I have really complicated feelings about being overweight, about even using the word ‘fat’, and about how hard I’m working (and why) to get back into shape. And what does that mean, anyway? ‘Back into shape’? Whose shape? Whose *desired* shape? Is it even mine anymore?
My relationship with food, my struggle with EDs, has dominated my life for the better part of three decades. My feelings about my body have overwhelmed and obsessed me. So much of that is triggered by and exacerbated by society’s body and beauty expectations.
I don’t think I’ll ever feel good about my body. I’ll always be ‘too fat’ or ‘too short’ or ‘too damaged’. It’s very claustrophobic. It’s like being locked inside a place you can’t control, but through which you’re forced to conduct all experiences and relationships.
I also don’t trust myself to make the best judgements about my body. The mechanism to do so has been poorly calibrated for 30 years. The wires are crossed. My awareness of that obstacle can only do so much to overcome it. I have to accept I will probably never not obsess over it.
One of the reasons I feel so strongly about the Subjective Line Weight project is it helps me remember & understand that I’m not alone, that women (that everyone) have complicated feelings about our bodies, and that’s due to a variety of external AND internal factors.
But I would be lying if I didn’t admit to wanting to be thin every. damn. day. of my life. Every day I think about how much it would make things easier. Every day. Every day I wish it was easier to *become* so. Every day. Even good gym days. Even good food days. Every. Day.
Some of that is on me. Some of that is because of depression, anxiety, EDs, etc. But you know what? A lot of those feelings are because the world we live in is incredibly, constantly, predictably cruel to overweight people. The physical and emotional world we navigate hurts.
I think that’s why I’m so reluctant to embrace the fat positivity movements. It’s not a positive experience, for me. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone else. And it’s not something I’m comfortable centering in my identity.
So yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. For many reasons. Like I said, it dominates my life every damn day. Maybe just think about that re: your other fat friends? Be more aware of their needs, their struggles. It’s a lot to live with, and we hide it well.
