like a small death. But that’s still not the woman’s fault. We need healing. Men need to be allowed to be more than we are.
I should close by saying that there is a lot more context and nuance here. I’m trying to get at some core issues. But this thread is also in danger of oversimplifying these issues. My only recommendation is to try to get in touch with your feelings of unworthiness.
There are a lot of places these feelings can come from. But those issues that keep you from doing that work of self-reflection? That’s what we call toxic masculinity. We can’t do better until we start to break down those barriers.
