i am doubled over in pain. i have lost two hours. my insides ache. i push my fist against my skin, leaning into myself, trying not to hurt. i breath carefully. it hurts still.
i have one dose left to take today. i get two, even thought that leaves me with 18 to 20 hours without pain relief. i must choose judiciously. i am saving it.
i have surgery next week : a laparoscopy to check and see if there is anything growing inside my abdomen. the hypothesis is endometriosis, tissue that escapes your womb and fills your abdomen with blood, expanding until everything about your torso is full of pain
i have been through all of the tests. the swallowing test, which measures the dysphagia. the tests where i filled plastic canisters with piss, blood, or other bodily fluids.
i have eaten radioactive egg sandwiches and measured the speed that it took for the isiotopes to track their way through my intestines.
i have sent a camera down my throat and suffered the weeks of damage after they pulled it out - no symptoms for a normal human but my poor, soft throat left battered, bruised, ripped and torn, bloody soreness
i have had the camera sent up the other end, the humiliation, the limp emptiness of a day spent in the bathroom, emptying your liquids into porcelain until you are exhausted and parched
i have done it all and now the only solution is to cut entrances into the soft tissue of my abdomen and force cameras into the inflated airship of my abdomen
i have to horde my medications because my doctors cannot decide who and how they should handle my pain, whether my pain wi exist, whether my collagen disorder actually creates excess pain. whether i deserve relief. whether my pain is real.
i am tired and i breathe, slowly, pushing the right fist of my right hand into my abdomen, trying to force the sharp pain in my intestines away, massaging the ache of my abdominal walls in hopes that it will disappear
i do not want this, i do not want to feel this way, i do not want this hurt. but if i must experience it - and apparently, i must - i deserve relief from the pain of it
we have all of these abilities to minimize the pain and your moral standing tells me that you believe i do not deserve relief and i hate you for it in ways i cannot describe for your hypocrisy and your desire to inflict pain you reap but don’t sow to feel bigger and better
i cry in the bathroom because if i sob in bed i will wake him up and he has to sleep for work tomorrow. because the world keeps spinning no matter what kind of pain i’m in. because i just bend in half. scuttle, and keep it to myself. what other option do i have
