Thread by @IjeomaOgud

Probably one of the hardest things about raising a boy in the Nigerian society, is how much I'm forced to be hyper vigilant about safeguarding his emotional wellbeing from other people's influences, based on what THEY think a boy should be.

A thread.

I think I've talked in the past about how emotional my son is. He cries very easily, has a lot of anxieties about unfamiliar situations (and some times familiar ones).

As you know, boys are not supposed to cry. I let mine cry. And I tell him crying is allowed.

Many hate this.

At least once a day, someone will tell him some version of,"Why are you crying like a girl? Don't you know you're a boy? Boys don't cry."

Which I always loudly respond, "D, cry if you feel like. Crying is allowed."

I'm used to getting weird looks for it. Short hair don't care.

I thought we were doing fine in that regard; he know his emotions are valid, regardless of his sex.

Until I started noticing he was having increased anxiety about doing certain things, especially things often considered 'feminine'.

His sister was playing, supposedly dancing ballet. I saw the longing in his eyes to join her.

"D, dance now."

"I can't mum. It's only girls that dance like that."

"I can hug my sister back because Only girls hug".

"I can't put paint on my face because only girls make up".

On and on it went; he would want to do some innocuous activity that seemed like fun, or some otherwise loving gesture that he used to do easily, but then hold himself back because he had somehow picked up that it was a 'girly thing'.

I knew it was time to have one of our conversations, so I could find out what was going on.

Turns out he was picking it up mainly from school, where apparently the boys in his class had formed a 'boys club' whose aim is to hate girls.

He's 7. In grade 1.

so these 6, 7 year olds in the boys club were coming up with random things they couldn't do because only girls did them. Things they were enforcing by shaming each other if they found out you did it.

My son has an intense fear of being embarrassed. Worse than some adults.

So he was basically in constant fear of doing something girly, that might lead to his boys club finding out and shaming him for it.

Of course, being the mother that I am, I felt I had failed him in not picking it up earlier.
(Psst, this is normal.)

Boys from various homes, with all the muddled up nonsense that's spread in many Nigerian homes as the 'dos and don'ts' of being a boy.

Hugging. Being hugged. Being happy to receive a hug, eating with a certain colour spoon, plate or cup...

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the patriarchal layered norms of this society are finding a way to influence your child, especially when you're not looking.

Anyway, we are working on it now. I watch out for that squirming he does when he's uncomfortable with doing something, and I ask if he's afraid it's for girls.

I explain to him he's allowed to do anything he wants, as long as he has the skills to do them.

YouTube is a great resource, because there are always videos of people doing all kinds of things. I can always say, look, that's someone like you doing it.

of course, being a cheeky monkey, when I told him he could do anything he wanted to, he asked, "Can I be naughty?" with a grin. 🙄

oh and it was actually his dad he first spoke to about the boys club situation in his school.