Thread by @subversivejake

#RIANTHEBOATMAKER

Once upon a time a boat maker named Rian was tasked to build a mighty boat. Rian had made boats before but this boat was being commissioned by one of the largest boat corporations in the world.

It was going to be the biggest & grandest boat he’d ever made.

Rian quickly got to work on the plans for his incredible boat. Within a few hours his first draft was complete.

“This is perfect,” Rian exclaimed.

“This is perfect,” agreed Kathleen, head of the large boat corporation Rian was working for.

Rian’s first draft was approved.

A huge crew was assembled to construct Rian’s boat. Rian enjoyed the construction process as the crew did whatever he told them to do and everyone worked hard to make his vision a reality.

“It’s going to be a work of subversive genius Rian,” said Kathleen.

“I know,” said Rian.

Rian was certain that his boat would be a universally admired, groundbreaking masterpiece and all of his friends and co-workers agreed.

With one exception.

A troublesome subordinate called Mark, who wouldn’t stop talking about his “fundamental disagreement” with the project.

Mark had been involved with the boat corporation for decades and was instrumental in the success of their most popular boats, all overseen by a highly skilled and innovative boat maker called George.

Rian did not have any involvement in these previous successes.

“Shut up Mark,” Rian said to his troublesome subordinate.

“I’m sorry Rian,” said Mark, “but I’ve worked on boats like this many times before and there are fundamental problems with your design.”

Rian thought this over for a moment before responding.

“Shut up Mark,” said Rian.

After many months of hard work, construction on Rian’s boat was complete.

Many of Rian’s friends were invited to the grand unveiling and they all assured Rian that it was the best boat of its kind ever to be made. Rian earnestly agreed.

“Everyone is going to love it,” he said.

The time finally arrived for the boat to set sail. As was customary, only the industry’s most revered and respected boat critics were invited onboard for the first few voyages.

The critics wrote nothing but glowing reviews for Rian’s boat, exactly as they had been paid to do.

The positive reviews, along with the boat corporation’s world-renowned reputation set anticipation for Rian’s boat at fever pitch, as the public were finally granted access.

Rian eagerly awaited the praise he felt he deserved, but it soon became clear something was wrong.

“This boat is extremely unsteady and it’s making me feel sick,” said one passenger.

“This boat isn’t sailing in the right direction,” said another.

“This boat has got holes in it,” exclaimed another.

“This boat sucks!” cried out another and half of the passengers agreed.

The boat industry had never witnessed anything like it. At least half of the passengers complained bitterly about the quality and integrity of Rian’s boat. The remaining passengers fiercely defended it as a great, subversive work of art.

It was the most divisive boat in history.

Although inwardly incensed by the wave of criticism, Rian calmly defended his creation.

“The goal is never to divide or make people upset,” he said, “but these conversations were going to have to happen at some point for the boat industry to grow, move forward and stay vital.”

“The best way for the boat industry to grow, move forward and stay vital is to make strong boats that stay afloat,” retorted the passengers, as the holes in Rian’s boat caused it to slowly fill with water.

“I can explain why this isn’t going to be a problem,” said Rian.

Rian spent considerable time explaining why the holes in his boat were not a problem.

When that didn’t work Rian’s friends Pablo and Brian further explained why the holes were not a problem.

When that didn’t work Rian’s friend JJ said the passengers were threatened by women.

“We have a problem with the boat because there are holes in it,” reiterated the passengers.

“You’re all clearly threatened by women,” said JJ.

“What is your problem with women?” asked Pablo.

“You’re a hive of alt-right scum and villainy,” said Brian.

”Manbabies,” said Rian.

The more the passengers complained about the structural flaws in Rian’s boat the more Rian and his friends insulted and belittled them.

“Rest assured that most of these sinking dweebs are shouting into the void,” said Rian.

“Look at my ‘passenger tears’ mug,” mocked Brian.

Most confusing of all were the other passengers who insisted that Rian’s boat was the greatest boat of all time.

“Let your hatred of Rian’s boat die,” they said, “kill it if you have to.”

“But what about all the holes? This boat is going to sink!”

“We can’t see any holes.”

“Rian’s boat has made millions of dollars so it must be great,” said the pro-Rian passengers.

“But we paid to sail on the boat before we knew it had holes in it,” said the anti-Rian passengers.

“We will never again sail on a boat made by this corporation,” they added.

A few months later Kathleen’s boat corporation made another huge boat, this one overseen by a different boat maker called Ron.

Many passengers refused to sail on Ron’s boat because of the holes in Rian’s boat and because Rian and his friends had mocked and insulted them.

Ron asked the passengers to give his boat a try and even when they refused he didn’t insult them.

Many suspected that Ron’s boat had less structural problems than Rian’s, but a point needed to be made and Ron’s boat was the corporation’s first ever financial disaster.

“What financial disaster?” said Rian when passengers pointed out that his faulty boat had caused the financial disaster.

“It was nothing to do with Rian’s boat,” said Rian’s friends, “it was because of new boats from rival boat corporations and because of boat-fatigue.”

By now at least half of the passengers had lost all faith in the boat corporation.

Kathleen was fired.

Rian’s future boat projects were cancelled.

The corporation’s next huge boat, overseen by JJ, was another financial disaster.

They only had themselves to blame.

The end.